Wife of 9 years had an Affair

[Magnumresearch]

hello everyone. I just wanted to share my story with anybody that was willing to listen. Its hard for me right now, and I haven't really talked to anyone about this. I'll try to keep it short, but I think it'll be hard.

About the beginning of March my wife started acting weird. I have a great gut instinct, and after she went out with the girls, she came home a little drunk. It was about midnight and frankly she doesn't go out all that much, and when she did she would never get drunk because she had to drive home. But this night was different. When I asked her where she was and what she did, because normally it was always an open book, she would always tell me play by play of where she went what She did,she just stared at me like a deer in headlights, and gave me one word answers, and right away I knew something was wrong.

so I started asking questions about where she was going everyday and asking how her day was, she was starting to get Irritated and say that I was investigating. When before anything I ever asked was answered. That was a red flag for me.it started to get to the point that she was so short with me and the kids, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. She would come home,complain, look like she was with in withdrawal every time she was Home.

so I made a hard decision I decided to get a tracking GPS. I had a conflict about this because I trust my wife, and frankly I was figuring it was just a phase, because she never gave me any indication that we have marital problems. Yes we would argue we're both stubborn, but we always work things out. I started tracking her mainly for peace of mind and to see if she was lying to me. I knew where she was every minute of the day or at least Her car. so when I started asking how she was and what she was doing, unfortunately what she told me what she was doing and where she was, never coincided with the GPS. So now I started becoming very suspicious.

to backup my suspicion, I check phone records, started taking down notes as to when there was one to two hours missing in the day. She is a registered nurse that has got a new job at a hospice being a professional liaison, basically a marketer for hospice. A great job with great flexibility, ability to make your own hours, basically drive around all day and go to doctors offices and self service. Coupled with the fact that they give her a laptop and an extra phone, probably made it very easy and tempting to stray.

about 3 weeks after tracking her, we went on vacation to St Martin. I assume that we needed to get away just the two of us without the kids, so we could connect because frankly we haven't been without the kids for 9 years. Me and my best friend and both our wives went. I had such a great time, but it seem like I was on vacation by myself. I even approach my wife and said this, and she told me stop acting like a b**** . She would never say this to me. funny thing is we we had sex the whole time. It was like we were kids again. It was great. So after a week we come home on Sunday. Then Monday rolls around.

Monday April 29th 2013, I go to work and so does she and I tracker once again. And at around 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I notice she parks at the same place that she did a few other times BY a mall. She leaves around 6.comEs home and quickly wants to go to bed. I said lets have sex and she just rolled over and says she's tired. The next day I was bringing my son to lacrosse practice at around 6 p.m.. I text her and she said she was going to get our daughter at dance at around 6 o'clock. But while watching the GPS, she goes to this house. My stomach drops. This is it I thought. I quickly get someone to watch my son and take off, straight to the location. My mind was racing, not knowing what to expect.

I pull up to the location, and see my wifes car there park next to another. I park down the block and sneak to the front of the house. I attempt to open the door but it was locked. I look in the windows and all was quiet.my stomach drops again. I was hoping it was her friends house or something. Up to this point I still had thoughts that I was crazy, paranoid and that if my wife found out that I was tracking her that would ruin a relationship because I trusted her.so around the house and went to the back door. Slowly turned the handle and the door opened.

I walk down the hallway and I hear music coming from a closed door. I lower my shoulder, and bash the door in. It quickly closes in my face, because he must have been standing behind it, because they probably heard something. I Then kicked the door in..and it broke off the hinges, and fell on the guy. and like that my life was shattered, they were both standing by the bed naked, and I proceeded to put that man in a headlock. I started choking him violently, wHile my wife was in the background screaming David stop David stop. I looked at her and said how could you do this to me, I also said I knew it. The man starts to bite my fingers and I let go. I live in Pennsylvania and when he took off down the hallway I knew he was going to get, a gun.

