vanek26 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So back in November I had a one night stand with a girl from a bar who lives an hour away. Didn't use protection (she said she was on B.C.) so I know it's my fault and I'm not crying out for sympathy. The news that I got this girl pregnant was absolutely devastating as well as scary, shameful, and angering. I know there's always a chance that I'm not the father but the dates match up perfectly with her ovulation schedule and her due date. Also, I didn't use any restraint during the sex. She says I was her only sexual partner that month. She very well could have been lying, but I have to be realistic here too. even if she was lying, there's still a very good chance it's mine. I knew I had to be there for her and there for this child so I sat down with her and told her I would be. I have no romantic interest in her whatsoever so I was clear that we shouldn't try forcing a relationship but we would be better being good friends and trying to co parent. I really thought that with me being genuine from the start it could work. And for a while, it did work. I went to all of her appointments with her, met her mother, and took her out to eat a few times. She texted me daily and I was a sounding board for her problems. I really felt pretty good about myself for doing it because I've heard many stories of guys in my situation just saying "screw you" and vanishing. But everything changed in early March. We went to an appointment together and found out it's going to be a baby girl. After that day, she didn't respond to my texts or calls for a week. She finally did respond and gave me some BS about her being too stressed to respond. Then she dropped this nugget on me: she just started dating someone. Apparently she found a guy who wanted to date a woman 4 months into a pregnancy. She assured me that he wouldn't have anything to do with our daughter and it wouldn't change anything, but quite the opposite happened. I had plans to go see her one day and she ditched me in order to see her boyfriend. Her responses to my texts were infrequent and short. I eventually just stopped bothering trying to talk to her. Obviously, she was caught up in her new boyfriend and the concept of "playing house" and raising the baby with him. I didn't want to interfere though, because I was fairly sure he would wisen up and get out of the situation when he realized what he was getting into. It's now almost been three months though, and they're still going strong. Today I noticed on her facebook wall, her boyfriend's mom made a post about how she was excited about the baby. It sent me over the edge just a little bit. I wanted to write on there: "does anyone even know that this is MY baby?" (I know it legally isn't my baby yet...) She is experiencing the joy of picking out clothes, setting up a nursery, deciding on a name, and all of that. I'm left with the fear of not knowing how involved I will be in my own daughter's life. It's infuriating because pregnant women usually want the dad involved unless he's a truly horrible person. I will be a great dad. I have worked at a daycare and a baby product retailer... I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. She should want me to be involved, and instead she's phasing me out. Is this some way of lashing out at me for not wanting to be in a relationship with her? Am I going to have to try to be with her in that way to be able to see my daughter? Should I try to just bide my time a little longer?
Balzac Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 If this child is your's you have legal rights to parenting/visitation. Establish paternity and then contemplate the possibility that you'll be approached by mom/BF to abandon your parental rights. Life gets complicated. 3
kamani Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 First confirm whether the kid is yours. There's still a possibility that she's not. This girl needs a family for her baby on the way. She already knows that you won't be interested in being with her. May be her current BF loves her very much and consented to raise the kid as his own, though we can't be sure what it would turn into. But there is a chance that this guy would love the baby. She is doing what she thinks as the best option. However your paternal rights cannot be denied. All what you can do now is to discuss a plan with them to co-parent your child. If they don't like it, you have to seek legal advice I'm sorry. I feel for the baby. 1
Sollenn Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) I salute you for your willingness to accept the child as your own even without a 100% proof. Your sense of responsibility is inspiring and I think other's should imitate you. Anyway, I think she needs someone to be with her as she will raise her daughter. Someone who will really commit to not just love the child but also her and apparently, it's the opposite to what you want. I understand your 'no-romance-feeling' towards her, I don't have any questions with that. In fact, why would you let yourself get into a relationship when you don't even feel a spark of love towards her and instead you would just do it because you know that that is your responsibility as the father of her child? The thing is, it's beyond your control if she wants to pick someone who will love them both. However, if that's the case, you should fight for your paternal rights (that is, if the child is really, really yours). The best thing you can do right now is to continue to be the father of your child. Let them feel your presence. You might as well invite her to go to the mall to buy some things for your daughter (leave the dresses/clothes alone.it may give them idea that you want competition). If she refuse to go with you then go on your own (or you may seek help from a friend) and buy the stuff. In that way, the mother of your child will be reminded that you are still willing to keep your responsibility just like before, that you are the father of her daughter, and nothing will change that fact even if her boyfriend is willing to embrace them both as his own. I hope your determination to stand by your daughter as her father is still in your heart by now. Edited May 21, 2013 by Sollenn
Shepp Posted May 23, 2013 Posted May 23, 2013 Your the dad, no one can change that but this girls just doing whats best for her. Shes appeasing the guy who wants to be with her romantically and wants to play families which isn't that surprising she'd pick that over a guy who is doing all the right things as a dad but doesn't want a relationship with her. Its your name that'll go on the birth certificate and then you'll have rights and what-not, so you can still be involved in your kids life, but if you don't want the girl you cant really blame her for standing by someone who does.
hppr Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 Before you do anything I would get some sort of paternity test to establish your rights as the biological father. Then talk to some ADULT who has legal knowledge, maybe a free consultation from a lawyer to figure out where you will potentially stand when the child is born. I know it sounds cynical but life experience has taught me that it is always best to (quietly) protect yourself.
Author vanek26 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Thanks for the advice. As a follow up, I talked to her last week and suggested we meet in person to talk about things since I haven't seen her in months and she didn't respond. I have tried texting her for four-five days since then and she hasn't responded once. It's pretty obvious to me what is going on. She no longer feels like she needs my support like she did before so I really am nothing but an annoyance to her. If her and her boyfriend were to break up, she would surely change her tune but I can't count on that happening now. I've got less than three months until this baby is born! What do you think about contacting her mom and reaching out to her? She seemed to really like me when we met and although I'm sure her daughter's happiness is her number one concern, she may have a shred of compassion for my situation and be willing to at least lend an ear. However, it could backfire if she ignores my request and instead informs her daughter that I'm trying to interfere. That would create hostility which I'm desperately trying to avoid.
Suave Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 You didn't use a condom because she said she was on birth control? I ask to see the birth control and then use a condom anyways.
CC12 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 What do you think about contacting her mom and reaching out to her? I think that would be overstepping boundaries and really inappropriate. It looks like you're trying to get the mom to make her daughter talk to you, or trying to get in good with people close to her in order to get your foot in the door, or something. If she's not communicating with you, you can't force it on her. You should get a lawyer.
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