Second time separated, this one looks like the end

[Porridge]

Hi guys,

 

I wrote on here four years ago when my wife and I first separated (different username though). Things were difficult back then - she suffered post natal depression and started to act irrationally in all sorts of ways. After nine months apart she then appeared to calm down and gain perspective. We then agreed to try reconciling the relationship and succeeded, at least until now.

 

So a short introduction - the nine month separation aside, we've been together for nine years and married for six. We have two children, a seven year old boy with learning difficulties and behavioural issues, and a four year old daughter who is fit and well. Both are beautiful and my world, although life is a daily challenge with the eldest one!

 

When we reconciled our relationship back in 2010, there was still a lot of emotion to work on. I still loved her, I still found her attractive. Because of her sudden change of personality before separating, I refused to believe that she made a conscious decision to behave as she did, so put it down to Post Natal Depression. Since reconciling, we have moved house twice and generally settled down again. Life wasn't exciting by any means, but we cruised along comfortably and dealt with things as they came along.

 

Last October (2012), I received the unfortunate news that I was being made redundant. I left my employers and immediately identified it as a perfect opportunity to fulfill my life long dream - to run my own business. I worked with numerous people in setting this up and had some support from the wife in the early stages. What it ultimately meant though was that I was working from home and on very poor money. The wife did her part by taking on a part-time role caring for an elderly woman and has been doing this since.

 

I guess that this was a big change for us. Since we've been together, i'd always worked full-time and been out of the house from Monday to Friday 8am - 6pm. This left her to be a typical house mom, so me being around a lot and her suddenly working was a real change. However, she has really enjoyed looking after the woman and I have really enjoyed focusing on the business. The problem is, her work doesn't interest me and the business no longer interests her.

 

As well as living our days separately, the evenings and nights are every bit as bad. She's an avid television watcher and has full control of the remote. She likes her soap operas and plays episodes of a famous sci-fi series every night. This doesn't interest me at all. I choose to interact on the computer, reading football websites, news, exercise sites etc. Most evenings we barely communicate apart from asking if each other wants a cup of tea.

 

We sleep in separate rooms and have done for most of our relationship. The reason - she is a very loud snorer whilst I am a light sleeper! I'm also quite restless in bed and so sleeping together just doesn't work. She falls asleep very quickly, she starts snoring, I immediately have to get out and sleep somewhere else.

 

I guess it'd been coming for a while and i'd been ignoring it, but this weekend the wife announced that she was unhappy. She made it clear that she no longer feels that she loves me and feels that we've gone our separate ways. I agreed that we do not have a healthy relationship and we seem to want different things out of life. Five years ago we walked together, but now we tend to walk apart and have let things get to a point where we're just like roommates.

 

Here's the difference though. Despite agreeing that the relationship is in tatters, I believe that we owe it to the children to see if we can reconcile things. I cannot bear to see them suffer and truly believe that she will find life incredibly hard, whether that be on her own or with some OM, with our son being as demanding as he is. She, on the other hand, feels that the love it lost, it is irreparable, she does not want any form of counselling, and feels that it is best for everyone to go our separate ways. She also believes she will be a better, happier mother if she can concentrate on the children and not be dogged down by the problems of our relationship.

 

I can't work with someone who doesn't want to co-operate, nor do I feel anywhere near like begging for her back, so will just have to go with it. I have no money or great belongings to move out at the moment, so we've agreed to do things gradually to give the least level of disturbance to the children. In all honesty though? Even though it's friendly now, I give it days before we start falling out.

 

Anyway, I guess the point of my post is to ask if it's worth trying to persuade someone who 'doesn't love you anymore' to at least try to save the relationship? It just saddens me that this all fell out of the blue without any prior discussions or intent to work out our problems.

 

And the inevitable question of 'is there an OM'? Well, i'm almost certain there isn't. She works about three hours in the morning and comes straight home. She's barely ever away and always sleeps at home, so I don't believe that she would even have the opportunity to do so at the moment.

 

Thanks for reading. Even if this doesn't gather a great response, it helps just to write about it and start the process of moving on.

