Being a virgin after college

[Pompeii]

I talked to my friend's brother yesterday. I'm in NY for my friend's graduation from NYU on Wednesday. He's an auditor for a large financial organization in Manhattan. He graduated summa cum laude from UVA two years ago and he got a job immediately after graduation. He was involved in a large number of activities on campus and he had a great social life. He was talking to me about how his number one "regret" (he didn't know any other word for it since it was kind of out of his control) was that he didn't have sex in college. I found it quite hard to believe considering he is in such a high paying position and I thought he wouldn't have any regrets from college.

 

He said he regrets it because he finds it so hard to meet women and actively engage women. He said his friends post-college have been encountering the same thing more or less but many of them have already found or have had a girlfriend or something of that nature since graduating. He also says that his lack of sexual experience will most likely turn off any girl that he happens to meet considering most women graduate from college with a hefty dose of sexual experience. He said it eats at him every day that he wasn't able to seal the deal with a girl and now he has to live with it.

 

I fear that I will end up the same way. Post-college is unforgiving for virgins and sexually inexperienced men from what I can see and I'm having no luck as of now. If these opportunities don't present themselves to me in college, I have no idea as to when they will. I don't want to be the sequel to that stupid movie.

 

Does anyone know any post-college virgins? How do they feel?

[skydiveaddict]

I fear that I will end up the same way. Post-college is unforgiving for virgins and sexually inexperienced men from what I can see and I'm having no luck as of now.

 

Why worry about this non-sense? People have been procreating and fraternizing since we carried clubs and dressed in animal skins. You will figure it out. Quit worrying about it.

[daletom]

Does anyone know any post-college virgins? How do they feel?

I didn't have girlfriends, relationships, or any real dating experience (much less sex!) through four years of college. I definitely believed "Girls avoid me like the plague.". I recall sitting in college graduation, watching friends receive their diplomas. As many of the guys stepped down they were met by a wife or girlfriend (or perhaps both?) who imparted displays of affection verging on sexual assault. I thought, "Hey - I must be the ONLY guy here who has never been laid!".

 

Of course, even then I knew deep inside that I wanted more than just to "get laid". I wanted the emotional connection of a committed relationship that expressed itself sexually, hopefully with my life partner.

 

About 5 months after that graduation I met the girl who DID become my life partner. About a year and a half after that graduation we experienced a double-virgin wedding night together. Our lack of sexual experience hasn't prevented us from staying married for almost 39 years now. In fact, being a virgin made me all the more attractive to her.

[Pompeii]

Well, we're not all that lucky and I'd also hate to marry my first girlfriend (if I ever have one).

[USMCHokie]

I was one for several years after I graduated college. I see it as both a blessing and a curse...it sucked not having that experiencing and allowing it to affect how I approached women throughout my 20's, but it also served as an incentive to become more attractive and desirable. If I had gotten sex during college, I might not have been motivated to improve in some of the ways that I did in my 20's, simply being content the way I was. I'm starting to think that's an issue with many guys (and gals) who experience lots of sex during their younger days...they feel content the way they are because it worked for them, so they feel more at ease letting themselves go as they get older because they still got laid.

[daletom]

. . . I'd also hate to marry my first girlfriend . . .

Why not?

 

I briefly had a girlfriend at the end of High School. That experience probably made me more aware of what I was missing over the next four years. No, we didn't marry but in all honesty I think we COULD have had a long and mutually fulfilling marriage. On the other hand, I have to admit that the girl I DID meet and marry after college is a better match for me . . . but I wonder if that's due to the fact that we met at 22 rather than 18.

[Pompeii]

Why not?

 

I briefly had a girlfriend at the end of High School. That experience probably made me more aware of what I was missing over the next four years. No, we didn't marry but in all honesty I think we COULD have had a long and mutually fulfilling marriage. On the other hand, I have to admit that the girl I DID meet and marry after college is a better match for me . . . but I wonder if that's due to the fact that we met at 22 rather than 18.

