Should I tell hubby I'm getting counsselling / who gets the kids?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Just a couple of questions. I'm going to start counselling next week. My previous post said I was having an affair, and I have had a few short-lived ones in the past (married 13 yrs). The OM and I are stepping back but keeping in touch as who knows what the future holds.

 

Should I tell my husband I'm going for counselling? I don't want to. I don't want to feel like a freak and I think he will use this against me if needed.

 

And maybe I'm getting way ahead of myself here. He is a good Mr. Mom type of guy. If he found out about my affair, how can I better my chances of staying in the house with the kids and having him move out even though I probably don't deserve it? But who knows, maybe he is hiding something too - I know he does the internet thing, porn and stuff, we both have actually.

[Ladyjane14]

You'll be able to take up alot of those questions with the counselor. So try not to worry too far in advance.

 

I think if it was me, I'd at least tell him I was going, if not the reasons why. I find deception exhausting, so I don't practice it. Not that I've never stretched the truth, 'cause I think most of us have at one time or another. And on those occasions I found it best to keep the lies down to an absolute minimum. In other words, tell the truth as much as you can.

 

I think I'd also want some emotional support from my spouse. But I am blessed in knowing that I would get his support if I asked for it.

 

You're straddling the fence keeping the OM on the string. The time will come when you have to commit to something whole-heartedly. Are you sure you want to do this much juggling while you're working on yourself?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

The OM and I are stepping back but keeping in touch as who knows what the future holds.

 

If he found out about my affair, how can I better my chances of staying in the house with the kids and having him move out even though I probably don't deserve it?

 

With those 2 statements, it seems like your already setting up the outcome...

 

 

and like LJ said.....and from what I have learned from counseling....ALWAYS tell the truth....as much as it hurts to say the truth.....you must express your true feelings. Because the hurt and pain you feel inside BY keeping it inside is far worse and will only get worse the longer you keep it in.

 

Be true to yourself and your husband......but as I always say.....everybody has there own way of doing things....I can only suggest that you do what you feel is the right thing.

[DazednConfused]

Unbelieveable.

 

The OM and I are stepping back but keeping in touch as who knows what the future holds.

 

Way to have confidence and commit to your marriage. You are setting yourself up to fail before you begin.

 

Should I tell my husband I'm going for counselling? I don't want to. I don't want to feel like a freak and I think he will use this against me if needed.

 

Of course you should tell him. Jeebus, do you even like the man you married? Any respect at all? I think it is about you face up to everything you have done.

 

If he found out about my affair, how can I better my chances of staying in the house with the kids and having him move out even though I probably don't deserve it?

 

Bah! You were never serious about regretting what you have done. You are not going to go to counseling and try to change. You are going to counseling so that you can say in court "Gosh, your honor, I really tried, see, I went to counseling and everything..." You'll have tears running, sniffling, and kleenex will be brought....

 

"Please, your honor, I know I have cheated, lied, and been absent, but please award me the house and kids because I have breasts and cry. My husband may be a good father, and he had no idea what I was doing, but please throw him out to the street. He deserves to not only be cheated and lied to, but he should give up his home and children. Further, please make him pay me each month so I can continue to live the way I want to."

 

 

Lady, grow up.

 

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Jeebus yourself - you must be a guy. I'm going to counselling to find out why I cheat. and why I need another man to make me feel good about myself. Possibly I have deep emotional wounds from childhood but I want to forget about the past 39 years and make it stop affecting the way I am now. I want to move forward, be a better person, and I don't know if I can handle the guilt, or if my husband would even want me around if he knew about my affair. We've been to counselling together twice and both times we have ended up in the same place - no sex, no communication, no affection.

 

He has a bug up his ass about something, and has for over a year. This affair only started a couple of weeks ago and things were good between hubby and me for a couple of years after our counselling, or so I thought. So yeah, I went outside the marriage and I know it's wrong, but I also know it's not 100% my fault.

 

I can accept my marriage being over, hubby has tried as hard as me to make it work, which wasn't very hard. But what I don't want is to make the same mistakes in my next relationship.

 

maybe I"m wasting my time here.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Unbelieveable.

 

 

 

Way to have confidence and commit to your marriage. You are setting yourself up to fail before you begin.

 

 

 

Of course you should tell him. Jeebus, do you even like the man you married? Any respect at all? I think it is about you face up to everything you have done.

 

If he found out about my affair, how can I better my chances of staying in the house with the kids and having him move out even though I probably don't deserve it?

