Can't get over boyfriend's past

[JBlackstone]

Ok, here goes... I will try to make this long story short and just give the important details. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. When we began to date I knew that he was still in touch with an ex-gf who lives out of state. I was ok with it at first but the more serious we got the more it started to annoy me. She would comment on every one of his posts, photos, events, etc on facebook and would constantly be posting on his wall. They had been broken up for at least a year when we began to date. Once it started to bother me, I brought it up to him and he told me I had nothing to worry about, she was just a friend yadda yadda.

A mutual friend who is also friends with the ex had assured me of the same. Still it bothered me. So i pushed the issue and he finally agreed to stop speaking to her, though at first he said he wouldn't stop because she was just a friend and nothing more was happening. (He does keep in contact with many friends male & female from his past, including family members of another ex.)

 

This was almost 2 years ago now and probably should have been the end of it but I can't get over this girl! I know it's insecurity but I can't stop wondering what is so special about her that he didn't want to stop talking to her? I constantly look up her facebook profile and try to find out as much as I can about her. One day while doing this I happened to notice that she mentioned she was coming to our state for a visit or moving here, I don't know! This has sent me into a full on freak out. Why is she coming here? She only lived her briefly almost 6 years ago when she dated my bf, the only friends she may have here are all his friends. To me I feel like she needs to move on.

 

She also will change her profile picture to pictures of her when she lived here or from a vacation that i know she took with my boyfriend. Even pictures of her with his friends. Am I crazy or is she?

 

Although I have snooped through his facebook messages (I know I know) about a year ago now, I am pretty sure he stopped talking to her. He ended up deleting her on facebook but there was still a message from her with her new phone number after they were no longer friends. I'm assuming he never called her because she then blocked us both on facebook. So obviously she wasn't over him..

 

Anyway, I just can't let it go. I am constantly insecure over this which leads to trust issues in our relationship. I feel like my constant facebook stalking is what keeps her in our life. My boyfriend swears he doesn't talk to her but i just don't know. I feel like she is just going to pop up any minute.

 

ughh, I'm crazy I know.

[stillafool]

I think you should stop snooping on her and him and spend more time with your bf making him so happy that there would be no way for her to get him back. Your being jealous constantly is going to turn him off and send him into her arms. If she is moving to your town there is nothing you can do about it so calm down. What you can do is make your relationship with your bf air tight.

[crederer]

There may or may not be a bad reason for their continued conversations, but the bottom line is that it bothers you and he should respect that (as long as you arent the type to bitch about every little thing, then thats a different story all together).

[Annapol]

I totally know what you're talking about. It's not like him being friends with an ex bothers you in general, just that it's like she's everywhere and it was ok when she was far away but now she'll be in your town and REALLY everywhere.

 

That's kind of what I feel like. At least you know who she is...I don't even know who to watch out for, lol.

 

I think he should definately take your feelings into consideration, though. If it makes you uncomfortable, and you're not all psycho about stuff usually, he should totally be considerate with you and back off on the contact with this person.

[Chi townD]

Whoa! Girl, you need to put the brakes on all of this or you're gonna lose this guy forever. He's done everything you've asked of him as far as this situation is concerned to the point that the BOTH of you are blocked. You stated yourself that you're sure he's not communicating with her, but that's not good enough for you?

 

I have a feeling that you've been burnt pretty bad in past relationships that you're just waiting for the shoe to drop with your current boyfriend. But, I got to tell ya, not every guy is like your last boyfriend or boyfriends. He's been upfront with you and hasn't hid anything from you and even mutual friends have said that there's NOTHING going on and you have nothing to worry about.

 

Here's the deal, right now you don't have a relationship with your boyfriend. If there isn't trust then there isnt a relationship. I strongly recommend that you see an individual counselor so you can get a handle on this feelings or else you're gonna lose a good guy.

[jphcbpa]

I would see this a challenge, a blessing and not a negative. You are being triggered here and this is a good spot to stop and ask yourself why. Agree with the above post about seeing a therapist. It is time to look inward. You cannot control him or her. In fact, this has nothing to do with them, this has to do with you.

 

Also stop the snooping...you are only going to hurt yourself and your emotions. Get off your partners back, get out of your partners way and get on with your life. What is the worst thing that can happen? Focus on you and your happiness.

[JBlackstone]

Thank you all for your responses. I am realizing more and more that my issues have more to do with me than with them. My boyfriend has been more than understanding during the whole relationship. Since it has been going on for 3 years, he is understandably frustrated with my lack of trust and suspicion. I am committed to making this relationship work!