Update: ex is no longer the ex

[kiss_andmakeup]

I haven't really posted on LS much since my breakup at the end of November (thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/359423-s-over), but man has it been an eventful few months.

 

In short: boyfriend and I had been together for 1.5 years; very happy, drama-free and committed relationship. However, he never was great about talking about long-term things such as marriage and a life together, both of which were (and are) important to me. Not wanting to be the pressuring girlfriend, I rarely brought up those topics, and naively hoped that as our love grew, so would his faith in long-term commitment. However, I'm not a stupid girl. It was obvious that he had a lack of faith in the ideas of life partnership and marriage, and deep down I knew there was a good chance that these issues would be the end of us. I was right, and eventually he told me that he'd decided he didn't want those things and so we broke up. I was so heartbroken...worse than I've ever experienced in my life. He tried a couple of times to contact me, but I insisted on NC, and we were essentially strangers for two months.

 

At the end of January I received a message from him that actually compelled me to reply...and since then we've been working things out. He's like a different person, relationship-wise...it's incredible.

 

We took things slow. Didn't get physical for a couple of months. Saw a counselor together. He started seeing a therapist and still goes every week, which has been amazing for him and for us. He's begun to heal some deep wounds that were left over from past relationships and experiences, which has allowed us to communicate more freely. And most of all, it's simply allowed him to love me more.

 

And as of this past week, well...I'm engaged! :o

 

And it makes me feel amazing that every step has been propelled by him and he has been so positive, proactive, and constructive during this whole healing/"getting-back-together" process. He's so passionate about making our relationship work, and has actively sought out all the help and resources he could to help us along the way. The therapist, the counselor, the tough conversations...he initiated it all. He wants this so badly. And that feels wonderful, because I want it so badly, too.

 

We still have lots of work to do, but the past 4 months have been an awesome journey. I'm so happy.

 

This seemed like the most appropriate sub-forum in which to post this, given the break-up and the reconciliation, but this is really just an update. I've been on this forum for so long, and while I'm sure no one really thought, "hey, I wonder what kiss_andmakeup is doing!", I did feel like I should post an update of sorts. I also feel excited and proud...proud that I walked away, moved on and healed from a broken relationship, and that I've had the strength to give it another chance once the pieces were in the right place. I'm completely in love and completely ecstatic wondering what's ahead for us. I'll keep anyone who actually reads this posted.

[aisuru]

What a wonderful story. Congratulation and thank you for sharing!

 

Prepare yourself for lots of questions. HA!

[kiss_andmakeup]

What a wonderful story. Congratulation and thank you for sharing![/Quote]

 

Thank you very much! Thanks for reading it!

 

Prepare yourself for lots of questions. HA!

 

I welcome questions with open arms.

[cinta_satu]

Great story! Definitely put a smile on my face.

 

And more importantly, congratulations! Hope your love for each other is stronger than ever and never fades.

 

Good luck!

[kiss_andmakeup]

Great story! Definitely put a smile on my face.

 

And more importantly, congratulations! Hope your love for each other is stronger than ever and never fades.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you so much for the kind words! Glad to have put a smile on your face.

[Leigh 87]

All I can say is: congratulations.

 

You guys had the very rare type of love that is so strong, that even after months apart without talking; he still felt too much love for you to move on (without at least trying for another chance).

 

Really. Your very lucky. Most couples I see don't love each other the way you guys do. Mostly, with time apart: MOST guys tend to move on, rather than hold onto great love for a women.

 

My recent ex also had issues, as you have read about:sick:. He left because we had too many issues to be in a R.

 

Unlike with your guy though, I am sure my ex does not quiet love me enough to come back after months of NC.

 

At the time it felt like we both seriously loved each other SO much, it honestly did not feel like there was a stronger love out there.

 

It is not like I am going to get an fb message or text from my ex declaring his undying love for me the way your ex did though; mine will move on rather than staying in love with me.

 

Your very lucky that he loved you enough to want to change.

[Leigh 87]

Oh yeah, a question: you must have felt like sh*tty that he left due to commitment issues, right?

