Problem... like her, but am freaking about about her serious sexual history.. advice?

[RunAlongNow]

Hey all... okay, I saw a thread sort of similar to this and I can now appreciate where that person was coming from.

 

I was married for a while and never had major issues with jealousy or anything along that line... I'm 34 now, and seeing someone I'm beginning to really like a lot... we have really hit it off... well, I already had the impression that she was very experienced sexually (I am too)... but had started thinking she was so in a SERIOUS way... so last night, she told me about her fairly recent (last year) experience with two men... double penetration and all... and that is really kind of freaking me out.

 

Now I'm a serious democrat... believe in pro-choice, equal rights for women, and the whole nine yards... however, it's just really eating at me and I'm not sure what to do!?!?!

 

The unfortunate reality is that as enlightened as one can be, it's still easy to form opinions and beliefs based on social mores and the like -- and I'm already acknowledging that in a major way this may all sound very hypocritical -- so no one even needs to point that out -- and I'd really like to 'not worry about it', but hey, when emotions get involved, it's just not easy.

 

Further exacerbating the situation is that I was in a fraternity in college and of course then, anyone who did that was essentially a 'porno star' or a 'whore'... hell, I think I could have gotten past the fact that she's had 60 partners... but to so recently have a session like the one described, well, it's just bugging me...

 

Help!!!!

 

Thanks :-)

[heebiejeebies]

Just wondering. Is this like a "Chasing Amy" thing? If you haven't seen it, it's basically about this guy who falls in love with a very sexually experienced girl, and has to end up breaking it off because he can't handle that about her, even though she is ready to "settle down" with him.

 

As a guy, I can understand where it would make you nervous, but I still think you should get past all that. So what if she's been with thousands of guys? She likes you.

 

If you're that worried, I'd suggest asking her about her sexual intentions with you. Just be like, "hey babe, I was wondering if you want to be monogamous, because I really like you, and I want to be." or whatever.

 

Take care, good luck,

 

Kyaten

[Jilly10340]

Hey, if you can look past the 60 partners things then you can get past this. Just think that two of these partners happned to be at the same time.

 

no big deal

[heebiejeebies]

Just think that two of these partners happned to be at the same time.

 

That's so funny!

 

Maybe he shouldn't think about her history at all, huh?

 

 

WTF are these bunnies here for?

 

What do they mean? I understand the happy faces and all...but the bunnies...now that's a mystery.

[tiki]

Am I being dumb or what...but WTF does being a democrat have to do with her previous sex life?

[heebiejeebies]

TikiBrandy,

 

I'm just theorizing that he believes by showing us that he is a left wing liberal voter that he is an open minded person.

 

But, I'm not sure why he would bring that in, either.

[Jilly10340]

I think it was just meant to show that he believes that women have a right to do what they will with their bodies.

 

So he isn't being an uptight, old fashioned b*stard about the whole thing.

[tiki]

Originally posted by Jilly10340

I think it was just meant to show that he believes that women have a right to do what they will with their bodies.

 

So he isn't being an uptight, old fashioned b*stard about the whole thing.

 

AKA Republican?

[Jilly10340]

Hey, you said it, not me

[Rez]

Im currently dating someone that has had a rather "colorful" past. Dated a few rock stars long term...slept or fooled around with several...and I do mean actual rock stars... like Metallica caliber. She was also a stripper which she quit doing about 10 years ago. She hasnt had many partners (under 20 or so), but it still bugged me about some of the stories of her past.

 

Part of what you might be feeling is that I think that its hard for anyone to picture thier partner with another person even if it was years before you met. Just hearing she had 60 partners is one thing, but hearing actual details about it might be whats bugging you. The woman Im dating told me some stories that made me cringe, but I didnt say anything because it was several years ago.

 

Id try to let it go. Shes with you now and you need to trust her on that one. In some ways, its good to have an experienced partner because they wont be wondering what else is out there. I'd also suggest to not continue to bring it up. That will definitely make her mad after a while and possibly even imply that you dont trust her.

[bluechocolate]

Problem... like her, but am freaking about about her serious sexual history.. advice?

 

To be blunt - get over it.

 

You'd think I'd learn - last time I posted on a thread with the same subject the guy got all sucky & sarcastic with me.

 

I'll just never understand this issue.

 

Firstly only a virgin isn't going to have a "penetrative" sexual history.

