my crazy @ss out.

[subversive]

( Title was supposed to be "Help my crazy @ss out) My boyfriend of nearly 7 years ( anniv. is July ) has not been ready for marriage due to what he claimed was our financial situation. That conversation happened a couple of years ago. I haven't brought up the topic since then because I knew it would accomplish nothing good and would only strain a relationship that I am really, truly happy in. We're 27 and 31.

 

We have talked about marriage ( brought up by him since I became mum on the subject ) here and there for a long time. I really believe he is committed to me, and he does say to me frequently that I am his one and he's in this for life, moreso in the last year than before. Now I'm a crazy mess because of what happened a week or so ago. He doesn't know I'm going nuts, but I AM. This is what happened, without any embellishment or wishful thinking on my part:

 

Out of absolutely nowhere, he asked me to email him my ring size and pictures of engagement rings I liked before work. I said teasingly, " Why? Are you buying me something?"

 

He blushed, smiled, and said, "When I get some money."

 

He texted from work to remind me about the email, and he asked about it first thing when he got home, telling me that I had better sent rings I liked and not just my ring size.

 

Two days later, we took a trip to the mall. He came up with the idea because he claimed he wanted hand soap from Bath and Body Works. This is the first time in our relationship he has ever gone into that store. He's always hated it. I thought it was weird. On our way into the mall, we passed a jewelry store. He stopped, looked at me, and said, "While we're here, want to get your finger sized and look at rings?" Like I was going to say no! I got my finger sized and looked briefly and stayed quiet. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even try on or point out any rings. He just watched. We left and he suggested we go into another. Once again, I was quiet. He pointed out a marquis. All I saw was bling and high price tags nowhere near what we can afford.

 

I was having a nervous breakdown because I didn't know what to do. I was shaking when I had my finger sized. You see, I had dragged him into a jewelry store 2 or 3 years ago when he so clearly did NOT want to be there and I was afraid of a repeat, even though this current incident was all at his suggestion. I didn't want to try on rings. I didn't want to put any pressure on him. I didn't want to look at anything that cost more than a few hundred dollars. I basically said, "That's nice, they're all pretty, let's go," while he looked at me like he was thinking "That's it?". We left. When we got home, he showed me these weddings bands online that he liked and mentioned he wanted ours to match. He showed me a ring he liked in a magazine I had. I did tell him I would like anything he picked out for me and that the most important thing is that he got me ring only if he was ready and truly wanted to get me a ring.

 

He also has been asking me questions about jewelry for the last couple of months, but I just thought he was interested in general gems/metals. He asked me about prongs and if carat weight was size or actual weight a few weeks ago. He has an interest in gems/metal working, so I tried not to think too much of it. His sister asked me my ring size 2 months ago, but she said it was for a bridesmaid gift ( I'm in her wedding ). I doubt he would have used her to find out that info because everyone in our families has big mouths. We share finances, so I don't see how he could buy me a ring without my knowledge, either. So this paragraph is really just additional circumstantial nonsense.

 

That's all. It's been two weeks since then. This is the source of my quiet obsession: I wish I knew if he's really ready to propose or not or if he was just looking at rings for one day in the very distant future. Our financial situation is the same as it was 2 years ago when I pressured him, though he is waiting to hear about a promotion at work. Why the sudden request for an email? Why the trip to the mall?

 

I'm sorry to write such a long, neurotic post, but that ring size request was like a one-way ticket back to crazy female town. I wish I had a crystal ball saying, "He will propose within 6 months," or " He was just window shopping for a time years from now, so settle your crazy ass down! ". I am trying to get it out of my mind, but it's not working thus far. Meanwhile, our relationship is good as usual. I am keeping it all to myself and not bringing it up. I would hope he wouldn't ask me such a loaded question as ring size and take me to look at rings without actually planning on proposing some time this year. Yeah, I'm nuts.

[Eggplant]

I get the impression you don't have your heart set on a million-dollar ring, right? So reassure him the price of the ring isn't important. You will be overjoyed with any da*n ring. What you want is to be married.

[subversive]

I get the impression you don't have your heart set on a million-dollar ring, right? So reassure him the price of the ring isn't important. You will be overjoyed with any da*n ring. What you want is to be married.

 

Yup. The email I sent him had some very modest price rings that I picked out. I also told him a nice CZ or moissanite would work. He knows money and glitz don't matter to me. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head right now.

[Eggplant]

He may be planning to surprise you ... yeah this is hard because you don't want to get your hopes up only to be disappointed. Just distract yourself.

