What can I do about my 17 yr old daughter/Is she a monster or disturbed??

[VivianLee]

It's hard to talk about this, even though y'all don't know me from "Adam's house cat" but I guess part of me hates to speak so negatively of my child.....however, I feel that my husband and I are at fault, I just need to find out what in the world to do....

 

Until my daughter was 13 (yeah I know, teenager), she was a kind, tenderhearted child towards us. Very well behaved and no problem at all...

 

Her public persona is still that way.....but at home, it's literally HELL ON EARTH!! She seems possessed!! I swear!!

 

Where to start?? I don't know how much of this is "teenage girl" and how much is "child is deeply disturbed"....I still remember being 17 but I have a different personality than my daughter....

 

Okay, it started when she was about 13, when she didn't get her way, she would pitched these hellacious fits and would basically verbally abuse me....

 

I found out that during this time (when her fits started, she always got angry when she didn’t get her way but the verbal abuse wasn’t there), her Daddy had told her that he had cheated on me (this is a full 4 months before he told me, I still think he is the biggest idiot for doing that and have never been able to forgive him) and was telling her how bad I was to him (as his excuse to cheat on me).....

 

After I found out about the affair, she told me what he had told her and proceeded to tell me that was why she was so hateful and mean to me, however…..

 

During our separation, she became a mess (understandably). She would have outbursts towards the both of us. Her fuss with me would be anything I was doing that wasn't giving her all the attention or if I wouldn't let her have her way....I mean it got so bad one time, she was just hysterical and had a knife and was saying she'd kill herself if she couldn't leave and live with someone else.

 

We immediately got her to counseling that lasted for several months and she got on meds, it seemed to level her off to the point that she was still a normal kid but her anger and emotions would stay at normal rates and she'd be rational....

 

The verbal abuse towards her Father and I stopped....

 

She decided to get off her meds (against our wishes) and it didn't take long for the behavior to start. I was homeschooling her at the time, I couldn't get her to do any school work. I'd ground and punish out the wazzoo but she still wouldn't do anything!!

 

We put her back into school (her choice) and because of her lack of interest for a couple of years while homeschooling, she was badly behind. It angered and frustrated her and when she gets anxious, her stomach stays in a state of upset. I wanted her to go back to counseling but she refused....

 

How do you physically make a teenager do something they don't want to do? I mean when she reaches that point of anger, I can ground her to the point of sitting in her room and staring at four walls and she doesn't care. My hubby and I stay consistent about it but it doesn't work...

 

My husband found out about my affair and told my daughter (ain't he just grand??? It's not that I wanted to protect myself, I would like to have protected my daughter since during both affairs her Daddy and I stayed together, she didn't HAVE to know...) so the verbal abuse has gotten worse.....

 

When she doesn't get her way now...she screams at me for hours.....(no matter what I say as far as punishment)...

 

I'm told...

 

"you are a whore"

"you are a loser"

"you do nothing for me" (I do EVERYTHING for her)

"you are the worse mother a person could have"

"why don't you leave?"

"why doesn't Daddy leave you for what you've done?"

"who are you sleeping with now?"

 

It goes on for hours.....

 

Then she belittles me when we are out together....

 

If I was a child or if this were coming from my husband, it would be labeled as verbal abuse...I consider it verbal abuse....

 

She is a completely different child in public or when she hasn't been crossed...

 

She has agreed to counseling. She's had two sessions. We had to sign an agreement that we wouldn't know what was said in the sessions NOR have we been able to talk to the doctor....our daughter did say the doctor told her she had anger issues (DUH)

 

One of the worse episodes was last Friday, she checked out of school for a counseling session. She comes by the house afterwards with 2 hours left of school. (she was constantly absent last year (due to her stomach, her grandmother dying and her grandfather almost dying and tardy so she failed the 11th grade, we were able to MAKE her go back to repeat but that was HELL ON EARTH) So we are not being slack at all on making her attend....I told her; “You have two hours, now you need to go back to school...

 

She just sat on the couch and smirked at me. I called her Daddy and told him what she was doing. She still sat there...

 

I said; "Okay, you refuse to go back to school for two hours (she has two core classes English and History for those 2 hours)....then you won't get on the computer for a week, no phone for a week, no going out for a week, all you do is go to school, work and church."

 

She said; "I'm fine with that."

 

Then she thought about it for a second and realized she was being pretty stupid and said; "Okay, I'll go!"

 

But she had to leave some sweet parting words....

 

"I hope something happens to me on the way there, you'll feel bad then, you'll have to be miserable the rest of your life" (she knows I have a fear of her wrecking since she had a wreck in June, totaling a car by flipping it...she had a concussion)...

 

"Why are you wanting me to leave?" "So you can talk to other men?" "So, who are you sleeping with now?"

