Do You Love Your Stepchildren?

[USMCHokie]

You have every right to take that position and decide not to become a stepparent or foster parent. There is no way in HECK if you do become a stepparent that you are not going to financially contribute to the children. You pool your finances and whole life with your spouse. Your spouse has financial obligations toward the children --> therefore you two have financial obligations towards the children.

 

Not if real daddy is still paying child support...just out of curiosity, is he off the hook for the kids if she remarries?

[tbf]

It's not about the money itself, but what paying the money means.

Ew. That's such a crass way to view raising stepchildren.

 

You absolutely have the right to not want to raise other people's children. If anything, stay far, far away from children, including having any of your own.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can easily see loving the children as my own. If anything, I would probably be accused of meddling too much by their mother :/ I would also be crazy/naive enough to attempt to fix the parenting deficiencies of the past and would be very patient and understanding if children are poorly behaved because of it.

 

As for them loving me, I would find it hard to believe that if you throw nothing but love and kindness their way, they would not grow to love you over time.

[USMCHokie]

Ew. That's such a crass way to view raising stepchildren.

 

You absolutely have the right to not want to raise other people's children. If anything, stay far, far away from children, including having any of your own.

 

Ok.

 

 

 

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[Emilia]

Mmmm, not crazy about the judgemental attitude towards those that prefer not to be treated as resource. Not to defend Hokie here but people do have the right for a different view without being on the receiving end of personal attacks.

 

I was talking to the lady that runs my local laundrette, she is 45 and I am almost 41. We were discussing men our age who still live at home and/or have a couple of kids. Many have the tendency to want to move in at the early stages of dating simply because they want someone to cook and clean for them or perform babysitting duties. Both the laundrette lady and myself have a '***** that' attitude to this yet many women will take those guys in just to have a 'man around the house'. No thanks. I'm not a free resource to be exploited just because you made the wrong decisions in your life.

 

Obviously there are happy step families, clearly the Art Critic still has a very loving relationship with his step daughter (this hasn't been my personal experience) but you need to acknowledge that there are single parents who will rely on others to bail them out when the kids' other parent isn't contributing. I'd never date a man who has several baby mamas whom he never married. If you made cr**py decisions in your life, don't come to me crying.

[iris219]

I think you're right about being confused.

 

I'm mostly scared. This is the first relationship I've had where I can genuinely say I want to spend the rest of my life with that person. It's also the first where I can actually see such a thing working out and us being very happy.

 

I can easily see loving the children as my own. If anything, I would probably be accused of meddling too much by their mother :/ I would also be crazy/naive enough to attempt to fix the parenting deficiencies of the past and would be very patient and understanding if children are poorly behaved because of it.

 

As for them loving me, I would find it hard to believe that if you throw nothing but love and kindness their way, they would not grow to love you over time.

 

I have a feeling this will be the case.

 

I try to stay out of my BF's parenting decisions, but I can see how this might get difficult. The little one is a bit hyper and was driving my BF crazy by spinning around in a chair the other day. I didn't see what the big deal was (he was just being a kid) and I didn't feel he needed to be reprimanded, but I kept my mouth shut, even though I was tempted to defend the child's behavior.

 

The little one is already after my heart. He had a ballgame last night and asked my BF if I was going (I wasn't). He asked if I could come next time. The older one is a quiet child, much like I was at his age, but he told my BF I was cool. I figured that was a pretty good compliment coming from an 11 year old.

 

Those with good relationships with a stepparent, can you discuss this experience? What was it like as a child? What is like now? What did the stepparent do to become an important part of your life? Do talk to them regularly now? Can you say that you genuinely love them?

 

Still waiting to hear from anyone who has a good relationship with their stepparent!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I've never had stepchildren but we recently had to take on my H's sister's child. I didn't know the child, she has had NO parenting and had been neglected and abused.

 

It wasn't easy at first, caring for a teen that you haven't raised. A funny thing happens though, when you care for, teach, parent, etc... You come to love the kid. When you see imorovements and achievements that you helped make happen, that kid becomes part of you. When a teenage girl comes up crying and wraps herself around you, then your heart goes out to her and you want to make it all better. I understand it's not a step situation but her mother HATES me and fills her head with crazy things about us. Kids are smart though, they see the truth.