I get up and I take off Out of the house.I get in my car, and the man comes out of the house naked with the rifle pointed at me. Unbelievable. I was shaking. Hysterically I take off Towards home. ..crying and shaking the whole way. She comes home later that night and we cry and say I'm sorry to one anotherand it was sad. She had so much Re Morse the first two days.then something funny happened, she started being angry and unremorseful. How could she??? What have I done?

after talking, she said that I was mentally abusing Her and really mean. I'm not perfect husband and or man, and I work in construction and yes I curse sometimes. But the accusations of me telling her that I would killer and punch her in the face was too much. I would say mean things once in awhile but never mean. She let it build up to the point where she distance yourself from me and talking to me was too much. She never approach me sincerely to let me know something was wrong. I knew something was wrong but I didn't realize this. I was always try stopping the arguments, I would always ask why she was b***** . I felt I did all the things to make everything right when we were arguing but she was unreceptive, this goes back more than two months.

it takes two but I understand we can work at it. I asked and I we went to counseling two times because I want to make this marriage work for me, for her, for my children. She comes from a broken family, her mother cheated on her father. She's living with the person that she cheated on her father with to this day. I come from a family who still married, old fashion loyal and loving. Willing to always work through things knowing that it will make you stronger and a better person, never a quitter.

Basically right now she has adopted the what's the use attitude, and she wants out. Not even giving me a chance to make things better when all the while I was. I'm so sad, I feel like I'm dying inside. I am a strong person but this is shaking me to the core. I am such a loyal man and I stuck by her side this whole time through the good times and bad thick and thin sickness and in health, and this is the thanks I get, no respect for me, no respect for herself,nothing, never took into consideration everything we had and that was around her. My beautiful children that we raiseD so well,Are going to be shattered because of this. .

she wants to break up with a mediator and do this Civily, but how can I I still want my family. 3 weeks into this now and I believe she's still seeing this man or whoever. She says she had no plans to be with him because he's married..and he was gonna leave his wife.I read all the emails, so all the pictures sent to each other Through emails, and it seems that they did have plans. I cannot believe this is going to happen. She's in a fantasy world right now, and is willing to throw away everything with a signature. ..I dont quit...seems she has..hard for me because I love her still dearly. ..we lost communication and resentment set in....she is too c louded by anger to even talk to..hard to still live at home together and her not show emotions and pretend im not there.

Im devastated. .I dont want a divorce but I can't continue to be treated this way. Any thoughts ir comments will help. Thank you for listening.

Sincerely david

[dreamingoftigers]

This is truly awful and so traumatic.

 

Welcome to Loveshack David.

 

I'm sorry you are here.

 

I'll have to think a little more about what to respond but there are lots of great people here that will give you a lot of advice.

[CrimsonEyed]

Well i can only give you my opinion. A lot of women (not all, ladies don't get upset) but a lot, of women hold a deep deep sense of resentment...even for the little things. As being one of those I can maybe give you a little insight to where she may be coming from. I read a few key points in there that are little reasons I believe she did this all out of pure resentment. You said she said something about you being mentally abusing and really mean. You even admitted that your no perfect husband. Well, women are all about the mental and emotional love. If you faultered, slacked, or abused those aspects of her mind....well, that's what she went out seeking. She justified her behavior because in a sense to her you deserved it. That's what made her ok with hurting you. I'm not saying what she did was right, but I can tell you she felt it was justified. Realistically....no one is perfect. Yet us type of women can't settle with anything less. How do you know this was her first affair? Are you sure of it? I've had numerous ones...and he's never known. Her being with this guy is mostly pure fantasy land right now. Think about it....if your wife was a total b****...didn't really ever make you feel appreciated, didn't put out enough, didn't compliment you or make you feel like a man.....but then all the sudden you found this attractive women who wanted and desired you, made you feel like a man again, gave you everything mentally and sexually you desired....wouldn't you be so hooked on her? It's the new.....the new ALwAYS fades. That's what your wife is craving and holding on to and not realizing....its all "the new". 'The new' compliments everyday, makes you feel wanted and desired attractive and intelligent. All of which a long term relationship fades with doing so. That new feeling becomes addictive. Hence my so many long term affairs...I can't settle.because i akways crave the new. Which makes me wonder if this is her first affair. So this is partially an issue all within her self. A self esteem issue if you will. She needs reassurance that she is worthy, which your wernt giving her. Well she found it. Little does she know right now this to will stop. I suggest if you really want this marriage to work out....which I'm not so certain it will....i can only suggest you sit and talk with her and blame yourself for what she did.. its all she wants.to hear. If you can't do that,right or wrong and stupid as it is, this won't ever work. Don't worry, her new relationship will only end in disappointment and she will come crawling back. Then its in your court. Did i ramble?? Sorry about that.

[Magnumresearch]

Im absolutely sure this is her first...we have had a great relationship. ..just in the past year its been bitter...your right as bad as it is I contributed to this mess...probably more than I would like to believe. ..im in shock

[CrimsonEyed]

Women...and men.....always want what they can't have. The other route you may consider taking is the one where you want nothing to do with her. Stand up for yourself, tell her just forget it, your not worth it, we are through! Walk away,try as little as no contact as possible with her (I know you have children). See if she comes around begging then. Some women don't like the real emotional hurt not very strong men. Which she did tell you to quit being a little b**** right?? Maybe thats her, maybe your not a very independent mentally strong man. Act like one...fake it....watch what happens, its amazing.

In my current affair the same thing is happening. I was becoming far to obsessed dependant and falling for this man i honestly couldnt stand and i couldn't figure out why. The attention .....I craved it...good or bad. He told me I was getting crazy and to clingy. So, it killed me....still is killing me..but I backed off...now he's coming at me like where are all your emails, why arnt you answering mine,are you ok? Etc etc. So....once again....people always want what they cant have. Back off....watch her crawl.

[Sittinginmcds]

You said you guys sat and cried that night. You cried from heartbreak she cried cause she got caught. I've been through a divorce after 15 years of marriage I know it's hard but you will live.

Copy the email of theirs keep records keep pics find the meanest most ass fu*king divorce attorney and custody of your kids. Trust me on that I did the exact thing now I have my girls in PA their mother has her boyfriend in FL. I win.

I'm sorry your dealing with this but you can be ok if you try.

Best of luck.

[worldgonewrong]

Women...and men.....always want what they can't have.

 

Horse puckey.

 

Some women & men are quite content with what they have. And they're appreciative, to boot.

 

David- I know you're in a mental whirlwind right now, but...if I caught my wife & another guy naked, it would be OVER. CrimsonEyed explained the psychology at play, reasonably enough, but in the end affairs are selfish to the core. It's a murder of a marriage.

[trippi1432]

I'm 100% in agreement with WGW. I resented my exH a lot. AND I MEAN A LOT!!!!!

 

But one thing I never let that man MAKE me do is cheat on him. My standards are way too high to do something like that to another person and especially my children or disappoint my parents and other family members. Infidelity affects more than just the person involved.

 

David - Please know that you are in shock after this discovery, ask for space from her and go no contact for a while. Not to get her back, to get yourself together.

[GuyInLimbo]

David, I'm sorry to hear all of this. But WTF were you thinking BREAKING INTO A HOUSE?? C'mon, that was just stupid and you're lucky you weren't killed. You should have just waited outside.

 

That said, there are a lot of intense emotions going around. KEEP THE KIDS OUT OF IT. Be damn sure you don't bad mouth your wife in front of them. In fact, when you go to mediation (frankly, I think this is your best bet - I don't see how you save this marriage), make that part of your agreement. Both parties. And severe consequences if one badmouths the other.

 

You need IC right now. Sounds like you went to MC, but you need to focus on yourself. You just got run over by a truck. You're going to need a lot of help getting through this.

 

All I can say is to do your best to keep your emotions in check. Please. You're a dad and those kids need you.

