Why is sex all they (men) want?

[USMCHokie]

I've had the exact same problem. The few guys I liked (more or less, I was gaga just for one) pushed for sex within 2-3 dates and when they didn't get it, they poofed. I think that's because they are just not ready to settle down for whatever reason.

 

The reason was that you were not the one. Sex is so easy to get via online dating these days, so if they don't see potential for a serious relationship, then they'll try to salvage sex from you at least once before moving along to the next person.

 

Of course, there are guys out there who just go for the sex with absolutely no intention of any kind of relationship.

[sillyanswer]

I've had the exact same problem. The few guys I liked (more or less, I was gaga just for one) pushed for sex within 2-3 dates and when they didn't get it, they poofed. I think that's because they are just not ready to settle down for whatever reason.

 

Sometimes a different reason is that guys get butthurt at getting rejected for sex, or misinterpret what the woman is saying. She thinks she's saying "it's too soon to have sex, but maybe if you stick around and we have a relationship..." and he thinks he's hearing "go away loser" or at least gets upset at being told "no".

 

End result: woman thinks man only wants sex, man thinks woman isn't interested so he moves on.

[BluEyeL]

The reason was that you were not the one. Sex is so easy to get via online dating these days, so if they don't see potential for a serious relationship, then they'll try to salvage sex from you at least once before moving along to the next person.

 

Of course, there are guys out there who just go for the sex with absolutely no intention of any kind of relationship.

 

OK, and/or I wasn't the one. One of them was single for 9 years, I mean, probably a lot of women were not the one. Another one told me that he was in relationships all his life and feels that "now is my time". A third has never been married up to 43, and probably liked it that way. A fourth lived with his gf for 10 yrs before marrying her (4 years, than divorced--this was a red flag, living with somone 10 yrs, showed me problems in committing). This one asked at the first date if I was looking to get married.

 

There are many men who are not really looking to settle down soon. Not saying that they'll not eventually do it, but not ready at the same point in time as you are. And of course, if they go gaga for someone, they'll probably change their mind, but chances are very low. I find it very hard to go gaga immediately over someone you meet online, unless you take the time to develop some feelings. Bottom line, you didn't find someone completely compatible with you, who wants the same thing at the same time as you, who is attracted to you and to whom you are attracted to. That will take a while to find, if ever. In the mean time, it is indeed exhausting to go through the dating carousel and keep looking. Just need to find a way not to go through emotional highs and lows. And deal with being celibate, or give in to sex requests occasionally. I choose to be celibate so far.

[BluEyeL]

Sometimes a different reason is that guys get butthurt at getting rejected for sex, or misinterpret what the woman is saying. She thinks she's saying "it's too soon to have sex, but maybe if you stick around and we have a relationship..." and he thinks he's hearing "go away loser" or at least gets upset at being told "no".

 

End result: woman thinks man only wants sex, man thinks woman isn't interested so he moves on.

 

That is a strong possibility also. There is so much miscommunication, I blame a lot on that.

[sillyanswer]

And even a lot of relationship-seeking guys think that having sex is an important part of dating.

[BluEyeL]

And even a lot of relationship-seeking guys think that having sex is an important part of dating.

 

I see the validity of this male point of view, however, in real life, is hard for me to deal with this. If I had early sex with everyone I've met so far, most of them would not work out, and maybe ONE will eventually work out. But until then, how many men would I have slept with until I found one that worked out? It is a conflict that I couldn't find a solution to. Especially since my number has been 1 for 20+ years and is still 1, I'm not looking to increase it to 10 within 3 months. It's hard, and confusing.

[JonasB]

And even a lot of relationship-seeking guys think that having sex is an important part of dating.

 

This is also very true. As much as I might like someone, if there's no sexual chemistry ( if you don't want to bang my brains out when we're starting out that doesn't bode well for 10 years from now ) I have to move on.

 

Many women think witholding sex is going to make us want you more, in reality it's quite the opposite.

 

Especially when women try to pull the ever popular "why yes, I did give it up on the second date with x, y, z but I want something serious with you so you're going to have to wait 6 months"

 

Yeah ok.

[crude]

Problem is being celibate is not that easy. Don't know how to solve that one. Good luck to you!

 

If you acknowledge that you'll probably never find a man who wants to marry you but you have a full life, why not just have sexual relationships with men who can be friends? I don't know how many times I've heard women say they loved the sex, but he won't commit. Once you eliminate the obsession to get married, women are just like men and can enjoy sex without marriage. Don't expect it, enjoy what you have now, and don't be celibate.

