A Friend's Parents

[aprilbaby]

My friend and I are graduate students in a rather rigorous program. We developed a friendship based on our need for companionship in a grueling environment. We have been friends on and off again for two years. The first year, his parents had no clue we were friends and he is very close to his parents and visits them several times a month as they live only an hour and a half away. I was never invited to family events or when his parents were in town.

When I did meet his parents his mother was rather awkward around me.

 

AS a result, I feel his mother has judged me and has decided I am not someone she cares to interact with. So once again, I am never invited to activities when his parents are around. Recently, my friend had surgery and his parents drove down and spent several days with him. Knowing how his parents feel about me, I was not able to visit nor call my friend.

 

I am having difficulty with knowing whether to continue this relationship because I feel my friend does not respect my friendship and his mother clearly does not . His father has tried to make conversation with me and make me feel comfortable and he has even apologized to me for their behavior one time when I visited with my friend unannounced. However, his mother does not show any interest to hear about the outings or time my friend and I share.

 

My friend has confided in me that he is afraid of his mother and can not seem to communicate his feelings in fear of hurting his mothers feelings. However, I feel neglected as a friend when he visits his family. I don't feel very important in his life and I feel used because I am always there when he is lonely and sometimes is depressed about his life goals. I am there to listen to him when he is not feeling emotionally well and I try to lift his spirits.

 

I do not know why I feel it is so important to me that his mother accept our friendship.

 

We truly are platonic friends. I admit it started as sexually intimate but we have worked it out to be platonic. I am not delusioned into thinking our relationship can be more than friendship. I have no designs on marrying him nor having his children. I have heard that because I am 7 years older than he that his mother thinks we cannot be just friends and that I am in a different stage in my life that I want to be married with children. However, she has never asked about my thoughts on the matter and if she ever talked to me she would know, that since I was 23 (as I am now 39) I decided I never wanted children and thus saw no reason to marry.

 

He has not exactly treated me well. He has lied to me and cheated on me during the first year when we had an intimate relationship. I still continued the friendship but knew then that we would never have a romantic relationship. This is all fine for me.

 

I guess I don't know if I have a right to feel upset that he does not include me periodically to visit when his parents are in town. It was especially difficult to not visit my friend after his surgery.

 

He has asked me to respect his parents feelings and just resign myself. Well, I feel they do not respect our friendship. After all, my friend and I have spent a considerable amount of time talking, hanging out, eating meals, watching movies. We used to see each other nearly every day and weekends we would be together if he were not visiting with his parents. When his parents would leave town or when he would drive back into town from visiting his parents he would immediately call me.

 

Should it be important to me that his parents do not accept our friendship and that he isolates them from me and me from them?

 

Because I have a great relationship with my family and my mother accepts my friends and is genuinely concerned about my happiness, it is difficult for me to understand how a mother can make it difficult for their child who is a grown man to not accept his adult friend.

[bluechocolate]

I do not know why I feel it is so important to me that his mother accept our friendship.

 

Neither do I.

 

I have many friends whose families I've never even met. I couldn't care less if their family(ies) liked me or not. I'm not having a frienship with their family. One friend I've known for 30 years & I can't stand his family! As a youngster I saw them occassionally & even then under duress. As soon as we were older & more mobile we would never hang at his house.

 

If he was your partner or husband this would be an entirely different matter, but he's not. You don't have to like them & they don't have to like you. I'm sorry, but I find this quite strange. Are you absolutely sure that you are just "friends" with this man? Why is it so important to you to be accepted by his family?

 

How is his mother making it "difficult" for him? It sounds to me that you are the one who is making things difficult by insisting that these people should like & accept you when they have no obligation whatsoever to do so. Most certainly the world would be a much happier place if everyone liked everyone else. As you said, he is a grown man. Therefore surely he is free to choose & keep friends whether his parents approve or not? Granted his mother should be mature enough to accept those choices & at least be civil when & if you're around, but honestly, why sweat it if she's not? Let him see his family without you. You don't need them to have a friendship with their son.

[aprilbaby]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I understand what you are saying and I know the friendship is with him and not his parents. The majority of the time we do have a good time hanging out. It's just weird that if his parents are coming over, I have to leave.

It's strange to me that I have to not exist when his mom is around. And I get frustrated that he doesn't tell his mom that she is behaving childishly. He just lets her get a way with it.

 

For the amount of time I have invested in this friendship, I feel I do not get credit for being his friend and for helping him through some rather emotionally rough and depressed times. His parents realize he is fragile and they worry quite a bit about his happiness. I suppose I want some recognition from his parents that I have helped their son. I feel I deserve to be treated better by them because when they are not around he comes to me for companionship, advice, and comfort.

 

It also annoys me that he feels the need to lie to me to spare my feelings or hide something because he is afraid I will no longer be his friend. One example is last Thanksgiving. I asked my friend, what plans he and his family had for the Thanksgiving holiday. He said nothing special. I found his reply to be rather odd because I know his mother likes to entertain, cook, and have guests over. So, I pressed him on it. It finally came out that a lesbian couple he is friends with were spending Thanksgiving dinner with his parents and they were also going cross country skiing. Well, I know his lesbian friends and I know his mom likes them and I respect the fact that they are good friends so it was very understandable they were invited. I was most annoyed that he felt he had to lie to me again. He had lied to me on other occasions and when I confronted him about his lies, I stressed how important honesty was if we were to be friends. Because of his lies and his mom not liking me, I already knew we could not have a romantic relationship and so it was a good thing that we weren't "in-love.", we just enjoy each others company.