Boyfriend of 8 months ignoring me after a fight

[katie157]

My boyfriend of 8 months is completely ignoring me. It's been 5 days with no contact.

 

We got into a stupid fight about him always wanting to do things on his schedule and being inconsiderate towards me. I was trying to have a conversation but he blew up, got really defensive, and went on the attack. I asked if we could cool down and talk about it and he told me to get out of the car (we were in front of my building), and he'd cool down alone. He text me an hour later asking if I'd be OK getting to bed? (I guess that meant if I was ok). I text back "yes" and left it at that (meaning I'm OK, not a big deal).

 

I didn't hear from him the next day and decided not to reach out since he needed time to cool off. The following day I sent a short funny email saying I hate fighting about something so stupid. Heard nothing back. I let another day pass, then text him the following day saying I'm sorry and I miss you. Nothing. I called later that night and he didn't pick up, so I left a message saying I haven't heard from you so I wanted to make sure you're OK, please call or shoot me a text. Nothing.

 

Our fight happened Wednesday night, it's now Monday. We've never gone this long without talking. I'm of course, panicking and thinking he's done. I know I need to not contact him anymore and leave him be.

 

How long should I wait before assuming we're done and this is his way of breaking up with me? Should I contact him again in a week or so?

 

We've been getting along better than ever recently. Just last week he told me I'm not just his girlfriend, I'm his future and he's the luckiest guy in the world. I can't believe he'd walk away from me over one fight but he's stubborn and hates conflict. We're 28 and 31 if that matters.

 

Help!

[Zahara]

How much more goading would you like to do? He's ignored you for days even after you've attempted to reach him. He's sending you a message. Get it.

 

You assume you are done because if silence means 1) he is punishing you or 2) ending with you = either way you are better off. Unless he's fallen and can't get up, there is no reason to ignore "his future".

 

Please don't reach out anymore.

[crederer]

Probably should just send him an e-mail stating that this relationship is obviously over. Don't expect a response but if he wants to fix things that'd be a big kick in the pants for him.

[Chi townD]

Well, first thing. Stop chasing him. That's what he wants you to do. He likes the fact that you're losing your mind over this and he's enjoying the one-sided attention. It's kinda a perverse punishment for you. So......stop all communication with him. Let him wonder where YOU went.

 

And to be honest, if he is walking away from this and this is the childish manner on how he wants to handle things, then you're better off without him.

 

So, start living your life as if he isn't coming back (Not what you wanted to hear). Who knows, he might be playing games with you or he might not. But, the world doesn't revolve around his ass. So, as hard as it may seem, you've reached out to him on several occasions with nothing in return; just assume it's over.

[katie157]

Thanks everyone! I definitely don't want to think it's over, and all my friends kept giving me the advice to reach out, apologize, etc.. but im done reaching out. Obviously he's a child. I'm going to try my best to proceed like we're done and see what happens. It'd be nice to have a conversation and some closure, but I can't force him to talk to me. And I know I deserve better...or at least someone willing to communicate!

[AlexDP]

My boyfriend of 8 months is completely ignoring me. It's been 5 days with no contact.

 

We got into a stupid fight about him always wanting to do things on his schedule and being inconsiderate towards me. I was trying to have a conversation but he blew up, got really defensive, and went on the attack. I asked if we could cool down and talk about it and he told me to get out of the car (we were in front of my building), and he'd cool down alone. He text me an hour later asking if I'd be OK getting to bed? (I guess that meant if I was ok). I text back "yes" and left it at that (meaning I'm OK, not a big deal).

 

I didn't hear from him the next day and decided not to reach out since he needed time to cool off. The following day I sent a short funny email saying I hate fighting about something so stupid. Heard nothing back. I let another day pass, then text him the following day saying I'm sorry and I miss you. Nothing. I called later that night and he didn't pick up, so I left a message saying I haven't heard from you so I wanted to make sure you're OK, please call or shoot me a text. Nothing.

 

Our fight happened Wednesday night, it's now Monday. We've never gone this long without talking. I'm of course, panicking and thinking he's done. I know I need to not contact him anymore and leave him be.

 

How long should I wait before assuming we're done and this is his way of breaking up with me? Should I contact him again in a week or so?