 

Bah! You were never serious about regretting what you have done. You are not going to go to counseling and try to change. You are going to counseling so that you can say in court "Gosh, your honor, I really tried, see, I went to counseling and everything..." You'll have tears running, sniffling, and kleenex will be brought....

 

"Please, your honor, I know I have cheated, lied, and been absent, but please award me the house and kids because I have breasts and cry. My husband may be a good father, and he had no idea what I was doing, but please throw him out to the street. He deserves to not only be cheated and lied to, but he should give up his home and children. Further, please make him pay me each month so I can continue to live the way I want to."

 

 

Lady, grow up.

 

 

 

Wife-mom-cheater.........Dazed just laid some cold hard facts on the table.....and I kinda agree with him....

 

you have a long road ahead of you.....just do the right thing...every body knows what the right thing is....but sometimes its hard NOT to be selfish.....but believe me.....you will be in a much better place if you try

 

IF you want to save this marriage, you will put all selfishness aside and concentrate on your marriage.....if you dont not give yourself fully and truthfully, you are only setting yourself up for future letdowns.

[DazednConfused]

mom-wife,

 

You don't have to justify anything to me. I don't know you, and all I have to go by are your posts. Go back and reread your first post in this thread. Read it objectively. You have to admit you sound pretty selfish.

 

Yes, I am a man. I stand by my last post.

 

I do wish you luck and happiness however, I just hope you recognize it when you have it.

 

-Dazed

[ThumbingMyWay]

I take some of that back.....some of those were his opinions....

 

 

the bottom line is I dont know what your going thru...i can only state what I think.

 

AND no you are not wasting your time here. Please dont take it that way.

 

 

but in your last post, you said, "But what I don't want is to make the same mistakes in my next relationship."...again it seems like you have already made your decision.....

 

GO to counseling....take it all in....feel it, disect it and then make your decision.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It would be easy to "do what's right" if only I knew what that was. I wish there was a better word for selfish - I just don't know why or how NOT to be this way. I work hard to get what I want, therefore I feel I deserve what I get. I don't expect alot from other people and I share my good fortune with the ones I love. I know I'm responsible for my own happiness but I just don't feel loved anymore and it's a cycle that has been repeating itself for almost 5 years. I am generous with affection for my kids - they always come first.

 

I'm just so frustrated with my husband that I don't even know what to say to him anymore. We don't fight or argue, it's just alot of silence and one word answers to the same old questions "how was your day dear".

 

My counselling will start in a week or two. thanks again....what a great place to vent. I may get offended but please keep saying what you think - I need to hear what people have to say whether it's pretty or not.

[DazednConfused]

Oh never a worry there, we always say what we think on this site. that's what it's for....

 

I truly do wish you and your husband luck.

 

-Dazed

[ThumbingMyWay]

keep your head up m-w-c....

 

we are all here for you. When I found this site a few weeks ago, i thought it was a godsend......it has helped me tremendously....even though I didnt like some of things I read....I needed to hear them from a 3rd person point of view.

[PUHLEEEZE.....]

"I am generous with affection for my kids - they always come first. "....

 

If you REALLY loved your kids, you would put your HUSBAND first -- and make sure they continued to have a 2-parent household.

[jmargel]

No need to bash her. She's coming here for advice, not for a lecture. She's taken the first step in the process to help herself, which is to admit she has a problem.

 

Mom-wife, you need to decide for yourself if you want to stay in this marriage. Unfortunetly what the counselor is going to suggest is to break off all contact with this OM, and tell your husband about the affair.

 

OM and I are stepping back but keeping in touch as who knows what the future holds.

 

You can't hold onto this OM, and still try to work things out with your husband. That's not fair to your husband, the OM, and relationship you are in. It just won't work, trust me.

 

Read my link in my signature, it will help you. You sought to fill the void in your relationship with someone else. When you went to counseling, how often did you go? It's really not affective until you start going for quite awhile. It's a building up process. That may take months, even if you go weekly.

 

With regards to the house and the kids, you are looking way too far into the future. You need to focus on what is at hand here, which is counseling and if you want to continue your marriage.

 

There's obviously a breakdown of communication between you two, when did that start and why? It's apparent you both don't feel loved by the other, he's probably feeling alot of the same things you are. You get out of a relationship what you put into it.

 

You two have argued so much, that each of you feel helpless. To just save your sanity you decide not to get into any deep conversations, because maybe you are scared it will start an arguement. Again, please click on my link in my signature and see if any of it pretains to you. I'm sure it will.