 

"You are such an loser"

 

"You don't do anything I can be proud of"

 

"You do nothing for me"

 

Then she left....

 

Her Daddy and I may be losers as adults in a married relationship but other than the affairs (which are major no doubt) we have put our daughters feelings before ours. She's never wanted for anything...

 

I've done without to stay home with her. I have always been a room mother. Since I stayed at home, I was the one that taxied her and her friends to everything. I have made sure she feels special by giving her birthday parties and other special things.

 

For years we've had tons of her friends over in big groups and have taken them places or just had parties and movies nights for them...

 

For two weeks in a row, after the ballgame, I've basically catered a "after the ballgame meal" with all the foods that she and her friends like. We’re talking about 15-20 kids over and all the girls staying over for the night. I always cook a big breakfast for them afterwards and another meal if they stay even longer. I love doing this, it's what I wanted to do from the time I had her....

 

We've had some of her friends that come from bad homes stay with us for weeks and almost months. They tell her how much they wish we were her parent's (they also know about our affairs) and such....you can see that makes her proud BUT she doesn't see it when she loses her temper..

 

I try to realize she has a serious problem and to not take what she says to me personally. Plus I realize we failed her in our marriage. But y'all when you hear it almost every other day or sometimes once a day, you begin to question yourself, “am I a loser?” “would I be a better mother to her if I got a job?” “am I a whore?”

 

I'm not perfect nor have a been perfect, we married and had her so young BUT she has been loved and taken care of.....

 

But what hurts me is that I dread seeing her drive up from school. I don't want to go places with her. I hate feeling that way about my own child. I skipped church last night (driving back and forth to church-1hour there and back-is pure torture) so I didn't have to deal with her, she didn't feel like attending so she stayed home...I literally went in my room and slept rather than face her but did it in a way she wouldn't know I was avoiding her....

 

Also, I get compliments all the time from her teachers, other parent's and adults that are around her saying how good of a child she is and how well behaved she is. Even my parent's who are my worst critics tell me that my husband and I have done so well raising her? What the heck? Is my child Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde??

 

I know I sound like a wuss, I'm not, nothing works though....and if it does, she is going to make sure she runs her mouth and I get plenty of hurt from it...

 

What in the world y'all?? She has this year and the next before she graduates....I don't want to spend the next 2 years avoiding her and hurting. Plus, I want my child to be okay.

 

How much of this is normal and how much isn't? Any ideas, advice, sites or experiences is so very needed!! I'm just about tapped out.

[Guest]

If you were in New York I would suggest PINS: Persons in Need of Supervision. A description of the program can be found at http://www.courts.state.ny.us/courts/nyc/family/fcg_pins.shtml. It essentially gives the child a probation officer and can send the kid off to "juvie hall" if the infraction is bad enough.

 

See if the jurisdiction you live in has something similar.

[YellowLioness]

Your daughter obviously has alot of anger built up towards both you and your husband, and she is rightfullly angry. Both you and her father are messing with her head: you go to chuch, but cheat on eachother. What kind of message are you trying to send to her?

 

No wonder she's so angry. In her eyes, you don't practice what you preach, so why should she listen to you?

 

In this case, I think you will have to earn back the respect of your child, with out relinquishing your position as head of the family in her eyes.

 

I think you need to seek counciliing with her, and listen to what she has to say, even though you may not like it. She needs to deal with her anger towards you in a healthy manor.

 

I think that in order for healing to be complete, you will have to admit your failings to her, and promise to never cheat again. Otherwise, she will never fully trust you as a parent.

 

Also, it may help for you to stop making excuses for how your behavior has hurt her when you say, "she never wanted for anything. we always loved her."

 

Yes, you did love her. However, you also hurt her.

 

This is just my opinion. I grew up angry in a single parent home, and my mother never admitted her failures. I think that if she had we would be closer as adults. By punishing and punishing and not admitting that you were in error, you will only drive a rift between you and her.

[Moose]

Maybe it's just me, but after reading your post, it sounds like you're still treating her as a child. She's not. She's 17 years old. Not to brag, but at 17, I had a job, and I didn't live at home anymore. I finished school on my own even though it was the hardest thing in the world to go to school, then work and 8 hour shift.

 

I think that if you loosen your reigns a bit and dump more responsibilities on her, you'll see a change. Start by letting her know that you feel she's becoming an adult.

 

Our 16 year olds day:

 

Up at 6am, on the vo-tech bus at 7:20, takes bus to high school at 10am, may or may not come home at 3 depending on if he's got something going on with his buddies. When he does get home, typically we won't even ask where he's been. Normally he'll get his school work done, then his chores on the chart, then he's free to do whatever he wants. Be it go to a buddies, take in a movie, or just sit around and play the game boy.

 

We have a set of rules that are clearly laid out for him. If he does his chores to the letter, and as long as his grades are a B or above, (So the college courses count after high school), then we don't care if he comes or goes. I think that your daughter needs that kind of freedom, and to be treated as an adult.

