Me and my friends want to help my ex before its to late.....Are we over stepping boun

[greyskies]

Hey everyone! long time since I posted and I thought I was doing good. My ex has moved on in his life and has a new gf. She is a bartender at two local bars. My ex never drank very often when we were together and was started drinking heavily since he started seeing her. He has a degree in computer science and left his career to be the janitor at the bar she works at to keep an eye on her. From what I've been hearing she is pretty much known as the bar Wh**e. And has turned him into a drunken idiot. He drives her everywhere while he is intoxicated and this is happening daily. His bills are piling up and being ignored. He doesn't keep himself dressed nice anymore and even goes days without changing his close.

 

A mutual friend has been hanging around with me because he no longer has his best friend anymore and has been worried to death about him. He went to check on him recently and he wasn't at the bar but his gf was. Well she told him he would be right back so he had a seat and the girl proceeded to tell this friend about an outing she took with a co-worker of my exes on an overnight camping trip because he didn't show up on time to pick her up from work. Well he had heard the story from my ex already but her version was totally different. So he was really getting worried now and went to speak to his mom whom I see still every other day and have remained good friends with. She told him a lot more stuff that was way worst then we could have ever imagined and she was even crying and that just isn't like his mom.

 

The thing is we want to go get him, me my other friend and a few close other friends that he has totally Dis-respected in some way. And to sit him down and talk to him and let him know that we are concerned. Reason being when he found out about the camping trip he bought her a ring and asked her to marry him. This girl doesn't give a crap about him. She is totally using him. And we want to make sure he is aware of what he is about to do. Are we out of line to feel this way? Should we just let him continue on this mad drinking and driving binge? Or do we step in and let him know we see a big change in him and its nothing nice?

[jade_nc]

i don't think you're overstepping your boundaries to speak with him.

 

but keep in mind that when someone wants to self-destruct, they are going to. nothing you say will change that. he's going to have to want to stop.

[jmargel]

Has his mom talked to him? It seems that maybe you can't let go of the relationship you had with him. There's nothing wrong with asking him how he is doing, but you seem to have gone out of your way to stay in his life to see what's going on.

 

He is going to make choices that you may not agree with. But he is no longer with you. You need to accept that and move on. Sometimes caring for someone is to let them learn from their own mistakes. Kinda like if you are dealing with an alcoholic. By monitoring them, and keeping all the booze away from them, you aren't truly helping them. You are not giving them the chance to learn for themselves. The second you turn your back away the drinking will start again.

 

If it were me, and saw my ex in that state, I would probably know she would get defensive if I approached her. Last thing she would want is me saying 'What you are doing isn't good'. She would perceive it as 'Ha Ha.. look what you've done'.

 

Though it may not be more personable, but less threating, I would write him a letter. Don't go into specifics about what you've noticed, but let him know you still care about him. But also remember to start living your own life.