strangefishy Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 My brother is 23 and the same age as his fiance. They got engaged after only going out for 9 months (that was last July) and now the wedding is in less than 2 months. A little bit of background on the couple - my brother is, to sum it up, a very lazy wallflower. Pretty much every single decision during his entire life was made/strongly influenced by somebody else (my dad pretty much picked out what he studied at uni). He gives off the socially awkward vibe at first but very easygoing once you get to know him better but still the type that usually keeps to themselves in a social situation. And pretty sure that they are each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend. The fiance on the other hand is very outgoing and driven, and will do what all it takes to get what she wants. To put it simply, she comes off as extremely bossy. So as you can guess, she was the one that came up with the idea of getting married and my brother just went along with it because that's the type of person he is. My parents were concerned that this decision was too rushed and tried to get him to reconsider -- but like most young couples blinded by love -- there was really nothing that could be said to get him to do so. Fast forward a few months - lately I've noticed that she is trying to be a lot more controlling over everything that my brother does. Here are a few examples: 1. I overheard her yelling at him when she was trying to help him with his study because his study methods are different to the way she studies 2. She was very insistent on buying a flat instead of renting even though he only works casually at a supermarket and she is only on a graduate salary, which I feel that it's just another ploy to make my brother hang around (but hey, maybe it will turn out to be cheaper, I wouldn't know for sure) 3. She will not let him have a bucks party that involves a bar/club, alcohol or women 4. She gets angry at him if he doesn't pick up his phone, which I swear she tries to ring every possible chance she gets - early morning, lunch break, after work, 1 in the morning.. 5. She makes him drive her to/from the train station every day even though currently they do not live in the same house. 6. Before they met, my brother showed absolutely zero interest in going to church/believing in God, etc etc but somehow she managed to convince him to go to church twice a week (for which he ditched teaching his karate class for) and turn his nose up at basically every other belief there is. Anyway, the other day I asked my brother whether he would have chosen to get married if she never brought it up (he said no) and what he would do if I was going to get married to someone he felt was not good for me (try to do the same thing I did). I then said that maybe you should put off this marriage for a while and reconsider later, but he made some excuse about already sending out invites. I can tell that there is something holding him back - maybe he doesn't want to disappoint her? or that he feels that he would never be able to find somebody else to spend his life with? I really can't tell. What do you think I should do? I know I'm tiptoeing amongst landmines here and if I take it too far he will end up resenting me. But seeing my brother like this makes me feel really sad and I know deep down he will not be happy if they get married. Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 You've told him how you feel. That's it. If you keep on at him, YOU will be the one trying to control him. Quick question: are you even aware that this is what you're doing? Just like your dad and his fiancee. Let him be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 What you should do is realize that your brother is an adult. He can make his own decisions, whether you agree with them or not. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 This sounds a lot like my brother. He is getting married next month and it was all her planning. My brother could have easily continued life without marriage, but he finally relented after she kept pressing him. Even though only a month away they still don't have a venue, his fiance is relentless to marry on that date because they've been engaged two years. She wants kids asap and my brother relies on her. It's a very co-dependent relationship. However, you cannot stop your brother now. He will have to live and learn from his own mistakes. Just be there to support him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 This sounds a lot like my brother. He is getting married next month and it was all her planning. My brother could have easily continued life without marriage, but he finally relented after she kept pressing him. Even though only a month away they still don't have a venue, his fiance is relentless to marry on that date because they've been engaged two years. She wants kids asap and my brother relies on her. It's a very co-dependent relationship. However, you cannot stop your brother now. He will have to live and learn from his own mistakes. Just be there to support him. What poor planning! Venues should be booked at least a year in advance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 What poor planning! Venues should be booked at least a year in advance. Well, now the wedding is completely off because his fiance was off seeing my brother's friend. I feel sorry for the wedding party and hope they haven't already invested too much in planning and travel. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Well, now the wedding is completely off because his fiance was off seeing my brother's friend. I feel sorry for the wedding party and hope they haven't already invested too much in planning and travel. This is certainly a blessing in disguise for your brother, even though it must be painful for him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 This is certainly a blessing in disguise for your brother, even though it must be painful for him. It definitely is. I don't think he was expecting to feel this way, but all of us (also my parents) think it is for the best. He has his own issues to work on before starting another relationship and plenty of time to find the right person in his life.There have been many red flags and I'm glad it's over before he'd have to deal with a messy divorce with kids involved. He's quilting himself for not trusting her enough and having to deal with his issues, but I told him it still does not make her cheating right. I guess she didn't want to hurt him by telling him she couldn't handle his issues, but cheating on someone hurts a lot more than coming out and staying there are issues that need to be resolved to make the relationship work. Link to post Share on other sites
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