Can a clean break be possible?

[thedills05]

After a rather sleepless night, I now realise why staying in touch is not a good thing. I feel like it all happened yesterday. I'm going to go for the number change and proper NC this time. Why did I not listen to you guys?!:-S

[TaraMaiden]

I dunno....

 

Is this a quiz?

 

What's the star prize?

 

Tell you what: As penance, every time you see a post from someone criticising, questioning or intent on breaking NC - point them to my signature.

Wade in and tell them they're playing with fire and simply re-opening the wound, wide open....

 

Don't wear sackcloth and ashes over this.

It's a stumble.

 

And you stubbed your toe, real bad. Man it hurts.

 

But just take little steps, and just keep going.

 

Yeah. Change your number.

 

I don't have twitter.

I have 17 friends on FB.

 

Nip, tuck, trim, get rid of what you don't need.

 

Grain and chaff, ok?

Edited June 11, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[thedills05]

Thanks Tara. I have printed a copy of your NC guide. I wish I'd thought to read through that before yesterdays lapse haha! I feel ok again now, was only a minor setback.

[thedills05]

So, it's been nearly 9 weeks now. Bar brief contact last week where I received a birthday present and several missed calls I've had no contact.

 

I feel alright with things and am getting on, randomly though I've had quite a few dreams about her (I never dream) and quite a few sleepless nights!

 

Is this typical? I'm really looking forward to getting to a point where she is not on my mind every morning I wake!

[flitzanu]

So, it's been nearly 9 weeks now. Bar brief contact last week where I received a birthday present and several missed calls I've had no contact.

 

I feel alright with things and am getting on, randomly though I've had quite a few dreams about her (I never dream) and quite a few sleepless nights!

 

Is this typical? I'm really looking forward to getting to a point where she is not on my mind every morning I wake!

 

i dreamt of my ex literally every night for 3 months after our breakup. so...yes, that's quite typical. and yes, after MUCH MORE TIME, you will wake up not thinking about her.

 

(ps - technically you dream every night, you just don't remember)

[thedills05]

:-S much more time - fantastic! I don't know why it's getting to me so much at this point! Have genuine NC now including not checking twitter etc and I just can't get her out of my mind!!

 

I'm doing all the good stuff; keeping busy, spending time with mates and even dating but I just can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of her and wondering what she's up to!

[TaraMaiden]

You're 'snowballing'.

 

Get a rubber band.

[thedills05]

As ever, thanks Tara!

 

Got a solitary call from her last night which I didn't answer. Think it may be a dying attempt by her at establishing contact again.

[thedills05]

... And now an SMS - " XXXXX is working in XXXXXX - said he thought he was going to get stabbed in Costa haha. Sounds like the place hasn't improved! Tried giving you a call yesterday to see how life is but guess you're busy. Hope all is well anyway Would be nice to hear from you, if you get a free minute x".

 

Why on Earth?!

[TaraMaiden]

There are text and call blocker apps available.

If you really can't or won't change your number, try one of those.

I have a business phone and I receive a lot of calls from people trying to sell me stuff (business plans, insurance, pension schemes, savings schemes, all that baloney...) Once I know what their number is, it's the easiest thing in the world to block it.

 

In the meantime, send her this reply:

 

Text/Call Blocker activated. Your message was not accepted. Further attempts will result in this service being charged to your account.

[thedills05]

Haha, you're proper hard ass Tara - I like it.

 

At long last I can see why too, I should've gone NC from the start. I really didn't want to at first as I had delusions that I wanted her back etc. The truth is, the moment she did what she did, everything we had was lost. Silly girl. I shall be using that reply next time I hear from her!

[thedills05]

I received another text today...

 

Around a week ago I changed my twitter username in the hope the ex would no longer be able to check up on me. Today she text me to say she saw I was going to Ibiza with a friend (I posted on twitter). She must've gone to the lengths of finding me again!

 

 

She didn't ask any questions, just gave a few ideas as to where we should go (she's been before). Obviously I've not replied.

 

 

I do not feel the need to reply and have got over the temporary downer I found myself in last week. I would like to know what everyone's thoughts are on her reasonings for doing this?! It doesn't really make sense! I've not contacted her (bar a thank you for a bday present) for weeks!

 

 

At this point I don't feel the need to even send the 'text blocker text', just intrigued to see what you guys think!

[BB21]

Plain and simple, you're over, but she still finds it difficult to accept you're completely gone.

 

These texts off her are such feeble attempts at starting a conversation, or enabling her to hear from you.

 

Stay strong, you've come this far, you don't need to have a chat about a coffee shop, you don't need to chat about your holiday.