 

Secondly I don't know why people tell new partners about this stuff - how is it possibly relevant to the future?

 

Thirdly I don't get why it's an issue (see firstly).

 

You need to be honest with yourself & try to discover exactly what it is about this that makes you uncomfortable. And remember this is YOUR issue - it has nothing to do with her. My gut tells me that guys (and I am one) have a problem with this kind of thing because they feel that they won't somehow measure up against this phantom competition from the past.

 

It's your future with this girl that should be your main concern, not her past. Whatever she did, or didn't do, helped to make her who she is today. If you can't deal with that then stop seeing her.

 

 

btw - what is so recent about last year? What time frame would make you comfortable with it?

[She's Come Undone]

You know I personally believe that what's in the past is in the past, but to be frankly honest, I also would be a little concerned with her most recent experience. Why did she even tell you? You don't need to make your ENTIRE past be known to have a honest relationship. I dunno, if I was a guy I'm not sure I could look past any of it, not just the double trouble.

[Cecelius]

Double penetration? Like the ultra-naughty kind? WOW.

 

Frankly, I would have a problem with that too. I honestly don't think that people do things like that unless they have some self esteem issues or are just shallow or don't place a terribly high value on it. Does she still know any of these people? Talk to them?

 

That said, if you don't care, then fine. If you do care and are irritated, maybe you have different values than she does, which is okay (of course she has the right to do what she wants with her body and you have the right to choose someone else), but maybe you just aren't right for each other long term.

 

Especially if you are divorced I think you should be rational in your approach -- it's not forever until you say it is. Take the pressure off yourself and concentrate only on having a good time with her and let nature and its feelings take their course. Basically, just approach it the way you should approach any woman.

 

 

I would also point out that that number of partners may bear no relation to her fidelity.

[Merin]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

Problem... like her, but am freaking about about her serious sexual history.. advice?

 

To be blunt - get over it.

 

You'd think I'd learn - last time I posted on a thread with the same subject the guy got all sucky & sarcastic with me.

 

I'll just never understand this issue.

 

Firstly only a virgin isn't going to have a "penetrative" sexual history.

 

Secondly I don't know why people tell new partners about this stuff - how is it possibly relevant to the future?

 

Thirdly I don't get why it's an issue (see firstly).

 

You need to be honest with yourself & try to discover exactly what it is about this that makes you uncomfortable. And remember this is YOUR issue - it has nothing to do with her. My gut tells me that guys (and I am one) have a problem with this kind of thing because they feel that they won't somehow measure up against this phantom competition from the past.

 

It's your future with this girl that should be your main concern, not her past. Whatever she did, or didn't do, helped to make her who she is today. If you can't deal with that then stop seeing her.

 

 

btw - what is so recent about last year? What time frame would make you comfortable with it?

 

I agree with everything Blue has said.

 

You know I have no idea what made your girfriend give you this 411... but if I had to guess at it... I would say probably because you've come across to her as "open minded" and all about it... so YOU asked her, she didn't fear you would react like you are now... (because again you never gave her reason to think you would) so she told you.

 

Never ask the question you don't really want the answer too.

[CrazyDaisy]

I'd have to say that I agree with the reasoning that you *knowing* the details is what is bothering you.

 

For example, when I first met my boyfriend, we discussed our histories and he gave me a specific number. It was higher than I expected, but I could let it go. However, after we'd been dating for a few months, for some odd reason (without me even bringing the subject up) he felt comfortable enough to tell me about some specific instances in his past. To this day, 3 years later, if I get the thought in my head about any of those stories, I still cringe. There's a big difference between knowing your partner has a past and knowing specifically what is in their past.

 

My advice to you is that you need to decide how much this bothers you. I can tell you firsthand that you can forgive things like that, but there is a good possibility you will never forget them. Decide what's more important--your relationship with this woman or your feelings of disgust/uneasiness/whatever you are feeling.

 

Good luck!

[Mr Spock]

Another thread to chalk up to why you should never talk about your sexual history with your partner.

 

 

"How many guys have you been with before me?"

 

Answer A.I'm not really comfortable discussing the past-that's why it's the past. I'm with you , and only you now

 

Answer B.Giggle. That's my secret....but it sure FEELS like my first time. C'mere, big boy.

 

Answer C.None of your goddamn business, you chauvanstic egotistical pig.

 

Pick one.