abusive?

[Beesting]

I have begun to wonder whether I am emotionally abusive to my fiance. He is a wonderful person, very giving, but also kind of like "the absent-minded professor".

 

He often forgets things and sometimes tunes out of conversations. He also tends to pick up conversations in the middle of a thought. Like, we'll be watching TV or reading or in the car and he'll just start talking about something or someone without mentioning names or anything, and I usually can pick up what he's talking about after a few minutes, but it's annoying. He's also very sensitive, he has low self-esteem and I feel like I tend to bolster him up a lot. When we fight, he often ends up really upset or crying and I have to pull it together to comfort him. I have to admit that part of me wishes he were more "take-charge" or masculine.

 

I come from an abusive home. My mother was physically abusive, most of her beatings were with closed fists or broomsticks. She had bipolar mood disorder. Now she is receiving treatment and we have a great relatinoship (after a lot of therapy). I was also molested as a child and raped as a teenager. This is probably why I prefer my fiance, he is not physically intimidating. It's been several years since my rape but I still find men over a certain height and weight very intimidating and they basically just make me uncomfortable.

 

I get very vicious when we fight, sometimes even cruel. I am afraid that when I have children, I'll turn out like my mother. I loose my temper very easily and I get irritable and cold and I push people away, just like she did. My fiance has even mentioned that I push him away. It's like I can't control my anger when it takes hold of me. When I was younger, I was very timid. But it seems like the more comfortable I get in a relationship, the crueler I become, just like my mother.

 

Anger is a difficult emotion to control because you can't logically control it. At least for me, it bubbles up from inside and it's plain SCARY. I feel like, if I am emotinoally abusive, I should get help. But how? I'm a woman. No one takes me seriously. I'm petite and pretty, so they assume I'm over-reacting and just being "female - emotional". THAT pisses me off even more.

[kimmi]

I have begun to wonder whether I am emotionally abusive to my fiance. He is a wonderful person, very giving, but also kind of like "the absent-minded professor". He often forgets things and sometimes tunes out of conversations. He also tends to pick up conversations in the middle of a thought. Like, we'll be watching TV or reading or in the car and he'll just start talking about something or someone without mentioning names or anything, and I usually can pick up what he's talking about after a few minutes, but it's annoying. He's also very sensitive, he has low self-esteem and I feel like I tend to bolster him up a lot. When we fight, he often ends up really upset or crying and I have to pull it together to comfort him. I have to admit that part of me wishes he were more "take-charge" or masculine. I come from an abusive home. My mother was physically abusive, most of her beatings were with closed fists or broomsticks. She had bipolar mood disorder. Now she is receiving treatment and we have a great relatinoship (after a lot of therapy). I was also molested as a child and raped as a teenager. This is probably why I prefer my fiance, he is not physically intimidating. It's been several years since my rape but I still find men over a certain height and weight very intimidating and they basically just make me uncomfortable.

 

I get very vicious when we fight, sometimes even cruel. I am afraid that when I have children, I'll turn out like my mother. I loose my temper very easily and I get irritable and cold and I push people away, just like she did. My fiance has even mentioned that I push him away. It's like I can't control my anger when it takes hold of me. When I was younger, I was very timid. But it seems like the more comfortable I get in a relationship, the crueler I become, just like my mother. Anger is a difficult emotion to control because you can't logically control it. At least for me, it bubbles up from inside and it's plain SCARY. I feel like, if I am emotinoally abusive, I should get help. But how? I'm a woman. No one takes me seriously. I'm petite and pretty, so they assume I'm over-reacting and just being "female - emotional". THAT pisses me off even more.

comming from a abusive back ground you can be more absive then other people. if you arethinking about having children i would go and get help for you anger managment. you may be pushing people away without relizing it because that is what you were brought up with and even though you are older and have control of what you do, sometimes reverting back to what you are use to is eazier then trying ot change... you will/can also benefit from seeking help with regaurds to your past, that will halp the anger a great deal.. deep down inside you may still be angery for the way you were treated as a child and can be taking it out on the people around you

 

best of luck

 

kimmi

[kimmi]

I have begun to wonder whether I am emotionally abusive to my fiance. He is a wonderful person, very giving, but also kind of like "the absent-minded professor". He often forgets things and sometimes tunes out of conversations. He also tends to pick up conversations in the middle of a thought. Like, we'll be watching TV or reading or in the car and he'll just start talking about something or someone without mentioning names or anything, and I usually can pick up what he's talking about after a few minutes, but it's annoying. He's also very sensitive, he has low self-esteem and I feel like I tend to bolster him up a lot. When we fight, he often ends up really upset or crying and I have to pull it together to comfort him. I have to admit that part of me wishes he were more "take-charge" or masculine. I come from an abusive home. My mother was physically abusive, most of her beatings were with closed fists or broomsticks. She had bipolar mood disorder. Now she is receiving treatment and we have a great relatinoship (after a lot of therapy). I was also molested as a child and raped as a teenager. This is probably why I prefer my fiance, he is not physically intimidating. It's been several years since my rape but I still find men over a certain height and weight very intimidating and they basically just make me uncomfortable.