 

Give it a try. Lay down the ground rules, then let her know, she's her own person and she now has the responsibility to get herself through school. Then watch and see how she reacts. I hardly see the boy anymore.....but when I do, we usually have a lot of catching up and it's a great time. We still monitor him closely just for the sake of making sure there isn't drugs or alcohol in his presence, but he really enjoys being his own person.

[VivianLee]

Your daughter obviously has alot of anger built up towards both you and your husband, and she is rightfullly angry. Both you and her father are messing with her head: you go to chuch, but cheat on eachother. What kind of message are you trying to send to her?

 

It's a horrible message, I admit but I think it (the message) would be that way )bad) if we went against anything our church considers a sin....no one is perfect and will sin, our sin however is one that happens to have a domino effect and hurts many, many people but most of all our daughter....we both are not living like that anymore but I totally understand her confusion, rebellion and disappointment!!

 

No wonder she's so angry. In her eyes, you don't practice what you preach, so why should she listen to you?

 

I understand that and she's said that very thing BUT where is the line drawn?? When does she listen? My affair ended almost 10 months ago....

 

In this case, I think you will have to earn back the respect of your child, with out relinquishing your position as head of the family in her eyes.

 

How does this happen??

 

I think that in order for healing to be complete, you will have to admit your failings to her, and promise to never cheat again. Otherwise, she will never fully trust you as a parent.

 

I have over and over again....she was this way towards me a full 4 years before I cheated....the cheating just made it worse....

 

Also, it may help for you to stop making excuses for how your behavior has hurt her when you say, "she never wanted for anything. we always loved her."

 

I wasn't making an excuse for my behavior, I was just stating something....

 

(thanks YellowLioness and please continue to respond)

 

Moose, she is pretty spoiled as far as respondsibility goes...she's an only child so it's been much easier to do things for her all this time than to have to deal with getting her to do it!

 

 

 

We have a set of rules that are clearly laid out for him. If he does his chores to the letter, and as long as his grades are a B or above, (So the college courses count after high school), then we don't care if he comes or goes. I think that your daughter needs that kind of freedom, and to be treated as an adult.

 

I never thought that giving her freedom could cause her to be more respondsible...good idea!!

 

Give it a try. Lay down the ground rules, then let her know, she's her own person and she now has the responsibility to get herself through school. Then watch and see how she reacts. I hardly see the boy anymore.....but when I do, we usually have a lot of catching up and it's a great time. We still monitor him closely just for the sake of making sure there isn't drugs or alcohol in his presence, but he really enjoys being his own person.

 

We will! It will be like moving a mountain but perhaps her freedom will make it worth it to her...

 

This summer she tried alcohol and got intoxicated....she had always been the one to be considered a "goody two shoes" among her friends....I wasn't so much upset that she tried...I know that happens BUT both sides of our family have addictive personalities and that scares me!!

 

Thanks for the advice!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Vivian, I've been right where you are. I'll spare you the long horrid details...but I was wondering, have any of these councillors done a drug screening yet?

[VivianLee]

She's stopped doing this as much but for a while there, she threatened to tell people about my affair...(my parent's and my husband's family knows)

 

I am associated with something that deals with people in the media in our state (and a bit around the US)....I am respected and known in the Southeast (obviously my name isn't VivianLee nor am I a "blue fairy" ) so yes, it would ruin my career if my affair became known (plus the person I was involved with is "known" in this same field)......worse of all, it would KILL the people in my church, devastate them (yep should have thought about that before I was stupid) so one of her favorite things was to say "how would ********* feel if they all knew about you and ******?"

 

I finally told her that she could shout it from the rooftops if she wanted to....I was tired of having it held over my head.

 

She backed down except one time she did get angry and cryptically said something.....

 

I promise I'm truly sorry for her pain....but how in the world can we move on as a family, for her Daddy and I as a couple and for me if she brings it up EVERY other day??

 

I try to think of it as my consequence...for doing something hurtful to her and her Daddy and I could go with that if I hadn't had to deal with this same thing for 4 yrs....she just didn't have "whore" to add to her names for me....

 

 

I love this child with all my heart. I want her to be whole and happy, I just don't know what it will take and I just get so down with hearing how she feels about me.....

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Vivian, I've been right where you are. I'll spare you the long horrid details...but I was wondering, have any of these councillors done a drug screening yet?

 

I'm sorry! I have been so long winded on this...I just don't have anyone to talk to because I hate for my daughter to be seen in a bad light by the people that know us.....

 

Could I suggest drug screening?? I wouldn't want my daughter to find out, it would hurt her if she is clean....

[She's Come Undone]

Have you ever just broken down and apologized to her? Asked her what can YOU do to make her feel better? Discuss what she thinks your mistakes were and how to fix the consequences?

