still screwed up

[digger]

Today marks 7 months since i was served with divorce papers and 1 month since it was final and Im not a damn bit better. The unthinkable happened to me (divorce) from the love of my life. We were laughing on Xmas. I was getting big smiles when she opened her gifts and joyously exclaimed "how did you know". She had written me cards on my birthday just last October saying 'stay with me forever". Then March 1st and the hate set in. And my 16 yr old daughter has come up with some lame excuse to not speak to me in 4 months. Like mother like daughter. And they have made overtures of moving 500 miles away--like they just can throw me to the trash but if theyre happy with ach other thats all that matters.

I still cry at night. I keep hoping any minute one will call. Never a ring. I cant afford counseling but i went to see a preist and about all i got was a nodding of the head--or shaking it NO. Ive been conversing with the girl i went with before i met my wife. Shes in an unhappy marriage and weve talked about maybe hooking up but her southern twang kinda turns me off and lets face it, shes not the woman i loved for 21 years.

And yesterday, as illegal as it may be, i found out another shocker. From a close personal freind at the bank. I asked him to check my wifes account which he did. After having a balance for several months of about $500, turns out she is having a check depsoited today for $9000. I just know (even tho its hers now) that shes cleaning out the retirement fund i worked so hard to build up over 20 years. She never had a regard for money and I guess this proves it. Even if we reconciled, there probably wouldnt be much to go back to (with the exception of her). My mom has read hateful letters from her and said "why would u wanna go back to that"? Well beacuse of 21 years and Im easy to forgive. I want to work on it and she refuses counseling. About the only hope i get is when i talk to ppl and they say "give her time". I dont know whether I should or not but I know I'll keep hoping and praying. I know what you will all say. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!

thats SO DAMNED HARD AFTER SO LONG A TIME. i'M JUST AT A LOSS. Please respond but please dont give me the same ole "get over her". I dont think i ever will and I dont know how it can seemingly be so easy for her.

[Jilly10340]

What happened to make her want a divorce? Did you guys fight, did she cheat, what?

 

How has your relationship been for the past 21 years?

[digger]

she says its been building over 10 years and maybe i didnt see it--there was no reason to see it cause she never acted unhappy....and yeah we'd been cold but only over her accusations continually accusing me of doing stuff and going so far as to throw my clothes in the yard after staying out late for the 1st night in 7 years--just having a few beers and then getting home at the ungodly hour of 1030. But honestly--there have been 40 different reasons given by her. Its everything!!!! I smoke--i do this, that, i worry about money to much..im stressed at work,,but it boils down to her 'I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE" which i find hard to conceive knowing that 2 weeks before the papers she was laying her head on my shoulder at night and kissing me goodbye in the morning. And no there cant be anyone else or she wouldnt be so hell bent to move away would she?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by digger

 

[sNIP] I dont know whether I should or not but I know I'll keep hoping and praying. I know what you will all say. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!

 

thats SO DAMNED HARD AFTER SO LONG A TIME. i'M JUST AT A LOSS. Please respond but please dont give me the same ole "get over her". I dont think i ever will and I dont know how it can seemingly be so easy for her.

 

I know it's hard. Very hard. You can't turn feelings off like a light switch.

 

I don't mean to sound discouraging, but it appears highly unlikely that your ex will reconsider. She appears firmly resolved that she has done the right thing, & she's moving on with her life. This may appear to be easy for her, but you really can't know for sure. You don't know what her feelings are. You know only that she is resolved to put this stage of her life behind her and move forward. The sooner you do likewise the better.

 

 

As for the $9K out of the retirement fund, you probalby want to contact your attorney about that. You don't have to mention your friend looking in her bank account, instead state that in checking YOUR accounts, you have found an unexplained/unauthorized withdrawl.

 

Incidentally, this action speaks very loud volumes as to what she has turned into.

[findinmyway]

I can't really relate to your story and my advice isn't worth much anyway. However, I have been through pretty severe "D" trauma. My H and I were D three years ago. Ultimately it was because I had an affair. However, years prior to that I made him fully aware of things he was doing that I couldn't live with. So, he wasn't too shocked by any of the events.

 

He and I are living together because we didn't handle the whole D thing very well. We have two small kids and neither of us were able to let go. So many things have happened since we've divorced, with other people, and things we've done to each other....it is just not the same anymore. We have recently concluded that it's not only not the same, it could never work again.

 

My point is....I think D is the hardest thing ever to deal with....even death of a spouse. In that case, it's final, there's no wondering, what-ifs, yaddy yaddy. The best thing you could do right now is to make a decision and stick to it. If you want to make things work with your wife, tell her that. But, know that you can only tell her how you feel. You can't convince her to change her mind or actions. Be honest with her and let her know how you feel, what you want, and that you realize you can't convince her of anything.

 

Keep the lines of communication open and make it clear what you want, but try to move on with things. By knowing that you are clear with her of where you stand, maybe you can resume your normal daily activities knowing you've done all you can do. Once your daily activities don't completely revolve around your D, maybe you'll be able to move on with other things. Eventually, you will have either completely moved on or after time, she will have a change of heart and you guys can have a second chance. Try not to dwell on the hope of a second chance though.

 

I know all of this is easier said than done. As hard as it is to believe right now, things will change and even get better. You won't have a choice. You can avoid a lot of heartache if you take her actions for what they are and don't live in fantasy land.

 

From the sound of things, you deserve better anyway.

[Ladyjane14]

I read through a great many of your previous posts. And I saw alot about what she did and not much of what YOU did that caused the dissolution of your marriage.

 

I think you'll need to take some responsibility for the way it turned out. Recognise where you made mistakes. How can you get past this when you're not truly accepting what your part in it was?

 

Wear the hair shirt for a few days, then FORGIVE yourself.

 

Life is all about learning. Learn from this relationship, so you'll have more to offer in the next one.

 

Speaking of which ---> Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and ask some unattached, attractive lady out on a date. You'll feel better when you're taking action. Get out of the house, and get some exercise. Buy some new clothes and get a new look. Get out into the dating scene. (With real people, btw, not cyber people)

 

Sorry. I know you didn't want to hear "move on", but if you'll focus on the verb and get "moving", I truly think you'll start to feel better.