[subversive]

Lol, right after I read through this one more time, he texted me "It's almost time." Meaning almost time for him to get off work...and here I am posting on the internet about us possibly getting engaged after all these years.

[subversive]

For those who might wonder why I stayed after he told me he wasn't ready ( this was at the 4+ years of dating mark ), I'd just like to throw out there that we were 24 and 29 then, so still young ( and still young now ), and I had a long talk with myself about the situation. I decided I would rather be with him without marriage than leave and date someone else who was marriage-minded. I didn't stay out of hope for a proposal. I didn't think he would ever propose. His parents raised a family for 15 years before they got married by a notary with no ceremony, and it didn't seem like marriage was something he valued. I didn't buy the " Our finances are stopping me, " excuse, though it was a consistent excuse at that time. I just thought he didn't want to get married, period. To anyone. I decided for myself that it wasn't a deal breaker.

 

Most women in my situation would be right in assuming that he is biding his time waiting for "the one," but my own personal feelings and the advice given to me by my religious, traditional parents and sisters said that this case was different. This man loved me and was never leaving they told me, and I had to decide for myself whether I could accept that situation. So I've been okay and happy. It's just that the request for ring size and the mall trip completely blindsided me. His casual willingness to bring up the topic of marriage seriously has blindsided me as well. It's opened up a Pandora's box of my own feelings about marriage that I had quietly put away two years ago.

[Treasa]

If you two have a healthy financial relationship, both with money and compatible to each other, then I'd say wait a month or so, and then tell him that you don't want anything fancy or expensive, but if he doesn't make his intentions known soon, there will be some decision-making on your end to be done.

 

Modify that if you'd like, but you deserve to know if this is going to somewhere, especially after this long.

[jeffstudio]

Hi Sub:

 

It is true. All you need to get married is love. The other things will work out once you have love. But you need to find out if you have ove. Let me explain.

 

The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.

 

It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things. For the man:

1. To accept everything that he knows and does not know about you before you are married.

2. To accept you regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age - for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if you are disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, he promises to accept you.

3. To forgive you later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others' forgiveness.

4. To encourage you to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship - otherwise it will get boring.

 

If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying physical, mental and emotional experience.

 

If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, he shows you that he is capable of justifying forsaking you for a younger, shapelier rival when you get older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for you is at its highest, then he shows you that he is capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

 

Choose wisely Sub.

 

Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)

[Mr. Lucky]

For those who might wonder why I stayed after he told me he wasn't ready ( this was at the 4+ years of dating mark ), I'd just like to throw out there that we were 24 and 29 then, so still young ( and still young now ), and I had a long talk with myself about the situation. I decided I would rather be with him without marriage than leave and date someone else who was marriage-minded. I didn't stay out of hope for a proposal. I didn't think he would ever propose. His parents raised a family for 15 years before they got married by a notary with no ceremony, and it didn't seem like marriage was something he valued. I didn't buy the " Our finances are stopping me, " excuse, though it was a consistent excuse at that time. I just thought he didn't want to get married, period. To anyone. I decided for myself that it wasn't a deal breaker.

Don't think anyone would wonder or criticize your choices as you both seem to be on the same page and happy with the investment made in your relationship. Conflict arises when the two partners have two very different short-term goals - for one, getting married and for the other, avoiding marriage.

 

Have you thought about where your line in the sand might be? At 27, you are indeed still young. But what if no change and no proposal when you turn 30?

 

Mr. Lucky

[subversive]

I guess I won't know what is going on in his thinking until he proposes or until I ask.

 

As far as turning 30, I can't say how I will feel in a few years. I've thought about this before. As long as he is committed to me ( which I really believe he is ), I think I can get past marriage. I can't say that with absolute certainty, though. If it ends up eating away at me and I start to feel resentment, then obviously the relationship will go nowhere good.

 

I know ( and he is aware ) that I do not want to have children out of wedlock, but as of right now, neither of us wants kids. We don't abhor the idea, but we both agree that ending up as a childless couple wouldn't be terrible should we get to the age where it's really too late to be having babies. My biological clock might not ever be an issue.

 

Everything he says regarding the future includes me, and I can't imagine being with someone who isn't him. Even if I did leave and end up marrying someone who I fell in love with, I would always know he was missing. Maybe that's just young, romantic nonsense, but it sounds horrifying to me.

