Trusting a BF who used to Swing & Open Marriage, still on Dating sites

[FireCracker18]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 yrs now. When we got together he was in a marriage that was rocky, his wife had decided to have it as an "open" marriage as long as they were honest and truthful with each other. We all started out with understanding and respect. However she then turned jealous of me. Their marriage has ended and he stayed with me. Knowing his past, and how he has lived his life for many years I have found that I am stuck on the "what if's".

 

I have found him sexting a friend, confronted them both, in turn it stopped. He has lied to me about certain things such as who he is texting, and his phone activity is private and none of my business as he states. However, by snooping I have since found out that he is still visiting old dating sites he is/was members of. When I confront him about it he says he only visits them when he gets an e-mail from the site, curiosity as he states on who flirted with him and says he has found people he knows on these sites. He insists he is not "looking" for a replacement, or a new piece of ass on the side. I know he is still in love with me, and I know he still desires me. How do I learn to trust that he is not looking?

 

He has changed a lot for me and for us, he understands and agrees that we are committed and are not ok with dating or having sex with other people. How do explain to him without looking jealous that I am NOT ok with visiting dating sites, because my mind says he's "looking". How hard is it to go from years of swinging and open marriage, to being with 1 and ONLY 1 person at a time? I am not writing this for bashing, I am only asking advice on learning to trust again. I have been wronged in many other ways previously and do not want to be played or looked like the fool again.

[SoleMate]

How do I learn to trust that he is not looking?

 

Based on the facts, it seems highly likely that he IS looking.

 

He has changed a lot for me and for us...

What makes you think that?

 

...he understands and agrees that we are committed and are not ok with dating or having sex with other people.

He understands that YOU'RE not ok with it.

 

Knowing his past, and how he has lived his life for many years I have found that I am stuck on the "what if's".

I would be too..."what if he keeps following his lifelong pattern of 'open marriage' and affairs?"

 

How do explain to him without looking jealous that I am NOT ok with visiting dating sites...

If he truly were committed and "not ok with dating or having sex with other people", there would be no need to ask this question. The fact that you have to ask it means that one of your fundamental relationship beliefs/assumptions is wrong.

 

...my mind says he's "looking"...

Your mind is processing observations and facts and reaching reasonable conclusions.

[Eddie Edirol]

You cant.

 

Assume that if he is on dating sites that he is looking. I cant speak for the phone privacy, I personally dont keep secrets in my phone. I dont know if keeping cell phone texts private is a thing for some people.

 

Bottom line is this, if he is lying about the dating sites, you'll never know if you doesnt want you to. I would start pulling back and looking elsewhere, you dont ned that kind of anxiety in your life. Problem is, you wont know this isnt normal or tolerable until you start dating someone who is all about you, and no one else.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think it will last with him.

 

The only hope you have is it he goes to a therapist to deal with his urges and tendencies to have more than one women.

[ExpatInItaly]

Who cares if you look jealous?! He knows that what he's doing is NOT okay with you!

 

There are red flags all over this relationship, I'm afraid. This is just one more to add to the list, no? Ask him to close his account on the dating sites. If he resists, then hopefully that is confirmation enough for you that he is really up to no good. The fact that he still on these sites for ANY reason is bad news.

[FireCracker18]

What really boggles my mind is that after two years you now are questioning his suitability as a partner ? Swinging involves no emotions, just purely sex as does an open relationship. She technically he went against the rules, cheated with you. Your character comes into question when know a man is married and you have relations with him anyway. It should be no surprise to you that he is exhibiting this behavior.

 

Still learning how to reply to posts with multiple quotes so please bare with me (What is the best way to reply to multiple posts by multiple quotes from all of you?)

 

1. They started out as swingers, when I came along, after meeting the wife and learning her "rules" of the game it because clear to me (not her) that they were in an OM instead. Once I pointed that out she started having issues.

