Friends

[stanner]

Not sure if this is the right forum. New to board.

 

I'm a guy. Married. Have fallen for someone who works at same place as I do - she is also married. We are same age range, same interests, same everything. We are both married and happy with our spouses, but there is a spark/chemistry between us that is missing in our marriages. Neither prepared to leave spouses or anything like that where we are looking to jump ship.

 

No physical contact. We are trying to avoid cheating. But the chemistry is so strong. The attraction is obviously there and mutual. She is getting tension at home for being friends with me.

 

I just dont know the next step. All steps seem bad. 1) neither of us want to leave partners for this (again, we havent cheated or anything physical so we havent crossed physical lines) and we still care for our spouses, 2) we dont want to give up what we have in our friendship, because we see in each other what we want in an ideal partner. But I dont know how we can continue with option 3, which is staying with what we have now. It's just so much tension. I feel like I'm putting strain on her marriage when she tells him she is hanging out with me or on phone with me. She is lying to him not because she did anything wrong physically but because of perception he will think she has.

 

And sorry I don't believe in emotional affairs and such. I feel if you really care for someone you should keep them in your life. I want this person in my life, even if it doesnt become physical. She means that much to me. Sure I have physical attraction and it's mutual on her end, but just accept reality that as long as we are married we cant go there (she feels same). Just dont know how to cope with going on as it is and not going toward the other two options (no contact and going all in).

 

Part of it is also how I can mentally be ok with continuing things as is, which would be us being great friends....and not want to crave having more (the full relationship). Is it even possible when attraction is this strong?

 

Advice appreciated

[underwater2010]

I have one question for you....If your wife said it was her or the coworker/friend/OW, what would you do?

[stanner]

"I have one question for you....If your wife said it was her or the coworker/friend/OW, what would you do?"

 

If push comes to shove, I would stay w/ wife. She is a sweet person who I simply could not hurt by leaving her. That's the difficulty. I love wife, she is a sweet and caring person and has been great to me. But there are things missing in our marriage that I see in this new person. I know the saying grass is greener, but I just have this incredible bond with this new person that I have never had before. And I dont want to just lost that incredible bond we've formed, yet I dont want to walk away from wife who is great person, great to me. It's like I want my cake and eat it too.

 

If my wife was a bad person, this would be very easy for me. I just cant see leaving her. But to just shut out this new woman and do no contact is something I dont want to do - I care about her and want her in my life. I guess ultimately my quest is a find a way to fit this new person into my life, even if it's as a good friend ... but dont know how I can mentally go about that. The more I spend time with her, the more I have stronger and stronger feelings for her.

 

I think her answer to the question would be the exact same (not wanting to leave her husband, but wanting to keep what we have going without it causing too much trouble). But she has guilt about even being friends as we are and how her husband would feel if he found out how close we have gotten emotionally.

 

And metal_chick - appreciate your post . Walking away from this wonderful woman I've met is so hard for me. Yes maybe it's selfish on my part. I would be content being friends. I guess youre saying that's just not gonna happen (friends only) when the attraction is this strong?

Edited May 20, 2013 by stanner

[underwater2010]

Thanks for the honesty....now let me tell you what happened with my husband. He started talking with an old friend from high school. They both stroked each other's egos and were content, but not excited about their marriages. It started as messages and emails, then moved on to pics and videos. One physical meet up with a make out session. Then plans to met up for the "big event".

 

Neither one of them wanted to leave their marriages and never said I love you. They were "friends".

 

If I had caught the messages or if he had told me he felt anything for her, I would have put a stop to it right away.

 

You would not be posting here if you thought the relationship you have with your "coworker" was acceptable. I too have felt the electricity of being around another married coworker. I chose to stay as far away as possible and never to be alone with him. You are walking a slippery slope. Get your footing and turn your butt right back around.

[BrokenPrincess]

And metal_chick - appreciate your post . Walking away from this wonderful woman I've met is so hard for me. Yes maybe it's selfish on my part. I would be content being friends. I guess youre saying that's just not gonna happen (friends only) when the attraction is this strong?

 

EXACTLY.

 

My xMM and I weren't even as conscious of our chemistry as you are, and it only took a year until he cheated for the first time in his 20 year marriage.

 

How long have you both been married? I'm assuming not too long if no kids on either side?

[thefooloftheyear]

You cant do it....Period...Not for yourself or your wife...

 

TFY

[zevahc]

I can tell you that a friendship this strong will not just stay a friendship...particularly if you're letting the other feelings grow. You said you're already attracted to her. Leave it now...make your wife your best friend.