 

We've been getting along better than ever recently. Just last week he told me I'm not just his girlfriend, I'm his future and he's the luckiest guy in the world. I can't believe he'd walk away from me over one fight but he's stubborn and hates conflict. We're 28 and 31 if that matters.

 

Help!

 

 

Ignoring you is not cool. Dump him. It's abusive behaviour and quite frankly I think it's one of the worst things one can do in a relationship.

[Chi townD]

There ya go! Don't stop living just because he's acting like an asshat!

 

Go out with friends, have a good time. Is it going to be tough without him around? Yep! I'm not gonna lie. But, when you get to those low points, post here. People will be here to walk you through the tough times.

[LilySun]

Probably should just send him an e-mail stating that this relationship is obviously over. Don't expect a response but if he wants to fix things that'd be a big kick in the pants for him.

 

I did this once and it was a mistake. An ex of mine wouldn't talk to me or tell me what his deal was, so I broke up with him figuring exa tly what you said. Then he acted very surprised and hurt, and wouldn't take me back. So I think the OP should just not say anything and if he doesn't call, that stinks but I think he will.

[aisuru]

It's a selfish manipulative tactic and wouldn't fly in my relationship. One day to cool off is understandable and acceptable. Almost a week that overlaps a week? NO way.

 

I would block him out of spite. At least I like to hope I would.

[KraftDinner]

Ignoring you is not cool. Dump him. It's abusive behaviour and quite frankly I think it's one of the worst things one can do in a relationship.

 

I agree...it is abusive, totally. He's likely trying to turn this around to making you beg or something, knowing full well that he's the one who lost his **** unnecessarily.

 

Question: have you found that he doesn't like to admit when he's wrong?

 

You need this guy out of your life. Five days? Even if he is totally done with you, what a classless turd for not having the balls to say it to you.

 

Do the right thing, op. Do not let him back in your life even if he begs.

[siankat]

Are you sure he is ok and not unwell or something? I can't believe no one is asking this and just saying the usual 'boo..bad guy boo..' routine!!

 

Once you have ascertained he is still alive and kicking...leave him be to contact you first.

[katie157]

i know he's ok cause i saw him sign into gchat today I was worried about him but now i know he's fine and just ignoring me.

 

He does have trouble accepting when he's wrong. Our only other big fight was over him being a jerk and he ran away. Like literally in the middle of the street, walked away from me. The next night i text him and said that was crappy. He responded that he was sorry and shouldn't have walked away.

 

I figured that's what would happen this time too, but i guess not.

 

It's definitely selfish and manipulative. I'm so confused and heart broken. I know in my head now he's a complete jerk, but my heart is totally broken. I just never imagined him walking out of my life. I feel like im in the twilight zone!

 

But I'm sticking to my guns and not contacting him anymore. it's on him

[siankat]

good for you hun because if there is any future in this then he needs to know boundaries...as you do not want this happening every time something goes wrong. Also on a more serious note, how could you imagine a future with him, a future that involves bigger stresses of children and financial security and that you HAVE to work things out and running away is not really a viable option...just a point to consider.

[katie157]

He text last night "you around?" i told him "hey I'm out with friends" and he never responded. wtf? I don't get it! I was happy he finally made contact but that was it, no lets talk, sorry, nothing! i text later saying "going to bed. hopefully we can talk tomorrow" of course, no response. I'm trying to be an adult and resolve this one way or the other but im at a loss

[Chi townD]

Back to NC. He started to notice that you weren't feeding his ego. He pulled on the dog leash to see if the dog was still there. Dog Barked! (not calling you a dog per se; just a metaphor).

 

 

Next time he pulls on the leash. DON'T RESPOND!!!!

[KatZee]

He sounds a Bit like my ex.

 

Self absorbed, manipulative, a coward. My ex and I never really had fights. I'm not the naggy type of girlfriend but arguments we did have were based on his behaviors, him being completely ambivalent to me, him disregarding my feelings, him always putting me last in his life, allowing his friends to disrespect me right to my face.

 

If I ever went to him saying "hey you hurt me" or "what you did made me feel bad" or "how can you allow your friends to treat me the way you do?" He would just blow up, tell me I was either exaggerating or starting a fight for no reason, he would then ice me out and ignore me for days.

 

It's a cowardly and passive aggressive move and from the first day he ever did that to me, I never indulged him by chasing or begging or contacting. I would just wait it out and wait for him to come out of his cave.

