Rose411 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) I've always been the victim, and that wasn't perceived. I'm the black sheep of the family, my father abused me, and I've picked many bad relationships. My ex and I are on our second chance, and he has truly changed. We have a child together, so it's been very exciting. However, there is this block there, and it's usually in my face when I'm suffering with PMDD, which is PMS times ten. Sometimes I feel that if the BF is short or snippy, I just walk away. But if he is rude to me and I say something, he gives an attitude back. When trying to speak to him, the BF actually feels very confused and thinks I'm being oversensitive and creating problems. So maybe in reality he's really not as short and snippy as I think. Maybe I'm thinking up problems because my whole Life I've been dealing with broken people and it's hard to accept that I actually have a good guy. I do see though my issues. I want to shed this victim role and become more easygoing. During the month issues feels like just a needle prick, it's so easy to deal with whatever comes my way. But once PMDD hits the slightest thing is like a knife in my heart. I know my BF has done a LOT of changing, and I think we both can have a tendency to be impatient but he's become very loving and kind with his words. Maybe subconsciously I'm scared and I'm picking at him to see if he really has changed. After everything I've been threw, I just want a normal Life, and a happy healthy loving relationship. I feel so broken and unfixable. I am in therapy and working very hard on the PMDD, that's really when minor annoyances feel much larger. But at the same time it at least brings my subconscious forward, it's like a magnifying glass on my deepest emotions, and I want to deal more positively with the things that come up. Edited May 20, 2013 by Rose411 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 when i tell my history....i have misgivings for this reason...i dont want people to think i am playing a victim oh poor deb had a rough life...there there.......i actually abhorr it.......i am not a victim i am a survivor.......i wont give those who have abused em the privilidge of thinking me their victim........thats what they want...they wont get it from me.......i am survivor of their callous behaviour......and they get nothing from me.......they did once....i am taking it back........ I understand yrou fear......i have fear.....not so much with men that i think they will abuse me.....but with the fact i allow my heart to open up ...and i do that with people in general ...i have that fear....but once i do ...i dont look back......i hold my head up....i accept the fear as conditioning....how actions of others have conditioned me to feel fear.....and i let it go..I get to know guys before i date........thats survivor defence 101.....because i have a history to disclose ....last thing i need is for a guy to think i am a victim...to be pitied.......yuck...i am nto a kicked and beaten whipped dog to pat.....i am the rottie....full of graceful calm strength and if you bite i will bite back.....i have owned big dogs since i was attacked they are my first line of defence.....if a guy can pat them....lol...he is ok.....none of my rotties have bitten anyone yet.... you will feel fear, it is natural to feel it....it isnt bad .....dont look at yourself like a victim and you wont feel like one...you are a survivor.......so take back the control you gave your abusers, the power to control how you think feel and act towards others and most importantly YOU......i am not saying be totally open off bat.....but allow yourself the room to trust.......hold your head up and say this every morning when you wake up and stretch....i am not a victim i am a survivor.......do it once a day until it is in there....and it happens automatically...you are stronger than you are allowing yourself to just be...allow that strength to hit your heart and trust your bf.......and know if he does change you will be strong and survive whatever he throws at you...survivors survive.....and its against odds..thats a beautiful thing..and also be strong enough to say...cut that crap out or ill walk...... .......huge hugs.....deb ...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rose411 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 when i tell my history....i have misgivings for this reason...i dont want people to think i am playing a victim oh poor deb had a rough life...there there.......i actually abhorr it.......i am not a victim i am a survivor.......i wont give those who have abused em the privilidge of thinking me their victim........thats what they want...they wont get it from me.......i am survivor of their callous behaviour......and they get nothing from me.......they did once....i am taking it back........ I understand yrou fear......i have fear.....not so much with men that i think they will abuse me.....but with the fact i allow my heart to open up ...and i do that with people in general ...i have that fear....but once i do ...i dont look back......i hold my head up....i accept the fear as conditioning....how actions of others have conditioned me to feel fear.....and i let it go..I get to know guys before i date........thats survivor defence 101.....because i have a history to disclose ....last thing i need is for a guy to think i am a victim...to be pitied.......yuck...i am nto a kicked and beaten whipped dog to pat.....i am the rottie....full of graceful calm strength and if you bite i will bite back.....i have owned big dogs since i was attacked they are my first line of defence.....if a guy can pat them....lol...he is ok.....none of my rotties have bitten anyone yet.... you will feel fear, it is natural to feel it....it isnt bad .....dont look at yourself like a victim and you wont feel like one...you are a survivor.......so take back the control you gave your abusers, the power to control how you think feel and act towards others and most importantly YOU......i am not saying be totally open off bat.....but allow yourself the room to trust.......hold