Nattie Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I just have to say, all of you on here struggling with NC, I applaud you. This flat out sucks. I never dreamed it would be this difficult, and my relationship with xMOM wasn't even as advanced or emotional as many of yours. Here's a little update... I think I'm at about one week NC (well.. somewhat LC, I'll explain..) Honestly I haven't even been keeping track. I'm trying to stay really busy, because when I sit around and get to thinking, the anxiety kicks in. Not just missing him, but I'm trying to focus on my marriage as well. Friday I saw him in public. He was talking to someone, and did not see me. If he had, he would have tried talking to me for sure. I got out of there, FAST, but as you can imagine, it stirred up a bunch of no good feelings inside. Needless to say, Fri night and Sat. were really, really rough days for me. I find myself so curious to know if he's trying to call or txt. A part of me says "unblock him, you can just read the texts and not respond back" but what good would that do? None. I know it, we all know it. It's opening a door, that shouldn't be opened. Soo... he remains blocked, on phone and on FB, as he tried messaging me on there after I sent the NC txt last week. Yesterday, I'm grocery shopping and the stupid song that makes me think of him came on, full blast. I'm literally holding back a dry heave as I choose a cereal for my kids... I know this will start to get easier, but when? I'm happy in my decision. I never wanted to end up with this guy, so the bottom line is it HAD to end. I do feel like the worst is somewhat behind me, because mentally I'm in a much better place than I was Fri&Sat. I can't imagine breaking NC and starting this hell all over again, it would be like going backwards down a neverending flight of stairs. I fully admit that I have been blindsided by how hard this is, I genuinely thought we could, and would stop easily once it had run it's course, but I was wrong. I have found the support and encouragement on this forum to be so helpful, thank you everyone, and stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hang in there. Keep reminding yourself you are doing the right thing. I hate it when music, scents, places trigger vivid memories for me. I've been using a CBT tool, "stop thought" a lot. It helps. Google it. I've been feeling a lot stronger lately...it has been about two months since the end of my relationship with exMM. We've been in and out of NC. I had to wean myself off a bit. It is finally feeling better to not have contact with him. I am no longer wondering about him all the time. You will get there. I can imagine having a husband makes it a lot more complicated. Does your H know about your affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hi Nattie, Yep, it sucks more than anything. And it's incredibly hard. AND I AM NOT TRYING TO DISCOURAGE YOU, but one week out... it's going to get harder before it gets easier. I banned music. Every song seemed to remind me of him or speak of my pain (I'm a country music fan LOL:laugh:). The only music I listened to what in the subliminal recordings I listened to. Don't think of the big picture... one day at a time. Be strong. Hang in there and remember NC is for YOU. It's not about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hang in there. Keep reminding yourself you are doing the right thing. I hate it when music, scents, places trigger vivid memories for me. I've been using a CBT tool, "stop thought" a lot. It helps. Google it. I've been feeling a lot stronger lately...it has been about two months since the end of my relationship with exMM. We've been in and out of NC. I had to wean myself off a bit. It is finally feeling better to not have contact with him. I am no longer wondering about him all the time. You will get there. I can imagine having a husband makes it a lot more complicated. Does your H know about your affair? No, he doesn't. I just made such a mess... for no reason. Nobody benefits in the end. I wish I had found this forum and read some of these experiences before letting it cross the line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Made it through day 4 yesterday. My problem is I'm on the internet all day. I have to be for work. Mind wanders boom. I'm going away Thursday so if i can just make it until then, i have 5 easy days. It's torture. Why am I torturing myself? i woke up from a sound sleep at 3 15 total anxiety. I've wasted years on this. I jsut want it to end. it has literally brought me to my knees. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 Made it through day 4 yesterday. My problem is I'm on the internet all day. I have to be for work. Mind wanders boom. I'm going away Thursday so if i can just make it until then, i have 5 easy days. It's torture. Why am I torturing myself? i woke up from a sound sleep at 3 15 total anxiety. I've wasted years on this. I jsut want it to end. it has literally brought me to my knees. I'm sorry you are going through such hell. I really think it's worse than a regular breakup, because you're doing it alone, and sometimes it isn't your choice, it's just what has to be done. You're always wondering what could have been. I've been told that time heals all... you CAN make it until Thursday, and then the five days that follow... and everyday after that! I was wondering to myself this morning, why do we give THEM the power to make us feel this way? I know xMM has tried contacting me, but I very highly doubt (in fact, I know) that he isn't letting this cripple his life. We should never let ourselves feel like this at the hands of someone else... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 He sent me a text from a different freaking number! Ugh... I want to throw up, and talk to him at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 Nattie Do you have any feelings, love, compassion, respect for your husband? I know you say you don't want to divorce, but what do you think your husband would choose if he knew of all your deception and pining for another man? Of course I do... I didn't respond.. but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 21, 2013 Author Share Posted May 21, 2013 Thanks for answering part of my post. But, do you think your husband would choose to stay married if he knew about the affair and the longing for mm that you're now going through? He would probably be extremely upset... but wouldn't leave me. He might even ask if he wasn't meeting my "needs", do we need to bring a 3rd into the bedroom to spice things up etc. I don't want him thinking he isn't enough, because it really has nothing to do with him. He's perfect in every way, and I really love him. I'm trying this NC because bottom line is I don't WANT to want MM, and I'm hoping if I can ignore him long enough, it will just fade away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 I don't know why I'm admitting this, when this is the internet and I can easily lie, but I broke NC, and I talked to him. I don't really want the negative comments, we had a conversation, and I actually feel better, not worse. I made no plans to see him, although he tried. I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't love him, but for some reason it really bothered me to leave him hanging, without talking the situation over. Link to post Share on other sites
psm04 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Whatever works for you, Nattie. Sometimes, you need to have that talk with them to truly move on and get closure. Sometimes, that is what works before going NC, especially if the affair lasted long and it was emotionally intense. I hope you do what works for you , but don't let him take control and suck you back in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I don't know why I'm admitting this, when this is the internet and I can easily lie, but I broke NC, and I talked to him. I don't really want the negative comments, we had a conversation, and I actually feel better, not worse. I made no plans to see him, although he tried. I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing. I don't love him, but for some reason it really bothered me to leave him hanging, without talking the situation over. Nattie, I don't blame you. I'm not into leaving the AP hanging. I know its wrong and hurtful to the BS....but.....add it to your big fat volume of lies (I know I had one) and move on. I guess. I'm sorry I can't remember...is he married too? I'm glad you feel better, but it might be temporary and then get worse tomorrow. The day you talk you always feel strong bc you got to talk to him. At least for me. And this is an internet forum! You can do and post anything. No one should judge you. I mean, I had a gazillion Ddays and NCs before anything stuck. All in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 Yes, he is married too... and thank you for your encouragement psm04 and praying4peace. It really helps more than you know Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 You gotta do what's best for you. NC is not a one size fits all solution for everyone. It works for me. It's best for me because I know I am naive. But that doesn't mean it's best for you. IF this gave you some closure to finally, totally walk away... good on you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts