No where else to turn

[Pardon_me]

I don't even know where to begin.... We have tried NC so much that my friends think we are still on NC even though we started up A again a couple of weeks ago.

 

I love him too much and miss him when we don't talk, we work so close to each other that we eat lunch together everyday. There was a period in time where he left his wife and was seeking counseling, but he ended up sleeping with her and she got pregnant. I told myself if there were ever kids involved I'd be done. Today he messaged me telling me his leave starts tomorrow and that baby is coming. I feel like now trying NC would be a good time because over the next few weeks he will have very limited conversations with me. But on the other hand I don't want to lose him from my life, the chemistry, the passion, the friendship. He has mentored me in financials, helped me learn the ropes of buying a car, been there as I work through single parenting, helped my family move, he is sweet to me, always touches me so tenderly. I forget everything when I am with him. He sends my boys birthday and Christmas presents, has been there since they were 4 months old. This summer will mark 3 years since A started.

 

I have cried over him so many times, but the good times still outweigh the bad in my opinion. Everything reminds me of him, everything. I can't ever stop thinking about him no matter how hard I try. I need help.

Edited May 22, 2013 by Pardon_me
Added details

[psm04]

Hi there, I am sorry that you are hurting. The one thing I have learned about NC is that you have to want it in order to be successful at it, and even at that, you will still go through the pain and grieving. But wanting it is the key. I know that you feel all the feelings, and I'm sure that they are real, but are you going to be able to handle it when that baby comes, and his life changes? I also see that you are single. I'd think that you want a permanent relationship at some point with someone who is available, and the A will get in the way. I hope I'm not sounding mean or anything.

 

Before I sent out the goodbye email to my xOMM (well, it hasn't truly been goodbye but I won't thread-jack), I wrote down a list of pros and cons about keeping in touch with him vs cutting things out completely, and I think that it helped me at the time. From your post, it doesn't seem like you can handle just being friends with him due to your feelings.

 

If you do start NC though, once you get past those first few days/weeks, things start getting much better. I actually felt like I got myself back. Take care of yourself :-)

[movingon45]

I don't even know where to begin.... We have tried NC so much that my friends think we are still on NC even though we started up A again a couple of weeks ago.

 

I love him too much and miss him when we don't talk, we work so close to each other that we eat lunch together everyday. There was a period in time where he left his wife and was seeking counseling, but he ended up sleeping with her and she got pregnant. I told myself if there were ever kids involved I'd be done. Today he messaged me telling me his leave starts tomorrow and that baby is coming. I feel like now trying NC would be a good time because over the next few weeks he will have very limited conversations with me. But on the other hand I don't want to lose him from my life, the chemistry, the passion, the friendship. He has mentored me in financials, helped me learn the ropes of buying a car, been there as I work through single parenting, helped my family move, he is sweet to me, always touches me so tenderly. I forget everything when I am with him. He sends my boys birthday and Christmas presents, has been there since they were 4 months old. This summer will mark 3 years since A started.

 

I have cried over him so many times, but the good times still outweigh the bad in my opinion. Everything reminds me of him, everything. I can't ever stop thinking about him no matter how hard I try. I need help.

 

I'm on the same boat. Tried NC many times, but yeah kept on having the A again. I think it depends on what you can take. If you can manage to be uninvolved and stay strong then go ahead. I thought I can, but he's away now with his family for 3 weeks and the NC is killing me. He can compartmentalise, while I can't.

[Pardon_me]

Yes! Couldn't have said it better myself. "compartmentalise' I had been searching for the right word to describe it. He'll be on paternity leave for three weeks. It sucks because I want to have a serious healthy relationship, but the only man I want it with is him. I feel stuck in a very hard place .

[Pardon_me]

Hi there, I am sorry that you are hurting. The one thing I have learned about NC is that you have to want it in order to be successful at it, and even at that, you will still go through the pain and grieving. But wanting it is the key. I know that you feel all the feelings, and I'm sure that they are real, but are you going to be able to handle it when that baby comes, and his life changes? I also see that you are single. I'd think that you want a permanent relationship at some point with someone who is available, and the A will get in the way. I hope I'm not sounding mean or anything.