 

Because I know I would want to "experience" other people. Beyond that, I don't really like settling. If there are better people out there for me, why would I settle with the first person who showed me any type of beyond-platonic affection even though she may not be the type of person I am fully attracted to? That's why so many people end up divorcing, because they rush into things or the person they liked ended up not being the person they were many years ago. To be honest, I'm not too crazy about marriage for that latter fact.

 

To settle for someone when I still have "wanderlust" in terms of my romantic life is unfair to me and to her, imo.

[USMCHokie]

To settle for someone when I still have "wanderlust" in terms of my romantic life is unfair to me and to her, imo.

 

Yea, I adamantly recommend that you not do this...

[man_in_the_box]

Well, we're not all that lucky and I'd also hate to marry my first girlfriend (if I ever have one).

 

So if I understand this right you're going to dump your new girlfriend after a certain time even though everything might be completely fine? Or are you going to actively sabotage your relationship so she will do the dumping for you? I'm curious why you want to get into a relationship if you already know beforehand that you're only in it for the sex and what to get out if things are getting stale.

[Pompeii]

So if I understand this right you're going to dump your new girlfriend after a certain time even though everything might be completely fine? Or are you going to actively sabotage your relationship so she will do the dumping for you? I'm curious why you want to get into a relationship if you already know beforehand that you're only in it for the sex and what to get out if things are getting stale.

 

Don't try to back me into a corner. Eventually after things persist for a period of time, things will go south. I don't plan on remaining sedentary after college. I definitely plan on doing some globetrotting before my twenties are over and I know that I won't be interested in a long distance relationship. So inevitably, the relationship will end. People get into relationships all the time even though they both know it will end. Why? Because they enjoy each other's company.

 

So don't try that with me.

[ThaWholigan]

I was a virgin well after I left uni. Don't sweat it.

 

I do have some regrets, but I genuinely believe it wasn't meant to happen then for me, I still had to learn things. If you marinade on your sexual inexperience, then it WILL become a problem. Going into the time I lost my virginity, I believed that my inexperience wouldn't matter - and it didn't.

[man_in_the_box]

Don't try to back me into a corner. Eventually after things persist for a period of time, things will go south. I don't plan on remaining sedentary after college. I definitely plan on doing some globetrotting before my twenties are over and I know that I won't be interested in a long distance relationship. So inevitably, the relationship will end. People get into relationships all the time even though they both know it will end. Why? Because they enjoy each other's company.

 

So don't try that with me.

 

Relax – I’m not pushing you into any corner. I’m just asking you a honest question. I know its common to say for people they would never stay with their first girlfriend. I guess there’s a huge chance that things don’t work out and a break-up is imminent. However I don’t get why it has to be a principle thing. If you have a perfectly functional relationship – why break it off? If you’re just wanting to ‘sow your wild oats’ – why bother getting into a relationship? Just go find some FWB’s or whatever else you need to satisfy your urges.

 

To be honest I was once pretty much were you were - albeit at the start of college. Guess things work out different then you expect. I still plan to see the world despite my relationship...

[daletom]

. . . I'd also hate to marry my first girlfriend . . .

OK, you have already been chastised for intending to dump your first G/F simply because she IS your first. Don't sell yourself (or her) short - your first inclination just might be the best choice.

 

. . . Because I know I would want to "experience" other people.

{Preface: I don't think you meant to use the phrase "experience other people" as a euphemism for "have sex with other people". I don't use it that way in the following comments, either.}

 

To some extent you make a good point. Of course you "experience" other people an any social relationship - starting with the family(s) you grow up in, continuing in school, at work, at the supermarket, on your softball team, etc, etc. In Western cultures most people use the knowledge they gain from those experiences to narrow the field when they consider who they work for, where they live . . . and who they choose as a life partner. It's not inconceivable that a person can identify a compatible marriage partner based only on those non-romantic experiences. Most people use dating as an opportunity to develop more detailed experience with a specific person before finalizing their decision.