your head up and say this every morning when you wake up and stretch....i am not a victim i am a survivor.......do it once a day until it is in there....and it happens automatically...you are stronger than you are allowing yourself to just be...allow that strength to hit your heart and trust your bf.......and know if he does change you will be strong and survive whatever he throws at you...survivors survive.....and its against odds..thats a beautiful thing..and also be strong enough to say...cut that crap out or ill walk...... .......huge hugs.....deb ...... That's such a good point, the fear! In general I do see myself as a survivor, but I think I get stuck on the victim role, and that's why in a sense I create problems. I do need to look at the past as the past and be open to true love, and understand what is being mean and wrong, vs minor things that are normal and ok. It's really not easy after 27 years of learning the wrong way. My BF and I are going slow, even though we were engaged when we split. There's no talk of marriage or baby 2, and we're ok with that, even though we were together so long, it's still in a sense new. I'm focusing on myself and really learning who I am. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 That's such a good point, the fear! In general I do see myself as a survivor, but I think I get stuck on the victim role, and that's why in a sense I create problems. I do need to look at the past as the past and be open to true love, and understand what is being mean and wrong, vs minor things that are normal and ok. It's really not easy after 27 years of learning the wrong way. My BF and I are going slow, even though we were engaged when we split. There's no talk of marriage or baby 2, and we're ok with that, even though we were together so long, it's still in a sense new. I'm focusing on myself and really learning who I am. I am happy for you.......i think fear can be used as a grounding peg.......you have to recognize it to be able to deal with it.........I have been spooked lately on my walks........its only because I have had a few guys approach......the fear is justified...i dont know them......as it turns out it was harmless i was in distance of others for starters......i allowed myself to feel that fear it keeps me watchful.....and continued to be open and friendly and when i smiled it relaxed me........so i recognized the fear as having no merit eventually and moved on from it......i know your situation isnt the same...but anyone who has had abuse is a survivor........i am glad you have survivor mentality.... take it easy on yourself.......and it will be easier to take it easy on your bf.......don't fight what you feel...allow it....recognize it...... move on....any emotion you feel is necessary at the time....might or might not be justified though....i am happy for you and i wish you nothing but the best in your life.....love and future happiness....you will get there.:bunny: rabbbits for uuuuuu....lol..deb Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) I had to let the story die in order to live. I decided that after age 25 I would not talk about my past anymore. I figured that it was pretty amazing that I was still alive, not remotely a vengeful psycho and without a criminal record - as so many peers who have been through the Care System seem to have. So anything after age 25 was up to me. I did not tell my H about my past. He knows some things but even now after nearly 15 years he still does not know fully what happened. My children do not know either. I am their mum and that's it. My Doctor knows everything and I will have counselling if I hit a bad patch but I have not had any serious bouts of depression for a long long time now. There is more to it, such as my embracing faith, getting a good education, working in a caring field where I have been able to help others whom basically it has been like helping the child aspect of myself .. and yes, living in only exceptionally nice areas - but the main thing really was deciding to let it all die. It was a worthwhile decision. Sorry but I have not heard of PMDD. I will have to look it up tomorrow. Mainly I am big on eating well.. hope the link below helps. Fresh chilled pineapples are so good for us ladies at that time of the month. I cannot promote this enough! My daughter and I eat at least 2 per week now and our lives have been radically changed. It's all about fresh fruit and vegables and taking time to take in everything which is good. There is no rush! Diet tips to prevent menstrual cramps Take care, Eve x Edited May 20, 2013 by Eve 2 Link to post Share on other sites
avelonia2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) I've always been the victim, and that wasn't perceived. I'm the black sheep of the family, my father abused me, and I've picked many bad relationships. My ex and I are on our second chance, and he has truly changed. We have a child together, so it's been very exciting. However, there is this block there, and it's usually in my face when I'm suffering with PMDD, which is PMS times ten. Sometimes I feel that if the BF is short or snippy, I just walk away. But if he is rude to me and I say something, he gives an attitude back. When trying to speak to him, the BF actually feels very confused and thinks I'm being oversensitive and creating problems. So maybe in reality he's really not as short and snippy as I think. Maybe I'm thinking up problems because my whole Life I've been dealing with broken people and it's hard to accept that I actually have a good guy. I do see though my issues. I want to shed this victim role and become more easygoing. During the month issues feels like just a needle prick, it's so easy to deal with whatever comes my way. But once PMDD hits the slightest thing is like a knife in my heart. I know my BF has done a LOT of changing, and I think we both can have a tendency to be impatient but he's become very loving and kind with his words. Maybe subconsciously I'm scared and I'm picking at him to see if he really has changed. After everything I've been threw, I just want a normal Life, and a happy healthy loving relationship. I feel so broken and unfixable. I am in therapy and working very hard on the PMDD, that's really when minor annoyances feel much larger. But at the same time it at least brings my subconscious forward, it's like a magnifying glass on my deepest emotions, and I want to deal more positively with the things that come up. I can totally relate to this; especially the bolded parts. I don't know if I have PMDD however, I do know that when I'm feeling vulnerable I react the same way. At times like this it is very much "like a magnifying glass on my deepest emotions" and I DO "want to deal more positively with the things that come up." Taking unresolved issues out on someone else is the last thing I want to do. Great stuff! Thanks for posting. Edited May 20, 2013 by avelonia2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