 

Before I sent out the goodbye email to my xOMM (well, it hasn't truly been goodbye but I won't thread-jack), I wrote down a list of pros and cons about keeping in touch with him vs cutting things out completely, and I think that it helped me at the time. From your post, it doesn't seem like you can handle just being friends with him due to your feelings.

 

If you do start NC though, once you get past those first few days/weeks, things start getting much better. I actually felt like I got myself back. Take care of yourself :-)

 

 

I'm not sure what I want, but I'm glad I found a place where people understand the situation that I'm in. I felt so alone, especially with the secrecy of the whole thing.

[ComingInHot]

Pardon_me,

It just occurred to me while reading your topic, that You have integrated MM into you entire life. Your work day, your personal time, and into your children's life. While MM on the other hand has not. He has this Whole separate life that he keeps you out of.

It doesn't appear "equal" or fair to me.

 

Maybe, while you have this forced LC, you could talk to someone. IC, Mom or Dad, a BFF or sibling?

 

I believe A's, can make people lose their perspective/s. They can set the people involved into an irrational state unless you Accept your position w/in the A, and it works for you at this time. I've read here that an A, however not the first choice, still works for some.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope you find the support you need both here at LS & in your "real" life.*

[Nattie]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am grateful for finding this site, and I hope it can help you too. There really are people out there, in very similar situations, and it helps to know that you aren't the only one. I think that's important because like cominginhot said, you do lose your perspective, and with the secretive nature of A's, you feel completely alone in this forbidden world. There are plenty of folks willing to throw stones (and if they are BS's I can't say that I blame them) but also plenty who will offer nothing but support and genuine advice.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Sometimes the best decision is the hardest. Big hug.

 

Maybe you could try NC while he is out...and just see how you feel at the end of the 3 weeks. Maybe everything will change, maybe nothing will change, but you have an opportunity to try.. just a thought. I can't give up on my OM either (he has a gf, I am married)...I don't know how to let go.

[Goodbye]

Yes! Couldn't have said it better myself. "compartmentalise' I had been searching for the right word to describe it. He'll be on paternity leave for three weeks. It sucks because I want to have a serious healthy relationship, but the only man I want it with is him. I feel stuck in a very hard place .

 

 

Pardon me, I can relate to your longing and heartache. I didn't have the dynamic of a new baby in my equation with exMM. As someone outside your situation, I must say you need to end things.

 

I failed at NC. I'm in NC but no longer really call it that. What I call it is a break up. I think sometimes NC becomes this "challenge." Instead of focusing in not contacting him and/or resisting his contacts, think of ENDING it. Only by accepting that it is over can you move on to find someone new. There ARE other men who can make you feel the same way this man does. Men who aren't married. I'm afraid you are set up for great hurt. When the baby comes he will need to be with the baby and his wife. If you have kids, you probably recognize that this is an incredibly bonding experience for a couple.

 

Have you tried counseling? I've been seeing a therapist and doing a group. It has helped me to accept the end of things. I still miss my exMM and I do still think that he could have been "a" right one (there are more than one soulmates out there); but I've accepted that it isn't going to happen and it is a waste of emotional energy for me to continue to try to be a couple with someone who has CHOSEN to stay married.

 

Work on letting go. It isn't easy, but you can do it and you will feel so much better once acceptance sets in. You won't feel like an addict needing a fix of love from a man who isn't good for you.

 

Hang in there.

[LilGirlandOW]

Pardon Me, I'm still heavily involved with my MM, and found this site not too long ago. Its nice to have support and understanding from people who can relate to you, I have learned so much and gained new perspectives in the short time I've been here, I hope you find the same dear. The life of an OW is never easy... except the moments when we're with our MM, in my opinion anyways.

 

So welcome, cozy up in a warm blanket and take this as an opportunity for support and feedback and a place to vent and gain strength to build yourself up as a women deserving of much more than the hand you were dealt with your MM

 

Peace & Love:)

[whichwayisup]

Start looking for another job and as soon as you find something else, quit the current job. No way can you be around him anymore. Your A has to end! He's about to be a father. He has to focus on his new born and his wife. Don't try to compete with their baby - This IS setting yourself up for a huge hurt. He will choose his baby over you and the A, even if he has feelings for you.

