This is so not easy.

[beanzmom]

Hi there...I am married, kids, and in a relationship with another man. Stephen is a high school sweetheart and first love. We broke up because of something utterly stupid that I did, and regret it every day. 25 years later, we reconnected over the Internet and had lunch. He and I both work in the tourism industry in central Florida and wound up working just about a mile away from each other.

 

Let me begin this by saying that we are both in difficult marriages. My husband is an abusive alcoholic (emotional/mental) and Stephen's wife is also abusive to him, uses him for financial reasons (she refuses to work to help support the family, kids older and in school), and she has not had sex with him except to have kids). He was a shell of himself when we met back up also and I saw a change in him in the first few months. He laughed again, and was more like his old self.

 

During a text conversation, he let it drop that his feelings for me never went away. He said he is as much in love with me as ever, and that he used me as a guidepost to gauge all other women throughout his life. He said he settled when he married his wife, and was very unhappy. Over the following months, we talked daily and saw each other as often as we could. I felt like I was getting my life back on track.

 

One day, I decided to pop the question..."do you think you could ever have someone else?" He said he wasn't sure. A month later, I kissed him after work. The next thing we know, we are exchanging I love yous and pouring our hearts out to each other. So here's the sticky part. He told me flat-out that he doesn't know where anything is going at home and can't make me any promises. I understand that...I'm uncertain myself of my situation and I can't say where I will be six months from now. I know I love him. I am pretty darned sure he loves me. But now, after a year of our relationship (we have not slept together) I'm thinking I want more. I want him more than anything to me mind and all mine. I know in my heart that we could be so happy.

 

I give him the space he needs when he needs it (which isn't too often because he is constantly texting or calling me). I'm being supportive, never pushy. I have never mentioned to him what I really want. He talks about the wife (his name for her...very rarely uses her name) and his kids a lot, and it kind if stings a bit when he does. His wife has no clue what she has.

 

So I guess I'm looking for some "hang in there" thoughts. I am not proud of myself for having this affair. I should have ended my marriage long ago. But it's been amazing. Stephen is everything I want. We are very VERY open with each other and we talk A LOT.

 

Please remember I'm the one who started this all. I'm the one who brought up the subject, started the first kiss, etc. He wants to spend most of his time with me, building a relationship. He wants us to be forever. His words. He tells me all the time that we need to have an equal balance of friend time and making out so that we don't rely JUST on the sexy stuff. He is intent on making it work. I guess he wants to build a strong relationship with me, but I'm not sure why. I mean, could it be that he wants to build up our relationship first, to make sure things are strong when he ends it with his abusive wife, or is it that he just wants the affair to last as long as possible? He tells me that this is a fulfillment thing, providing each other with what we aren't getting at home, but then turns around and tells me he can't live without me, I'm the only woman he ever loved. I'm confused, and I love him with every ounce of my being. He is the man I should have married...I know that as a fact. I'm just so confused.

[Nattie]

If your husband is an abusive alcoholic, you should have left him long before reconnecting with Stephen. Maybe it really is love, and you two should be together, but you need to close one door before opening another. Best of luck to you!!

[USMCHokie]

Hi there...I am married, kids, and in a relationship with another man. Stephen is a high school sweetheart and first love. We broke up because of something utterly stupid that I did, and regret it every day. 25 years later, we reconnected over the Internet and had lunch. He and I both work in the tourism industry in central Florida and wound up working just about a mile away from each other.

 

What'd ya do...? Cheat on him...?

[beanzmom]

That's actually a fair question. And no, I didn't cheat on him. It was a stupid high school thing...I went to a party after he asked me several times not to go. He knew there would be drinking (he couldn't go) and he wanted to be there for me to watch and make sure I didn't get hurt or whatever. Stupid, pig-headed teen that I was, I didn't want anyone telling me what to do and I went, got trashed, and ran into his twin sister at the party. She told him that night and he confronted me the next day and he broke up with me on the spot for it. Not because I ignored his repeated requests, but because I lied and told him I wasn't going when I knew full well I was. Like I said, it was stupid of me to do it and I regret the decision...

 

In regards to the comment on I should have ended it long ago with my H, I realize that completely. I am saving up money for an attorney and am planning on ending it as soon as I'm able. A few more months, tops.

[findingnemo]

Long-lost loves, I think that's what it's called. Or rekindled love.

 

He sounds like a good guy and you seem like a decent lady. If you continue down this path, people won't see you like that any more. Even your alcoholic abusive H will condemn your actions. Why don't you leave your H? You know you don't have to have someone in the wings in order to leave. It is actually better if you don't and instead focus on getting out of a nightmare M.

 

Your old fame left you once over what I consider a minor issue. He is rigid and once he makes up his mind, that's it. As Alexandria asked, how will he feel about your new R starting off as an A? It will probably be a red flag for him.

 

His situation with his W doesn't sound very believable. Well, at least it doesn't seem like the WHOLE story. Why no work and no sex? Is she sick? Is she on meds that make her that way? Did they agree that she would be a SAHM and now years later she isn't able to enter the job market? Is she angry with him and just won't sleep with him any more? Did he cheat on her before? So many possibilities.

 

The problem with women who are in abusive Ms (as I was) is that anybody else looks 10 times better than your H. And yet our sensors have been dulled and we aren't really great judges of character as a result. We need to heal first, regain our true selves before jumping into the deep end of relationships. If we don't, we can easily fall for another abuser.

 

I wouldn't equate your abuse with his. I'm not sure that his W abuses him by taking advantage of him. It's possible but that would mean he is weak in terms of personality. So could he be playing you? Absolutely. But even if he isn't, it is very difficult to choose another human being over your family and the life you have spent years building.