 

You and your husband have SHATTERED her image of marriage and love. The fact that you and he are still together after both affairs is completely sending her the wrong message. Your husband broke a very serious boundary issue with her by talking about HIS marriage. Have you considered that she may react better if you two ended your marriage?

 

You should read "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin"...great book, life changing.

 

Have you considered that maybe she suffered a life-changing event at 13? Rape, incest, something she would be too ashamed to tell you, yet by acting out she wants you to figure it out?

 

This is so sad, but I'm sure there is a solution.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Could I suggest drug screening?? I wouldn't want my daughter to find out, it would hurt her if she is clean....

 

Never dismiss the possibility that there may be something more going on here than your average "teenage rebellion." Particularly when it escalates to these levels. Many parents make the mistake of thinking "not my kid!"…but most of us would be totally astounded if we actually knew what our adolescents were doing when we're not around.

 

Much of this will depend on the field of expertise your councilor is most experienced in. Perhaps, after a couple of initial sessions they will either consider the possibility or discount it. It will also depend on how "truthful" your daughter is during her sessions.

 

Secondly, please stop caving into your residual guilt. You're daughter is using your affair as an "excuse" to punish you. It's your weak spot, and she d*mn well knows it. It's simply a way she's found to manipulate you --- emotional extortion. If it wasn't this, she would be likely to find something else to use against you. In the eyes of a teenager, NO parent (especially their own) is perfect.

 

It's my hope that after the first initial meetings with your daughter, your councilor will invite you and your husband to join the sessions. You can't "rescue" a child unless the entire family (or support system) becomes involved. You will all need to share your input in order to find resolution to the underlying family problems, as well as learning coping strategies for all parties involved.

 

Remember---councilors are not "gods" and they make mistakes. Methods vary from professional to professional. If after a couple of months you can see no progress or improvement, don't be afraid to ask questions. And if you're unhappy with the results, don't hesitate to seek out another councilor who may be more qualified. I went through four of them with my daughter before I found one who was finally worth the money.

 

If you need some support from someone who's already been there, please feel free to PM.

[quankanne]

I love this child with all my heart. I want her to be whole and happy, I just don't know what it will take and I just get so down with hearing how she feels about me.....

 

time to practice some tough love, mom. start giving her responsibilities (gradually, though, so she's not overwhelmed by the change) and tie those in with rewards.

 

when she starts calling you all those horrible things, it's because she wants to see how far she can push the line before you respond. and if you continue to respond as you have been, she's not going to give you the respect you've merited as her parent. stand up to her bullying: tell her you understand that she's upset by what happened so long ago, but that was then, and this is now, and you don't have anymore patience with her rude and inconsiderate behavior. If she wants to be pissed off with you, fine; just make sure it's about something in the here and now, not about a long-dead event like your affair.

 

I think that in order for healing to be complete, you will have to admit your failings to her, and promise to never cheat again. Otherwise, she will never fully trust you as a parent .... However, you also hurt her.

 

I'm interpreting this as conflicting advice, YL: the apology is a good idea, but on the one hand it's presuming that VL's daughter will act like an adult rather than the troubled teen that she is. Promising her things isn't realistic, because there's no way to ensure that a promise -- any promise -- will be or can be kept. Things happen, and a promise can be negated. Adults understand that because they've had the experience of those promises not being fulfilled and they understand that they've got to be flexible. Children don't.

 

Bottom line? do as Moose suggests and gradually give her responsibilities to help her mature in a healthy way. Don't stand for her talking sh*t to you; she does it because she knows she can. Get counselling for yourself, and her dad, too, so that you can both be better equipped to deal with what's going on.

 

last of all, look in the phone book or go online and look for the nearest Parents Anonymous chapter to you. They've also got programs to help supply you with the needed tools to raise your child.

 

you ask about the drug screening: actually, at her age (and if insurance will cover it) she should have a complete physical to make sure all the equipment (hormones, body systems and parts) are working. You can request a drug screening as part of it, as well as an overall blood chemical screening to rule out certain things.

 

not to scare you or upset you, but your first defense is to have your child medically examined. My boss's oldest grand-daughter was having trouble several years ago, and the family put it down to her not adjusting well to Mommy and Daddy going through a divorce.

 

Turned out that the child had a brain tumor, and her counselor was just shy of recommending a fully battery of medical tests to rule out any physical factors! (long story short: operation was successful, and now Megan is a relatively healthy 13-year-old, though because she was under medical care for so long, it seems she's more at ease with adults than peers her age, and she's going to be on certain medications the rest of her life because of the damage done by the tumor/surgery).

 

good luck with things, and let us know if we can be of any more help,

quank

[VivianLee]

Have you ever just broken down and apologized to her? Asked her what can YOU do to make her feel better? Discuss what she thinks your mistakes were and how to fix the consequences?

