Where do I begin?

[LadyLee]

I am seriously confused. I'm new to the boards but have been lurking for awhile. I am the OW- that feels so weird to type out. We started off as coworkers and became friends. We work high stress jobs. I was in a 15 year marriage and have kids with my Xh who also works a high end stressful job. Things with my H got progressively worse as did My coworkers relationship. We found ourselves venting to each other, getting attracted to each other. We would have to travel for work occassionally and one thing led to another. I'm not trying to justify any reasons for having an A but I knew that I was headed for D. Now my AP isn't married. He had a live in gf, and two sons. Neither with her. I go on to d my XH (I hope that I'm getting the abbrieviations right), it was a painful nightmare that we are still healing from. Xh didn't react well at all and lashed out and made it worse then it had to be. Divorce really brings out the worst in people. So my AP was with me every step of the way- behind the scenes. He was my best friend and confidant and all of the usual things that go with affairs I guess: amazing sex, stolen moments. We were forever going new places and trying new things. Originally we were never trying to leave our SO. Then I divorced and even went so far as to tell him that I knew that my circumstances had changed and that I wanted to heal my kiddos, and was not interested in being the OW. He agreed but became even more involved!? Helped with bills and lawyer fees, kid issues, ex issues, job etc. always behind the schenes. He began to what I felt was future faking because he really talked marriage, relationship evolving, our kiddos etc but he was STILL LIVING WITH THE GF? So I would blow off his words which hurt him. I wanted to stay grounded. So now we both are relocating but we'll be somewhat close to each other. One of his son's left for college and the other is going to live with his mother so that he can stay local. He says that once his son leaves then he will resolve things with his "roommate" etc. At first he didn't move out because of bills that he was paying down, then it was the son. He didn't want him living in a hostyle home life until she found a place. It's so confusing. Because I currently do week on week off parenting, on the week off parenting he will spend the whole week with me!? He'll go home to take his son to practices and feed him etc and then come be with me. Or if the son is with his mother, he'll stay with me FOR DAYS!? How does his GF accept this? She doesn't know that he's with me but just the fact where does she think he is? So why am I posting this? Well this week we will reach 2 yrs that we have been doing this. (wow) The first year we were't trying to be together etc, then I was divorcing etc, but this last year has been all us, taking vacations, I had a surgery that he nursed me through and he just threw me a surprise birthday party. I feel like he is moving towards our goal to be together but why can't he just break things off? If they are as horrid as he is saying, I just don't get it. I want to trust and believe because he has ALWAYS been there for me, above and beyond. I just don't get the hold up but don't want to wreck a great thing because I'm impatient or because things are moving at the pace that I think they should. He tells me that they don't sleep together (for a long while now) they alternate couch and bed. He face times me, calls me, etc. I guess that I struggle with the fact of how can any woman live like this?

Well I'm not doing the story justice. I guess my question is how can he seem so involved but drag that portion of his life out? Am I being naive? So yesterday I had a run in with the still unsuspecting GF who still refers to him as her "other half" (ouch). So we are currently in NC until he decides what he wants to do. Painful is not the word. We do everything together- everything. (sigh) But I can't live like this. If you've read all of my ramblings- thank you.

 

L

[MissBee]

Hey L,

 

Sorry, can you break your post up into paragraphs with spaces, because otherwise it is very difficult to read a huge block of text.

 

I think you'll get more responses that way, as I know for me, when I see a huge block of texts running into each other, I get a headache and I can't be bothered to read it.

 

So that would be helpful please

[LadyLee]

Miss Bee, thank you for the response, I tried to edit but I believe that I went past the amount of time. I don't have the energy to retype that whole ramble. Go figure, when I finally work up the nerve to tell my story. Thank you though.

 

L

[ComingInHot]

LadyLee, you've just joined the club no one wants to be in. I'm sorry you find yourself in this tough stitch But I'm happy you found LS.

Although I am a BW, the sting of not knowing One Hundred percent where your SO's thoughts and feelings are is universal during this time. :(

 

You wrote you had a "run-in" w/your friend's GF. Can you explain a little more what happened?

It may help others who have dealt w/this to offer their better opinions.

[Praying4Peace]

Hi LadyLee,

 

I think you are going about this the right way. Don't be afraid that you are acting 'impatient'. The reason he's acting this way is because it's EASIER, plain and simple.

 

He figures that there is no way you can misinterpret his feelings- he spends time with you, helps you out with routine/boring things, sleeps over for days...clearly is there with you in spirit and heart so he thinks THATS OKAY FOR YOU. Men are really dumb sometimes. Mine once said "Can't you see how much I do for you? Isn't it clear, you need more proof?" LOL.

 

You've got to be clear with him that you do not want to participate in a relationship that hurts another woman (cheating). That you understand he has a lot of things to deal with with his sons, living arrangements, etc. and that you don't expect him to ditch all those responsibilities in an instant BUT you need to protect yourself from the possibility that you will have to end this relationship permanently...which you will if you guys aren't exclusive (I don't care if he sleeps on the couch, he lives with another woman!).

 

I don't think this guy is going to wake up and smell the coffee unless you do something. Be nice and understanding about it but then be FIRM and DO NOT WAIVER. Tell him to contact you when he has broken up with GF and taken care of that situation.

 

You have to put yourself first here. There's a chance that he won't break up with GF and have a real relationship with you. You are only going to find out if you take this road, right? Otherwise you could be in this situation 2 more years down the line and in for a lot more heartache.