 

Our anniversary is coming up. I'm not sure how he would have a ring already, but I don't want to ask him until after that date since that would seem like a prime time to surprise me. I am trying not to expect anything beyond a nice time together. I know he is taking his paid vacation that week, but he's left what we do to celebrate up to me, and that is pretty typical for him. I'll give it a couple of months and see what happens. I can't imagine that he is totally unaware of the effect taking me ring shopping has had on me. He's not an idiot, and he's never been cruel. I am feeling calmer about the situation today, so that's good.

 

For the poster talking about attraction and love, this is definitely not a lust situation or a forced relationship that sprung up from a sexual relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

Everything he says regarding the future includes me, and I can't imagine being with someone who isn't him.

In reality, married or not, that feeling is the only thing truly binding you together. Plenty of evidence here on LS that a license guarantees neither fidelity nor term...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

Having been in a very similar situation, my biggest piece of advice is to distract yourself and try not to quietly obsess over it - I know how hard that is!

 

I was actually taken ring shopping twice (his suggesiton, not mine) and tried on a few different ones. I also discovered he'd gone back to visit the jeweller on his own for a more serious consultation. (I found the card with the cut/carat/setting/price estimate while I was doing laundry)

 

Every important day that approached had me eagerly awaiting THE question. Stay patient and good luck!

[subversive]

He told me yesterday he wants to save money through the summer so that we can go on a romantic, cabin-in-the-mountains type trip this October.

Hmmm.

 

Speaking of still being young at 27, I found my first grey hair a few days ago.

 

I've been distracting myself by beginning to plan our itinerary for October and trying not to think about what might happen on that trip. Thanks for the responses, guys.

[ExpatInItaly]

He told me yesterday he wants to save money through the summer so that we can go on a romantic, cabin-in-the-mountains type trip this October.

Hmmm.

 

Speaking of still being young at 27, I found my first grey hair a few days ago.

 

I've been distracting myself by beginning to plan our itinerary for October and trying not to think about what might happen on that trip. Thanks for the responses, guys.

 

By distract yourself, I meant doing something entirely unrelated to a potential engagement...Find something else to keep your mind busy too! I had planned a tropical vacation thinking it would distract me, but all it did was bring my mind straight back to "well, if we stay in XYZ resort, he could possibly be thinking of proposing on the beach!" or "if we do this activity, he might feel so romantic that he pops the question then!" (side-note..there was no proposal on that trip after all) Mind-numbing, isn't?!

[subversive]

By distract yourself, I meant doing something entirely unrelated to a potential engagement...

 

I was somewhat joking.

[subversive]

We looked at rings again yesterday. I'm feeling a lot less crazy now. It's become pretty obvious to me that he has every intention of making me a "respectable woman." It may not be immediately, but it will happen. I suppose, in the end, the timing doesn't really matter all that much.

[Forever Learning]

I think your man sounds wonderful. He knew those years back that he wasn't ready to take that step, and sounds like he is now. Perhaps he's been saving money for your ring for years, knowing that when the time was right, he'd be able to give you the ring he thinks you deserve. I'd quit the freaking out, and just go with it, enjoy it. If he wasn't ready, he certainly wouldn't be asking for your input. Give it. Be honest, and ask for what you'd like. If he didn't want your input, he certainly wouldn't have asked. Congrats!

 

 

Yes, I second this advice! Give some input on the type of ring you'd like, and I don't see a problem with letting him know that it doesn't have to be overly expensive since you guys don't have the finances for something really expensive. You mentioned CZ (Cubic Zirconia, I looked at those as well when I was shopping engagement rings. I wanted to save money, we didn't have much money, and I thought they looked very nice and just as authentic. But that is a personal choice of course. You could always replace the CZ stone with a real diamond down the road, like on your 5th or 10th anniversary, if you wanted to. The ring itself (the gold part) could be a regular type engagement ring, with the stone part being the inexpensive part. There are so many options. I think he wants your input, so don't be shy, just communicate with him. All the best to you! :bunny:

[eleve82]

It's been only two weeks and you're driving yourself crazy over this? You need to relax and give him a break. If you go mental on him now you'll ruin whatever thoughts he had about warming up to getting married.

[Forever Learning]

It's been only two weeks and you're driving yourself crazy over this? You need to relax and give him a break. If you go mental on him now you'll ruin whatever thoughts he had about warming up to getting married.

 

I'm sure it's really hard NOT to be really excited, after waiting so long for this to come to fruition!

[subversive]

This is an old thread, but I wanted to post an update. We are now engaged.