 

In MANY other cultures (perhaps the majority of the world population), some degree of brokered - or even arranged - marriage is the norm. The partners have little opportunity to experience each other, much less other potential partners, before giving a "yay" or "nay" decision. (And in strictly arranged marriages the partners have almost no voice in the decision.) It amazes me that many of these marriages actually develop strong bonds of commitment, fidelity, affection, and even romantic love. To be sure, these qualities never develop in many of these marriages but the same can be said for Western culture. There are other fundamental problems with these systems - as there is with Western-style dating - and I'm not suggesting they are superior. My point is that with a minimal foundation of compatibility (that's supposed to be the marriage broker's job), the "experience" you really need is experience with your partner, and THAT can be acquired with a little time and effort.

 

Beyond that, I don't really like settling. If there are better people out there for me, why would I settle with the first . . .

I never suggested that you "settle". To the contrary, be open to the possibility that your intuition will first lead you to an excellent choice. And I think you are missing two very important points:

• It's as much about BEING the "right" person, as it is about FINDING the right person.
  
• It's not about attracting all women, or even many women, but rather being the unique person who is attractive to ONE woman.
  

 

. . . many people end up divorcing, because they rush into things . . .

That could mean they rushed to get out of a relationship before it had fully developed, and later decided to "settle" for something less.

 

. . . the person they liked ended up not being the person they were many years ago.

Everybody changes to some extent. The ability to adjust and accommodate yourself to changes is important; the lack of that ability is associated with selfishness in my mind.

 

To be honest, I'm not too crazy about marriage . . .

I think that's unfortunate, since I believe people have a fundamental need for the commitment and fellowship of a good marriage. On the other hand I admire those who have the ability to live a satisfying and fulfilling single life.

[Pompeii]

It's as much about BEING the "right" person, as it is about FINDING the right person.

 

But what if you were so attractive that there were already *multiple* "right" people?

 

It's not about attracting all women, or even many women, but rather being the unique person who is attractive to ONE woman.

 

I 110% wholeheartedly and unilaterally disagree. I disagree that it is about being attractive to only one woman. That is foolish. If you do not find the woman you are being attractive for, then you have lost. The game is over.

Look at the guys who women swoon and go crazy for. They have options. Women love men with options. It's been proven that the more women you get, the more women will be attracted to you. Why this is? I don't know. I just know it's not based in any of that "confidence" fluff or whatever. Women seem to like guys that are "preselected" by other women. Unfair? Sure, life is unfair. Like I said, it's like money. Those who have it somehow manage to get a lot more and those who need it can't get a dime.

 

I think that's unfortunate, since I believe people have a fundamental need for the commitment and fellowship of a good marriage. On the other hand I admire those who have the ability to live a satisfying and fulfilling single life.

 

I suppose people have a need for a "good" marriage, but that is increasingly becoming more hard to find. After seeing many of my dad's friends get screwed over by their wives who supposedly "loved them so much", I'd rather not risk my well-being and my future on another human being who is just as flawed as I am. The day I get blinded by love and decide to sign a damning contract is the day I might as well hang up my man card and jump off a bridge. Marriage sounds great in theory, but modern day conventions and unrealistic expectations of my generation have destroyed the institution and have made it little more than a gift shop novelty.

 

My ideal scenario is to drift from numerous LTRs over the course of my life, George Clooney style, even though I know that is very hard to attain. That is the ideal life.

[Sun Devil]

Use prostitutes. They are the most honest women you can get

[El Brujo]

I don't understand---and I never will---why virginity is supposed to be as bad as having leprosy. Personally, I don't think it's anyone else's business if I or anyone else chooses not to have sex. Shaming doesn't work. Got it???

[DannyMason]

I don't understand---and I never will---why virginity is supposed to be as bad as having leprosy. Personally, I don't think it's anyone else's business if I or anyone else chooses not to have sex. Shaming doesn't work. Got it???

 

It's worked a number on me in life.

[Pompeii]

Use prostitutes. They are the most honest women you can get

 

I'm actually planning on seeing a prostitute in Amsterdam in the fall when I go to study abroad in Europe.

[Esoteric Elf]

Does anyone know any post-college virgins? How do they feel?