 

 

Yes, that is the first and foremost thing I did and have done....but again, the anger and behavior towards me was there before the affair...

 

You and your husband have SHATTERED her image of marriage and love. The fact that you and he are still together after both affairs is completely sending her the wrong message. Your husband broke a very serious boundary issue with her by talking about HIS marriage. Have you considered that she may react better if you two ended your marriage?

 

She has wanted us to divorce. She has always romantized divorced homes because she said her best friend (that's parent's are divorced) was able to get "much more" (material things) because her parents were trying to get her to love the other parent more. When her Daddy and I were separated, she loved telling her friends "I'm going to my Dad's" or "I'm going to my Mom's".....she would love for us to be divorced.....but should a couple divorce for that reason?? Plus, she leave for college in less than 2 yrs...

 

Have you considered that maybe she suffered a life-changing event at 13? Rape, incest, something she would be too ashamed to tell you, yet by acting out she wants you to figure it out?

 

There was a life-changing event when she was 12/13.......it wasn't rape or incest but a horrible family rift between my Mama and my husband (it was not my hubby's fault....and my Daddy disagreed with my mother)....my mother kinda of went off the deep end during menopause (she got on meds and got counseling) but basically told me that God told her that my husband was abusing my daughter....he hadn't of course, even my Daddy was upset at her for doing this (she has always accused him of looking at women, she even painted their windows so he couldn't look out at the pool next door...oh that's a whole nother story) but anyway....when mother told me what she thought, for the first time in my life, I became estranged from her and she started stalking my husband and all kinds of scary things.

We started counseling immediately for my daughter and she was scared to death (according to the counselor) that my Mama would kill my husband or her.....it was scary there for a while and she slandered my husband horribly (she's well known and respected in this area).....and no one would believe she had lost it!

 

Finally after her begging and pleading for me to let her back in my life, I told her if she got counseling and truly took back what she said, I'd consider it. Well, when she told her counselor what she thought, child services were immediately called in and we were investigated. My daughter was so innocent that she didn't understand some of the very embarrassing questions the investigator asked her. He went on to investigate my mother. I had someone that was in the child service dept and found out the man said that my mother ought to be ashamed for putting my daughter and her Daddy through this. My mother didn't like the man because he asked her some things about her behavior...

 

Oh goodness, this is something that I really didn't want to relive but maybe it will shed some light on things.....I stood by my daughter during this time and tried to protect her from my Mama and harm...I stood by my husband and this eventually sent him into horrible depression....

 

Anyway, if she was angry at anyone 4 years earlier, it was my mother.......

 

My mother is back in our lives, mentally better.....

[VivianLee]

EnigmaXOXO and quankanne...I was busy writing the other post then submitted before I saw what you wrote....

I'm running out of time for privacy at home so I can't address all that you wrote but I read your posts thoroughly and as others, y'all have given sound advice that I plan to take...also I will be PMing you!!

 

 

When I look back at all my threads on different subjects, it sounds like the Perils of Pauline!! But I promise, as bad as things can be and have been....there are plenty more happy times that mean the most and life is good and I'm thankful to be healthy, alive and to be surrounded by people that love me....people nor life is perfect...

 

Okay now I will get back to venting!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Same exact scenerio Vivian.

 

Which leads me to ask...do you have the "good cop vs. bad cop" situation in your home?

 

Does your husband spoil while leaving you to handle most of the discipline?

 

Just wondering.

[loveregardless]

is that at this point the only one who can help her is herself...she is not a child and therefore you cannot make her do anything...and no matter how much you want it for her, you can't fix her...she has to do it for herself...does your daughter like to read? I know a lot of great reading that I could suggest to you if you are interested. Would your daughter be interested in joining a yoga class...i think that would work wonders for her...the point is that she is going to go through what she has to go through until she can get to a point where she has decided that she wants to change and that she wants to get better...and one day she will...one day she will get fed up with herself...I would love to suggest more to you however I am desperately afraid of being attacked for anything I say so if you are interested(as my case is strikingly similar to your daughters and I put my parents through the exact hell that you are going through now-suicide threats and all) then you can pm me and I would be happy to talk with you further. I am sorry that you are going through this however...it is very hard to remain objective when being constantly emotionally abused...but please remember that it is not your daughters true heart speaking...it is her issues/anger/disorder...one day it will get better and she will apoligize and tell you how sorry she is that she put you through all of this...until then...don't lose faith...

[VivianLee]

Which leads me to ask...do you have the "good cop vs. bad cop" situation in your home?

 

Does your husband spoil while leaving you to handle most of the discipline?

 

Just wondering.

 

He used to, especially during his affair but we have been a united front as far as parenting and dicipline for the past 3 years...

My parenting never changed when I was having my affair...