[Magnumresearch]

I can say this though...I did alota stupid things in the past 2 weeks...im all over the map emotionally. ..I begged...I got mad and called her a whore...I took all of her stuff and threw it on the front lawn along with a sign saying my wife had an affair....I called her job...she she didn't get fired but will if I call again. ..told her I hope she dies of a terminal illness snd I wouldn't go to her funeral. ..told her I love her...texted EVERYONE LOL and said she had an affair...that one was on the second day after...I was hurting. ..you blame me?? Its just when I see the one I love doing this im shot. .I know she is sorry snd she is hurt....I just dont want her to get hurt again and frankly im worried about her...I love her...im ok with either ending but I need a shot at least. ..call me nutz....I dont wanna give up without a fight. ..that's just me

[grassisorisntgreener]

I can say this though...I did alota stupid things in the past 2 weeks...im all over the map emotionally. ..I begged...I got mad and called her a whore...I took all of her stuff and threw it on the front lawn along with a sign saying my wife had an affair.[/b]...I called her job...she she didn't get fired but will if I call again. ..told her I hope she dies of a terminal illness snd I wouldn't go to her funeral. ..told her I love her...texted EVERYONE LOL and said she had an affair...that one was on the second day after...I was hurting. ..you blame me?? Its just when I see the one I love doing this im shot. .I know she is sorry snd she is hurt....I just dont want her to get hurt again and frankly im worried about her...I love her...im ok with either ending but I need a shot at least. ..call me nutz....I dont wanna give up without a fight. ..that's just me

 

None of those things sound like a good idea if you want to try and make it work. And texting everyone makes you sound crazy. I don't think what she did was right...but do you want to be the guy who goes back to a cheater, when YOU are the one who told everyone she was cheating?? I am not saying your reactions are not justified...but they just don't seem like the actions of someone who wants to try and make a marriage work.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can say this though...I did alota stupid things in the past 2 weeks...im all over the map emotionally. ..I begged...I got mad and called her a whore...I took all of her stuff and threw it on the front lawn along with a sign saying my wife had an affair....I called her job...she she didn't get fired but will if I call again. ..told her I hope she dies of a terminal illness snd I wouldn't go to her funeral. ..told her I love her...texted EVERYONE LOL and said she had an affair...that one was on the second day after...I was hurting. ..you blame me?? Its just when I see the one I love doing this im shot. .I know she is sorry snd she is hurt....I just dont want her to get hurt again and frankly im worried about her...I love her...im ok with either ending but I need a shot at least. ..call me nutz....I dont wanna give up without a fight. ..that's just me

 

Well, that's quite a list.....

 

And honestly, I truly believe that the first week or so of affair discovery, especially in the way that you did, generally does not do us any favors. We tend to go right nuts. It's kind of normal. But now that you've caught up with it, stop. Quickly. It won't do any good.

 

If you are truly determined to save the marriage I suggest contacting Divorce Busters. They really helped me with mine and NO I don't work for them or do sales for them blah blah blah....

 

At least read Divorce Remedy.

 

The 180 really helped ME personally deal with the sh*tstorm and balance myself.

 

By the way, you will most likely lose a lot of weight and have trouble sleeping. And well, there's no need to recommend exposure to you. You seem to have covered your bases and then some. What about OM's wife? Does she know?

[GuyInLimbo]

None of those things sound like a good idea if you want to try and make it work. And texting everyone makes you sound crazy. I don't think what she did was right...but do you want to be the guy who goes back to a cheater, when YOU are the one who told everyone she was cheating?? I am not saying your reactions are not justified...but they just don't seem like the actions of someone who wants to try and make a marriage work.

 

I'll say the reactions were not justified whatsoever. This is a complete meltdown and this guy needs to get his sh*t together FAST. I've said the same thing before about men/women telling everyone under the sun that their spouse cheated. It's a terrible thing to do, just plain immature and trashy. You do NO GOOD for anyone involved by "spreading the news." In fact, you are making yourself look like a fool and, worst of all, you have now, inadvertently, tainted your children's lives. Now, everyone knows their mom's dirty laundry. And we all know how gossip spreads and how cruel kids can be to each other. Great job!