 

I think it's easy to love anyone, thing, you take care of.

[venusianx13]

I feel very lucky.

 

I ALMOST settled for a guy who could care less about my young son. He was outwardly annoyed by him, didn't care to spend time with him, attend his birthdays, etc. He was a child, himself, and very self-centered. Yes, shame on me for even considering marrying this guy. It took me a long time to see the light.

 

Quite frankly, I didn't know what to expect in regards to another man accepting my child. I had my son in my early 20's, his father and I were engaged to be married and living together (oh, what hell that was), and I ended up leaving him because I found out he was addicted to drugs, among other pretty serious things. Simply stated - he was not fit.

 

My fiancé is amazing. Beyond my wildest expectations. We met when we were 29 and quickly became serious. He told me from the start that he was excited to be involved in my son's life, and to become a stepdad. He set up a room for my son in his house a few months into our relationship, so my son would feel at home. He plays with him, takes him for laser tag (even if I don't care to join), has interest in his well being, partakes in planning/setting up for birthdays and special occasions, gladly spends weekend nights doing family activities... I could not ask for a better stepdad for my son, and I know without a doubt that they love each other!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm mostly scared. This is the first relationship I've had where I can genuinely say I want to spend the rest of my life with that person.

 

 

Don't do it !!! You've already made it clear that you can't imagine loving anyone from somebody else's family.

[Ursa]

Are you expected to love them? If so, how does this happen? How do you develop love for another person's children? Is caring about their general well-being enough?

 

Also, do they love you? Do you expect them to?

 

I do love my stepdaughter, and she loves me. I think it is extremely necessary to love a stepchild, but it doesn't happen right away. Nobody can love another person in an instant, just because they feel they are supposed to. However, I would never, never have gone ahead and married him if I didn't already love her and feel that we were all one family.

[Eggplant]

Not if real daddy is still paying child support...just out of curiosity, is he off the hook for the kids if she remarries?

 

Absolutely not off the hook. Both parent should contribute. I grew up in a 50/50 custody arrangement. My dad paid 80% of the costs.

[USMCHokie]

Absolutely not off the hook. Both parent should contribute. I grew up in a 50/50 custody arrangement. My dad paid 80% of the costs.

 

Yea, I read about this a day or two ago. The step dad incurs no obligated costs for child support.

[dichotomy]

Are you expected to love them? If so, how does this happen? How do you develop love for another person's children? Is caring about their general well-being enough?

 

Also, do they love you? Do you expect them to?

 

 

I love my stepdaughter (SD), I am not sure I was "expected to", by her mom (my wife now), but certainly that was her hope, or at least care about her.

 

How does one fall in love with anyone? In my case it was practically love at first sight with SD. I could say that I actually fell in love quicker or easier with this child then I did her mom.

 

I really wanted to be a dad for a LONG time, due to a lot of life events and loss, this did not happen. My SD, needed a "real dad" in her life. So I suppose in part our love was easier based on the wants and desires of both me and my SD.

 

My desire to be a parent was not just having a DNA extension (although as a man that is part of it) it was about just loving kids and wanting to be a dad, and have a family. I like all of it - being a parent and a dad. The hard stuff, the goofy stuff. I like also the vicariousness of it. I can feel and see at times what they see - I remember it. It is amazing, best antidepressant there is to remember what it is like to be a kid -see through there eyes. Being an adult, and losing the lack of wonder and innocence and joy over being alive sometimes sucks, I like being around kids instead and being reminded about what the world is and can be..

 

What is love? You mention caring for another;s well being - well that IS most certainly one way to define love. Scott M. Peck more or less says "love is not a feeling, but a commitment to the growth of another" Love is about giving, of sacrifice for the better of another. That is also parenting. I provide love, and yes money and time to SD.

