Madeleine Posted December 12, 2000 Share Posted December 12, 2000 Okay, here's the story; We broke up ten days ago, after two years of dating. We have had a wonderful relationship and didn't have any problems dating. I asked him whether the relationship was moving forward or at a standstill, and he said that its been at a standstill. He said he doesn't know what he wants, and that he's confused. He said last time he was married(been divorced for 4 years), he felt a "lightning bolt", and he hasn't felt that with me. I went to a counseler, and he suggested a two month break. We started talking about the break and decided to talk last week about ground rules. So, when I invited him over for dinner so we could discuss all of this, he said that he already knew that he wouldn't know how he felt in two months, and that we really needed a "BREAK", without time limits. I told him that was really a "BREAK_UP". He said I deserved much more....etc. So, he asked me if I wanted to do stuff during Christmas, I said no. He asked me if I wanted him to call me,... I said no. Then he said whyh not? I said fine, call me in a few weeks and we'll talk. So, he calls me Saturday after 8 days, to tell me that he's going to this Chrismas party, etc.(actually left a message on my machine), and that he was going to call me first of the week. So he calls tonight... and sounds awful. He said can I take you to lunch next week? I said for what? I said I am not trying to be rude, I really mean that. He said, well to see where the relationship is going... I said I thought we settled all of that. He said well, well if you dont' want to just say so, etc.....I told him that I missed him, BUT, that until he knew what he wanted out of the relashionship , there was really no point. I want to know, what do I do? I don't want him to think the doors are closed.... I want him to know he can come back,but the price to pay is moving forward.... towards a commitment.... I feel confused.... Part of me wants to write him a letter....send him an e-mail telling him I love him and I want him to work on his "issues".... all of which I have told him again and again... and part of me thinks that no contact is better.... Help... what should I do? Tomorrow is his birthday. I sent a funny card, with just his name, and have a good one, and my name signed. He sounded sooooo miserable. I feel sorry for him, but will only do what is best for me at this point... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 12, 2000 Share Posted December 12, 2000 This guy is way, way too messed up to be in a relationship right now. Read your post again...read every word you wrote about him and what he has said. You answered your own post. Now that the break up has been effected, he has rejected child syndrome. Take him back and you go back to the same crap again. So what do you love about him? Write that down and find a guy you are attracted to who has those qualities who isn't so screwed up. That'll take you lots less time than it will take this guy to get his head on straight. So he says the two of you REALLY need a break without time limits, uh??? Give it to him!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted December 12, 2000 Share Posted December 12, 2000 You don't need any advice but I will give you some support on the way you've handled this. I think you made a good choice by talking to a counselor. You got some good advice and you acted on it. You asked him an honest question at a key point in the relationship. It was the right question at the right time. He gave you an answer, apparently an honest answer. After this amount of time together, he should know if there is something there for the two of you. It's time now for him to act like the adult you are. And, who knows, he may begin to, but he's got a long way to go. The way he is handling this now does not show much maturity, which you BOTH will need to make this work for the long term. Up to now, you have done all the work. He needs to get his s*@t together real fast or he is going to miss out on a woman who has direction in her life. Like Tony said, you are way ahead of him, emotionally and intellectually. He is acting pretty childish and has a lot of catching up to do. He's going to need more than two months to do it. How long are you willing to wait? If you continue to see him, he will probably not take the steps he needs to take to become a capable love partner. I know you hate to see him squirm, but you are not his parent. He may just have to fall flat on his face and completely loose you before he will be worth anything to anybody. His next girl may want to look you up and thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Madeleine Posted December 12, 2000 Share Posted December 12, 2000 Thank you for your advice. I know in my head and heart that getting back together at this critical time is probably going to do us more harm than good. You are right. He doesn't own up to his own emotions and take responsibility for them. Right now he is hurting and he wants to gain contact with me to make himself feel better. I will hang in there and continue on with my life as though this is really a breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
cj Posted December 12, 2000 Share Posted December 12, 2000 Okay, here's the story; We broke up ten days ago, after two years of dating. We have had a wonderful relationship and didn't have any problems dating. I asked him whether the relationship was moving forward or at a standstill, and he said that its been at a standstill. He said he doesn't know what he wants, and that he's confused. He said last time he was married(been divorced for 4 years), he felt a "lightning bolt", and he hasn't felt that with me. I went to a counseler, and he suggested a two month break. We started talking about the break and decided to talk last week about ground rules. So, when I invited him over for dinner so we could discuss all of this, he said that he already knew that he wouldn't know how he felt in two months, and that we really needed a "BREAK", without time limits. I told him that was really a "BREAK_UP". He said I deserved much more....etc. So, he asked me if I wanted to do stuff during Christmas, I said no. He asked me if I wanted him to call me,... I said no. Then he said whyh not? I said fine, call me in a few weeks and we'll talk. So, he calls me Saturday after 8 days, to tell me that he's going to this Chrismas party, etc.(actually left a message on my machine), and that he was going to call me first of the week. So he calls tonight... and sounds awful. He said can I take you to lunch next week? I said for what? I said I am not trying to be rude, I really mean that. He said, well to see where the relationship is going... I said I thought we settled all of that. He said well, well if you dont' want to just say so, etc.....I told him that I missed him, BUT, that until he knew what he wanted out of the relashionship , there was really no point. I want to know, what do I do? I don't want him to think the doors are closed.... I want him to know he can come back,but the price to pay is moving forward.... towards a commitment.... I feel confused.... Part of me wants to write him a letter....send him an e-mail telling him I love him and I want him to work on his "issues".... all of which I have told him again and again... and part of me thinks that no contact is better.... Help... what should I do? Tomorrow is his birthday. I sent a funny card, with just his name, and have a good one, and my name signed. He sounded sooooo miserable. I feel sorry for him, but will only do what is best for me at this point... short piece of advice follow your heart Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts