Loss of confidance

[BIGGEST LOSER EVER]

hi, been a while since I even lurked on here but any support would be great.

Long history with depression spanning 10 years, dealt with it with usual means-cannibis, alcohol then work/education.

 

About 6 years ago, I thought I had it licked. Would devote myself to work and education and if I found happiness along the way-great.

After I spent 12 months unemployed, having completed a masters from a top university-I never lost my self belief or my confidence. I eventually took a position at the family firm.

 

I came in with a whole host of ideas and plans. From the first day my brother (a director) made it clear I was starting from the bottom (he'd been there 6 years and was the age I am now).

 

I took on a whole bunch of additional qualifications-just for something to do on a weekend (I was t-total and my social life since I moved back from uni was non existent). Anything required over and above the call on a weekend, on an evening or whenever-I would happily take on, believing it would further me.

But a number of incidents took place over time: I had 3 months between 9-10 months courses to recuperate-crisis ensued and meant that someone would have to drive people around on weekends and evenings, it of course fell to me despite the courses and despite the fact that I was hoping to develop a relationship with someone-all the excuses and emotional blackmail came in as to why he or no one else from the senior management couldn't do it. A crisis in January led him to declare that I had inappropriate feelings for a member of staff (I can assure you all-I never had) which had skewered my judgement and that I was still a junior member of staff so shouldn't have entered into such matters (as it turns out I was right about the crisis), it angered me particularly given what I had done 18 months prior. Everything I ever put forward was subject to mockery and or negativity when I tried to lead on things, qualifications downplayed or dismissed without a second thought.

 

Eventually, I just decided to stick in my own little sphere of staying at home, gym and only doing what was necessary at work, which killed me-work had been my suit of armor and been at the source of my confidence but I felt like it had been taken away from me or worst still, I felt like a fraud for ever having thought myself to be on my way up.

 

I questioned why I undertook all the courses and the purpose of the MA (when I could have just gone to a bar, drank myself to waste my sundays hungover like my brother had), my social life and my personal life was non existent or with people who, and I hate to say this-were not on my level (talk of sport all the time, singing club songs, lack of knowledge or interest in anything but these, despite their mid 30s age-still hanging out in bars full of 18 year olds and not seeing a problem with this)-or I believed they weren't.

 

It has just reached the point now where I feel so angry, whenever someone says something to me-I don't react immediately but when I go home or get to a place where I'm not busy-I just dwell on it and feel rage building up (to be taken out on one of the many doors at home slamming). Things that I could dish out without a second thought and people have noticed.

 

What can I do?

Edited May 20, 2013 by BIGGEST LOSER EVER
Slightly more coherant

[bostonterrier]

You should see a psychiatrist so he can put you on antidepressants, I used to suffer from depression as well but I feel way better now after going thru therapy with the right meds, but 10 years is a long time anyway, since you alredy lost enough time you should seek help soon and quit the alchohol, it will just make you even more depressed.

[dougmccoy]

go seek a professional my friend. alcohol wont help.