 

I had the benefit while on my long journey to have a family, to be close to my nieces and nephews. My sisters and brother were much older than me. I saw in a very intimate way what parenting was like. Each one of their children was very different and unique beings. I saw these "biokids" (as we step parents call them) provide some real heartache. They told their parents things like "I hate you" "your not my real parents" "You don't understand me" "I wish I was never born" and on and on and on. So frankly I knew that if I ever did have a biochild that there was no likely hood that it would be any easier that having a SD.

 

I hoped my SD loves me, I am sure she does, but she has only said it once to me - when i married her mom and she was young. SD has had a troubled relationship with her bio dad, and she does love him and says it often. I know she has struggled with how to love me and not displace or disrespect the love for her own dad. I also know that it is hard for her to deny the DNA nature of her connection to her dad, since I look nothing like him or her, and they simply share traits (good and bad) that I don't. Nature vs nurture.

 

I pleadged when I got married to her mom, that I would consider her my daughter. Although I use the term SD here in this post, I rarely use this term over the last decade to anyone, I suppose I have benefit from both the fact that her connection to her bio-dad is limited, and we live in a small town where most folks have never seen me being anything but her dad for a decade.

 

I read in another part of this thread, someone saying their stepkid(s) came in as a hot mess - lacking good parenting all around. Yep I get that as some of this applies to SD for sure- and I know how hard it was to save SD and fix things, (even her mom as well) but that okay - I loved saving her, raising her, lifting her up, because that what dads do. Thats what my own dad did for me until he died over a year ago - kept lifting me up.

 

SD turned 18 last week. My biokid turns 5 this week. Got more work to do, different work with this "other kid" of mine...much different experience with a biokid, but I look forward to this different project as well. I am a dad, its what i do.

Edited May 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[Nyla]

If someone cannot at least try to love their stepchildren, he/she should not get into serious relationships with someone who has children.

[Forever Learning]

I feel very lucky.

 

I ALMOST settled for a guy who could care less about my young son. He was outwardly annoyed by him, didn't care to spend time with him, attend his birthdays, etc. He was a child, himself, and very self-centered. Yes, shame on me for even considering marrying this guy. It took me a long time to see the light.

 

 

Thank God, it seems you really dodged a bullet when you kicked this one to the curb!

[thatone]

Are you expected to love them? If so, how does this happen? How do you develop love for another person's children? Is caring about their general well-being enough?

 

Also, do they love you? Do you expect them to?

 

I have stepparents on both sides, and kinda now am one (my gf of 1.5 years has a 13 year old daughter and we live together about half of the time, will be full time when my house is sold).

 

Honestly, the simple answer to your question is 'maybe'.

 

In my case, I had contact with both biological parents as a kid and now as an adult, everyone pretty much gets along. But 'getting along' is the most it will ever be, really. I don't call my stepfather for advice, nor my stepmother. We talk 1 on 1 occasionally, but that's about it. Neither are bad people, and my biological parents are happy with their new spouses, so that's as far as it goes. I have step-siblings on my dad's side of the coin, and do consider the step-siblings my brother and sister, we're closer than I am to their mother.

 

In the 13 year old's case the father is not in the picture and she doesn't know him, he left when she was a baby. Her mother thinks her and I should be closer, and we actually have had this conversation in the past few days. I pointed out that the daughter has seen long term boyfriends come and go, so the daughter is rightfully keeping a certain distance from me until I've been around at least longer than her mother's last ex was (2 years). I do all sorts of father'ish things with the daughter, even when her mother isn't around, but I don't think there will ever be the same bond that parents have with their own kids.

 

I never wanted kids and have made that clear. That's what brought up the conversation, the topic came up between the girlfriend and I about "what would happen if my daughter got pregnant as a teenager?" I told her without hesitation that I would not live in a house with a teenager and her baby. I would draw a clear line in the sand, abortion adoption or I'm leaving, so that would be a good fear tactic to use on the daughter when she gets a couple of years older about safe sex. I think that caught her mother off guard, she thinks/thought I would simply be a replacement for her daughter's father if we stay together, and would put up with whatever hardship the daughter could cause us, but that's not the case. It isn't that simple.