Yeah, myself. I feel great.

[will1988]

First I must say, WAHOO WA! I'm a Cavalier myself.

 

Yes, one of my best friends from college is the same exact way. He was really shy and nerdy the first year, which was my second year. My friends and I kind of corupted him in a way. But thats a good thing. We got him to blossum. He had no problems talking to girls. His problem was seeling the deal, whether a date or sex. He had girls that liked him, but his timing was off. He would always over think things. And by the time he manned up and asked the girls out, they had already moved on, and sometimes were even dating someone. He has come out of his shell a lot more since graduating. Since he lives about 20 minutes from where I live back in our area of VA, I see him at least every other week. We go to bars, and he talks to girls and even dances with them. Yet, he still can't work up the nerves to get their numbers. And when he does get a number, he screws things up. This one girl back in februray, well more like woman. She was 30ish, he is 24. Well she comes up to me and asks for a smoke, since we are at a bar that allows smoking and I'm a smoker... anyway back to the story. She starts flerting with me. I'm taken, and I'm not going to slum it so to speak. So I introduce her to my friend. Well they started talking about monopoly or something. And she said pretty much "lets go back to your place, or my place, and play manopoly all night long... I'll teach you a thing or two!" my other buddy and I looked at each other, and nudged each other and said "our little friend ____y is going to finally become a man tonight!". This chick was on the prowel too, because this guy, who at first we thought was her bf, came over and started talking to us. He then tells us that he is her friend, and he said "so which one of you guys is taking her home? She really wants to go home with one of you!". Well my virgin friend didn't catch on to any of this. We had to pretty much tell him to take her home. Instead they exchanged numbers, he got scared, flaked out etc... the next day he texts her about monopoly in a flirty way. She texts back, and did not get the referance, so didn't respond. She was decent looking. His problem is he does not no when to take the oppertunity that falls in to his lap, nor is he a good romantic conversationlist. Great at being in the friendzone with girls, bad at getting them romantically interested. The fact that he lives at home, has no car, and works retail even though he has a degree has also turned off a lot of girls to him.

[Pompeii]

First I must say, WAHOO WA! I'm a Cavalier myself.

 

Yes, one of my best friends from college is the same exact way. He was really shy and nerdy the first year, which was my second year. My friends and I kind of corupted him in a way. But thats a good thing. We got him to blossum. He had no problems talking to girls. His problem was seeling the deal, whether a date or sex. He had girls that liked him, but his timing was off. He would always over think things. And by the time he manned up and asked the girls out, they had already moved on, and sometimes were even dating someone. He has come out of his shell a lot more since graduating. Since he lives about 20 minutes from where I live back in our area of VA, I see him at least every other week. We go to bars, and he talks to girls and even dances with them. Yet, he still can't work up the nerves to get their numbers. And when he does get a number, he screws things up. This one girl back in februray, well more like woman. She was 30ish, he is 24. Well she comes up to me and asks for a smoke, since we are at a bar that allows smoking and I'm a smoker... anyway back to the story. She starts flerting with me. I'm taken, and I'm not going to slum it so to speak. So I introduce her to my friend. Well they started talking about monopoly or something. And she said pretty much "lets go back to your place, or my place, and play manopoly all night long... I'll teach you a thing or two!" my other buddy and I looked at each other, and nudged each other and said "our little friend ____y is going to finally become a man tonight!". This chick was on the prowel too, because this guy, who at first we thought was her bf, came over and started talking to us. He then tells us that he is her friend, and he said "so which one of you guys is taking her home? She really wants to go home with one of you!". Well my virgin friend didn't catch on to any of this. We had to pretty much tell him to take her home. Instead they exchanged numbers, he got scared, flaked out etc... the next day he texts her about monopoly in a flirty way. She texts back, and did not get the referance, so didn't respond. She was decent looking. His problem is he does not no when to take the oppertunity that falls in to his lap, nor is he a good romantic conversationlist. Great at being in the friendzone with girls, bad at getting them romantically interested. The fact that he lives at home, has no car, and works retail even though he has a degree has also turned off a lot of girls to him.