 

Stay positive, if its meant to be, it will and if it doesn't then he's not worth it. You guys have been acting like a married couple and hes NOT even married to GF nor do they have kids, so he's really being unfair to her. You also have to realize there is a possibility that NC will mark the beginning of the end if he doesn't do anything on his end.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting...

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I tried to edit LadyLee's post into paragraphs, since this is the least I can do to help her:

"I am seriously confused. I'm new to the boards but have been lurking for awhile. I am the OW- that feels so weird to type out.

 

We started off as coworkers and became friends. We work high stress jobs. I was in a 15 year marriage and have kids with my Xh who also works a high end stressful job. Things with my H got progressively worse as did My coworkers relationship. We found ourselves venting to each other, getting attracted to each other. We would have to travel for work occassionally and one thing led to another.

 

I'm not trying to justify any reasons for having an A but I knew that I was headed for D. Now my AP isn't married. He had a live in gf, and two sons. Neither with her. I go on to d my XH (I hope that I'm getting the abbrieviations right), it was a painful nightmare that we are still healing from. Xh didn't react well at all and lashed out and made it worse then it had to be. Divorce really brings out the worst in people.

 

So my AP was with me every step of the way- behind the scenes. He was my best friend and confidant and all of the usual things that go with affairs I guess: amazing sex, stolen moments. We were forever going new places and trying new things. Originally we were never trying to leave our SO. Then I divorced and even went so far as to tell him that I knew that my circumstances had changed and that I wanted to heal my kiddos, and was not interested in being the OW.

 

He agreed but became even more involved!? Helped with bills and lawyer fees, kid issues, ex issues, job etc. always behind the schenes. He began to what I felt was future faking because he really talked marriage, relationship evolving, our kiddos etc but he was STILL LIVING WITH THE GF? So I would blow off his words which hurt him. I wanted to stay grounded.

 

So now we both are relocating but we'll be somewhat close to each other. One of his son's left for college and the other is going to live with his mother so that he can stay local. He says that once his son leaves then he will resolve things with his "roommate" etc. At first he didn't move out because of bills that he was paying down, then it was the son. He didn't want him living in a hostyle home life until she found a place. It's so confusing.

 

Because I currently do week on week off parenting, on the week off parenting he will spend the whole week with me!? He'll go home to take his son to practices and feed him etc and then come be with me. Or if the son is with his mother, he'll stay with me FOR DAYS!? How does his GF accept this? She doesn't know that he's with me but just the fact where does she think he is?

 

 

So why am I posting this? Well this week we will reach 2 yrs that we have been doing this. (wow) The first year we were't trying to be together etc, then I was divorcing etc, but this last year has been all us, taking vacations, I had a surgery that he nursed me through and he just threw me a surprise birthday party. I feel like he is moving towards our goal to be together but why can't he just break things off? If they are as horrid as he is saying, I just don't get it. I want to trust and believe because he has ALWAYS been there for me, above and beyond. I just don't get the hold up but don't want to wreck a great thing because I'm impatient or because things are moving at the pace that I think they should. He tells me that they don't sleep together (for a long while now) they alternate couch and bed. He face times me, calls me, etc. I guess that I struggle with the fact of how can any woman live like this?

 

Well I'm not doing the story justice. I guess my question is how can he seem so involved but drag that portion of his life out? Am I being naive? So yesterday I had a run in with the still unsuspecting GF who still refers to him as her "other half" (ouch). So we are currently in NC until he decides what he wants to do. Painful is not the word. We do everything together- everything. (sigh) But I can't live like this. If you've read all of my ramblings- thank you.

 

L"

 

Hope this helped, I was in a bit of a rush. Mods, if this is redundant/detrimental, please delete my post.

 

LadyLee, I don't think I have enough experience to feel to be able to give you good advice. In any case I wish you & everyone else in the story all the best! I will come back to see if you have received the replies you needed, and will reply if not.

 

Best wishes!

[LadyLee]

Coming In Hot, thank you so very much! Our jobs require us to be around each other from time to time. The GF knows me because of work but doesn't know about us. Thankfully we don't come into contact often. She doesn't seem to be a bad person and I realize how monumentally unfair this is. I never dreamed that I would be in this position or that we would get this deep into this relationship. (sigh) again, thanks!

 

As for the run in with the Gf, she was working a different tent at an event that some friends were working. She saw me and hugged me and asked how I was. I felt like crap. She went on about her "other half". I've heard them argue and her acknowledge that they are breaking up. He says that she puts on heirs for people. I don't get that. We are all supposed to move to different states with our company. He and I will be 2 hours apart. I'm not sure what her plans are.

 

PrayingforPeace, I don't know why but your post has broken the damn to these stupid tears. Thank you so much for being nice and you hit the nail on the head exactly. It's just that I really love this guy so much! For the first time I get all the cliche's and sappy songs. He's been there for me like no one ever has. It's sad that this could truly be the end. Then again it could be a beginning.

 

Calvin's wagon- thank you so so much!!!

 

L

[LadyLee]

Wisernow, of course as a person, you see it unfolding but it's so gradual that it sort of sneaks up on you. When we started this journey it was as friends. Then it began to evolve and as our relationships deteriorated we had each other. Only his isn't moving like I initially thought. That's what I am asking. I'm seeking answers from others who may have been in this situation or know someone who has. Or just a different perspective.

 

L