 

And what f'ing business is it of her work???? Why the hell would you do that?? It's NONE of their business and she does have a right to make a living. And, again, you get her fired, who's going to support the kids?

 

I realize none of this can be taken back. But you've done a lot of damage by carpet-bombing with your emotions that you clearly can't handle. Get into therapy immediately. You're only making this situation worse, dude. Stop acting like a child and be a man. You've taken an F1 tornado and turned it into an F5 for no good reason.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I'll say the reactions were not justified whatsoever. This is a complete meltdown and this guy needs to get his sh*t together FAST. I've said the same thing before about men/women telling everyone under the sun that their spouse cheated. It's a terrible thing to do, just plain immature and trashy. You do NO GOOD for anyone involved by "spreading the news." In fact, you are making yourself look like a fool and, worst of all, you have now, inadvertently, tainted your children's lives. Now, everyone knows their mom's dirty laundry. And we all know how gossip spreads and how cruel kids can be to each other. Great job!

 

And what f'ing business is it of her work???? Why the hell would you do that?? It's NONE of their business and she does have a right to make a living. And, again, you get her fired, who's going to support the kids?

 

I realize none of this can be taken back. But you've done a lot of damage by carpet-bombing with your emotions that you clearly can't handle. Get into therapy immediately. You're only making this situation worse, dude. Stop acting like a child and be a man. You've taken an F1 tornado and turned it into an F5 for no good reason.

 

Yes, agree completely. I guess I didn't mean justified..maybe more, I get that he wasn't in control of his emotions..??

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, agree completely. I guess I didn't mean justified..maybe more, I get that he wasn't in control of his emotions..??

 

Whereas he's done some pretty, well, thorough exposure.

 

I'm sorry but Lawn Sign (). I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, I've never heard that one before.....

 

I do agree that it isn't the Pizza Delivery guy's business etc. and that it isn't good for the kids.....

 

But it is ALSO the RISK one takes when they subvert their marriage. They take away their own power over their own dignity and hand it over to a spouse who may or may not even be stable. They take a risk at violence and even homicide (Infidelity is the #1 reason for homicide in America). It's just a horrible investment all around.

 

Now, we know that OP has some issues here, and has just had his world blow up as well. He does need to stop and get himself protected, support his kids emotionally and work on getting to a point of being okay, maybe not happy but okay.

 

And MOM's wife should know. If she doesn't already. If she didn't cruise the block in other words. Maybe he should've put the lawn sign on the guy's lawn (at 3:00 am with a bullet-proof vest).

[Magnumresearch]

Well I called her job because they gave her a a company phone n laptop and that was what she w as using to carry this affair out and not using her own....which she did and I knew. I am not unstable just thoroughly pissed...god was was watching over me that night cause I didn't have a weapon on me....I ALWAYS carry a gun. ..and that day I didn't. ..funny because if I did this thread probably would have never been been posted. But to be serious..I love my wife unconditionally because I was raised in a good home with good morals...hers was divorced and fed up by age 6... just saying...I love my kids and yes...did realize that telling everyone under the sun what happened may have not been been prudent. ..but damn does it make me feel good. ...oh and I forgot to nention the best part. ...your gonna love this...last Sunday we were talking in bed and I told her im not some doormat ( as a previous poster eluded to the fact that I was possibly an insecure weak man) and that I was over it and I wanted her to be happy. ..we hugged...it was nice...then I said im going to look around for someone because I was lonely...and guess what....lol she starts FLIPPING OUT and punching me SCREAMING at me to get the f out of her house ( it belongs to both of us) and she runs into the kitchen...I follow telling her are you crazy!?!? And then the worst thing happened yet...it told me how ****ed up and lost my wife was...she gravs the butcher block and pulls out the biggest butcher knife in there and points it at my chest....saying get the **** away from me....I gracefully bowed back...and called the state police...long story short. ..I could have had her arrested and put in jail. ..but I said forget it...now I fear for my children n me....what will be next? So you see...my actions aren't really actions of a man that is losing it...no my friend...im watching her make all the " right" moves. ...I want my wife to snap out of it but folks. ..my ducks HAVE been in a row...quack

[Magnumresearch]

Oh n yes...his wife knows...his mom his employer..lol

[worldgonewrong]

I think you need to end this marriage. Period.

