Keeping Mental NC

[Praying4Peace]

How do you all in NC keep Mental NC? I find myself daydreaming about things we said or times we had. I find myself doing it when falling asleep or just driving around. I know its all crap now, but its still very fond feelings. We had a friendship that was deeper than any longterm plan and our chemistry was off the charts. I felt like I had some sort of hormonal imbalance, to me he is the hottest most attractive person on the planet...and that comes back to the emotional connection.

 

Another poster just wrote about how her and her exAP used to laugh. That's us. I remember tears rolling down my face, gasping for air, saying Please Stop because i couldn't breathe.

 

Just in general, its really hard to not remember such a nice time in your life when everything is down in the dumps. I need some serious tips. Thanks in advance.

[DelusionalOne]

How do you all in NC keep Mental NC? I find myself daydreaming about things we said or times we had. I find myself doing it when falling asleep or just driving around. I know its all crap now, but its still very fond feelings. We had a friendship that was deeper than any longterm plan and our chemistry was off the charts. I felt like I had some sort of hormonal imbalance, to me he is the hottest most attractive person on the planet...and that comes back to the emotional connection.

 

Another poster just wrote about how her and her exAP used to laugh. That's us. I remember tears rolling down my face, gasping for air, saying Please Stop because i couldn't breathe.

 

Just in general, its really hard to not remember such a nice time in your life when everything is down in the dumps. I need some serious tips. Thanks in advance.

 

Yeah, I am so not in mental NC. Even knowing everything I know and putting all the pieces together. I still remember and replay some of the more magical times. I wish I could forget everything...every.single.thing.

[Nattie]

Mental NC??! I couldn't even keep physical NC I am in no place to be handing out advice... but I would assume it's similar to mourning a death. If you're 100% serious, and want absolute NC, then I guess you have to face the same type of grieving, realizing that you will never have those moments again. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but that remains to be seen, for both of us. I send hugs your way, and I'm sorry you're going through this I'm not able to PM yet, but I would, and will when I can. You can never have too many supportive shoulders to lean on...

[MissBee]

I don't think there is such a thing as mental NC i.e. mental "No Contact" unless you're contacting them telepathically (which hey, don't knock it) .

 

NC for me initially is faking it until you make it. You can't erase your thoughts or feelings. But physically separating yourself and not contacting them helps those thoughts and feelings to sort themselves out and die out, whereas keeping in contact often makes you confused and strengthens your feelings.

 

I wouldn't worry about thinking about them. It's normal. I would think and talk and journal about my ex (not even just my exAP) and get it out of my system before going to do something else to get my mind off him.

[Praying4Peace]

It's just that Pierre always says that without mental NC one is doomed. Hermetic NC I think he calls it... Where is he anyways?

[who_am_i]

How do you all in NC keep Mental NC? I find myself daydreaming about things we said or times we had. I find myself doing it when falling asleep or just driving around. I know its all crap now, but its still very fond feelings. We had a friendship that was deeper than any longterm plan and our chemistry was off the charts. I felt like I had some sort of hormonal imbalance, to me he is the hottest most attractive person on the planet...and that comes back to the emotional connection.

 

Another poster just wrote about how her and her exAP used to laugh. That's us. I remember tears rolling down my face, gasping for air, saying Please Stop because i couldn't breathe.

 

Just in general, its really hard to not remember such a nice time in your life when everything is down in the dumps. I need some serious tips. Thanks in advance.

 

My therapist told me to make a deal with myself. She said that to try not to think about him at all will only make me think about him twice as much...and she was right. Instead her suggestion was more of a compromise. I could come up with a time every day where it was ok to think about him...like in the shower or on the ride to work, etc. When that time was over if I found myself thinking about him again I was to tell myself that I already had that time for today, but there would be more time for that tomorrow.

 

Sounded ridiculous to me to think this was possible given the amount of times I'd find myself focusing on him. But ya know what? It totally worked. First couple of days...ehhh, not so much. But the longer I kept at it the easier it got. Now sometimes when it's "time to think" I can't remember what it was I was trying to forget the day before.

 

Maybe it will help you too. Best of luck...this crap blows!

[RickFox]

Well when you find out what it is P4P and how to achieve it you let me know. 2 years down the road and those damn memories still slip in there at times.

[bambiwboone]

He was my best friend. It's hard to go from talking nonstop to No contact whatsoever. I have been through every stage, sad, angry, regrettful, embarrased. All in rotation. It's been 2.5 months I am still a little sad and I do think about him every night. I think about things he said or did. Think about how happy I felt. But I think when you can't have something..you tend to idolize it. What helps me is my friends drilling in reality to my head. How he is NOT a rockstar. He is NOT loved by all and he was a ****head to me and his wife. I try to think about all the sad times, the ups and down, and remember how I spent more time waiting for the ending then relaxing and enjoying our moment. Just try not to idolize him.