 

I get very vicious when we fight, sometimes even cruel. I am afraid that when I have children, I'll turn out like my mother. I loose my temper very easily and I get irritable and cold and I push people away, just like she did. My fiance has even mentioned that I push him away. It's like I can't control my anger when it takes hold of me. When I was younger, I was very timid. But it seems like the more comfortable I get in a relationship, the crueler I become, just like my mother. Anger is a difficult emotion to control because you can't logically control it. At least for me, it bubbles up from inside and it's plain SCARY. I feel like, if I am emotinoally abusive, I should get help. But how? I'm a woman. No one takes me seriously. I'm petite and pretty, so they assume I'm over-reacting and just being "female - emotional". THAT pisses me off even more.

coming from a absive back ground you can be more absive then other people. if you are thinking about having children i would go and get help for you anger managment. you may be pushing people away without relizing it because that is what you were brought up with and even though you are older and have control of what you do, sometimes reverting back to what you are use to is eazier then trying ot change... you will/can also benefit from seeking help with regaurds to your past, that will halp the anger a great deal.. deep down inside you may still be angery for the way you were treated as a child and can be taking it out on the people around you

 

best of luck

 

kimmi

[Nic]

i'm so sorry to hear that you've been through so much. but you know what? a therapist would take you seriously. they won't care what you look like or what gender you are. they would probably be the best person to speak to about your issues because they care about you and can help you.

 

YOU WRITE: Now she is receiving treatment and we have a great relatinoship (after a lot of therapy).

 

was it just your mother who received therapy, or the both of you? in any case, i think you would be doing yourself a huge, huge favour (and your fiance) if you went to see a counsellor about anger management. you have a lot of pain in your past that you need to confront so it doesn't spoil your future or spiral out of control.

 

i don't know if you've seen a therapist about the abuse and the rape, but if you haven't, you really, really should. no one in these circumstances can just be expected to deal truamatic experiences on their own. sometimes professional guidance and an objective point of view from someone who has a lot of knowledge in these areas will be the only thing to turn your life your around, along with your own will power. traumatic experiences will naturally affect how we relate to people, and you can get that under control with help and guidance.

 

you've taken a giant step in admitting there is a problem. the only way to go now is forward.

 

i wish you the best of luck in dealing with this, and the best of luck with you and your fiance. you deserve it.

 

I have begun to wonder whether I am emotionally abusive to my fiance. He is a wonderful person, very giving, but also kind of like "the absent-minded professor". He often forgets things and sometimes tunes out of conversations. He also tends to pick up conversations in the middle of a thought. Like, we'll be watching TV or reading or in the car and he'll just start talking about something or someone without mentioning names or anything, and I usually can pick up what he's talking about after a few minutes, but it's annoying. He's also very sensitive, he has low self-esteem and I feel like I tend to bolster him up a lot. When we fight, he often ends up really upset or crying and I have to pull it together to comfort him. I have to admit that part of me wishes he were more "take-charge" or masculine. I come from an abusive home. My mother was physically abusive, most of her beatings were with closed fists or broomsticks. She had bipolar mood disorder. Now she is receiving treatment and we have a great relatinoship (after a lot of therapy). I was also molested as a child and raped as a teenager. This is probably why I prefer my fiance, he is not physically intimidating. It's been several years since my rape but I still find men over a certain height and weight very intimidating and they basically just make me uncomfortable.

 

I get very vicious when we fight, sometimes even cruel. I am afraid that when I have children, I'll turn out like my mother. I loose my temper very easily and I get irritable and cold and I push people away, just like she did. My fiance has even mentioned that I push him away. It's like I can't control my anger when it takes hold of me. When I was younger, I was very timid. But it seems like the more comfortable I get in a relationship, the crueler I become, just like my mother. Anger is a difficult emotion to control because you can't logically control it. At least for me, it bubbles up from inside and it's plain SCARY. I feel like, if I am emotinoally abusive, I should get help. But how? I'm a woman. No one takes me seriously. I'm petite and pretty, so they assume I'm over-reacting and just being "female - emotional". THAT pisses me off even more.