Controlling indian parents - Want to move out - 18

[confused7035]

Hi, I need some advice please on a decision I need to make in the next couple weeks. Should I or should I not move out?

 

First some context: I am going to be 19 soon and I come from a very traditional, conservative Indian family. In such families, it is uncommon for children to move out until they're married. I was born and raised here in Canada. My parents weren't. My parents love me and I love them. The problem is that they may love me a little too much. By controlling, I mean: I was NEVER allowed to hang out with friends, not allowed to work until I graduate from university, not allowed to date (I think they expect me to agree to an arranged marriage when I'm older), not allowed to go out anywhere alone except to school. It's extreme.

 

These conditions had made me very antisocial and I always felt awkward speaking to others because I would never know what to say when they asked me to hang out or do something together. High school was horrible. After high school, I went to (2 year) college. I made it a goal to change as much as possible while remaining within my parents' constraints. I approached classmates, made friends and was much happier. Of course, I always had to make stupid excuses whenever friends asked me out because I didn't want anyone to know my situation. My social life was restricted to school. This year, after begging my parents, they allowed me to join a sports team (I had made the try outs) at my college. Training with my team and school are the only two things I am currently allowed to do on my own.

 

My parents' excuse for most of the conditions is that they want me to focus on my education now. I think that's ridiculous because I have always studied hard and my grades are amazing (always above %90) and I've been accepted to an honors science program at university.

 

I love my parents but I can't handle this much longer. I have no freedom and I think I'm reaching my limit now. I've always respected them and did everything according to their desires. So I have to make a choice now.

 

If I decide to move out, the hardest part will be to tell my parents. They'll be devastated and also very angry. I feel so guilty for thinking of abandoning them. I am also slightly scared that they might force this into a physical confrontation. They have hit me in the past but I wouldn't consider it as any major physical abuse.

 

Two possible reactions:

1. They'll get very angry, might hit me, and tell me to get out.

 

2. They'll try to force me to stay. Perhaps by threatening me or making me feel too guilty.

 

If I get kicked out, I already have a plan. I have told a very close friend of mine about my situation and he has kindly offered to let me stay with him for a while. I will try to find a job immediately after I leave. I can also find a cheap apartment for <$500 /month (I've already found some listings online). I have $2500 saved and with all major expenses considered, it should be enough for at least 3 months, if I don't manage to find a job right away. By then I would have settled and be ready for university. I am confident that if I move out, I can support myself financially. Tuition is very cheap here.

 

If I don't move out, I have to find it within me to follow their rules until... who knows. I will probably hate myself for it but at least my parents will be happy and there will be no confrontation.

 

So now I need to decide whether it is worth it to hurt my parents by moving out for my own happiness and risk having a, possibly violent, confrontation, or should I sacrifice my happiness for theirs? And if I do move out, I don't know if my parents will ever speak to me again.

 

I feel so conflicted right now and I have nowhere to turn. Any advice or comments will be much appreciated.

 

(Sorry for the lengthy post)

[KyRose]

If they dare to actually hit you, I would call the police and press charges.

 

NO ONE has the right to hit you. Ever.

[Nyla]

It is very hard to have parents who are not from North America.

They force outdated, abusive, controlling and sexist ideals down their Canadian or American children's throats.

 

My parents tried to force me to live like the 1950's. They believe that women are inferior to men, so they made me do more housework than my brothers and gave me no freedom. I moved out when I was 21 with nothing but the clothes on my back. I was tired of being physically and verbally abused, along with my parents trying to control me like I was a child. When I was a kid, even my teachers said my parents were extremely strict. I was also a responsible, well behaved good student but I still could not do anything fun. The abuse and isolation led to severe depression.

 

You will leave when you have finally had enough. Your parents cannot live your life for you. You will need to be strong. Realize that this is your life and you are a grown adult. If they hit you, leave immediately. I know that immigrant parents raise their children to tolerate any kind of abuse from elders, but once you draw a line in the sand, your parents will realize that they need to respect you and treat you like an adult. They may disown you for a little while, but they will come around once they start missing you. I know how to handle parents like yours because I had a similar dynamic with my mother and father.

 

When my mother tried to control my wedding, I asked her to stop. She wanted to pay for it so that it could be her day, but my husband and I would not allow that manipulation. My mother became so verbally abusive and controlling that my husband and I eloped. My parents cut off my husband and I for a year after we eloped and when my mother tried to talk to me at a family wedding, I ignored her. Now that my mother knows that I will no longer tolerate any disrespect or controlling behavior, she is careful what she says to me. I don't let her know anything private about my life. We have reached a new understanding and though I will never be her best friend like she wants, my mother finally knows her place.

 

You have a good plan and a great head on your shoulders. You will be fine. When you are ready to live for yourself and leave home, the freedom will be intoxicating. PM me if you have any questions. Be well.

[Els]

If you are able, the simplest way out is to get college/work a significant distance away from your parents. That way, you don't need any emotionally-charged discussions about WHY you are moving out, or why you don't love them *cue guilt trip*. Nobody can argue with practical logistics... like 1000 miles.