 

Don't be so afraid of the pain of it being over. You will hurt for a while but you will survive. If you stay things will only get worse and you'll hurt much more continually (him being at home with his wife and baby rather than spending time with you) and you'll get jealous and feel more pain.

[underwater2010]

Please do him a favor and STOP! NOW! Give him time to focus on his new baby and his wife. This not good for him, YOU, or your kids.

 

This is going to hurt, I am not going to lie. But obviously you know that damage that is going to be caused. It is not going to end well today or in the future. I beg of you to let him go.

[Pardon_me]

Well I logged in to FB and saw that a mutual friend was posting congrats on the baby. She is here, it felt like a knife in the heart.

 

I have however made an appt with a counselor, I need this to stop. Although I am not sure how successful I will be.

[psm04]

Well I logged in to FB and saw that a mutual friend was posting congrats on the baby. She is here, it felt like a knife in the heart.

 

I have however made an appt with a counselor, I need this to stop. Although I am not sure how successful I will be.

 

Good job on setting up the appointment with the counselor. I am truly sorry that you are hurting, and I can relate to the 'knife in the heart' feeling.

 

Don't think about how successful you will be, thereby putting more pressure on yourself. Just take it one step at a time. You will get through this if that's what you want for you.

[forgetmenot75]

PArdon me, he's having a baby with his wife. No one gets pregnant by luck. The baby is due these days. PLEASE let this man alone. Focus in an available man, one that could give you the love and care you deserve. HE'S TAKEN, HE'S NOT YOURS (until he gets the divorce).

Think for a moment and do the right thing to do. STAY AWAY from him, chances are he'll want to stay with his wife and his newborn, and not with you.

[Pardon_me]

PArdon me, he's having a baby with his wife. No one gets pregnant by luck. The baby is due these days. PLEASE let this man alone. Focus in an available man, one that could give you the love and care you deserve. HE'S TAKEN, HE'S NOT YOURS (until he gets the divorce).

Think for a moment and do the right thing to do. STAY AWAY from him, chances are he'll want to stay with his wife and his newborn, and not with you.

 

I know all of this stuff, it doesn't stop the feelings from being there. The baby was conceived while he was not living at home. She wouldn't give him a baby, she didn't want kids, until he left and boom she gets pregnant.

 

I am already at a moral crossroads with this, I don't need to feel guilt-ed into leaving him alone. It's a lot easier said than done, which I am sure many on this site know.

 

As for an available man, I am so wrapped up in him that everybody seemingly pales in comparison to him. Remember I am at the very beginning of deciding whether to embark on a very long rough journey to get myself away from him.

[forgetmenot75]

do not embark in this trip. Will only bring sadness and pain to your life. You'll always be the OW. Is that what you want?

Go for a vacation, start thinking you need to move on.

I know it it easier to say than to do. Just keep in mind he was never yours, and that if he wanted to be with you, he shouldn't have sex with his wife without protection. He's not stupid, c'mon. You talk as if the bitch is only she.

[Praying4Peace]

I feel your pain. Do you want it to go away or even start going away? It'll get worse before it gets better.

 

Either keep LC and focus on meeting other people and expanding your life so he's a smaller part of it, or

 

Go NC and talk to your therapist and give yourself at least 2-3 months and see how you feel.

 

Please do one of the above or you'll feel like you are slowly dying...

[Pardon_me]

He will have even LESS time for you now with a daughter. Heck, he may begin to pull away from you -- when he looks into his daughters eyes and sees what he has done (cheating on the child's mother)....he may wonder how he would feel to know his daughter's one-day spouse would do to her what he is doing to her mother.

 

You have wrapped your whole life around him. You have made his your children's 'father' and that is so wrong for your kids.

 

He needs to man up and be a dad and husband. It was bad enough he was cheating on his pregnant wife...maybe having his daughter here will make him see what horrible behavior he has exhibited.

 

Take the next 3 weeks and focus on YOU and letting him go. His daughter needs him now; she is a baby and needs her daddy. Let him go. He was never yours to begin with.

 

Grieve and mourn the ending of the affair. You had a life before him; you will have a life without him. You control your own destiny and there is no 'valid' reason why you can't end the affair.

 

 

All very good points. I am drafting up the NC message, and I have an appt with a counselor on Friday. Ready or not here I go.