2. She is the one who gave me the title of his GF and said him and I were no long FB's. He in no way however cheated on her since she knew from day 1 he was pursuing me, and she knew every move we made and actually told him to continue. I did not become involved until I actually knew she was ok with the situation and we had her permission to start.

3. My character... I am recently divorced after 14 yrs marriage, at that time I decided to say screw it and enjoy life and have fun with my choosing. People may look down on me but at the same time this was my decision, and my character has not changed to a negative way.

 

Eddie Edirol:

Bottom line is this, if he is lying about the dating sites

He has not "lied" about the sites, he was upfront about having multiple sites from when he was married (they both had multiple sites) That is how she met her BF of 5yrs now. He also was upfront with me that he checks them anytime he gets a message in his personal e-mail from one of these sites. My question is trying to figure out why continue reading the messages or flirts from these sites. I know he is a creature of habit and even though he has stopped a lot of his prv habits, curiosity of these sites is also a habit. To him this is normal because this is what he has lived with for many years.

Assume that if he is on dating sites that he is looking. I cant speak for the phone privacy, I personally dont keep secrets in my phone. I dont know if keeping cell phone texts private is a thing for some people.

As for his phone... To him his phone and messages is his private place. We have talked about this and his ex used to go through his phone all the time which he would find out later. If any time he got a message or call she needed to know who it was and what it was about. Constantly nagging and hovering over him to find out everything he did or said. Now that he does not have her doing this he feels confined and as if I am doing the same as her as if I'm investigating him. Just like him being upset with me snooping.

 

SoleMate: I know he has changed for me/us because before me he kept women at arms length and did not try for a relationship and kept his child out of it. We have regular sleep overs, I have met his family, our friends ALL know we are in a committed relationship and about their divorce. He no longer screws what he can.

[ChessPieceFace]

You're allowed to have deal-breakers, especially when they're reasonable. "Stop going on dating sites if you are with me" doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

 

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Right out of the gate you're at a disadvantage with this guy due to his swinging past. If his wife was jealous then she probably never wanted the open marriage in the first place, meaning he was probably wandering / she knew he wanted to wander and so she tried it instead of divorcing him. Then it didn't work for her. So the odds are pretty good that he pushed for it and wasn't satisfied with just his wife. If he wasn't satisfied with just his wife, why would he be satisfied with just his GF?

 

I wouldn't really trust or support any polyamorous situation. Some of that is from morals & background but a lot of it is, I believe, from logic and analysis of human nature. I just don't think it works for most people. It's a case of wanting what you shouldn't have (which by itself is normal), but then giving in to those desires, thinking you can have your cake & eat it too, and then most of the time having those desires wreck anything long-term and healthy for your relationships. It's childish, selfish, short-sighted and at odds with human nature.

 

Have self-respect; enforce your standards. At least make it clear he has to stop with the dating sites. If the guy still wants to play the field, let him play with someone else.

Edited May 20, 2013 by ChessPieceFace

[MYCluciferase]

CPF,

 

Yeah, I like "Stop going on dating sites if you are with me" - it has a certain simple ring to it.

 

FireCracker18: you can just say that it makes you insecure, and you feel that by stopping this habit he'll shut down an avenue of temptation.

If he can't manage to do that, or if he argues against it, then it's quite a big strike against him.

 

I do think that flirting and flings are somewhat addictive - I had a relationship with a girlfriend who had a history of cheating, and… well, she cheated on me. When caught and confronted, she opened up about her addiction to hooking up with men, and it was quite an eye-opener. We carried on for a while with her trying to keep herself under control but promising to be honest. Sure enough, one very late night she came home and confessed that she'd just b***ed a co-worker that I knew she was attracted to and had been struggling not to flirt with - she was in tears, half because she thought she'd lose me, half because she felt like she couldn't ever manage to be faithful and keep someone she cared for. We tried a half-open relationship (she was allowed to have other boyfriends, I wasn't) and that worked for us for several years. But that addiction… very hard to shake.