 

I have one of these friends now...i'm single...she's not...it's incredibly hard, and goes nowhere....ultimately.

[bellasue]

Like everyone else said, maintain your boundaries or back away. I was in the same situation. My xMM and I were best friends. We did a ton of stuff together. Sports activities, lunches, beers with friends. Many people thought we were married to each other.

 

Friendship turned into full blown affair at the end of last year. He dumped me in April and we've been NC since. Hardest thing I've ever had to deal with is the loss of my friend.

 

I asked him after dday why he didn't try to compromise (I know it's ridiculous to have asked that now) to allow us to remain friends. His wife said she thought I would try to "squeeze myself" back into their family (yes, it was ALL my fault....LOL) But the reality is the chemistry would probably still be there and so would the temptation.

 

Don't take that next step. It will cause nothing but hard times.

[Nattie]

Stanner, I have to share my story with you, because I can relate to this 100%. First off... be prepared for a harsh dose of reality on these forums, at first I was slightly offended, but in the end it did make me step outside my bubble and realize what I was doing.

 

I am a MW, and worked with my xMM. We became close fast, but it was innocent for months. We would laugh, and joke around, he really didn't act too differently around me than the other girls at work. I felt a chemistry, but we were both content in our marriages, and I certainly had never entertained the thought of cheating. The fact that you and this girl are chatting on the phone sends up a red flag. My xMM got my number from the papers at work and began texting, but even then I kept it clean and to a bare minimum, only work related topics. The tension was getting stronger and stronger, and one day when we were alone, he kissed me. It was literally like a magnetic force, and the rush of adrenaline had me hooked instantly. I refused to go any further than kissing him for many many months, thinking things would end on their own, but they didn't. We ended up having sex, and I would give anything to take it back. Up until that day, I still had control of a situation, I had every opportunity to turn it around. Once you cross that line, you don't want to go back. I decided that my children and my marriage was worth more than my occasional thrill, so I cut off contact. Now I'm almost a week NC, and I can't even describe to you how hard this is. I wonder what he's doing all the time, I saw him in public the other day, and I spend the remainder of the evening crying in bed with a half gallon of ice cream in my lap. I didn't even think I cared about him before NC, I swore it was strictly physical. You're already admitting deep feelings. There are people who find that one true love, and end up going through a painful divorce in order to be with that person, but you can't have both. As much as I love my husband, I started to have a hard time being intimate with him... because in my head, I only wanted sex with xMM. Unfortunately this is a pick your poison type situation. Things might not be too advanced right now, but in the end you will end up having to choose your wife, or this other woman. Please think it over... your entire life will change the second cross that very thin line.

[thefooloftheyear]

Stanner, I have to share my story with you, because I can relate to this 100%. First off... be prepared for a harsh dose of reality on these forums, at first I was slightly offended, but in the end it did make me step outside my bubble and realize what I was doing.

 

I am a MW, and worked with my xMM. We became close fast, but it was innocent for months. We would laugh, and joke around, he really didn't act too differently around me than the other girls at work. I felt a chemistry, but we were both content in our marriages, and I certainly had never entertained the thought of cheating. The fact that you and this girl are chatting on the phone sends up a red flag. My xMM got my number from the papers at work and began texting, but even then I kept it clean and to a bare minimum, only work related topics. The tension was getting stronger and stronger, and one day when we were alone, he kissed me. It was literally like a magnetic force, and the rush of adrenaline had me hooked instantly. I refused to go any further than kissing him for many many months, thinking things would end on their own, but they didn't. We ended up having sex, and I would give anything to take it back. Up until that day, I still had control of a situation, I had every opportunity to turn it around. Once you cross that line, you don't want to go back. I decided that my children and my marriage was worth more than my occasional thrill, so I cut off contact. Now I'm almost a week NC, and I can't even describe to you how hard this is. I wonder what he's doing all the time, I saw him in public the other day, and I spend the remainder of the evening crying in bed with a half gallon of ice cream in my lap. I didn't even think I cared about him before NC, I swore it was strictly physical. You're already admitting deep feelings. There are people who find that one true love, and end up going through a painful divorce in order to be with that person, but you can't have both. As much as I love my husband, I started to have a hard time being intimate with him... because in my head, I only wanted sex with xMM. Unfortunately this is a pick your poison type situation. Things might not be too advanced right now, but in the end you will end up having to choose your wife, or this other woman. Please think it over... your entire life will change the second cross that very thin line.

 

 

Well said....

 

I think everyone who is on the edge of taking the plunge, so to speak, should read these words. And re read them...Save a lot of heartache and grief..