[TaraMaiden]

If you answer her, it means she still gets a rise out of you.

If she can still get a rise out of you, it means you still have feelings.

If you still have feelings, it must mean you're still thinking of her.

If you're still thinking of her - well, there's her 'Ego-Feed, right there.....

[thedills05]

Yeah, I was tempted to respond with a f#%k you, but even that is more effort than she deserves.

 

I'm beginning to find the whole situation rather amusing now :-)!

[thedills05]

So, Woken up by a blocked call at 11.30pm. I wonder who that was... :-D!

[thedills05]

Soooo,

 

Upon returning from holiday, the ex has gone overboard with contact. A text the last day of hol - "Are you really going to never talk to me again, I take it a Coffee is off the cards" - Ignored.

 

An email along the same lines, then another email saying "Are you really going to ignore me forever?", then a text later that day saying she'd really like to go for a drink at some point. Aaaaaand finally, a call at 3am this morn. All ignored.

 

The best bit of all this is I do not give a damn. I've met so many fun people and had SUCH a good time since we've broken up, I have no desire to be sucked back into her web again EVER.

 

Maybe one day I'll give her a call to thank her for putting me in the situation I now find myself but for now, she can come to terms with the reality of her shi*$y decisions a few months ago.

 

WHEN IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER.

[TaraMaiden]

Mah heart is jes' burstin' with prahde!

 

[thedills05]

Hi guys, it's been a while!

 

I'll try and cut a long story short.

 

 

Ex goes o Thailand with new guy for 10 days. After 2 days she starts sending texts saying she misses me and can't bear being 3000 miles from me. After a few more days she says they've gone their separate ways.

 

 

She's still in Thailand and says she will do anything to have me back. She can't believe she messed everything up for that guy and it was all a horrible mistake.

 

 

She has basically also said she wants to be with me forever and is prepared to do everything it takes.

 

 

I'm inclined to take this all with a pinch of salt? She's got two years of uni left and I can't help but think this'll happen all over. Shall I just cut ties for good or hear what she has to say in person when she's back?

 

 

I am in a good place and 90% over it all bit still remember the good times so can't help but wonder of we could go back to those?

[TaraMaiden]

Give yourself the time to digest what has happened.

Remember, she's now slept with someone else...

 

"Tried that, wasn't keen...."

 

How do you feel, in your gut, about trying this again?

You've already expressed some misgivings....

An adage that has always - BUT ALWAYS - worked well for me, is:

 

"If it feels good, then do it.

When in doubt: Don't."

 

You don't ever want to leave yourself vulnerable to being hurt in the same way again, particularly by being winched in by the same person.

 

When she gets back, no matter what she's SAID: What do her ACTIONS indicate?

 

Remember: If she expects you to just roll over like a puppy and accept her back without question, then alarm bells should ring.

 

You have every right to ask her what she intends to do to make you trust her again, and ask her how she feels she can do that?

The work is on her, to do.

Not you.

[thedills05]

Hi guys, its been a long time since I have found myself on here!!! I couldn't decide whether to put this in a new thread or here. I think its best to have the background to this one though (if you can bare to read through it all).

 

First of all, my girlfriend and I finally decided to give things a go again in October last year. She came back to me after I had all but given up. She basically begged in the end. I was cautious at first and keen not to dive back in. She went out of her way to make me feel 'safe' in the relationship and was conscious of always maintaining contacting when we were apart. We did have a lot of arguments about things that went on during the 4 months apart and the events that led to our break up but on the whole things have been good. All good now you may think? Well, no.

 

Its hard for me to put all of this down coherently...!

 

Basically, until a few weeks ago, she was talking marriage when she finishes uni and moving in together. The whole 9 yards. There is a 7year gap between us (she is 21, im 28). She still has another year of uni to go.

 

In the last few weeks though she has become a little distant again. Saying that I am becoming clingy and 'suffocating her'. She says she feels a little trapped. The trouble is, the more distant she gets, the clingier I get.

 

Things all came to a head this week when she said, whilst she still wants to be together, she wants to slow things down several notches. I found this hard to take, one min she wants to be together, get married and start a life together, the next she wants to slow things down.

 

This is similar to the events that led to the last breakup. I have given her space since she requested it. She has continued to text (less than usual) and call on a daily basis. I have not mentioned the 'slow down' conversation since. She still says she loves me very much and has also been concerned that i will break things off.

 

I have had time to reflect on this the last few days and realise that I have been a bit full on and that I was very full on towards the end last time. I have been getting angry at her when I dont hear from her for more than a few hours and can see how this may be dragging her down.