 

Hang in there, it's a long process. You both have alot of healing to do. Yes your past may affect your behavior today, but that is only a part of the reasons why you two are having problems.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Hi. I read your link a couple of times, and yes I see myself in alot of it. It just seems like such a long hard road. It's been five years since the marriage started to fall apart, but it wasn't that great to begin with now that I see what it really should be about.

 

It was the right time in my life, he was the man in my life, and I had to talk him into marriage because he was chicken. I basically told him where he should be in ten years since he couldn't answer the question when I asked him it about 15 years ago.

 

He is great with the kids and around the house, and happy in his job, and that's enough for him, except for the part where we don't have much sex. He doesn't think that couple-time together is important. I wanted to schedule sex weekly just to get back on track and he didn't like that idea (it was on Oprah the day after I suggested it too!)

 

I may have just started coming on here, but I've been going through this for a long time. Our marriage counselling stopped when we finally told her what she wanted to hear, although we did reconnect for a while, but after two years, hubby started ignoring me again and I hadn't done anything wrong at that time.

 

I've been good for the last three years and I finally broke. So maybe it is time to end the marriage. I'm too tired, I don't have the energy to put into it anymore. He's just not an affectionate guy, a lousy kisser and lousy lovemaker....sorry, but that's the way things have always been with him.

 

I hid the fact that I masturbated for seven years, and then I found out he almost does it daily! That surprised the heck out of me, and I got to thinking that is why it took a year for me to get pregnant the first time.

 

As for the OM, I don't know....I know the statistics....but I've never ever been alone and I'm so scared.

[jmargel]

I can understand you being scared, but you shouldn't be with a person just so that you aren't alone. You can be alone and still be married or with someone (as you already know). If you are tired of trying to work on something that you don't have any passion in, then it's time for a break. Doesn't have to be a permanant one, but to live your own life for awhile. You two would then have to agree on who moves out.

 

Why did you two tell the counselor things she wanted to her, when it was not what you two were feeling? That doesn't make sense. It's almost like you two didn't want to face the issues in front of you. It takes effort to keep a relationship successful. Like I said before you get what you put into it. He probably still has alot of resentment or hurt regarding your past cheating as well. That would push him away emotionally.

 

My best suggestion would be to write him a letter, stating everything you are feeling. Also tell him about the cheating. He needs to know it all. Writing a letter will give you the chance to get everything out without getting into an arguement half way between what is being said.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by jmargel

... then it's time for a break. Doesn't have to be a permanant one, but to live your own life for awhile. You two would then have to agree on who moves out.

 

We did this 3 yrs ago, I moved in with my parents for 3 months. I fooled around for a month and the last 2 were spent working at getting back together, however it was more getting back to the way things were, not better.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

It's almost like you two didn't want to face the issues in front of you. It takes effort to keep a relationship successful. Like I said before you get what you put into it. He probably still has alot of resentment or hurt regarding your past cheating as well. That would push him away emotionally.

 

You hit the nail on the head. We always avoid issues. We're too much alike that way. I had an old boyfriend who always wanted to talk things to death. I was so happy my new one (husband) wasn't like that.

 

Originally posted by jmargel

My best suggestion would be to write him a letter, stating everything you are feeling. Also tell him about the cheating. He needs to know it all. Writing a letter will give you the chance to get everything out without getting into an arguement half way between what is being said.

 

OK I'm definitely not ready for that. LOL Maybe in a few weeks.

[PUHLEEEZE.....]

jmargel: Not bashing, just telling it like it is. Breaking your marriage vows by cheating on the father of your children is NOT showing them love or putting them first. Maybe the solution is to start honoring that vow and treating her husband with respect.

 

mom-wife-cheater: Forget the tell-all letter-writing, forget the other man. If your children mean as much to you as you say they do, just try one more time with your husband. Put HIM first... be the wife YOU would want to come home to every night. Wouldn't it all be worth it if you can end up as a family again?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by PUHLEEEZE.....

If your children mean as much to you as you say they do, just try one more time with your husband. Put HIM first... be the wife YOU would want to come home to every night. Wouldn't it all be worth it if you can end up as a family again?

 

I think alot of our problems stem from the fact that I have been unfaithful in the past and continue to hide my affairs. He suspects about the past, but has no details. If I come clean, who's to say that he will even want to try to continue this marriage with me?

 

I have to be the wife I'd want to come home to? He isn't being the husband I want to come home to - on the practical side, yes, but on the intimate and romantic side...he has never been someone I would run to with open arms, and his arms are never open. I go to kiss him goodbye in the morning and he sticks his lips out - I can't remember the last time I received a heartfelt hug from him for any reason.