 

On the other hand my biological brother and my stepfather have a lot in common and spend more time together than my brother does with my dad. They are friends, basically, which has made them close over the years. My brother and my dad had a bit of a falling out (over bad behavior and comments around the time of the brother's wedding from the brother's wife), and since then they don't speak as much. In effect I think my brother has simply replaced one dad with the other. I get along better with our biological father, since he and I have more in common than I do with the stepfather.

 

I think that's really what it boils down to. If you have more in common with the kids than their biological parent does, you could wind up in that friend role and eventually be more of a parent than the biological parent due to the friend role.

 

But are you supposed to love them by default? No, in my opinion. Are they supposed to love you like they do their departed biological parent? Also no. They may very well hate you, depending on the circumstances.

 

So in my opinion, the answer to your other question is 'yes', caring for their general well being is enough. In my case with the teenage daughter, I have no problem paying for things she needs, or spending time participating in her activities, etc. I agreed to do those things when I got into a relationship with her mother, is the way I see it.

 

But there is a line and I've drawn it. I still don't want kids. I haven't changed, I have compromised. There's a difference. Things that require money, that's fine, that I can do. But for example my neighbor who has a 19 year old daughter living at home with a newborn while the POS boyfriend who knocked the daughter up comes and goes as he pleases? Nope, that will never be me. I am not obligated to do that because I am not her father. Or I won't do that because I don't feel like I have to, depending on how you look at it.

 

My BF doesn't seem to have expectations when it comes to me and the kids. He expected me to meet them recently, which I had refused to do for months, but he was getting annoyed with my refusal so I relented because it was becoming an issue in our relationship.

 

Honestly, I don't think he knows what his expectations are or if he has any. I'm the only person he's dated after his divorce. I guess he wants me to do what I am comfortable with. I'm not used to children, so I don't know what I'm comfortable with.

 

Trying to parent them seems like a disaster to me. They have a mother whom they are close to. I don't plan to come in and try to be their second mommy. I can only assume they would hate this. They are good kids who have had a stable upbringing (for the most part. My BF and his ex were mostly roommates while married, so their focus was the children). I have no idea how to parent, so that shouldn't be an issue.

 

I just hope this will be easier than I think. I hear horror stories about blended families all the time.

 

The opposite sex stepparent has a generally easier role than the same sex one I think. In my case growing up, as the oldest son, before mom remarried I was used to being the man of the house, so to speak, I did what I wanted and got what I wanted. When there was another man around in my former role, I rebelled against him pretty hard. In my stepmother's case, I was indifferent to her presence. She was just another adult to us.

 

I am in the same role now with the girlfriend's daughter, basically, albeit from a different perspective. The daughter going through puberty is developing that natural tendency to challenge/fight with other women, including her mother. That kinda makes me the good cop by default. Plus I'm more easy going than the mother since I don't have that parental attachment and fear for her well being. I give her a lot more leeway in doing what she wants to do, because I lack that irrational fear for her safety that a parent has. Not that I wish her harm or don't care about her well being, just that I'm more rational in how I judge what she does, which results in me being more lenient and letting her have her way more than her mother does. This sort of makes me the 'friend' parent rather than her mother, which is in line with the friend role I mentioned above. I think it's the best I can do.

 

FWIW I did not seek out a single mother, she and I knew each other in school years ago, and got back together when I made a trip to the city she lives in. Pure random circumstance. I met the daughter after about 3 months.

Edited June 3, 2013 by thatone

[MissBee]

Thank you for the response. I will definitely make an effort to get to know my BF's children. I hope that I'm worrying about all of this unnecessarily and that I will be able to bond with the children easily.

 

I don't doubt that I would care about them and treat them with respect and kindness, but actually loving them seems difficult to me, and I will feel guilty if I don't.

I can't imagine loving anyone from someone else's family. Do people love their in-laws? I wouldn't.

 

Unlike xxoo, I definitely don't love any of friend's children.

 

Hmmm...this is very weird to me. I'm not saying you HAVE to love your in laws, but it is strange to me that you say you can't love anyone from someone else's family.