[edgygirl]

Why do you think that is? Cultural differences due to the Commonwealth/french attitude? They only live across the border and their media & marketing is probably very much dominated by US companies. The Canadians I've known pretty much all seemed to have a very DTE nature. Maybe you should have grabbed one of those canuks

 

I am not sure but whenever I go there I have the impression people are nicer, more polite and open minded.

 

I've once read this following page and the main response made sense to me, although it's on a question about why Canadians are less racist and more open minded: Why are Canadian white's more open minded,intelligent, and non racist than American Whites? - Yahoo! Answers - look for the "Best Answer".

 

I'm fine, as I said I grabbed someone already I do recommend American women to look to the North border though if they can't find serious, commitment minded men in American big cities.

[BluEyeL]

This is also very true. As much as I might like someone, if there's no sexual chemistry ( if you don't want to bang my brains out when we're starting out that doesn't bode well for 10 years from now ) I have to move on.

 

Many women think witholding sex is going to make us want you more, in reality it's quite the opposite.

 

Especially when women try to pull the ever popular "why yes, I did give it up on the second date with x, y, z but I want something serious with you so you're going to have to wait 6 months"

 

Yeah ok.

 

I can't speak for other women, just for myself here. I'm not withholding sex, it's just I can't have sex with people I just met, just need a little more time to get to know them, not 6 months. If I slept with everyone I dated, where would I be now? I dated about 20 men this year!! Also, I personally didn't give it up on the second date with anyone, so it doesn't apply. It seems there is a conflict between the genders here, we don't speak the same language. If people would communicate more clearly their needs and wants, things might go more smoothly.

[sillyanswer]

I see the validity of this male point of view, however, in real life, is hard for me to deal with this. If I had early sex with everyone I've met so far, most of them would not work out, and maybe ONE will eventually work out. But until then, how many men would I have slept with until I found one that worked out? It is a conflict that I couldn't find a solution to. Especially since my number has been 1 for 20+ years and is still 1, I'm not looking to increase it to 10 within 3 months. It's hard, and confusing.

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you should have sex with everyone you meet.

 

But, yes, most relationships won't work out - that's the nature of these things. If you're waiting to have sex only in the relationship that does work out then lots of men may consider you and them to be 'not compatible'. (Perhaps you'd agree with them.) I hope you don't think that means that they only wanted sex, even though sex was one of the things they wanted. But, you have your preferences, and they aren't 'wrong'... so good luck finding the right guy.

[edgygirl]

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you should have sex with everyone you meet.

 

Problem is most men on OLD do expect that. Hence OP's post.

[apple OR orange]

welcome to planet earth, people always want what they cant have.... its how men are built, thats called normal, seems like you want something not "normal", so you will need to look in the "not normal" places for what you want.

 

So not online, not in clubs or pubs / bars etc...

 

Sounds like you just want a friend, so someone gay might be an idea (or are you expecting to have your cake AND eat it) meaning you dont want him to have sex with anyone else either, if so your looking at about 0.01% of the population, someone A-Sexual but your be out of luck there, they dont generally want "sex" but will still look at other forms like BDSM.

[CryForNoOne]

Also, LOL! at the Canadian men are more marriage oriented.

Canada, the land of the bottomless strip clubs & legal brothels.

Obviously you've never been married...

[BluEyeL]

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you should have sex with everyone you meet.

 

But, yes, most relationships won't work out - that's the nature of these things. If you're waiting to have sex only in the relationship that does work out then lots of men may consider you and them to be 'not compatible'. (Perhaps you'd agree with them.) I hope you don't think that means that they only wanted sex, even though sex was one of the things they wanted. But, you have your preferences, and they aren't 'wrong'... so good luck finding the right guy.

I'm not looking to have sex in a relationship that is guaranteed to work out, that's insane. I'm looking for someone who would be willing to wait just a little bit, before sex. Just until a little intimacy and trust is established, not until we get married, not a year, not six months, not even 3 months.

 

In general, if they poof when not getting sex early, I do assume they only wanted sex. If they wanted something else with her, they'd be more understanding of the woman's needs. I'd like a kind, understanding man, who thinks of others too, and can delay satisfying his needs for a little while and/or openly discuss expectations. They might want a relationship in general, but if you have sex with someone who is essentially a stranger and if they tell you that they need a bit more time and you poof, I think you want sex first and foremost and the "relationship" is an afterthought, if at all.

 

But from what I read here, I acknowledge that it could also be about miscommunication sometimes. Idk, I'll need to think this over a bit more.

[CryForNoOne]

I don't know anything about you OP but I'm guessing you are not raising the bar high enough. A lot of men late 30s - 40s who have not tried to settle down are probably not capable of it. Are you interested in divorced/widowed men? They are your best bet. Not the perma-single lot who never grow up.