 

TFY

[DelusionalOne]

Now my story.

 

My exMM was also a coworker. We are both married and both have a small child. We hit it off right away. And the chemistry was very strong. We became good friends and we talked everyday even though we weren't in the same office. We had much in common. Love of books, our music, philosophies on life. We could talk about anything and did. Talking with him was like breathing... effortless. Where we didn't share the same views, one would talk and the other would listen and we would at least respect the others view. We became best friends. We openly said that to each other....that we were best friends. But there was always this underlying attraction. Then we started texting each other... first occasionally and ultimately many times daily. If we weren't texting we were IMing each other. We shared our lives through words and pictures. I know intimate details about him, his wife, his child and every member of his family. We disclosed to each other that we were both BS's. Thru the sharing of those emotions we fell in love. I love you's were exchanged daily although we never progressed to "future faking"... Our "affair" never became physical. I have never so much as held his hand, but it was very intense and I know that ultimately it would have become physical. Only once, towards the end did he say he thought of leaving his wife.

 

One night his wife found our text messages. And honestly, the most innocuous of all the texts we have send. She, to say the least, was not happy and demanded that he end it or she was taking their child and leaving the country. He threw me under the bus. I got a text message the next morning at 5 am telling me "he was crushed but it had to end". I got a couple text messages later in the day from him, asking me not to respond and that we would talk later. The next day he ended it.

 

I immediately went NC and have not spoken to him since. I have been NC for almost 4 months. He has reached out (breadcrumbs) at least 6 times since then but I have stayed silent.

 

My heart is stlll broken. 4 months later, I have not "healed". I think about him every day and I still miss him and my feelings haven't changed. Him being a coworker adds a whole special kind of hell to the equation. I lost my best friend on top of it. I don't know how his marriage is going, but mine is an uphill battle and I don't know where it's going to go.

 

You and her are already in too deep, whether you want to admit it or not. I guarantee you, if you ended things tomorrow you both would be blindsided by the depth of pain you would feel. Please take careful consideration in you next moves because you two are not going to walk away from this unscathed.

[movingon45]

Not sure if this is the right forum. New to board.

 

I'm a guy. Married. Have fallen for someone who works at same place as I do - she is also married. We are same age range, same interests, same everything. We are both married and happy with our spouses, but there is a spark/chemistry between us that is missing in our marriages. Neither prepared to leave spouses or anything like that where we are looking to jump ship.

 

No physical contact. We are trying to avoid cheating. But the chemistry is so strong. The attraction is obviously there and mutual. She is getting tension at home for being friends with me.

 

I just dont know the next step. All steps seem bad. 1) neither of us want to leave partners for this (again, we havent cheated or anything physical so we havent crossed physical lines) and we still care for our spouses, 2) we dont want to give up what we have in our friendship, because we see in each other what we want in an ideal partner. But I dont know how we can continue with option 3, which is staying with what we have now. It's just so much tension. I feel like I'm putting strain on her marriage when she tells him she is hanging out with me or on phone with me. She is lying to him not because she did anything wrong physically but because of perception he will think she has.

 

And sorry I don't believe in emotional affairs and such. I feel if you really care for someone you should keep them in your life. I want this person in my life, even if it doesnt become physical. She means that much to me. Sure I have physical attraction and it's mutual on her end, but just accept reality that as long as we are married we cant go there (she feels same). Just dont know how to cope with going on as it is and not going toward the other two options (no contact and going all in).

 

Part of it is also how I can mentally be ok with continuing things as is, which would be us being great friends....and not want to crave having more (the full relationship). Is it even possible when attraction is this strong?

 

Advice appreciated

 

I'm on the same boat. Friends with benefits. It's just too hard on women because we get emotionally attached. Don't do it if you can help it. You won't be friends again after you cross the line.

 

Right now he's on vacation with his family for 3 weeks and so we are on NC although neither of us mentioned it. It's just the way affairs are conducted. It's just too hard! Save yourself the trouble.

[psm04]

Hi stanner.. Your situation sounds like mine and the xOMM. Both of us married and were not looking for an affair at all. We were co-workers who became friends who then turned into more than just friends. Neither of us ever said that we would leave our spouses, but it was much more complicated than that.

 

If you really care about her, but you know that you are not going to leave your wife, I think the best thing you can do for the both of you is to let her go. Unless you are able to stay platonic friends, but I don't know how that is possible considering the chemistry that you have. I'm currently going through the dilemma of whether I should allow xOMM back in my life as a friend (nothing else), but I keep telling myself that it is not going to be possible as long as there are feelings and that chemistry.