She screws around on you, pulls a knife on you...I mean, you're expecting a nutjob to "snap out of it"?

[GuyInLimbo]

Well I called her job because they gave her a a company phone n laptop and that was what she w as using to carry this affair out and not using her own....which she did and I knew. I am not unstable just thoroughly pissed...god was was watching over me that night cause I didn't have a weapon on me....I ALWAYS carry a gun. ..and that day I didn't. ..funny because if I did this thread probably would have never been been posted. But to be serious..I love my wife unconditionally because I was raised in a good home with good morals...hers was divorced and fed up by age 6... just saying...I love my kids and yes...did realize that telling everyone under the sun what happened may have not been been prudent. ..but damn does it make me feel good. ...oh and I forgot to nention the best part. ...your gonna love this...last Sunday we were talking in bed and I told her im not some doormat ( as a previous poster eluded to the fact that I was possibly an insecure weak man) and that I was over it and I wanted her to be happy. ..we hugged...it was nice...then I said im going to look around for someone because I was lonely...and guess what....lol she starts FLIPPING OUT and punching me SCREAMING at me to get the f out of her house ( it belongs to both of us) and she runs into the kitchen...I follow telling her are you crazy!?!? And then the worst thing happened yet...it told me how ****ed up and lost my wife was...she gravs the butcher block and pulls out the biggest butcher knife in there and points it at my chest....saying get the **** away from me....I gracefully bowed back...and called the state police...long story short. ..I could have had her arrested and put in jail. ..but I said forget it...now I fear for my children n me....what will be next? So you see...my actions aren't really actions of a man that is losing it...no my friend...im watching her make all the " right" moves. ...I want my wife to snap out of it but folks. ..my ducks HAVE been in a row...quack

 

I'm tapping out of this. This situation is so immature and out of hand that I don't know what else to say here. I wish you lots of luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well I called her job because they gave her a a company phone n laptop and that was what she w as using to carry this affair out and not using her own....which she did and I knew. I am not unstable just thoroughly pissed...god was was watching over me that night cause I didn't have a weapon on me....I ALWAYS carry a gun. ..and that day I didn't. ..funny because if I did this thread probably would have never been been posted. But to be serious..I love my wife unconditionally because I was raised in a good home with good morals...hers was divorced and fed up by age 6... just saying...I love my kids and yes...did realize that telling everyone under the sun what happened may have not been been prudent. ..but damn does it make me feel good. ...oh and I forgot to nention the best part. ...your gonna love this...last Sunday we were talking in bed and I told her im not some doormat ( as a previous poster eluded to the fact that I was possibly an insecure weak man) and that I was over it and I wanted her to be happy. ..we hugged...it was nice...then I said im going to look around for someone because I was lonely...and guess what....lol she starts FLIPPING OUT and punching me SCREAMING at me to get the f out of her house ( it belongs to both of us) and she runs into the kitchen...I follow telling her are you crazy!?!? And then the worst thing happened yet...it told me how ****ed up and lost my wife was...she gravs the butcher block and pulls out the biggest butcher knife in there and points it at my chest....saying get the **** away from me....I gracefully bowed back...and called the state police...long story short. ..I could have had her arrested and put in jail. ..but I said forget it...now I fear for my children n me....what will be next? So you see...my actions aren't really actions of a man that is losing it...no my friend...im watching her make all the " right" moves. ...I want my wife to snap out of it but folks. ..my ducks HAVE been in a row...quack

 

Oh n yes...his wife knows...his mom his employer..lol

 

Well aren't you two quite the impulsive, reactive pair.