 

 

Originally posted by loveregardless

is that at this point the only one who can help her is herself...she is not a child and therefore you cannot make her do anything...and no matter how much you want it for her, you can't fix her...she has to do it for herself...does your daughter like to read? I know a lot of great reading that I could suggest to you if you are interested. Would your daughter be interested in joining a yoga class...i think that would work wonders for her...the point is that she is going to go through what she has to go through until she can get to a point where she has decided that she wants to change and that she wants to get better...and one day she will...one day she will get fed up with herself...I would love to suggest more to you however I am desperately afraid of being attacked for anything I say so if you are interested(as my case is strikingly similar to your daughters and I put my parents through the exact hell that you are going through now-suicide threats and all) then you can pm me and I would be happy to talk with you further. I am sorry that you are going through this however...it is very hard to remain objective when being constantly emotionally abused...but please remember that it is not your daughters true heart speaking...it is her issues/anger/disorder...one day it will get better and she will apoligize and tell you how sorry she is that she put you through all of this...until then...don't lose faith...

 

Thanks, that is another angle to look from!! Unfortuantely she hates to read (unlike me, I read a book or two a week) but one thing that has helped (a little) is the respondsibility of a part time job....she has really stuck with it and has a good work ethic....

 

I will PM y'all when I can (probably tomorrow)...like a said before, my privacy can be an issue at times!

[YellowLioness]

I was very angry, too, as a child. I suppose I feel if my own mother had admitted her mistakes, then I wouldn't have the strange and complex relationship that I do with her.

 

But, since you have already admitted your mistakes, and she is simply using that information to hurt you, I'd suggest what Moose said, and turn her loose.

 

She knows you feel bad, already. Now, it's time for her to grow up.

 

Set some basic house rules down, let her know what you expect in return for the freedom, and continue going with her to therapy.

 

Alot of her issues she will have to work through herself, but if you retain the position of supportive parent, this could draw you closer as mother and daughter.

 

I think that Quank and some others made very good points about having her medically checked out. She may have a disorder, such as bi-polar, or depression.

 

She also may be on drugs. When my little brother started doing coke, his personality changed. He was angry and hateful constantly, as well as verbally abusive.

 

Just don't give up on her. The fact that you care about her is going to help both you and her out in the long run. Try not to allow yourself to get in fights with her; keep the upper hand with out being cold.

 

Punish her when you deem necessary, just try to be impersonal about it. Like..."you didn't go to school, and since your actions were not what we agreed on as "acceptable," I'm going to (take away the phone, the car, the tv, her cd player, cd's...whatever you choose).

 

Try not to make it seem like it's a personal failing of hers, and if she tries to make you feel guilty for what you're doing, stand firm.

 

When you stand by your rules, what you're saying is, "I care about you enough to put us both through this so that you'll learn."

 

 

If she's cold to you about it, don't let it get under your skin. She wants a reaction from you, she wants to make you as angry as she is. You can't let yourself fall to her level.

 

Even though she is 16, and needs to learn to take care of herself, emotionally she is still somewhat of a child, which means you have to take the emotional high road when it comes to fighting with her.

 

I hope this helps.

[Moose]

DANG YL!!!!

 

What are we going to do with out you!!!!?????

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by VivianLee

It's hard to talk about this, even though y'all don't know me from "Adam's house cat" but I guess part of me hates to speak so negatively of my child.....however, I feel that my husband and I are at fault, I just need to find out what in the world to do....

 

Until my daughter was 13 (yeah I know, teenager), she was a kind, tenderhearted child towards us. Very well behaved and no problem at all...

 

Her public persona is still that way.....but at home, it's literally HELL ON EARTH!! She seems possessed!! I swear!!

 

Where to start?? I don't know how much of this is "teenage girl" and how much is "child is deeply disturbed"....I still remember being 17 but I have a different personality than my daughter....

 

Okay, it started when she was about 13, when she didn't get her way, she would pitched these hellacious fits and would basically verbally abuse me....

 

I found out that during this time (when her fits started, she always got angry when she didn’t get her way but the verbal abuse wasn’t there), her Daddy had told her that he had cheated on me (this is a full 4 months before he told me, I still think he is the biggest idiot for doing that and have never been able to forgive him) and was telling her how bad I was to him (as his excuse to cheat on me).....

 

After I found out about the affair, she told me what he had told her and proceeded to tell me that was why she was so hateful and mean to me, however…..

 

During our separation, she became a mess (understandably). She would have outbursts towards the both of us. Her fuss with me would be anything I was doing that wasn't giving her all the attention or if I wouldn't let her have her way....I mean it got so bad one time, she was just hysterical and had a knife and was saying she'd kill herself if she couldn't leave and live with someone else.

 

We immediately got her to counseling that lasted for several months and she got on meds, it seemed to level her off to the point that she was still a normal kid but her anger and emotions would stay at normal rates and she'd be rational....