[Simpleoldschool]

there is one thing i notice about people. the more life offers thats the direction they head in.

 

they become disinterested because this new feeling is something they can feel. something they think they can identify with.

 

this statement and i quote " she says she feels that she no longer loves me and feels that we've gone our separate ways".

 

and then you add-in that you are a light sleeper and she is a snoorer.

 

guess what you both arent perfect. not a reason to fall out of love. Everyone and i guarentee everyone you wil ever be with you will have your fair share of problems. has she ever tried to get something that opens up her airway to be considerate of you? there are certain things people cant change but can do to make it more comfortable for another or for one another. thats called light-problem solving. sometimes i hear marital dillemas and i have to say any problem in a marriage is both peoples fault. No b'sing around that.

 

so she can take the shiny broom out her you know what. im not trying to be mean but i feel bad for you. that shes doing this.

 

second please re-read this.

 

"It just saddens me that this all fell out of the blue without any prior discussions or intent to work out our problems."

 

now here let me help

 

"It just saddens me that this all fell out of the blue without any prior discussions , or intent to work out our problems."

 

bud let me tell you something.

 

a women who is bored needs to do more in her life and not blame you for it. you're bored you watch tv. tell her she needs to stop being reliant on you for her happiness. SOMEONES HAPPINESS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

 

its astounding to see how little people know about love. Bud what that women is looking for doesnt exist. when shes 65 she will get it. well usually around 40 all the brick hitting they did against someone elses skull gives them a major wake up call, major. sometimes you have to assert yourself.

 

she doesnt even know how to work out problems she just recently figured out how to get a job. now she thinks all of a sudden shes got the golden altar. and let me tell you, be proud of yourself. you've been the one working and supporting her.

 

"she will find life incredibly hard, whether that be on her own or with some OM, with our son being as demanding as he is(thank GOD!)"

 

- good and let her. she choose that. not your problem BUT YOUR PEACE!

someone else wont be doing this to you. when you know what you are worth you know who to give yourself to. i could sit here all day telling you, life will be ok and guess what when you find that out it will be. and she will be somewhere else but you will be where you need to be with whom you need to be.

 

"I can't work with someone who doesn't want to co-operate, nor do I feel anywhere near like begging for her back, so will just have to go with it. I have no money or great belongings to move out at the moment, so we've agreed to do things gradually to give the least level of disturbance to the children. In all honesty though? Even though it's friendly now, I give it days before we start falling out."

 

let me tell you something if nothing else. I CAN HELP COACH YU legally to a pretty good extent. GET READY FOR IT! if you dont think shes been planning this what do you think shes been doing. first BRAVO! smart man.

 

 

Despite agreeing that the relationship is in tatters, I believe that we owe it to the children to see if we can reconcile things.

 

- you do, she doesnt care. GET FULL CUSTODY. i can tell you how. arrange your seperation agreement to include the following behavioural traits she expresses for court ammo. Then file a suit for unfit parent because you think its bad for your kids now. she will make them hate you so she doesnt have to feel guilty. women avoid guilt by doing things worse just to be vindicated.

 

any type of abusive language. any type of drug use or alchohal use that contributes to her behaviour. anything negative. Buddy this is war. and you NEED to win because shes out to get you. this is truly who you married. dont let her do it. take your life back and find a good women and take your kids because this women will destroy those little hearts and fill their hearts with whats in hers.

 

And the inevitable question of 'is there an OM'? Well, i'm almost certain there isn't. She works about three hours in the morning and comes straight home. She's barely ever away and always sleeps at home, so I don't believe that she would even have the opportunity to do so at the moment.