 

 

UVA is a GREAT school, it's where I'd be going if I didn't get into my first choice, which is where I am at now.

 

The funny thing is, I have quite a lot of female friends but none of them are interested in me romantically the slightest bit. Oh well. Such is life. Can't get it all. I'm just glad that I know I will be rich in the future.

[fortyninethousand322]

First I must say, WAHOO WA! I'm a Cavalier myself.

 

Yes, one of my best friends from college is the same exact way. He was really shy and nerdy the first year, which was my second year. My friends and I kind of corupted him in a way. But thats a good thing. We got him to blossum. He had no problems talking to girls. His problem was seeling the deal, whether a date or sex. He had girls that liked him, but his timing was off. He would always over think things. And by the time he manned up and asked the girls out, they had already moved on, and sometimes were even dating someone. He has come out of his shell a lot more since graduating. Since he lives about 20 minutes from where I live back in our area of VA, I see him at least every other week. We go to bars, and he talks to girls and even dances with them. Yet, he still can't work up the nerves to get their numbers. And when he does get a number, he screws things up. This one girl back in februray, well more like woman. She was 30ish, he is 24. Well she comes up to me and asks for a smoke, since we are at a bar that allows smoking and I'm a smoker... anyway back to the story. She starts flerting with me. I'm taken, and I'm not going to slum it so to speak. So I introduce her to my friend. Well they started talking about monopoly or something. And she said pretty much "lets go back to your place, or my place, and play manopoly all night long... I'll teach you a thing or two!" my other buddy and I looked at each other, and nudged each other and said "our little friend ____y is going to finally become a man tonight!". This chick was on the prowel too, because this guy, who at first we thought was her bf, came over and started talking to us. He then tells us that he is her friend, and he said "so which one of you guys is taking her home? She really wants to go home with one of you!". Well my virgin friend didn't catch on to any of this. We had to pretty much tell him to take her home. Instead they exchanged numbers, he got scared, flaked out etc... the next day he texts her about monopoly in a flirty way. She texts back, and did not get the referance, so didn't respond. She was decent looking. His problem is he does not no when to take the oppertunity that falls in to his lap, nor is he a good romantic conversationlist. Great at being in the friendzone with girls, bad at getting them romantically interested. The fact that he lives at home, has no car, and works retail even though he has a degree has also turned off a lot of girls to him.

 

Wow. A lot of this sounds like me.

[TouchedByViolet]

Charlottesville has good looking and smart women, beautiful area too. Most fun I had was visiting at JMU though. A guaranteed good time.

[will1988]

UVA is a GREAT school, it's where I'd be going if I didn't get into my first choice, which is where I am at now.

 

The funny thing is, I have quite a lot of female friends but none of them are interested in me romantically the slightest bit. Oh well. Such is life. Can't get it all. I'm just glad that I know I will be rich in the future.

 

Well think of it that way... you can get all the hot young women when you are rich. Admitedly, all they want is your money.... but, if that means banging hot chicks all the time, then I say, "who cares!". I don't like gold diggers, not in the slightest. However, most people don't realize, that sure the woman is draining the guy of his money, but if he is having sex with an amazing piece of a$$, then he is getting a lot out of the relationship too. The whole sugar baby / sugar daddy thing I don't really get, because that is just for "dates".

 

You will find someone one day. Everyone finds someone. As I tell my friend _____ once he actually lands a girl, she will probably be better looking than anyone i've dated. who knows. You just go out there and keep trying. I don't usual give him enough credit, but I should. He goes out there and actually tries, every weekend, to talk to girls and get their numbers. He gets to dance with some of them, but either has dance moves really suck or he is horrible at conversation.

[boaaaar]

If these opportunities don't present themselves to me in college, I have no idea as to when they will. I don't want to be the sequel to that stupid movie.

Just buy a ticket to Tijuana/Thailand/Costa Rica/Amsterdam and pound away. It's not like there's much that is worth the investment after a certain age anyway.