 

This is really toxic for your kids.

 

Separate seriously. Get yourself into anger management and counseling. Yes the anger and strikes back will give you a temporary surge of power.

 

But it DOES come at a really high cost for YOU and YOUR KIDS. You can't see it yet because you are on one of the coasting parts of the roller-coaster. You'll see it soon enough, and so will she. Plus it's cratering any sense of security your kids have.

 

At this point you aren't talking or doing anything constructive. You are competing to see who can thunk each other the worst. And abusing each other. In front of your kids.

 

You are awake now, You are aware of the affair, You had your moments of anger and vengeance. Now dial that sh*t down and deal with the hurt you've been avoiding by acting out. Deal with YOUR hurt. Let her chips fall whwere they may for now.

 

Do what you can to make things secure for your kids.

 

If this knife-thing with your wife was a crazy, escalating one-off just stop poking her. Yeah it was nuts, so is breaking into someone's house and so is the other guy pulling a rifle on you (Jeezus, Americans!). Someone is going to be seriously hurt (beyond emotionally) if you both don't stop this crap.

 

I can see why your marriage went crackers to begin with. Just. Stop. Before someone gets hurt or messed up or commits suicide or your kids are traumatized to the point where they end up smoking crack and ending up in juvenile detention.

 

Someone needs to be an adult here. I vote for you. You are already here.

 

So what do you need to do to calm down? You already proved you aren't your wife's bitc*, now what?

[Magnumresearch]

You are correct...my kids are priority #1 right now...heck we're here at the movies! Funny...the other day my wife was saying how she hates me and my petty life and that she can stand on her own 2 feet now...lol she doesn't even have enough money for a lawyer lol..and she is an RN..not standing on our own 2 feet now huh?...more like laying on your back lol..whats happening to this world!? Ill be ok...im just taking one day at a time..all my cards are in front of me. ..she's still playing 52 card pickup...

[dreamingoftigers]

You are correct...my kids are priority #1 right now...heck we're here at the movies! Funny...the other day my wife was saying how she hates me and my petty life and that she can stand on her own 2 feet now...lol she doesn't even have enough money for a lawyer lol..and she is an RN..not standing on our own 2 feet now huh?...more like laying on your back lol..whats happening to this world!? Ill be ok...im just taking one day at a time..all my cards are in front of me. ..she's still playing 52 card pickup...

 

The root of it all. Stop competing with her.

 

It isn't a competition. If you aren't on the same team, end the tournament or at least take a break from it.

 

Good for you taking care of your kids. They deserve it.

 

Now, you aren't sure if you want the marriage or not. She's a basket-case, whatever.

 

Don't think I don't get where you are coming from, I totally do and my husband and I had hugely explosive fights. In one I bit him and in another he bit me. I sh*t you not. BUT now that I've learned some other coping skills and we both had to attend domestic violence courses (14 weeks) because of that, UGH. And we hadn't had a history of it before his infidelity. Both incidents were when I caught him. Yes, I GET the rage and insanity.

 

However, you are doing damage by even keeping up the competition, it will spill out everywhere. You BOTH are in need of some conflict-management and assertion skills. Serious need. This divorce or not divorce or what have you is going to be so awful for both of you and the kids if it doesn't stop. And don't say you aren't fighting in front of the kids. BS. If your impulse-control is this low, and you both feel that entitled to your anger, you don't give a damn about if it's in front of the kids or not. We lost our daughter to foster-care for six months partially because of that. SIX MONTHS. The lawn sign alone would be enough grounds for "emotional damage" and a verifiable seizure. Calm the Eff down!

 

NOW, honestly, every time she throws the bait out, don't take it. Don't try to come off better. Don't say "because she A, I do B." Refuse to engage. Tell her if she wants the divorce that you won't stop her decision. Let her do what she is going to do. Tell her if she wants to see the OM, you aren't going to do anything to interfere with that either. Let her see what her choices get her.