 

If you continue with things the way they are, it is only a matter of time before things get physical. I never in my life thought that I'd even hold another guy's hand, and I surprised myself by doing way more than that with xOMM. You will experience the biggest highs and the worst lows at the same time. It really isn't worth it. It's good that you still love your wife. It will be easier for you to focus back on your marriage since it seems like you were already pretty content with it. Hope you really think about all of the factors.

[Realist3]

And sorry I don't believe in emotional affairs and such.

 

That is like saying you don't believe in gravity. "it's there... but I don't believe in it."

 

You are in an emotional affair. Every single thing you have posted states implicitly that you are emotionally involved with this woman.

 

You have so many 'if' scenarios. You have invested mental energy in determining if you would leave your wife for this woman, etc.

 

We are trying to avoid cheating. But the chemistry is so strong. The attraction is obviously there and mutual. She is getting tension at home for being friends with me.

 

You are kidding yourself, or in denial.

[thefooloftheyear]

Good points...Dont forget to mention that not only are the women in this triangle going to get hurt, HE will as well...A lifetime of guilt and if he becomes attached to the MOW, how is he going to feel when he forcibly has to end it, or she does. He will feel the hurt....bad...

 

TFY

Edited May 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lilmisscantbewrong]

What they all said. I can't add much to this - but I beg you to see it for what it really is. It is an affair. Cut it off now. There are many of us here that felt like we could handle it while knowing we were eventually going to be walking off a cliff. A believe me, once you walk off (and you most likely will if you don't stop), you can't change it and it will eventually blow up.

 

Save yourself grief and heartache. As a FOW who got her heart broke by my XMM who was my best friend and in the process hurt my husband and his wife - I beg you to stop. If you care about either one of them truly, you will stop.

[secretlady76]

Not sure if this is the right forum. New to board.

 

I'm a guy. Married. Have fallen for someone who works at same place as I do - she is also married. We are same age range, same interests, same everything. We are both married and happy with our spouses, but there is a spark/chemistry between us that is missing in our marriages. Neither prepared to leave spouses or anything like that where we are looking to jump ship.

 

No physical contact. We are trying to avoid cheating. But the chemistry is so strong. The attraction is obviously there and mutual. She is getting tension at home for being friends with me.

 

I just dont know the next step. All steps seem bad. 1) neither of us want to leave partners for this (again, we havent cheated or anything physical so we havent crossed physical lines) and we still care for our spouses, 2) we dont want to give up what we have in our friendship, because we see in each other what we want in an ideal partner. But I dont know how we can continue with option 3, which is staying with what we have now. It's just so much tension. I feel like I'm putting strain on her marriage when she tells him she is hanging out with me or on phone with me. She is lying to him not because she did anything wrong physically but because of perception he will think she has.

 

And sorry I don't believe in emotional affairs and such. I feel if you really care for someone you should keep them in your life. I want this person in my life, even if it doesnt become physical. She means that much to me. Sure I have physical attraction and it's mutual on her end, but just accept reality that as long as we are married we cant go there (she feels same). Just dont know how to cope with going on as it is and not going toward the other two options (no contact and going all in).

 

Part of it is also how I can mentally be ok with continuing things as is, which would be us being great friends....and not want to crave having more (the full relationship). Is it even possible when attraction is this strong?

 

Advice appreciated

 

Whilst you are both married and you feel the way you do (and the feelings won't go, they will just get worse), there is no way you can just be friends. It will only be a matter of time before something physical happens. It's just the way it is. If you having feelings for someone and you find them attractive you naturally want to touch them. And whilst you can't, that tension will get worse.

 

Ok, so your options are this a) leave spouse and go off with OW or b) No contact.

 

Now I can appreciate that it's a little silly to go off with OW when in fact you probably don't know eachother that well, haven't 'test driven' eachother, so to speak or seen eachother in all lights. Problem here is that if you decide that this 'might' be what you want to do (i.e run off together) then you'll probably yearn to spend more time with eachother, get to know eachother better, sleep together (just to know what it's like) blah blah blah.

Now this is not going to help situations here. Even if you don't go off together, you have by then crossed the line and don't for one minute think that your feelings will stay the same...they won't they will get more intense and you will fall for eachother. And then your wife and her husband will find out (they always do) and you'll be in deep do-do. Everyone will be totally devasted - you have no idea how bad it gets. Then the spouses will demand NC - not your choice but theirs.

 

If you want to have her in your life you have to say Goodbye to your wife first. You cannot have both. Sorry.