 

How can you love your boyfriend? Do you love your friends?

 

I feel like the same capacity you have to love friends, whom you once didn't know, and a boyfriend, is the same way in which when you build a relationship with someone in your boyfriend's family or anyone else's family, that's how you're able to love them.

[pink_sugar]

I strongly recommend that if you are incapable of fully loving your potential step children, don't marry that woman. Its not fair to the kids.....

 

Coming from a child who had 2 step father's who both hated me.

 

 

The one from when I was 8 to 18 made me miserable, and really missed up my life / personality in a big way. So coming from the kids point of view, try not to be selfish in this situation.

 

 

I agree. My husband's stepfather was married to his mom for 20 years and always treated him like *****. Never made an effort to get along and for

some reason, his mom allowed it to happen all this time and still treated her husband like he never did any wrong. I also blame him for their lack of relationship. Now that his mother has passed away, we're wondering if she even left her son anything, but wouldn't be surprised if her douche of a husband had anything to say about it. No idea what his problem is, but he never had kids of his own and his mom never had anymore kids. He didn't tell my husband until last minute that she was on her deathbed and then suddenly expected us to put our lives on hold. Absolutely disgusting.

[iris219]

Hmmm...this is very weird to me. I'm not saying you HAVE to love your in laws, but it is strange to me that you say you can't love anyone from someone else's family.

 

How can you love your boyfriend? Do you love your friends?

 

I feel like the same capacity you have to love friends, whom you once didn't know, and a boyfriend, is the same way in which when you build a relationship with someone in your boyfriend's family or anyone else's family, that's how you're able to love them.

 

Is it common for people to love their in-laws? I was close to my exes' families and I'm still in contact with their parents. I care about them, but I don't love them, not like I love my mother (who I actually don't like a lot of the time).

 

I don't know that I'd use the word love for my friends even though I care about them and I'm there for them when they need me. I'd be very upset if something happened to them, but I'm not sure that means I love them.

 

I guess I understand romantic love and familial love, but beyond that it seems like it's not love, but a state of general affection and concern for one's well-being.

 

My bf's dog is with me most of the time. I like her and take good care of her, but I don't love her, though I love my dog very much.

 

Maybe my capacity to love is less than others?

[iris219]

Love grows out of shared experience, meeting one another's needs, helping one another, acts of kindness and consistent quality time. Hence, love takes a while to grow, but it does if one is open to it and sincerely appreciates people for their qualities rather than what one can do for you.

 

Yes, over time in laws can be loved and grow even closer than "real" family, same with children. Sadly, many folks don't get that until they become parents and start realizing how every human was at one time the innocent child of another and as such deserved basic respect and appreciation.

 

If you seriously think you are too self absorbed to love someone outside your family I would rethink getting seriously involved with a man who has kids or getting married until you learn how to grow and foster love, otherwise it will lead to many resentments and future issues with step children, parent-in-laws, siblings in law, etc.

 

I have known my bf's children for a month and a half. We like each other and we have fun together. Right now, that's enough.

[MissBee]

Is it common for people to love their in-laws? I was close to my exes' families and I'm still in contact with their parents. I care about them, but I don't love them, not like I love my mother (who I actually don't like a lot of the time).

 

I don't know that I'd use the word love for my friends even though I care about them and I'm there for them when they need me. I'd be very upset if something happened to them, but I'm not sure that means I love them.

 

I guess I understand romantic love and familial love, but beyond that it seems like it's not love, but a state of general affection and concern for one's well-being.

 

My bf's dog is with me most of the time. I like her and take good care of her, but I don't love her, though I love my dog very much.

Maybe my capacity to love is less than others? :confused:

 

Perhaps it is.

 

What does love mean to you?

[iris219]

Perhaps it is.

 

What does love mean to you?

 

To me, love is a feeling that goes beyond loyalty, affection, respect, kindness, concern for, etc. Of course, love includes all of those, but is different as well.

[HighheelsAries]

I have no responsibility to someone else's child. I will not support them financially. And no I have no intention of being Mum to someone else's child. They have parents- dont make your problem my problem. So no.