 

Did you question his love for you at the time?

 

Did you know deep down that he really did love you enough, but simply had issues of his own that ended things?

 

Did you have a gut feeling he would be back?

 

With my ex, I thought that besides his issues (which were not commitment but a disgusting addiction) that he DID really love me as much as he COULD love.

 

Yet, I doubt mine will still love me that much, the way yours did, after months apart.

 

I guess you just moved on right?

 

What was it like to go through the process of mourning a loss, to the possibility re igniting that love again?

 

It must have been so weird to go from mourning such a huge loss, to welcoming it back.

 

I would have gone really slow to before being intimate, it would all have felt so unreal to me.

 

Sorry about all the questions. It's just I cannot really comprehend what he hell I would do if the unthinkable happened to me.

[OwlSoul]

Your very lucky that he loved you enough to want to change.

Do you love your ex enough to want to change btw, leigh? As far as I know, you said you are not going to resolve your own issues, so your ex could not stay with you anymore.

I'm going through the reconcilation process by myself. My ideology is that love does not simply die within a year or two, it is just hidden underneath the issues the couple is facing.

I also had thoughts that my ex did not care or loved me enough, untill I realized that it was hard to love me.

[Leigh 87]

Do you love your ex enough to want to change btw, leigh? As far as I know, you said you are not going to resolve your own issues, so your ex could not stay with you anymore.

I'm going through the reconcilation process by myself. My ideology is that love does not simply die within a year or two, it is just hidden underneath the issues the couple is facing.

I also had thoughts that my ex did not care or loved me enough, untill I realized that it was hard to love me.

 

 

 

Kissandmakeup's ex loved her enough to change.

 

I love my ex enough to change. Yet, I am NOT changing for him; I am a nice girl, a great girlfriend, but I DO have to change a few of the things I did if I am EVER to be happy with a man.

 

My ex was the kick up the butt I needed to acknowledge my mistakes; as I was what he needed to realise he made mistakes too.

 

Personally, I think our love is still there and it is strong enough to have a life long relationship: we just need to move on for a while and re visit it when we have grown and matured.

 

I think some people need the time apart, and if the love is strong enough over the years, if your not happily married or coupled up with someone else, you can re visit that love.

 

I am sure my ex and I will if we happen to be single in a year or two down the track.

 

Kissandmake up happened and her fiancé happened to have come together sooner than my ex and I ever will, I can "feel"

 

She is very lucky though that they were ready to be together again so soon, rather than going their separate ways and re visiting things later (and running the risk of meeting their life long partner before they have the chance to reconnect)

 

I think it is all about timing. The love WAS there in our case, we were just immature and has too many issues.

 

I believe love is simply buried and comes out again if you cross paths with that person again one day, if you have not already found your life partner.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Oh yeah, a question: you must have felt like sh*tty that he left due to commitment issues, right?

 

Did you question his love for you at the time?

 

Of course I did. We broke up. I resigned myself to the idea (or, as I saw it, fact) that he must have stopped loving me (or, at least, loving me in the way necessary for a healthy and happy relationship). I didn't leave this relationship with the assumption that we'd be getting back together - quite the contrary. I assumed it was dead forever.

 

I dated others, cut off all (read: seriously, all) contact with him, threw away gifts and pictures from him, etc. I was prepared to never see this man again.

 

Did you know deep down that he really did love you enough, but simply had issues of his own that ended things?

 

No. I felt he didn't love me enough, and I felt very convicted on that point at the time.

 

Did you have a gut feeling he would be back?

 

No, but apparently my friends and family all thought he would be, and told me so when we did get back together. For the two months we were broken up, I lived my life with the idea that not only were we ever getting back together...but also that I was going to do everything in my power to avoid talking to, communicating with, or seeing him.

 

With my ex, I thought that besides his issues (which were not commitment but a disgusting addiction) that he DID really love me as much as he COULD love.

 

Yet, I doubt mine will still love me that much, the way yours did, after months apart.

 

I guess you just moved on right?

 

What was it like to go through the process of mourning a loss, to the possibility re igniting that love again?