 

It got old real fast because he would come back days later acting as if NOTHING happened. (Same as yours..."you around?" WTH?!?) we never got through problems. We never fixed anything. He never addressed issues. And he kept playing this game time and time again. There was zero communication on his end.

 

I spent 3 years like this and I can't tell you how much it wore me down. What was I going to do or say next to piss him off and make him ignore me? I became a shell of myself. Insecure, paranoid, self conscious. I was walking on eggshells always.

 

After we broke up I actually read a lot about his behavior in the book: "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl."

 

Turns out his behavior of going cold and then coming back as if nothing happened is actually known as "hitting the reset button." Guys who aren't emotionally mature or who are unavailable get uncomfortable when their relationship seems to be progressing and moving forward. They'll pull back, leave you scratching your head, and he'll come back and pick up right where you left off before he started ignoring you. He's essentially pushed "reset" to start over where they're comfortable. If you start moving forward, he'll pull back, and he'll pull you back to where he wants you.

 

I'm not sure what the rest of your relationship is like but it's worth a read. My ex ticked all the boxes for being an emotionally unavailable person. I was nodding my head on every page. If this is your bf, run, and run now. These people can't be changed.

Edited May 21, 2013 by KatZee

[katie157]

Wow KatZee, you really hit the nail on the head! This sounds like him to a T. I've even told people he's in his cave brooding and i guess i have to wait for him to come out. It's so infuriating, but I'm starting to get that this is who he is and how he deals with conflict. There's no changing it.

 

So I either have to accept it or move on. He's not emotionally mature. He's hitting the reset button because he got uncomfortable that I expected something from him. He doesn't care about my feelings or how hurt I am.

 

I'm going to cease contact and try my best to move forward. If he wants to talk about it fine, but I've reached out enough and can't spend 24/7 waiting for him to call. It's rough but it's his issue, not mine.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to read that book

[marigo]

Wow KatZee and Katie, are we talking about the same guy? I am going through the exact same thing right now. We dated for 6 months back then and then we broke up. We didnt talk for a couple of months then he came back. We've been talking for about 8 months now and things are fine. Obviously we started talking like nothing happened. We never really talked about our status but i know he still didnt want a relationship so I didnt push it. Anyway, i noticed 2 weeks ago he started distancing himself so then I get anxiety attack and would send him another message because i know he'll respond. We talked about whats wrong and he said nothing's wrong and it improved. This past weekend he was doing that again until i finally asked him again and this time he told me we were just friends and nothing was going on between us. I so badly want to talk to him and apologize for pushing things. Im so angry at myself for acting emotional and affectionate when he clearly didnt want a relationship. Im pretty much blaming myself for everything that's happened. He stopped responding to me and as much as i want to go back to my old routine of sending him more than one message, i know i cant do it this time.

 

I also feel like i cannot talk to him because the moment i express my feelings or how he's hurting me. He shuts down. Ive been unhappy because i feel like i cannot talk to him about anything atleast anything involving my feelings.

 

I know its hard girl. Trust me, ive felt so empty these days, even my patients at work are asking me if Im okay. But you gotta think that if you send him a message and you dont get a respond, you're gonna end up hurting more. I feel like a hypocrite because i want to send another message myself but i keep thinking to myself if he doesnt respond, id fall apart all over again. As hard as it is, i think you will truly realize your importance to him if he makes an effort. If not, i know it's hard not to have closure, but you have to let it go. You have to let go at some point.

 

I did just buy that book sometime last week and it hasn't arrived yet.

Edited May 23, 2013 by marigo

[lop98]

That's basically how my ex dumped me. Pulled the ignoring punishment for a week, then resurfaced just to throw a bunch of insults and when I cried he laughed (in rage, but still laughed anyway), disappeared again, I ignored him, then he begged for days, I told him it was over, then begged myself... we tried to fix it for the next two weeks but it was so awkward and just awful. He's only going to drag you down in the mud, get out of it clean while you still have the chance.

[tbf]

katie, consider this relationship done. No more attempts to contact. No more responding if he contacts. Don't email him with a break up. Radio silence and move on.

[aisuru]

katie, consider this relationship done. No more attempts to contact. No more responding if he contacts. Don't email him with a break up. Radio silence and move on.

 

Yep. He obviously has NO respect for you. Grrr, makes me angry on your behalf.