[confused7035]

Thank you all for the replies. It's weird because the way I was brought up, getting hit is almost normal... But I understand what you guys mean.

 

They would never let me go to a college far away. The only way I could do that is if I moved out but then again I like the college here that I've been accepted to.

 

I've decided that I'm going to tell them this Friday but I'm so scared. I have no idea how this is going to end up. I hope I don't chicken out by then and not tell them.

 

@Nyla: Sorry to hear that you were also in a similar situation.

 

Do you think my parents will ever speak to me again if I do this? That's what I'm really worried about because I love them.

[Nyla]

Thank you all for the replies. It's weird because the way I was brought up, getting hit is almost normal... But I understand what you guys mean.

 

They would never let me go to a college far away. The only way I could do that is if I moved out but then again I like the college here that I've been accepted to.

 

I've decided that I'm going to tell them this Friday but I'm so scared. I have no idea how this is going to end up. I hope I don't chicken out by then and not tell them.

 

@Nyla: Sorry to hear that you were also in a similar situation.

 

Do you think my parents will ever speak to me again if I do this? That's what I'm really worried about because I love them.

 

Don't worry. I got out of the situation, learned to be independent and establish an adult relationship with my parents. It was hard and lonely at times, but it was worth it.

 

I believe that your parents will speak to you again. They may cut off contact as a way to control you, but that is when you have to be strong and own your independent choices. My parents cut me off to try to control me, but it only backfired because I would not acknowledge them at family gatherings.

 

If you keep on being too scared of your parents to take control of your life, you will never be happy. You will remain a child and never be able to mature. Who cares what they will "let" you do? You are an ADULT.

I was not supposed to move out until marriage, while my brothers were encouraged to live independently and play the field. I knew that I needed to live alone and get to know myself before I married. Women who have never lived alone are not learning important lessons about independence.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Nyla

[Seductive]

Hi Confused,

 

I'm a fellow Indian-American, and I applaud you for having the strength for bringing up this topic. I was in your situation as well.

 

Let's face the facts. Your parents are going to get mad and try to stop you. You have to obtain the confidence to just let them feel how they feel and do what you want. You aren't responsible for your parents' feelings. Let your parents know that you leaving isn't abandoning them. Let them know that this is an opportunity for you to learn and grow.

 

I moved out of my home at age 25. My mom and my Indian ex-boyfriend did everything they could to get me to continue to live with my parents. They told me that I wasn't going to be able to make it on my own. That I was too dumb and mentally ill. That I was going to get raped. That I need someone to control me and make my decisions. That nobody liked me. 5 years later, these naysayers couldn't be anymore WRONG. I have a great supervisory job, my own place, pay my bills, my own friends and I'm happy.

 

My mom has finally accepted the fact that I'm an adult that can make my own choices. It has taken a LONG time to get this way, but I stood my ground. You're going to have to overcome your fear to get where you want to be. I must say that the haters have helped me get to where I am today.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Seductive

[MOM3060]

Well, I'm a mom, whose 25 yr old daughter who just talked about moving out. We are a rather liberal indian family. She's got freedom to hang out with friends, provided she respects curfew times, and keep us informed of whom she's out with. We trusted so much, that when she turned 22, she requested privacy and space, and we allowed her to move in suite within the house. With that, I noticed she distanced herself in communicating and relating to us. Still, with suspicions and denial, we still trusted her. A couple of times, I found her with guy-friends, who she maintain are just "friends" just hanging out. Being liberal-minded, and more so, trusting her (even though my instincts were otherwise), I accept her actions. A week ago, I confronted her around 3 am with a guy, and that when the guy confessed that they are only "friends with benefit"! Totally crushed, devastated and betrayed, I'm "grieving" the consequences for my "liberal-thinking".

 

So, the next day, she told us that she's moving out with a room-mate (a female), and have it all figured out. She's not street-smart, nor people-savvy, and we cringe at the thought of being alone out there. But on the other hand, we respect her decision to leave and lead such a lifestyle. Well, whatever a child does privately, absolutely affects every member of the rest of the family. We are re-thinking our parenting skills, trusting, communicating, and totally thinking "where did we go wrong".

 

As parents, no matter what age our kids are, they are still our kids, we tend to protect them in anyways we can, so that a good root foundation, is a stronger future life. Parents know when things are not right, and it is our job to let kids know that they are stepping out of their boundaries. There is nothing else we are do besides advise. Being a third-generation out of India, I grew up in a conservative Indian household, but I choose to allow my parents to mould my future life, for which I'm forever am grateful for. Sure growing up, there are times I got very frustrated with their "no-nonsense" attitude, oh yeah, with the getting physically slap, but deep in, I knew they mean well for me.

 

So, my advise is “Your life lies out before you like a field of untrodden snow, be careful how you tread for every step will show”.

