Withholding sex?

[Sugar_Cube]

Hi, I have a question. What do others think of withholding sex from your husband/wife or s/o? I'm sure its the wrong thing to do, but I know of people that do it because they feel they aren't getting something from their partner that they need. So be it a power or control thing, I guess some people do it anyway. I have known people that haven't gotten what they want from their partner, like they don't feel their partner isn't emotionally connecting with them and they feel when the emotions are there thats when its right to be intimate.

 

What if they have been to counseling and tried various things to try to reconnect but one still doesn't for whatever reason, is it still wrong for that person thats not getting what they want or need to with hold? Why continue over a period of time to give and give and never get. Just wondering what others thought.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Sugar_Cube *EDITIED By mA*

What do others think of withholding sex from your husband/wife or s/o? I'm sure its the wrong thing to do, but I know of people that do it because they feel they aren't getting something from their partner that they need. So be it a power or control thing, I guess some people do it anyway. I have known people that haven't gotten what they want from their partner, like they don't feel their partner isn't emotionally connecting with them and they feel when the emotions are there thats when its right to be intimate.

 

What if they have been to counseling and tried various things to try to reconnect but one still doesn't for whatever reason, is it still wrong for that person thats not getting what they want or need to with hold? Why continue over a period of time to give and give and never get. Just wondering what others thought.

 

I think withholding sex is tantamount to emotional abuse. SUre if you don't feel like it, then maybe refuse. But even then there should be an openness to getting in the mood. There's another thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43441/ that discusses the utter absence of withholding. a lot of good points there.

 

I can comiserate with you too, I've been giving so much in my relationship with just hope to satisfy my needs that I had to stop before I gave it all away. There really IS no reason to continue any effort unless you have even a shred of hope. Look for it. If you find it, use it. If not. Decide.

 

just my $.03!

 

mA

[The_Analyzer]

I take it from your post sugar_cube that your emotional needs aren't being met, therefore thats why you feel you shouldn't give into your s/o sexually? True that most women like the emotional support and understanding that their partner can provide, however, some people either weren't raised that way or weren't taught properly how to deal with the giving of their emotions.

 

If you all have been to counseling and your s/o still doesn't get how to connect with you emtionally, then I think you have 2 choices. You either continue to live that way, or you move on. I'm sure thats easier said than done. You have to ask yourself though, are you willing to stay in a situation where you're not getting what you want/need? The same goes for your s/o, I'm sure he is getting frustrated about the with holding of sex. This is just my opinon, but I think with holding of sex is kinda like a punishment for the other ones lack of not giving you what you want or need. However, if he can't or wont give you what you need then its the same type of punishment for you. Just some things to think about. Good luck.

[MassiveAtom]

I think it's the other way round Analyzer

[Sugar_Cube]

Hello, thanks to you both for the replies. A while back I did feel I had an emotional connection with him. When I felt this way, yes, he got sex often, because I felt close to him. Then, somewhere along the way, he stopped the giving of himself. I didn't back off the sex at first, I kept on giving of myself thinking whatever was wrong would pass. We have been married for almost 10 years. I would say out of the 10 years together, at about the 6 or 7 year mark is when I noticed a change.

 

I tried for very long time to tell him, show him, how I wanted us to reconnect. I know he has it in him, because he has done it before. Maybe he became lazy, too comfortable and not wanting to put much effort into the marriage. I don't know. I'm not saying all this is his fault by no means. I play a role into it as well. I know all couples hit rough spots in the their marriages. I understand that.

 

We have been to counseling. I notice at times he seems he wants or is trying to get back to the way things were, but then he stops again and things go right back to the way they were. I give, and he takes.

 

This is my whole point for this thread. When is enough enough? I did stop having sex with him on a regular basis. I'm not sayin' we stopped totally, but it's not like it was at all. When I am intimate with him I feel it's an obligation. I never felt that way until I felt I lost what he once was giving me and the relationship. I want to be with him sexually because I want too, and because I feel wanted, needed and loved.

 

I can do that, if he will reconnect with me. I see your point Analyzer, me withholding sometimes is like a punishment for him I suppose, but at the same time him not connecting with me emotionally either, is kinda like a punishment for me as well.

 

Thanks again to the both of you.

[SoleMate]

Please check out the <URL removed> site. It has information on meeting each other's needs, AND overcoming sexual aversion. You need to meet his sexual needs, just the way he needs to meet your needs for closeness, conversation, financial support, whatever. If one person stops meeting a spouse's needs...then the other person also stops meeting needs...over time there will be fewer and fewer reasons to stay married.