[bambiwboone]

Also, I read somewhere to tell yourself "I love you (your name)." It works, because it shows you love yourself more than torturing yourself. It makes you feel happy. Or just tell yourself you are not going to lick your vomit again, he he. Gross I know, but it's a part of your past for a reason and it probably was a hurtful part and needs not to be drudged over and over. Just like vomit.

[Goodbye]

There are some cognitive/behavioral techniques for minimizing the amount of time you spend dwelling on someone. I do a guided meditation everyday that uses the "Stop Thought" technique. It is worthwhile.

 

That being said, you do need to rehash stuff in your mind and think things over in order to heal. It is inevitable. Just try not to engage in too much fantasy. Don't make it better than it really was. For every time you let your mind entertain a wonderful night you had with the exMM, remind yourself of the anguish you felt when he wouldn't contact you on the weekend because you KNEW he was with his wife.

 

Distraction is also important. Take up something new that keeps your mind occupied for chunks of the day.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Over 3 years have gone by and there isn't a day that I don't think about him. At least I have periods of hours now that he doesn't invade my thoughts but because our shared interests something always reminds me. I have just resigned myself to the fact that it will be that way for a very long time. I just try very hard to redirect my thoughts. Sometimes it's easily done and other times it is not.

 

It's hell.

[findingnemo]

Mental NC? Yes, that's what I really needed. It was frustrating to be NC and yet always having those thoughts! I go to sleep thinking of him. I dream of him - some nice dreams and some nightmares. Right now I dream I'm yelling at him for something. Not every night anymore, just 2 or 3 times a week. It's disturbing.

 

Mental NC would be great!!

[LilGirlandOW]

I find myself reading old texts, as I have always backed them up to maybe in my mind prove to myself our A is a real R? I do this a lot...

 

I think another slight motive for keeping texts in the begining was if everything fell apart I had I guess "proof" that he was as actively persuing me as I was him, for all sorts of reasons, one biggie being our forbidden work A, which I have in saved texts his pressuring me to quit my job.

 

I enjoy going back when I'm bored and reading how they turned from casual "hi, how are you?" to now "i love you". Its an interesting story

[sybo24]

He was my best friend. It's hard to go from talking nonstop to No contact whatsoever. I have been through every stage, sad, angry, regrettful, embarrased. All in rotation. It's been 2.5 months I am still a little sad and I do think about him every night. I think about things he said or did. Think about how happy I felt. But I think when you can't have something..you tend to idolize it. What helps me is my friends drilling in reality to my head. How he is NOT a rockstar. He is NOT loved by all and he was a ****head to me and his wife. I try to think about all the sad times, the ups and down, and remember how I spent more time waiting for the ending then relaxing and enjoying our moment. Just try not to idolize him.

 

I could have wrote this.

 

The good thing about LS is that you never feel like you are alone in your feelings and thoughts. There is always a story just like mine and people here who understand what I am going through and don't judge me.

 

I journal my thoughts and then move on. This helps me. Good luck to you all xx

[Praying4Peace]

I find myself reading old texts, as I have always backed them up to maybe in my mind prove to myself our A is a real R? I do this a lot...

 

I think another slight motive for keeping texts in the begining was if everything fell apart I had I guess "proof" that he was as actively persuing me as I was him, for all sorts of reasons, one biggie being our forbidden work A, which I have in saved texts his pressuring me to quit my job.

 

I enjoy going back when I'm bored and reading how they turned from casual "hi, how are you?" to now "i love you". Its an interesting story

 

How on earth do you do this??? I don't have anything at all, if I did I think I'd be a basketcase reading them. I'm kinda impressed. Our texts were off the charts sappy/introspective/emotional/sexual. He has them all. I wonder if he looks.

[Louanne]

Did I write this?

 

I think about my best friend constantly. I'm in the very early stages of NC but not doing terribly well so I suppose I keep having to start again.

 

But he and I were/are best friends and I miss that and it hurts like crazy. i miss the laughts and the chatting. He once said to me 'promise that we will never stop laughing, chatting and being us'. We would chat and laugh constantly. Conversation flowed and not one second together was ever hesisant or awkward. We fit. I miss that.

[chalkfarm]

Over 3 years have gone by and there isn't a day that I don't think about him. At least I have periods of hours now that he doesn't invade my thoughts but because our shared interests something always reminds me. I have just resigned myself to the fact that it will be that way for a very long time. I just try very hard to redirect my thoughts. Sometimes it's easily done and other times it is not.

 

It's hell.

 

I am a 3 year veteran as well. The day after Father's Day.

 

The man crosses my mind daily but it is FAR from overwhelming.

 

I think absolutely no good thoughts about him. Or at least I try to think only negative things. I refuse to pine.