 

It was surreal, at first. It was like seeing a ghost. The first time we met for coffee, I might as well have been having coffee with a dead person. It was pretty uncomfortable and it took several dates and meetings before I finally started to feel comfortable around him again.

 

Seeing the counselor and communicating constantly have been a huge part in moving forward from this. There is still some fear on my side (and there was a TON of it when we first got back together) that I'm going to get hurt again. He knows what a real and terrifying concern this is for me, and has been very patient and receptive when I'm feeling insecure.

 

I still feel insecure sometimes, even with all these long-term plans. But whereas before our breakup I would have buried those concerns in the interest of not rocking the boat, now I make sure to talk about them (in a calm, non-confrontational way, of course). Sometimes I'll say "Hey, I'm having a bit of a rough one today. I'm feeling a bit worried and insecure. Can we talk about it?" And then we'll just talk about the progress we've made, the plans ahead, and he tells me how much he loves me and how he wants us to be together for the rest of our lives.

 

It seems silly to need to hear those things more than once, but in this stage I'm still healing from the heartbreak. So I do need frequent reassurance right now - something that has gotten better (and will continue to get better) over time, as our relationship grows and my trust in him grows.

[Leigh 87]

All I can say is: WOW.

 

 

 

... That is seriously heavy stuff. I too, feel as though I have lost a man who I loved as MUCH as I could possibly love a person. We were everything to each other, in spite of his mad habits (and mine)

 

It is crazy to go from being the main person in each others lives, the closest person TO each other: to nothing.

 

It is completely... Look it is like someone has died. Although I actually said that to him, which made HIM cry:confused::eek::eek: hmm not a good move leigh 87.

 

I am NOT using your story as false hope for me.

 

I am also resigned to the fact it is over forever.

 

I too am going to date other people. Once I am ready. Not full on sex at first, just flirting and making connections with men, maybe a kiss here and there.

 

And WOW. About how weird it was to meet again... It really haunts me how you describe it all.

 

I am not sure why. It is truly amazing how it is a whole new process, in regards to getting to know each other again, from your position: being heartbroken.

 

I do not think Andrew loved me enough at that stage to continue: and unlike you, he will probably confirm it by never returning.

 

And I have to be okay with that. I will be with strict NC.

 

This is really a rare thing that has happened to you. I am baffled. I mean, genuine second chances NEVER happen.

 

You know - guys miss the girl the left, there is nothing else happening in their dating and sex lives, and they figure " meh, I miss her, why not?"

 

Your story is one in a million, really.

 

.................

 

 

Kissandmakeup - I am thrilled for you. This comes from my heart, there is not an ounce of bitterness or jealously. I makes me feel happy how you have gotten him back.

[OwlSoul]

I still feel insecure sometimes, even with all these long-term plans. But whereas before our breakup I would have buried those concerns in the interest of not rocking the boat, now I make sure to talk about them (in a calm, non-confrontational way, of course).

It is not silly. I'm doing the same as well.

[Leigh 87]

My ex was the same: he did not like me to incessantly bring anything negative up regarding the R..

 

I mean, he and MEN in general, if they truly care: they do listen and want to help; after a while though, you learn to keep some things to yourself, in the hope that you will solve that insecurity on your own accord, opposed to having to bring it to attention unnecessarily (when you could deal with it on your own)

[LittleTiger]

And as of this past week, well...I'm engaged! :o

 

Congratulations kiss_andmakeup!

 

I read about your breakup last year and thought how sad it was when these things happen. It's fantastic that he's leading the way in your new relationship. I wish you all the best.

 

Let us know when you set the date!

[Leigh 87]

Congratulations kiss_andmakeup!

 

I read about your breakup last year and thought how sad it was when these things happen. It's fantastic that he's leading the way in your new relationship. I wish you all the best.

 

Let us know when you set the date!

 

Little Tiger, how is your "second chance" going?

 

Andrew left and it honestly feels like he has died. As terrible as that sounds.... I mean a romantic death: them moving on and screwing other people and finding someone they love more than you, to me, feels akin to them dying in terms of the amount of pain felt.