 

I can now recognise that I do become a little full on when things go slightly wrong with us. This is only made harder after the cheating episode. I hsve forgiven her though and (whilst I havent told her) I know that the things that happened last year more than likely wouldnt have, had I kept myself together and not behaved the way I did.

 

She finishes for the summer in 4 weeks. Once her term is over and she is back, she tends to be more involved in the relationship again. I do think that the stresses of work at uni and feeling like she needs to make the most of her time with friends when there, whilst also seeing me can get on top of her.

 

I appreciate that a lot of you will simply say let it go and move on now, but I really dont want that to happen. We have been together nearly 5 years and when we are working fine, everything is perfect. She is very attentive and caring. We do get on well.

 

My concern is, now I am trying to chill out and be less 'full on', will she find a way back to those feelings she expressed a little while ago? i.e. wanting marriage and getting a place together when uni is over. Or am I flogging a dead horse? Deep down I think she will become content again and want these things... She did come running back to me last summer after all.

 

Please do remember that we have in no way broken up this time and she is very keen for that not to happen after we broke up last time.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read guys.

[BC1980]

If she was talking about marriage and moving in together, of course you are going to be confused when she back tracks. It makes sense that you would be nervous and possibly act clingy. She has given you good reason to distrust her.

 

My take is this: she's not entirely sure what she wants, but she doesn't want to loose you for good. If you are okay with those terms, then it works. It's a bit selfish on her part, and I don't think these terms are okay with you. I think you are staying because you are hoping and investing in the potential of marriage or a permanent future one day. It's a big gamble given her history and what is probably just the way she is. It's your gamble to take, but you need to go into it knowing that her mind apparently changes rather quickly.

[jbelle6]

See, this is why I won't ever take the ex back.

It sounds exhausting. Do you want to have to go through this every year? I think you are blaming yourself too much, she liked your behavior just fine and now she's less into it. You went full on after she grew distant so your behavior did not cause her distance.

 

Do you know that she didn't cheat with the guy last year? Could someone be in the picture again?

 

I want a relationship where I don't always have to strategize to keep them and can just be myself. Don't you?

[thedills05]

Thanks for the replies guys! It is exhausting. To clarify, she did cheat last time, kissed the guy she ended up with on a night out then phoned to tell me the following morning. She basically used that as a way to break up as she could see no other way. I am 99% sure that there is nobody in the frame again on this one. She is very aware of the pain caused last time and I like to think, given that she told me straight away last time, this is not the case.

 

The only reason I gave it a go again was her insistence that "forever didnt scare her anymore".

 

She is still insistent that she wants to be together long term, however doesn't want to be tied down to a 'pre-planned life' so young and that we have "forever to settle down". I did highlight to her that she was the driver for all these things up until recently and that I was never the one to bring up any of this. All she could offer was a "sorry, I don't know why my thoughts have changed".

 

Had she not have brought this things up previously only to go back on them in the last few weeks, I don't think I would be having such a hard time with it. I mean, slowing things down is ultimately a step back and not something you should really be doing after nearly 5 years together, should everything be fine with the relationship.

 

You are right, it is exhausting. When things are fine between us, it is effortless and easy. This episode is just very unnecessary, all it does is cause sleepless nights (for me) and pointless arguments, with me wanting to know why on earth things have changed. If she took a moment to think back to what life was like without me last year; how after the breakup really dawned on her, she was unable to get out of bed due to sadness for weeks and how she ultimately did everything in her power to win me back, maybe she wouldn't be so quick to be having another cold phase.

 

In a way, the easy option for me right now does feel like saying once and for all, we gave it our best shot, now lets call it quits. The difficulty is, I am pretty sure when she is out of the university environment again in just a few weeks time, everything will be good again. My plan for now is to put a brave face on and act unphased by this current episode. I have a holiday with friends in a weeks time which I have to look forward to and will use that time to have a long hard think about what I want to happen with this.

 

Perhaps the time away with my friends will also give her some time for reflection!

Edited June 2, 2014 by thedills05

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hi guys, its been a long time since I have found myself on here!!! I couldn't decide whether to put this in a new thread or here. I think its best to have the background to this one though (if you can bare to read through it all).

 

First of all, my girlfriend and I finally decided to give things a go again in October last year. She came back to me after I had all but given up. She basically begged in the end. I was cautious at first and keen not to dive back in. She went out of her way to make me feel 'safe' in the relationship and was conscious of always maintaining contacting when we were apart. We did have a lot of arguments about things that went on during the 4 months apart and the events that led to our break up but on the whole things have been good. All good now you may think? Well, no.

 

Its hard for me to put all of this down coherently...!