[Nocturnalkitee]

Sugar_Cube

 

You mention he needs to reconnect several times in your. What is it that he is not doing to make you feel the way that you?

 

I'm not trying to be nosy, but what do you want, romance, go out to dinner, a walk in the park, what?

[sassyone]

I've been married to my husband for 2 yrs now and we have been together for 3. When i first met him he was one of the most sweetest guys i know, did all the romantic stuff us women love...like flowers, chocolates, a surprise phonecall or trip..but since we got married its all changed, hes not the same person i met 3 years ago. Its like since we are now married he figures he's already got me and doesn't have to put much effort into doing special things anymore. Why do men do this? Iput 100% into our relationship all the time and its like its all give and no feedback all the time..it gets annoying and upsetting. Wether men seem to think that we have them and thats all that matters im not sure but im still young and looking for that excitement back that he once had. The only time i hold sex back from him is if we have had an argument or if he's been looking at porn on the net..im not a substitute for his needs im his wife.

[mymojo]

I have very little need for partnered intercouse.I prefer to satisfy my needs via self-pleasure.However this does not mean I won't give a BJ or hand job cheerfully whenever my partner feels the desire for such.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Wow sugar_cube. I could have written your first post myself. The first time my husband withheld sex was after almost 7 yrs of marriage. He was mad at me for frivolously spending $100 (his opinion). I started chatting online and confronted him about what I'd been doing after a couple of weeks. He didn't get too upset, in fact it improved our sex life and we became much more adventurous.

 

However, the emotional part of our marriage fell apart and I crossed the line. We've been to counselling twice and were told that withholding sex is a power/control thing...sex and money....but since we both make the same income, he withheld sex.

 

Now we both seem to do it to each other alot. His biggest complaint is that I don't initiate it...but that's very difficult if the emotional connection is gone. I am cheating again, and going for counselling alone this time. I want out of the marriage, but I want him to see the damage he has done to me emotionally, and not take the blame for everything just because I cheated. It's going to be a long road for us either way.

 

I wish you luck and just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and if you can avoid what I've done, please PLEASE act now.

[Sugar_Cube]

Thanks for the replys. Mom-wife, You're right about it being hard to initate sex when the emotional conncection is gone. Thats very true in my case as well. Sometimes I think to myself, he's good provider, father, etc, so maybe I should just shut up and give it to him anyway, even if I don't get what I need from him. But, then again, why should I? Thats not very fair for him to continue to get what he wants all the time and I sit on the sidelines waiting, hoping he might change, and connect with me. Thanks again for the replys.

[oldandie1950]

Mom-wife- cheater,

I can totally relate to your "loss of emotional connection" comment as I am in a relationship that has died.

My partner of 27 yrs has moved on and left me. I allowed her to lead too much in all areas of the relationship and she just could'nt handle if I asked her to do things "for me" In the end I was frustrated, felt alone. She used her

emotions as battering rams and said hurtful things to get what she wanted. My needs were very low down the

line in her list of prioritys. I was a pathetic, sad human being and my only joy was the kids, 2 boys and my work

mates. As i said, that was the past and now i am free once again to have a different life. I am at home alone

most nights and have time to do what i couldnt do before. I am reaching out and having fun again. I have this

second chance and hell i am going to enjoy it.

Cheers and good luck to you.

[Adunaphel]

Hi, I have a question. What do others think of withholding sex from your husband/wife or s/o? I'm sure its the wrong thing to do, but I know of people that do it because they feel they aren't getting something from their partner that they need.

 

I think there is some big difference between withholding sex 'as a blackmailing technique' and withholding sex because you need some more romance and/or displays of affection from your partner, you are not getting enough (or you have been feeling like I didn't get enough.....basically it comes down to the same thing), you feel taken for granted and/or unloved and this does not allow you to get in the mood for sex.

 

For many women (myself included) not feeling special enough is one of the biggest turnoffs, the lack of attention/affection/romance turns some ladies off sooner than a lot of extra pounds or bad breath or a microscopic penis would.

 

While I am absolutely against withholding sex as a blackmail weapon, or as a mean to control your partner, or as a way to 'punish' your so for something he/she has done, I think there is nothing bad in withholding sex if you'd feel like a blow-up doll having it.

 

I also think that if you don't feel like having sex because there is something lacking in the relationship, and this is a turnoff for you, you should tell this to your partner instead of hoping (s)he'll figure it out by him/herself.

 

Sugar_cube, is there a way you could....well, give less in your relationship ?

Many people stop 'giving' because their partner is giving too much. They assume that if their partner is doing so much they have probably already done more than enough...and they relax. I think John Gray wrote something very interesting about givers/takers, but i don't remember which book it was.