 

The verbal abuse towards her Father and I stopped....

 

She decided to get off her meds (against our wishes) and it didn't take long for the behavior to start. I was homeschooling her at the time, I couldn't get her to do any school work. I'd ground and punish out the wazzoo but she still wouldn't do anything!!

 

We put her back into school (her choice) and because of her lack of interest for a couple of years while homeschooling, she was badly behind. It angered and frustrated her and when she gets anxious, her stomach stays in a state of upset. I wanted her to go back to counseling but she refused....

 

How do you physically make a teenager do something they don't want to do? I mean when she reaches that point of anger, I can ground her to the point of sitting in her room and staring at four walls and she doesn't care. My hubby and I stay consistent about it but it doesn't work...

 

My husband found out about my affair and told my daughter (ain't he just grand??? It's not that I wanted to protect myself, I would like to have protected my daughter since during both affairs her Daddy and I stayed together, she didn't HAVE to know...) so the verbal abuse has gotten worse.....

 

When she doesn't get her way now...she screams at me for hours.....(no matter what I say as far as punishment)...

 

I'm told...

 

"you are a whore"

"you are a loser"

"you do nothing for me" (I do EVERYTHING for her)

"you are the worse mother a person could have"

"why don't you leave?"

"why doesn't Daddy leave you for what you've done?"

"who are you sleeping with now?"

 

It goes on for hours.....

 

Then she belittles me when we are out together....

 

If I was a child or if this were coming from my husband, it would be labeled as verbal abuse...I consider it verbal abuse....

 

She is a completely different child in public or when she hasn't been crossed...

 

She has agreed to counseling. She's had two sessions. We had to sign an agreement that we wouldn't know what was said in the sessions NOR have we been able to talk to the doctor....our daughter did say the doctor told her she had anger issues (DUH)

 

One of the worse episodes was last Friday, she checked out of school for a counseling session. She comes by the house afterwards with 2 hours left of school. (she was constantly absent last year (due to her stomach, her grandmother dying and her grandfather almost dying and tardy so she failed the 11th grade, we were able to MAKE her go back to repeat but that was HELL ON EARTH) So we are not being slack at all on making her attend....I told her; “You have two hours, now you need to go back to school...

 

She just sat on the couch and smirked at me. I called her Daddy and told him what she was doing. She still sat there...

 

I said; "Okay, you refuse to go back to school for two hours (she has two core classes English and History for those 2 hours)....then you won't get on the computer for a week, no phone for a week, no going out for a week, all you do is go to school, work and church."

 

She said; "I'm fine with that."

 

Then she thought about it for a second and realized she was being pretty stupid and said; "Okay, I'll go!"

 

But she had to leave some sweet parting words....

 

"I hope something happens to me on the way there, you'll feel bad then, you'll have to be miserable the rest of your life" (she knows I have a fear of her wrecking since she had a wreck in June, totaling a car by flipping it...she had a concussion)...

 

"Why are you wanting me to leave?" "So you can talk to other men?" "So, who are you sleeping with now?"

 

"You are such an loser"

 

"You don't do anything I can be proud of"

 

"You do nothing for me"

 

Then she left....

 

Her Daddy and I may be losers as adults in a married relationship but other than the affairs (which are major no doubt) we have put our daughters feelings before ours. She's never wanted for anything...

 

I've done without to stay home with her. I have always been a room mother. Since I stayed at home, I was the one that taxied her and her friends to everything. I have made sure she feels special by giving her birthday parties and other special things.

 

For years we've had tons of her friends over in big groups and have taken them places or just had parties and movies nights for them...

 

For two weeks in a row, after the ballgame, I've basically catered a "after the ballgame meal" with all the foods that she and her friends like. We’re talking about 15-20 kids over and all the girls staying over for the night. I always cook a big breakfast for them afterwards and another meal if they stay even longer. I love doing this, it's what I wanted to do from the time I had her....

 

We've had some of her friends that come from bad homes stay with us for weeks and almost months. They tell her how much they wish we were her parent's (they also know about our affairs) and such....you can see that makes her proud BUT she doesn't see it when she loses her temper..

 

I try to realize she has a serious problem and to not take what she says to me personally. Plus I realize we failed her in our marriage. But y'all when you hear it almost every other day or sometimes once a day, you begin to question yourself, “am I a loser?” “would I be a better mother to her if I got a job?” “am I a whore?”

 

I'm not perfect nor have a been perfect, we married and had her so young BUT she has been loved and taken care of.....

 

But what hurts me is that I dread seeing her drive up from school. I don't want to go places with her. I hate feeling that way about my own child. I skipped church last night (driving back and forth to church-1hour there and back-is pure torture) so I didn't have to deal with her, she didn't feel like attending so she stayed home...I literally went in my room and slept rather than face her but did it in a way she wouldn't know I was avoiding her....