 

NC - for me this is the only option you have if you're not prepared to end your marriage. But trust me when I say that it is hard work. Firstly you will grieve deeply over your lost friend, who you have to accept is in fact 'dead'. This grieveing can take months. Your wife will have no idea what is wrong with you because you'll be totally devasted. You'll also resent your wife a little because you sacrificed your friend for her, so you will feel that your wife needs to become 'super-wife' to make it worth your while. But the poor wife will be in the dark about that of course so she'll be doing everything wrong in your eyes.

 

Eventually your feelings should subside, but it takes time. This the best thing to do for EVERYONE. I'm afraid you have to take into consideration EVERYONE, not just YOU.

 

NC = No calls, texts, emails, blocking all communications channels, no seeing them, no looking for them on the internet, no smoke signals, no drive bys, no nothing. Imagine they have dropped off the earth or have died. That is NC.

 

Either path you choose is hell to deal with, but many people here have experience of both paths so please keep posting on here. We can all help and support you.

[Goodbye]

Cake eater! I love that you actually voiced that you want your cake and to eat it too! Perfect....

[waterwoman]

You've been told the truth here. Take it and use it.

[Spotme]

Speaking as a BS:

1. You are not the only person in your marriage. You may not consider EAs to be real, but you are absolutely betraying your wife right now and she WILL see it that way when she finds out.

 

2. You are actively hurting your wife right now. Read the boards. Almost all of us noticed a negative change in our spouse's behavior. Unless you are a professional actor, your behavior toward your wife has changed for the worse.

 

3. Your wife is a human being who should be treated with basic respect and dignity. She deserves to know the truth about her marriage. You seem to think the decision is all yours as to who you choose when the affair comes to light. She may very well decide she doesn't want you anymore. If you discuss your feelings with her now, you have a better chance of finding a way forward together.

 

4. When you inevitably move on to the PA, unless you get your AP to provide regular and on-going proof that she is free of STDs, you will be further hurting your wife by exposing her to diseases that she will not know to be checking for. Several diseases can be symptomless until it is too late while doing internal damage.

 

Making decisions about your wife's life without her consent is selfish, selfish, selfish. I'm quite sure that if your wife came home and told you that she was in love with a male friend and would continue spending time with him because he was too important to cut out of her life and she needed that spark and you don't give it to her, your reaction would not be good, to put it lightly.

[TaraMaiden]

Two pages.

 

Pretty much nails it.

 

But reviewing your initial post, made me reconsider and think the issue.....

I began to evaluate the situation, and take everything you said into consideration....

 

 

 

and.....

 

 

 

Nope.

I still agree with everyone.

 

This is a physical affair waiting to happen.

because you are already deeply embedded in an emotional affair.

 

This has to stop.

 

You have to address whatever you may perceive as 'off-kilter' with your marriage.

Because your wife may be blissfully unaware that there is anything awry.

 

Or maybe she feels the same way.

 

Perhaps you could actually take the initiative and discuss it with her, rather than fly within the realms of fantasy, turn it into a reality, and effectively destroy the lives of 2 other innocent and loving people.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I am in love with a co-worker. I feel like he is the man I was always meant to be with. I am married, he has a gf. I love him more than I could possibly put into words.

 

With that said...I wish I had never met him. It has caused nothing but heartache with just a few brief moments of pleasure and excitement in between. I'm sad all the time, he is sad we aren't together, my husband is sad because I am distant at home (he doesn't know about the A), and if I leave, my kids are sad. It is a no-win situation.

 

I still do want to be with my OM...I won't deny that. But the little voice inside me that hasn't completely lost her mind knows that I have made very bad decisions.

[thefooloftheyear]

I am in love with a co-worker. I feel like he is the man I was always meant to be with. I am married, he has a gf. I love him more than I could possibly put into words.

 

With that said...I wish I had never met him. It has caused nothing but heartache with just a few brief moments of pleasure and excitement in between. I'm sad all the time, he is sad we aren't together, my husband is sad because I am distant at home (he doesn't know about the A), and if I leave, my kids are sad. It is a no-win situation.

 

I still do want to be with my OM...I won't deny that. But the little voice inside me that hasn't completely lost her mind knows that I have made very bad decisions.

 

 

This is the insanity of it all...Its what I live with every damn day!!

 

TFY

[TaraMaiden]

With the overwhelming tide of opinion solidly against him, it's unlikely he's going to want to engage meaningfully with anyone here.

We've all basically told him he's an @sshole....

 

I can understand why he wouldn't want to tackle that head-on....

 

And what's more, he will ignore it all, and just continue with this, until the schytt hits the fan.

 

But I guess while there's thread, there's hope.....