 

Do you usually ask your partner what you need?

Do you in any way make him notice it when he has stopped giving?

Does he realize it?

Does he have a clue *why* you were withholding sex? Is he aware that it is because your emotional needs are not met?

[tiki]

I don't know if you're religious, but I learned this in church just last night. Here's some of what I've found online regarding this:

 

Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command.

 

That imperative, "Stop depriving," literally means "Stop defrauding," or "Stop robbing." The word means to cheat somebody out of what is properly theirs. The only exception for sexual abstinence in marriage that Paul tolerates is very narrow, and it must meet three conditions: (1) Both parties must agree voluntarily, with no manipulation. (2) It's only for a short period of time. (3) It's spiritually driven, a provision for each partner to individually focus in a concentrated way on communion with the Lord for a time. But Paul does make it clear in verse 6 that this is not an apostolic directive, it's a concession.

 

Hope that helps. Also, I'm sure this is referring to a married couple. I don't think your obligated to anything if it's anything less than a marriage.

[Sugar_Cube]

Hi adunaphel thanks for your reply. We have been to counseling before with this issue. He knows what I want or need from him. He says that he doesn't know how to give me what I want. I kinda believe it but I kinda don't. He did seem to know how when we first got together. Somewhere along the way he lost how to do that. Or maybe got to comfortable and started taking me for granted. I know he comes from a back ground of not alot emotional love/ support/ and understanding. Even though that maybe the case I dare say he should continue to use that as a crutch for the rest of out lives to not do the work that needs to be done in the marriage. I know some people need guidence or shown how too. I have done that for almost ten years now, which leads me to believe he'd just rather sit back and do nothing.

 

I also agree with you about with holding sex for blackmail or as a punishment. I don't do that, I do it because I don't feel connected with him. He once told me he thought I did it just because I wanted too. LOL..I told him "you have not heard a word I have said about how I feel have you?" The counselor said when my husband said that, it sounded like an accuse to him. Maybe one day he will come to his senses. Thanks again.

[FolderWife]

I've been wondering about this too:

 

Background. I was a horney newlywed. My husband couldn't orgasm during our sexcapades, and turned to porn. He started masterbating to porn so often that he couldn't get an erection. This left me with no sex...period. When we got rid of porn, our sex life became healthy...

 

Until recently:

 

If my husband wants sex, he will take my hand, and put it on his thingy. I am expected to rub him until he's hard. Then, I'm expected to suck him until he's ready for sex. Then, he thinks he can just enter me while I'm dry, since he's done nothing to lube me. Then, I'm expected to bounce on top, until he finishes. If I get tired before he finishes, I'm expected to suck him until he finishes. This was fine in the beginning, because I wanted to learn how to please him, so he wouldn't need porn. However, lately, I have been getting resentful.

 

I am starting to feel really used. He really likes sex now...for obvious reasons, but I'd rather not bother. On the other hand, I'm afraid that if I don't do what's asked of me, he'll go back to porn, and I'll suffer sexless again.

 

Last night, he encouraged me to rub him, and I was, but the more I rubbed, the sleepier I got...So I just stopped. He put my hand back. I told him, "Lying here rubbing you makes me sleepy!" He said, "Then do something to wake up" (hinting for me to suck him) I said, "YOU do something to wake me up, and put his hand down there. I told him that he's too good with his hands to waste them. He started rubbing me too fast. I felt like givin up. I finally told him to slow down, and manuvered his hands differently (he's usually so good...I don't know what his problem was..it's like he was bad on purpose)

 

So, I wanted to just quit. Why bother. It's all about him now We went on to have mutually satisfying sex, since I was patient and persistant.

 

But if I withold sex, it's not for punishment, it's because if my husband wants it to all be about him, then by golly I want it all for me

[just some girl]

I actually found this board searching on just this topic (withholding sex). My partner (we are not married but have been together about 4 years) has lost interest in me. I don't know if he is punishing me...I suspect he is. I make far less money than he does (and he already has the money power) but he resents bearing more of the financial burden. I want to earn more, but am having a hard time making that happen. He sees it as failure on my part. He's very critical.

 

I used to be a very sensual person, and felt sexy. These days, I feel disgusting. We go about 2 months in between sex, and I haven't had an orgasm with him in about 2 years. I am just devastated, and talking does not seem to help.

 

I am pretty miserable about the whole thing, and have totally lost my confidence. I don't feel like anyone would be attracted to me once they saw me naked, and I don't feel like I can perform well. I used to think of myself as a good seductress (in my previous marriage, sex was never a problem). It's like I am a different person, one that I don't like or want to be.