 

Also, I get compliments all the time from her teachers, other parent's and adults that are around her saying how good of a child she is and how well behaved she is. Even my parent's who are my worst critics tell me that my husband and I have done so well raising her? What the heck? Is my child Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde??

 

I know I sound like a wuss, I'm not, nothing works though....and if it does, she is going to make sure she runs her mouth and I get plenty of hurt from it...

 

What in the world y'all?? She has this year and the next before she graduates....I don't want to spend the next 2 years avoiding her and hurting. Plus, I want my child to be okay.

 

How much of this is normal and how much isn't? Any ideas, advice, sites or experiences is so very needed!! I'm just about tapped out.

 

Your first mistake-home schooling...you still doing that? Don't. Don't allow her to walk over you any more. There comes a point in time where counselling doesn't do ANYTHING for teenagers....when you've got rage issues like that, it doesn't help.

 

The only thing I'm aware of that helps is moving out of the house. Maturity will calm her down eventually, if she doesn't get into substance abuse.

 

You f*cked up. Your HUSBAND f*cked up. Your daughter is now taking that to the extreme. She's using this to her own advantage now-children turn crazy when they go through adolesence.

 

I agree with YL. She's probably at least drinking and smoking dope. The rage and name calling are probably uncontrollable for her-when I was younger, my own parents thought I may be bi polar due to my extreme uncontrollable anger and rages-she KNOWS hurting you is wrong, but when she feels that anger rising in the back of her throat it just comes out, in hurtful words (be thankful she's not punching you)it's like a stream of viciousness that she can't check, because she's angry. Almost like she steps back and lets this angry person take over, and all she can do is watch.

 

 

She's NOT done hurting you yet. What she needs is a job, and to pay for her own things for a while. Plan her own life. Allow her to see how good she has it now without actually telling her (causes resentment)

[Mr Spock]

Oops. Ok so she has a job.

 

PS-I wasn't bipolar. Just a b*tch.

[loveregardless]

PS-I wasn't bipolar. Just a b*tch.

I was both.

[YellowLioness]

Ohhh, I'll miss you too, Moose.

 

Anyway,

 

my own parents thought I may be bi polar due to my extreme uncontrollable anger and rages-she KNOWS hurting you is wrong, but when she feels that anger rising in the back of her throat it just comes out, in hurtful words (be thankful she's not punching you)it's like a stream of viciousness that she can't check, because she's angry. Almost like she steps back and lets this angry person take over, and all she can do is watch.

 

Pretty much. I had a hard time dealing with life when I was growing up, as well. I was extremely angry, though I kept most of it bottled up inside as I was not allowed to express any negative feelings because I, "didn't have that much to deal with! Wait until you try to raise a child by yourself, THEN you can get angry!"

 

The only thing that helped out my anger was to get away from my mom: involving myself in lots of activities in high school, going to a college far from my home, and finally moving out as soon as I graduated college.

 

Although the situation is different, that may be the only thing that gives her peace of mind in the long run. She needs to realize how much you do (did) for her so that she can appreciate you, and look at the situation more objectively.

[shortbus74]

When I was a teenager I put my mother thru hell! But, I can honestly say if I could take it all back today I would... My mother would do anything in the world for me...

 

hope things get better for you....

[FolderWife]

You don't believe in hitting, do you. If I'd talked to my mother like that, my dad would've knocked me into the floor. She is going to grow up to be a loser. She won't have a job, and she'll be a spiteful little b*tch, because you are letting her by with it.

 

Why don't you kick her out? She's old enough. If she says something to you, tell her that if she says anything like that ever again, you'll throw her out. When she says something, shove her out the door, and lock the door behind her. Throw all of her clothes out on the lawn. You are paying for her car I assume....why? Why would you do ANYTHING for someone who treats you like that???? You wouldn't support your husband if he talked to you that way!!! Take her car. Sell it. Use the money to buy yourself a big screen TV, or for the down payment on your own car. Don't GIVE her anything. No telephone, no car, no new clothes, no money, no freedom, no NOTHING! Tell her that if she ever wants to see the light of day again, she's going to treat you with the respect that someone who's giving her a free ride should expect! You support her. You take care of her. She treats you like sh*t. My parents threatened me with kicking me out all the time. I hated them for it, but they were right. I lived in THEIR house, THEY gave me a ride to work, THEY fed me....so how dare I back talk them.

 

Would you let a stranger treat you this way? Would you let your husband treat you this way? I'd back hand her. I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I understand that you don't want to hit her though. Take a hammer to her computer. Burn her clothes. Don't let her have anything. She doesn't appreciate anything you have given her.

 

Why oh why are you so good to someone who treats you like this. Demand respect and kindness from her, and if she doesn't provide it, let her go.

[FolderWife]

You cater parties for her and her friends? Do you think she DESERVES that???