 

I have lost the 4 dogs, two of which were mine (dog free flat I reside in) and NC makes it impossible to see them.

 

I really am happy to hear that you girls had men that adored you enough to come back.

 

NOT bitter! Just mourning a loss here! I can still be happy for other people:)

[LittleTiger]

Little Tiger, how is your "second chance" going?

 

 

I think you've got me mixed up with someone else Leigh. Kiwi man and I have never split up. Not for more than about five minutes anyway!

[Leigh 87]

 

I think you've got me mixed up with someone else Leigh. Kiwi man and I have never split up. Not for more than about five minutes anyway!

 

 

LOL.

 

I got you mixed up with TIGERCUB.

 

Sorry!

[Sunshine87]

Isnt it ironic that the OP's name is "Kiss_makeup" and that is exactly what happened to her relationship? They kissed and madeup?

[Kobe2345]

OP may i ask, When your ex initiated contact and ask you to try again, what exactly did he say to convince you that this time will work out?? Thanks for the reply!

[kiss_andmakeup]

OP may i ask, When your ex initiated contact and ask you to try again, what exactly did he say to convince you that this time will work out?? Thanks for the reply!

 

Hi Kobe!

 

Well, despite our disagreements and initial incompatibilities in our relationship, my boyfriend had never deceived me or mislead me about things. He never sugar-coated anything or promised things he couldn't deliver. When I would ask him about his feelings about living together and marriage, he was honest about his doubts and the fact that he's never been sure if he wanted those things. So when he contacted me and told me he realized he'd made a huge mistake and that he does want those things, it was believable. He had never lied to me about it before, even when our relationship was on the line, so why would he choose to lie about it now?

 

His actions also played a big part in my faith in him - his seeking out professional help, particularly. He's a very proud man so the idea of seeing a psychologist or a therapist used to be out of the question for him. To me, this was an indication of his change for the better.

 

Finally, this is going to sound silly, but even just his tone was noticeably different. He talked more openly about his feelings about me, and welcomed my feelings with open arms. Our relationship had previously always felt like there was an invisible "wall" up and there were certain things we couldn't talk about - that wall was visibly coming down when he contacted me, and is practically gone now.

 

Sorry for the long response. Hopefully it helps in some way!

[Kobe2345]

Oh nice! Well your man seems very dedicated to you, and i gotta say Congrats lol! anyways I still have some more to ask haha, i hope ya don't mind...

 

Who broke up with who? (Sorry i didn't go over your full story)

 

While you dated others(casually or serious?)... Did you still love him at that time?

 

Did you have to break it off with anyone when he reached out to you? or you were single?

 

Thanks for replying haha, Just curious to know..

[kiss_andmakeup]

 

Who broke up with who? (Sorry i didn't go over your full story)

 

The best way to put it is that he broke up with me, even though I was the one who ended up leaving. His commitment issues were too much, and he basically sat me down and told me he'd never be able to give me what I wanted. Essentially prompting us to break up. He refused to work on that in a constructive way and didn't want to change. It left only one option.

 

While you dated others(casually or serious?)... Did you still love him at that time?

 

Yes. I didn't stop loving him. I only dated relatively casually and nothing reached a point of intimacy (physical nor emotional). I wasn't ready.

 

Did you have to break it off with anyone when he reached out to you? or you were single?

 

I was dating someone, but not seriously. Interestingly, I broke it off with him mere days before my ex contacted me due to my lingering feelings for my ex and not being ready for a relationship.

[Kobe2345]

Kiss and Makeup, Its nice to hear a successful story, there's barely any success story here... i hope everything is going well for you and your ex haha, i guess in the end true love wins lol

Edited May 22, 2013 by Kobe2345

[kiss_andmakeup]

Kiss and Makeup, Its nice to hear a successful story, there's barely any success story here... i hope everything is going well for you and your ex haha, i guess in the end true love wins lol

 

Thank you

[crederer]

I actually think there are more successful stories than this board represents as it's usually just the heart broken ones lingering.

 

In my life experience, I know quite a few couples that split then got back together, and the majority of them are still together.