[jmargel]

Mom-wife, was he affectionate when you two first met? My wife isn't the affectionate type and it took me awhile to realize that it wasn't me. It was just the way she developed by her past relationships, and her family, etc..

 

If he was affectionate before and not now, it's obvious that he's still hurt by the past cheating, and probably putting more hurt on suspecting that you have cheated again. Men can pick these things up, and he probably thinks if he asks you if you cheated, you will go ballastic just because of him asking. He wants to avoid confrontation.

 

Granted a couple shouldn't talk about things til the death, but avoiding issues is another thing. I would suggest counseling for yourself, then bring him into it. It would be easier for you then to tell him about your current affair. He probably won't be surprised, and I don't know if he'll even want to try again. But, he needs to have all the information so he can make his own decision. Otherwise he's living a life under false pretense. That's not fair to him, even if he has voided you alot of emotion, etc..

 

Puhleeze:

If your children mean as much to you as you say they do, just try one more time with your husband.

 

The relationship between her & husband, and her & her children are seperate. I would never recommend staying in a marriage for the sake of the children. By staying in a marriage because of that you are not sheltering them from hurt, but actually pulling them more into it. IMO it's better for them to learn that they need to be happy within' themselves and to be honest about their feelings, than to live a life basically telling them they should stay with their mate no matter what the reason is.

 

If they divorce, yes the children will be affected by it, but they are being just as affected if not worse by what they see their own parents doing to each other. Unforuntely there are twists and turns in life that one doesn't expect. Part of life is learning how to deal with these issues when they come up.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

He has never been the affectionate type. I was at first because it was a common complaint from my old boyfriend that I wasn't affectionate enough. Sometimes he'd smirk or laugh at me when I tried to hold his hand during a walk (in our younger days) - I think he thought it was silly. He has always made a point of trying to be different than anyone else (not the stereotypical couple in love, I suppose).

 

Anyway I am more of a clingy person and I need affection. I'm not huggy-kissy however, and that's also my upbringing.

 

I agree that the kids will be hurt by a loveless marriage and it is a separate issue. There are alot of different kinds of families in this world, and I don't shelter my children from this fact. They know what divorce is, they have friends who go back and forth on a weekly basis from one household to the other. Not every kid from a divorce ends up with all kinds of problems.

 

Once I have my first counselling appointment set up, I will tell my husband that I'm going. Then I will let him ask the questions as to why.

[PUHLEEEZE.....]

I suppose it doesn't do any good to ask this now, but if he was not the guy you wanted back then (not affectionate enough), why did you marry him?

 

I disagree that children are separate from the equation - they are the RESULT of it! You can't just make decisions based on what you want now.

 

You don't need to tell your husband about the affair(s). He probably already knows what you've been up to, and loves his children so much that he's decided to live with it. Do you really think any other man is ever going to love your kids that deeply? And you want to throw him out... (sigh)...

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by PUHLEEEZE.....

I suppose it doesn't do any good to ask this now, but if he was not the guy you wanted back then (not affectionate enough), why did you marry him?

 

I disagree that children are separate from the equation - they are the RESULT of it! You can't just make decisions based on what you want now.

 

You don't need to tell your husband about the affair(s). He probably already knows what you've been up to, and loves his children so much that he's decided to live with it. Do you really think any other man is ever going to love your kids that deeply? And you want to throw him out... (sigh)...

 

I married him because I was at that point in my life where I thought I should be getting married, and he was the guy and we had fun together and we didn't fight (unlike my previous relationship). I had to convince him to get married though.

 

No other man could love my kids the way my husband and I do. I don't expect that and I'm not looking for someone to take his place. The OM has to accept and love my kids, not just tolerate them if things get that far. I think I will be the one to leave unless I uncover some deep dark secrets about my husband in the process.

[hotgurl]

well in my opinion you probably married for the wrong reasons.

 

But you need to decided him or you. I say you because if you drop the h you should probably spend time on your own no men! figuring things out.

 

By the tone of your letter it sounds as if neither of you tried very hard to fix things. In every relationship there will be a down period a period where the passion fails and you start taking each other for granted ect.. Are you going to cheat in your next relationship when this happend? Are you going to talk and work it out or cheat and think I do a lot of great things I deserve my happiness to.

 

Drop the OM. If you want to work it out with your h you need to tell him. It doesn't matter if your afraid. Yes he might leave you but if you are to move forward you need a clean slate. How would you feel it the situation were reversed? Or what advice would you give you children if this were happening to them.