 

You don't want her to stay with you only because you're hopping up and down mad. IF you even want her cheating self at this point, you want her because she knows she effed up and wants to make a marriage and family with you. You want her to see what she is missing. If all she sees is a boatload of conflict and a lawn sign...... well.... not too many people are going to miss that.

 

IF you don't want her, cut her loose. Call it a day. Finito. Vamousse. But if you cut her loose, you don't need to cut her down. If she thinks she's entitled to roll in the mud, you aren't going to "educate" her otherwise. She'll just resist it and come up with more reasons why she was justified in doing so in the first place. You still have to deal with her, and nothing is worse for kids than seeing Mom and Dad fight over who's going to pay for music lessons or "Dammit, Christmas is at my house this year you effing B." That's the stuff Sh*tty childhoods are made of.

 

Even if she is pushing the envelope right over a cliff..... give the kids one stable, caring adult that isn't forcing them explicitly or implicitly to choose loyalties.

 

You need another way to expel this anger. Pronto. Because you can't keep it in. You'll just explode. And bottle it up. And explode. And everytime she wants to push your buttons she'll know exactly where to hit, and you'll explode. And it will probably be documented. You might even lose visitation with your kids, period. My husband did, for two months. We have never even physically abused or disciplined our child. It CAN and DOES happen THAT fast!

 

Every time you feel that self-righteous throbbing, that need to explode and blow her back ten feet, get out of there. Go for a walk. A half-hour MINIMUM. If you have to do it six times a day, that's the way it is for awhile. You'll get in great shape too.

 

As soon as you stop focusing the rage on her, you'll see more clearly what you want to do with what you have. And it won't just be all about what she did. It's a toughie. It's not fun at all and no one should have to go through it. But you are going to need way more patience than this to pull through.

[burningashes]

Have you thought about what your living arrangements will be? What about financial arrangements? Seriously, get your things together especially now that things are out in the open.

 

Your wife should find her own living arrangements. It may be for the best until things simmer down and you have a better idea of what you want to do. Do the 180 and be firm, your wife isn't going to change at this rate because you've been giving her reasons to be unreceptive toward you.

 

Get IC as soon as you can, so you can work all the anger out and your counselor can provide you guidance through this nasty mess. Quit poking your wife too, or doing anything you know will make the situation explode in your face again. Doesn't matter whose fault it is, it still won't look good in front of a judge. Just remember, when you throw a rock, she can throw a few back at you!

[revitup]

Wow,that is a bad deal there David.I really appreciate your honesty,in what you did with the lawn sign and even the whole wacky phone call,busting her out to everybody stuff.It's just plain funny.I just always look at what's funny about stuff like this.....beats crying.

 

It won't get her back though!I personally would be glad if she did not come back (if it was me in your situation).You may believe you are not "complete" without this cheater,one day you will wake up and be glad she is gone

 

or.....sad that she came back.

 

I could never take her back after all of this.

 

REVITUP

[Simpleoldschool]

I read these posts over and over again. there is similarity in the stories. in the way the mans feels and what the wife is doing.

 

i read the initial post and not much of anything else so sorry for that. however i did see a post from one of the members stating she pulled a knife on you. that is a BIG BIG NO NO!

 

first if she did that snap into reality. if your wife killed you would she still be your wife? stupid question.

 

anyways this reminds me of that "jody arias" case or this is about how it must have started. not similar situation but similar feelings.

 

First realize your wife slept with another man. STOP!

 

do not be mad. do not be upset do not cry and do not do anything other than realize one thing you deserve better. second realize something else even at that point a marriage is repairable but the whole knife situation.

 

W

T

F

???????????

 

to be honest my friend, to couensel this i would have to know some answers to questions and then allll and i mean all the "whys".

 

first do you want to stay with your wife at this point? then the bigger question is why?

 

im actually going to wait for a response because anyone who pulled a knife of me id have serious qualms living with.

 

this i dont even feel comfortable couenseling because on one end its good to repair marriages but i cant couensel you to stay because your safety is a risk.