avelonia2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 when i tell my history....i have misgivings for this reason...i dont want people to think i am playing a victim oh poor deb had a rough life...there there.......i actually abhorr it.......i am not a victim i am a survivor.......i wont give those who have abused em the privilidge of thinking me their victim........thats what they want...they wont get it from me.......i am survivor of their callous behaviour......and they get nothing from me.......they did once....i am taking it back........ I understand yrou fear......i have fear.....not so much with men that i think they will abuse me.....but with the fact i allow my heart to open up ...and i do that with people in general ...i have that fear....but once i do ...i dont look back......i hold my head up....i accept the fear as conditioning....how actions of others have conditioned me to feel fear.....and i let it go..I get to know guys before i date........thats survivor defence 101.....because i have a history to disclose ....last thing i need is for a guy to think i am a victim...to be pitied.......yuck...i am nto a kicked and beaten whipped dog to pat.....i am the rottie....full of graceful calm strength and if you bite i will bite back.....i have owned big dogs since i was attacked they are my first line of defence.....if a guy can pat them....lol...he is ok.....none of my rotties have bitten anyone yet.... you will feel fear, it is natural to feel it....it isnt bad .....dont look at yourself like a victim and you wont feel like one...you are a survivor.......so take back the control you gave your abusers, the power to control how you think feel and act towards others and most importantly YOU......i am not saying be totally open off bat.....but allow yourself the room to trust.......hold your head up and say this every morning when you wake up and stretch....i am not a victim i am a survivor.......do it once a day until it is in there....and it happens automatically...you are stronger than you are allowing yourself to just be...allow that strength to hit your heart and trust your bf.......and know if he does change you will be strong and survive whatever he throws at you...survivors survive.....and its against odds..thats a beautiful thing..and also be strong enough to say...cut that crap out or ill walk...... .......huge hugs.....deb ...... Excellent post! I am a survivor to in a sense and fear gets in the way of me trusting others sometimes. Even though I have good intuition, it's still hard for me to open up and trust. Great posts girls! I am enjoying the insights. Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Ok, cool, I have read up a bit on this condition. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Being in a different country I have little idea about some conditions mentioned here, lol. Overall, I would say the diet aspect would be the primary means of dealing with this issue from a biological, health related perspective. In terms of being triggered to the extent that you are there are two things I have to say. 1. You may be right about your partner. 2. Adopting a non violent approach could help you to deal with the triggers. Yes, it may be that your partner is not so great, especially if you feel you must back down all the time. My H has to be able to take me as I am. I could be wrong but I would be cautious that this man is trying to mould you into what he wants. Make sure you are not over compensating, lazy partners love that approach. Read up on NVR - Non Violent Resistance. I will see what I can find that is accessible for your situation. Basically it is about managing ones own emotions by clearly deciding not to react to stimuli which can or has been harmful. A lot of the problem with victims of abuse is that they can be re-traumatised by new incidents you see. This then keeps them in a cycle of damage. Stepping out of the cycle means adopting a new way of living and reacting. .. I will find to find a suitable article and post it. Currently this is a new systemic method - about 15 years old in its origin but based on the writings of Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King. It is powerful stuff.. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 OP, I have been looking to find an article which can be off help but they are linked too tightly to the current focus within practice, which is complex work with highly dysfunctional multi-stressed families. I can only suggest that you ask your therapist about NVR and see if she is able/willing/interested in learning more about this practice. There are not many practitioners in the UK but there should be far more in the US. Sorry, I am unravelling somewhat due to being on quite powerful medication in preparation for an operation to be had in a few days. So I am going to have to bow out now and rest up. Please know that it is possible to move on from what has happened to you. I pray that you find people who can both inspire and truly support you... but it is absolutely and completely possible to move on from severe trauma and be a whole person. All the best, Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
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