 

When the break happened, I killed him in my mind. Literally. I stabbed him in the heart like some kind of maniac. My tools even evolved from a large kitchen knife to a smaller more manageable ice pick. The latter required more physical action on my part but it was easier to wield - made it between the ribs with ease, effectively punctured kidneys and the sternum.

 

Clearly, I was in overkill. Ha!

 

My point is (another pun!) that perhaps the happy good thoughts are what need to be stopped or replaced.

 

He is a threat to your happiness and well being. A menace to your self esteem.

[Praying4Peace]

I am a 3 year veteran as well. The day after Father's Day.

 

The man crosses my mind daily but it is FAR from overwhelming.

 

I think absolutely no good thoughts about him. Or at least I try to think only negative things. I refuse to pine.

 

When the break happened, I killed him in my mind. Literally. I stabbed him in the heart like some kind of maniac. My tools even evolved from a large kitchen knife to a smaller more manageable ice pick. The latter required more physical action on my part but it was easier to wield - made it between the ribs with ease, effectively punctured kidneys and the sternum.

 

Clearly, I was in overkill. Ha!

 

My point is (another pun!) that perhaps the happy good thoughts are what need to be stopped or replaced.

 

He is a threat to your happiness and well being. A menace to your self esteem.

 

Very interesting. This is an actual scene you played out in your head (and yeah, I know its symbolic and you aren't a killer nor do you want to play this out in real life)?

[Clemenza]

I've had people tell me to think bad thoughts about my xMW, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I would be lying to myself and suppressing things for which I'm actually grateful. Even though the outcome hasn't been ideal, I'm completely grateful for connecting with someone on that level and for the things we shared. We never fought or said negative things about each other. After D-day 6 months ago, we were just in opposing head spaces at various times over the past 6 months. Timing was terrible, but we always conducted ourselves with respect for one another. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of bad mouthing her in my head just because it might be a fix for me. I'm striving to be ok with not being with her, while still acknowledging that a special person came into my life.

 

Will it delay my "recovery"? Quite possibly. But I also think it could help make that recovery more authentic, and leave me with some good memories and knowledge that love is out there for me. Instead of harboring false bitter feelings.

 

On the topic of mental NC, good luck with that. When you become that intimate (more so mentally) with someone, I think it's too much to demand total mental NC from yourself. I think aiming for a time in which you're not pining for that person is more realistic.

 

xMW is on my mind ALL the time. There are many moments throughout the day when something happens, or a thought crosses my mind, that I really want to tell her because I think only she would appreciate it. Our humor and outlook on life align so perfectly that I always want to tell her things. And I can say with 99% certainty that she has that type of mental contact with me, too. I'm doing less pining, though, and I consider that a victory. Even though I do have my weak moments. I've been rationalizing why we're not together. Taking a more pragmatic approach. The moments without anxiety are starting to outweigh the moments with anxiety. Another victory.

 

 

TL;DR - Mental contact is a natural thing, and might not be all that bad. If anything, the pining is the thing that needs to be curbed.

[Praying4Peace]

I've had people tell me to think bad thoughts about my xMW, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I would be lying to myself and suppressing things for which I'm actually grateful. Even though the outcome hasn't been ideal, I'm completely grateful for connecting with someone on that level and for the things we shared. We never fought or said negative things about each other. After D-day 6 months ago, we were just in opposing head spaces at various times over the past 6 months. Timing was terrible, but we always conducted ourselves with respect for one another. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of bad mouthing her in my head just because it might be a fix for me. I'm striving to be ok with not being with her, while still acknowledging that a special person came into my life.

 

Will it delay my "recovery"? Quite possibly. But I also think it could help make that recovery more authentic, and leave me with some good memories and knowledge that love is out there for me. Instead of harboring false bitter feelings.

On the topic of mental NC, good luck with that. When you become that intimate (more so mentally) with someone, I think it's too much to demand total mental NC from yourself. I think aiming for a time in which you're not pining for that person is more realistic.

 

xMW is on my mind ALL the time. There are many moments throughout the day when something happens, or a thought crosses my mind, that I really want to tell her because I think only she would appreciate it. Our humor and outlook on life align so perfectly that I always want to tell her things. And I can say with 99% certainty that she has that type of mental contact with me, too. I'm doing less pining, though, and I consider that a victory. Even though I do have my weak moments. I've been rationalizing why we're not together. Taking a more pragmatic approach. The moments without anxiety are starting to outweigh the moments with anxiety. Another victory.

 

 

TL;DR - Mental contact is a natural thing, and might not be all that bad. If anything, the pining is the thing that needs to be curbed.

 

EVERYTHING you said is how I'm approaching it. Especially the bolded! It's been 6 months and I'm sure people will think I'm crazy to not get over it, but it's because i refuse to rewrite history. I still love him, as a person, regardless of what our relationship is or isn't.