[Nyla]

Well, I'm a mom, whose 25 yr old daughter who just talked about moving out. We are a rather liberal indian family. She's got freedom to hang out with friends, provided she respects curfew times, and keep us informed of whom she's out with. We trusted so much, that when she turned 22, she requested privacy and space, and we allowed her to move in suite within the house. With that, I noticed she distanced herself in communicating and relating to us. Still, with suspicions and denial, we still trusted her. A couple of times, I found her with guy-friends, who she maintain are just "friends" just hanging out. Being liberal-minded, and more so, trusting her (even though my instincts were otherwise), I accept her actions. A week ago, I confronted her around 3 am with a guy, and that when the guy confessed that they are only "friends with benefit"! Totally crushed, devastated and betrayed, I'm "grieving" the consequences for my "liberal-thinking".

 

So, the next day, she told us that she's moving out with a room-mate (a female), and have it all figured out. She's not street-smart, nor people-savvy, and we cringe at the thought of being alone out there. But on the other hand, we respect her decision to leave and lead such a lifestyle. Well, whatever a child does privately, absolutely affects every member of the rest of the family. We are re-thinking our parenting skills, trusting, communicating, and totally thinking "where did we go wrong".

 

As parents, no matter what age our kids are, they are still our kids, we tend to protect them in anyways we can, so that a good root foundation, is a stronger future life. Parents know when things are not right, and it is our job to let kids know that they are stepping out of their boundaries. There is nothing else we are do besides advise. Being a third-generation out of India, I grew up in a conservative Indian household, but I choose to allow my parents to mould my future life, for which I'm forever am grateful for. Sure growing up, there are times I got very frustrated with their "no-nonsense" attitude, oh yeah, with the getting physically slap, but deep in, I knew they mean well for me.

 

So, my advise is “Your life lies out before you like a field of untrodden snow, be careful how you tread for every step will show”.

 

Your daughter will learn to be street smart and people savvy now that she is on her own. My parents feared for my safety for the same reason.

 

As for being "friends with benefits" with a guy, your daughter is adult enough to make her own choices about her sex life. You do not sound as liberal as you say you are. Why were you hunting down your daughter's friends and asking them questions? This kind of behavior is one reason why I left home; my mother wouldn't let me breathe. She would contact my boyfriend just like you did.

 

Regardless of whether or not you agree with your daughter's choices, she is free to make them. She is distancing herself because you are stifling her and it is a normal part of growing up.

 

When you have adult children, it is important to shift your role from the authoritarian boss to a friend and trusted advisor. If you are too meddling and controlling, you will lose closeness with your adult child. Parents need to learn to LET GO.

[confused7035]

I didn't realize there were new posts. Thanks for the replies. So things haven't quite went as well as I had expected. It started off well: I created my first bank account, deposited my savings, applied for financial aid for tuition(approved), and found a couple decent apartments not too far from school.

 

The final step was to tell my parents and then leave. Maybe I'm a coward but I've been stuck on this step for a month. I keep scheduling dates in my mind to tell them but then at the last moment I'm just not able to face them and say it. I feel so guilty when I imagine how devastated they'll be. I've contemplated leaving a note but that seems too rude and I think they deserve better.

 

I guess the main problem is that as far as I can remember, I've never really disappointed my parents. Never got a detention, went against their rules, talked back to them, etc.. It wasn't because I agreed with them all the time but I just spent all these years, unknowingly, building a false "perfect" image of myself for them, lying to myself along the path. And now the thought of shattering that image is just unimaginable. I just wish I can suppress all my feelings for a moment, tell them and leave. It's driving me crazy. I wake up every morning asking myself if today is the day and then end up going to bed at night wondering that maybe it will be tomorrow.

 

I am confident that I can manage once I leave. I just have to take this one "little" step.

[Els]

I didn't realize there were new posts. Thanks for the replies. So things haven't quite went as well as I had expected. It started off well: I created my first bank account, deposited my savings, applied for financial aid for tuition(approved), and found a couple decent apartments not too far from school.

 

The final step was to tell my parents and then leave. Maybe I'm a coward but I've been stuck on this step for a month. I keep scheduling dates in my mind to tell them but then at the last moment I'm just not able to face them and say it. I feel so guilty when I imagine how devastated they'll be. I've contemplated leaving a note but that seems too rude and I think they deserve better.

 

I guess the main problem is that as far as I can remember, I've never really disappointed my parents. Never got a detention, went against their rules, talked back to them, etc.. It wasn't because I agreed with them all the time but I just spent all these years, unknowingly, building a false "perfect" image of myself for them, lying to myself along the path. And now the thought of shattering that image is just unimaginable. I just wish I can suppress all my feelings for a moment, tell them and leave. It's driving me crazy. I wake up every morning asking myself if today is the day and then end up going to bed at night wondering that maybe it will be tomorrow.

 

I am confident that I can manage once I leave. I just have to take this one "little" step.

 

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You've made good progress really, especially considering how you've been conditioned by your upbringing to be dependent on them. It's hard to break out of those dynamics, and it's great that you've already made a few first steps.

 

You don't necessarily need to 'shatter' any images. Just tell them you really need to live on your own to be independent, that you have received the financial aid to fund your own decision, and off you go.