 

- first i am proud of you. i can see how much of a good man you are. you really care. but bud you can find someone who will also give that to you. truth is women find time for themselves. you wouldnt beilieve it. DONT HURT FOR SOMEONE LIKE THAT. hurt for your mom in the hospital, your dad your sister but not someone like this. your hurting because you want a good relationship, she doesnt care about relationships to begin with. HURT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE WHO LOVES YOU. and bud who cares about another man when you could be out with another women who laughs at your jokes. kisses you is polite is gentle with your heart your needs and who thinks about YOU while your at work. who has the house cleaned without complaint who was thoughtfull enough to iron your suit. thats a women who wants to be with you and is doing guess what " SHARING HERSELF WITH THE MAN SHE LOVES" not this women who thinks you need to slay a dragon and bring it home. laugh and the screw her over royally then laugh some more.

 

there are few women but they were made for men to love. they are waiting dont keep them by hanging onto this.

 

truth is the person you love you dont stop loving until you realize they dont give a damn about you. thats not what shes doing. i was there. i tried like you. thats her type it doesnt work. you call that "Gold digger" and you walk.

Edited May 21, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Porridge]

Thanks - I know your words are serious but they also made me smile.

 

Man, I've been screwed before and i'm not allowing myself to be shoved from pillar to post again. Here's some things I've done for her over the years we've been together:

 

1. Stood by her and supported her after taking overdoses on two separate occasions. Thankfully she appears to have matured a bit and hasn't done this for around six years now.

 

2. Gave support and understanding when she got in trouble with the law for making a false allegation of rape (at the very beginning of our relationship. The complaint wasn't against me, but a fictitious individual).

 

3. At least three mental breakdowns - two being from Post Natal Depression. I stood by her side and helped her through these.

 

4. Got her professional help and helped her through periods of self harming.

 

5. Tried to find a way out of the mountain of debt that she's accumulated by applying for various loans etc, sometimes being successful but with no intent of ever paying them back.

 

6. Made peace with a store when she took a brand new music player and paid with a duff check. They wanted the police involved, I managed to calm it and return the music player. No charges were brought.

 

7. She's suffered stress induced alopecia on two occasions (one time just 10 months ago) and has gone completely bald. Despite her complete lack of confidence, I helped her through it.

 

8. She's accumulated numerous goods over the years with various lies about how she obtained them, including that they were 'gifts from friends' or that she'd won them etc.

 

9. When we temporarily split last time, it came of no surprise that she started moving from man to man for a while. She then agreed to attempt baby steps at reconciliation (I didn't know what she was up to at the time), only to find another man in a different county and frequently run to his, leaving me with the children for periods without any knowledge of when she'll be coming home. I almost lost my job in this time.

 

10. Talking of jobs, her drama caused me to lose a job very early in our relationship. I didn't really like it but she really made it untenable.

 

11. Has a history of going online and flirting with men. Nothing over recent times but certainly did in the past. She did this a lot after the birth of our children.

 

12. She severely fractured her leg two years ago and ended up in a wheelchair and plaster for several months. Over that time I took her everywhere, cared for her, even had to empty the commode several times per day as she couldn't get up the stairs.

 

13. She ended up with pneumonia whilst seeing the bloke in the other county. I went to see her, the OM didn't. Then when she got out, she was straight round his again.

 

A lot of this happened years ago and she has matured somewhat, but there is still tendencies to lie and act incredibly selfishly.

 

I needed to write this because I am SO F****** ANGRY! Last time we split I was refusing to believe it, hoping, pleading, bargaining. Not this damn time, I have supported this pathetic excuse of a woman for far too long. I find one thing..ONE THING...that actually makes me happy and motivates me for the first time in ages, and she distances herself because it's not about her.

 

She's turned into a fat, lazy, lying piece of s***. I work hard, I love my kids dearly, I work out daily, i'm not an egotistical guy by any stretch of the imagination but i'm going to have my moment here - i'm not a bad catch and won't struggle to find someone better.

 

Every time I feel sad (not living with the kids is going to kill me), i'm going to read these points back and see what a a-hole this woman is. All I've done for her over the years, and not one moment of support in return.

 

Bring it on b****. Bring it on..........

[revitup]

Porridge,you are already in posession of all that you need to know and do!!!

 

I wish I could say I was as wise on the second go-round......it took number 3 for me to wise up!

 

Carry on

 

REVITUP