 

My therapist told me that it's still possible to heal and move on but it just makes everything more painful. That's fine with me

[Act Two]

I made a list on the notes app on my phone of all of his bad qualities- I actually did this while in the affair. It only took me about 2 minutes to fill the page, SO that was helpful in seeing that it wasn't going to be a dream come true relationship either. If it had been completely fulfilled it would have been full of its own struggles and hardships. I guess in a way I was fortunate in that I was able to see many sides of the relationship and of him, so that it was easier not to overly romanticize it at the end.

[thefooloftheyear]

I feel for all of you...

 

Seven months in and the thoughts still creep in, but I am over the A and am in a much better place than I was in January...Sometimes I wish there was a way to "wash" the memory from our brains and clear out the hard drive, so to speak..Ive even considered hypnosis, even though I generally dont believe in it.

 

 

Hopefully with time we can all get there...I had been feeling pretty good, until she sent me a breadcrumb text last Wednesday...

 

Hang in there, peeps..

 

TFY

[chalkfarm]

Very interesting. This is an actual scene you played out in your head (and yeah, I know its symbolic and you aren't a killer nor do you want to play this out in real life)?

 

Yes. I absolutely played it out in my head. Mostly at night when I wanted so badly to escape.

 

And no, I would NEVER do anything violent. I NEVER contacted him after he decided to go back home. I NEVER spoke with his wife. I NEVER stalked or drove by his work (don't know where he lives). I was NEVER mean to him.

 

And for the record, we didn't fight either. The only time there were any terse words were when he told me he was "thinking about reconciling". We didn't have one of those "goodbye" and "good luck" conversations. He told me what he was thinking about and I said "do not call me again." The end. No name calling, no crying, admittedly some knee jerk blaming. Nothing dramatic except for what was happening inside of me.

 

Perhaps because we didn't have the closing conversation, I have only ill will for him. I do not wish him well. I do not wish him happiness. I wish him only loss and an unfulfilled life.

 

It always seems rather unbelievable to me when a MM or MW eviscerates an AP and the AP continues to wishes them well. How could one have been truly invested if they walk away unscathed with only memories of love and romance? And I'm not picking on anyone! We are all different. But I simply don't get it.

 

After the end of our "relationship", I wanted to die. Thought very seriously about it. Perhaps mentally turning the knife on him is what saved me... making my fantasies a survival tactic. I don't know. I wanted to do to him what he did to me. Cut his heart out.

 

Three years on and I am desperately scarred. I have survived but without my stuffing, without my strength, without my courage. Without any real hope.

 

And yes, I know what the meanies on here will say - you got what you deserved. You are acting like the victim. You are living the life you are wishing on him. But I am working to be better and to heal. I am working through therapy both group and independent, to see my own deficiencies and weaknesses. And my strengths! I am WORKING to be better.

 

I sincerely doubt my XMM is working on his demons. He told me he didn't believe. And so he will be more likely to dwell within that darkness forever. FOREVER. As mean and hateful as it sounds, I wish "darkness forever" for him.

 

Yes, that is how much he hurt me. Three years ago tomorrow.

[Clemenza]

Don't get me wrong, my situation has definitely screwed me up. I've started counseling, I barely got my appetite back, I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, I'm fine one minute then crying the next, and I've considered quitting my job so I don't have to be around her. I have a lot of anger, but I guess it's just a general anger. I can only get mad at someone if I think they're being malicious. I just don't think xMW was acting malicious toward me. She and I both had some missteps, but there was no malicious intent. There are obviously things about our situation that I don't miss, and I do try to think about those things as a way to be ok with not being with her. They are things that most OM/OW don't miss. But I'm just not mad at her, and don't feel the need to force being mad at her. Not saying that you're forcing it, as I'm sure you have your reasons for being angry in your situation.

[pest947]

Think about how happy I felt. But I think when you can't have something..you tend to idolize it. What helps me is my friends drilling in reality to my head. How he is NOT a rockstar. He is NOT loved by all and he was a ****head to me and his wife. I try to think about all the sad times, the ups and down, and remember how I spent more time waiting for the ending then relaxing and enjoying our moment. Just try not to idolize him.

 

That is EXACTLY it bambiwboone. That is how I found this site and I am so thankful I did. I kept trying to figure out why I put my AP/OW on a pedestal, despite what had been done to me. The fact is for many of us here, me including.... our AP/OM/OW filled a big hole in our lives, which further magnified their status. As someone stated on this site we tend to long for things we can't have, fancy cars, mansions, yachts, etc. They aren't always all they are cracked up to be.

 

Ask yourself:

 

1.) What do you love about this person? Most of us find we love the way they made us feel, rather then the person themselves. In my case it was a little bit of both.

 

 

2.) Do you really want to be with someone that dishonest? if they did it to BS they can do it to you. It's one thing if your in a bad marriage and get out, it's another if you carry on with someone while married.