 

Basically, until a few weeks ago, she was talking marriage when she finishes uni and moving in together. The whole 9 yards. There is a 7year gap between us (she is 21, im 28). She still has another year of uni to go.

 

In the last few weeks though she has become a little distant again. Saying that I am becoming clingy and 'suffocating her'. She says she feels a little trapped. The trouble is, the more distant she gets, the clingier I get.

 

Things all came to a head this week when she said, whilst she still wants to be together, she wants to slow things down several notches. I found this hard to take, one min she wants to be together, get married and start a life together, the next she wants to slow things down.

 

This is similar to the events that led to the last breakup. I have given her space since she requested it. She has continued to text (less than usual) and call on a daily basis. I have not mentioned the 'slow down' conversation since. She still says she loves me very much and has also been concerned that i will break things off.

 

I have had time to reflect on this the last few days and realise that I have been a bit full on and that I was very full on towards the end last time. I have been getting angry at her when I dont hear from her for more than a few hours and can see how this may be dragging her down.

 

I can now recognise that I do become a little full on when things go slightly wrong with us. This is only made harder after the cheating episode. I hsve forgiven her though and (whilst I havent told her) I know that the things that happened last year more than likely wouldnt have, had I kept myself together and not behaved the way I did.

 

She finishes for the summer in 4 weeks. Once her term is over and she is back, she tends to be more involved in the relationship again. I do think that the stresses of work at uni and feeling like she needs to make the most of her time with friends when there, whilst also seeing me can get on top of her.

 

I appreciate that a lot of you will simply say let it go and move on now, but I really dont want that to happen. We have been together nearly 5 years and when we are working fine, everything is perfect. She is very attentive and caring. We do get on well.

 

My concern is, now I am trying to chill out and be less 'full on', will she find a way back to those feelings she expressed a little while ago? i.e. wanting marriage and getting a place together when uni is over. Or am I flogging a dead horse? Deep down I think she will become content again and want these things... She did come running back to me last summer after all.

 

Please do remember that we have in no way broken up this time and she is very keen for that not to happen after we broke up last time.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read guys.

 

After reading all of the thread from last year (again, I remember reading it live) and now where you are now...I have to ask:

 

WHAT THE F(%*$*^##)(^)#^

 

You were SO in on the "I'm so happy that I've moved on" talk and then "Well, I took her back" and now the "Well, same stuff is happening"

 

It sucks to read honestly.....there are three key factors here:

 

1. Age

2. Maturity

3. Gaps in Life/experiences

 

She is 21. She has different set of ideas and life plans. At 21, there are SOOOO few who are ready to settle down, marry and possibly start a family. They can talk about it all they want, but when it comes down to it, most are NOT ready at that time. They want to explore the world, do stupid early twenties activities, etc. She seems like that right now.

 

The maturity level on her is low. While she might seem more mature to you since you've been with her "five years", it just is. Not a personal knock on her, just saying most at that age arent there yet. Its an age thing..

 

Which brings me to gaps in life. Right now, you are 28...same age as me. Right now, I welcome the idea of marriage/starting a family/etc...as I'm sure you are feeling that as well. Hell, most do around then. At 21, the LAST thing on my mind was trying to settle down. Not at ALL. I wanted to drink, play games with my friends, and do whatever the hell I wanted. In fact, I was dating a girl at that time who wanted all of that (marriage, kids, etc) I didnt like it or want that....and I ended up breaking up with her when I was 23. Wasnt the right time. Today. she is now married and has two kids. I'm happy for her, but my god I did NOT want that then. Seems like your girl is in that same boat. Different parts in life you guys live.

 

Will this lead to yet another breakup? I dont know.... If I was a betting man, I can bet you right now that she is considering leaving, but is scared to leave the security blanket (you). You've been around for so long and the world is a very scary place right now. She is probably close to graduating, has friends who are doing their stuff, and she is WANTING to venture out but is scared to. You have become the nest. You said she gets closer when she leaves Uni....then what happens? She probably gets a tad colder again when she leaves. The "future plans" become more muddy and the arguments get longer.

 

Sadly, I dont think enough time passed between your last breakup and when you guys got back together. Most reconciliations (successful ones) happen when enough time has passed and both parties become different people and have different perspectives on life. She broke up, then didnt have much to turn to, got super lonely and scared...so she begged for you back. Now that things are becoming routine again, and the arguments are picking up, its going right back. I'm not saying break up with her.....but you REALLY need to look at this at face value here. I'm not saying I'm always right, but I have such a bad feeling leading up to this. I've seen it too many times.....hell, it happened to me before too both as the dumpee and the dumper.