 

You've hit the nail on the head. Also my guess is that they don't view the OP as "the one" or will just never settle down period.

[edgygirl]

I think you want sex first and foremost and the "relationship" is an afterthought, if at all.

 

I don't think most OLD men are really looking for a relationship. They want to meet women, go out, get laid, etc. Then... IF they meet someone that they feel good with and that rocks their world, only then, they'll start thinking about the potential for a relationship. I have a feeling they don't go on dates as we do, analyzing the potential for a relationship right from the start. They go on dates analyzing the potential to get laid and if they're attracted. Men, please correct me if I'm wrong but that's the impression I usually got.

[joystickd]

The problem is her not the men. What do you offer to the opposite sex?

[sillyanswer]

Problem is most men on OLD do expect that. Hence OP's post.

 

"Expect" sex? - I'm sure that most don't expect it.

 

"Want sex?" - I'm sure most do, assuming the woman is as attractive as she seemed from her photos. Sex is part of dating for many people. I even heard that some women like it.

 

"Only want sex?" which was the OP's concern - I disagree, and I think that's part of the miscommunication I've been talking about in some posts today.

 

I think the difficulty is very often that the man wants sex sooner than the woman, and successfully communicating their respective desires such that they can get to the mutually agreeable sexy relationship that is neither "just sex" nor "just dating" is actually rather difficult, for reasons such as the ones I gave earlier. Failure to get this communication right results in the woman thinking the man only wants sex and in the man thinking that the woman isn't interested, when often neither is the case.

 

Successful dating is about sex communication.

[El Brujo]

I haven't been single long, but making effort to move on by meeting new men. I am so cinfused. I am smart, successful, attractive, funny. But the men I find most interesting, only want sex. Even if I don't mention sex. I am 37

Is it my age? Never married, no kids. Do men think this screams desparation for a wedding ring and babies, putting me in the "sex only" category? I hate to say it. But it seems the only men who want to be serious with me, are the ones I am not that interested in. Feels like I can't win. Why is this??

 

The poor guys can't help it. Pleasure-centered personalities. It's wrong to blame them for their biology.

[BluEyeL]

So, just for fun and games. Let's say one decided to stop being celibate. Who should she call for sex?

 

The guy she is gaga over and can't stop thinking about, knowing it will probably be just once but at least you slept with someone you really dig (seems more honorable), a superhot, young guy (at least he's hot, and I mean really hot, Channing Tatum hot), or a safe one (in between, you like him enough for sex, he is moderately hot, you won't fall for him)? Now, that's just an imaginary game, I'm not really asking, don't come and say "do you really need to ask us, have sex with whom you want".

[JonasB]

I don't think most OLD men are really looking for a relationship. They want to meet women, go out, get laid, etc. Then... IF they meet someone that they feel good with and that rocks their world, only then, they'll start thinking about the potential for a relationship. I have a feeling they don't go on dates as we do, analyzing the potential for a relationship right from the start. They go on dates analyzing the potential to get laid and if they're attracted. Men, please correct me if I'm wrong but that's the impression I usually got.

 

Well first of all most people, not just men, use OLD to get laid.

 

The thing is if we're really into you giving it up early won't make us less into you. If you hold off on physical intimacy, however, you might very well lead us to believe you're just not into us that way and we'll move on.

 

Because we're certainly not looking for platonic friends on OLD.

[sillyanswer]

So, just for fun and games. Let's say one decided to stop being celibate. Who should she call for sex?

 

The guy she is gaga over and can't stop thinking about, knowing it will probably be just once but at least you slept with someone you really dig (seems more honorable), a superhot, young guy (at least he's hot, and I mean really hot, Channing Tatum hot), or a safe one (in between, you like him enough for sex, he is moderately hot, you won't fall for him)? Now, that's just an imaginary game, I'm not really asking, don't come and say "do you really need to ask us, have sex with whom you want".

 

But it's not just a game, because you have to live with yourself afterwards.

 

If you can live with the consequences of your choices, do them both. :p

[BluEyeL]

But it's not just a game, because you have to live with yourself afterwards.

 

If you can live with the consequences of your choices, do them both. :p

There were three

[BluEyeL]

Well first of all most people, not just men, use OLD to get laid.

 

The thing is if we're really into you giving it up early won't make us less into you. If you hold off on physical intimacy, however, you might very well lead us to believe you're just not into us that way and we'll move on.

 

Because we're certainly not looking for platonic friends on OLD.

But if he's really into you, he'll wait a little, not the end of the world. If not, he's not into you. That's our thinking.