I cheated on him and he doesn't know yet

[musicgeek18]

A little background:

 

I am 18 years old and have just started attending college. I moved to the US around 9 years ago because my mother remarried and so we left all my family, including my father, in CR. Since I can remember my stepfather has been alcoholic and he used to be abusive even though he's not anymore. My father died two years ago because of a terminal disease.

I am describing all of this because it explains why I have always been in a relationship ever since I can remember. I started "dating" since I was 12 years old and I can't remember a time period over a month in which I was single. Once I broke up with someone or he broke up with me, I jumped into a new relationship. After a while, I got into a serious relationship of a year and 9 months while I was still in high school. When this guy returned after a summer program and broke up with me, I decided that there is no such thing as long-term relationships.

Eight months ago I met the man I am with right now that I am in love with and want to get married with much later in our futures. He is very committing in all aspects of his life and I trust him when he says that he wants to be with me forever, regardless of how I viewed my past relationship.

(I don't know why I babbled so much about irrelevant stuff but bear with me)

As the time for applying for college kept nearing, I started questioning whether or not our relationship could truly last. I was applying to a school that I really wanted to go to in another state while he was staying near to home. However, due to financial reasons, I now go to a school that is near to home too but different from where my boyfriend goes. I have been so happy with my relationship and cannot see myself with anyone else. My boyfriend is truly a mature man, regardless of whether he is only 18. He is compassionate, self-less and caring. He will go out of his way to do things for me. He loves me unconditionally. The fact that we are continuing our relationship in college truly means that we are in it for the long run now.

Ever since I started college here, I realize that I don't like a lot of girls. Sometimes I just get turned off by how shallow most girls are. I don't know why I do this. I do have a few friendships with girls however I seek friendships in guys all the time because I feel like I get along with them better. In a way, I am a tomboy. I love video games, and laugh out loud at sexist jokes. My boyfriend knows that I get along with the opposite sex better and has no problem with it because he trusts me. However, not only do I make these friendships with guys, I also seek their attention in other ways. I'll flirt to make them like me and to see how far it will go. I always am confident that it will just stop once it gets close to anything wrong.

I also started feeling jealous of people around me because they were single. I realized that most relationships don't work when they are brought from high school to college and I see everyone here so happy when they are experiencing new crushes. I am jealous but at the same time I feel guilty because how the hell can I find guys attractive and why will I flirt with them while I'm with someone else. I kept telling myself that I wish I could have met my current boyfriend in the future because all I wanted now during college is "have fun" and then settle with my perfect boyfriend later on in life.

And last night I was hanging out with one of my guy buddies in my room. He said something stupid about how we were inefficiently allocating our resources because "here we are, in a room, a girl and a guy and nothing is happening." I don't even know why I hooked up with him after he said that. Then he showed me a text message from his friend that said something like "you better be banging her now." That is such a disgusting thing to say and I should have just been turned off and I should have sent him out of my room. Yet last night I think I felt like it was already expected of us to hook up. I felt like in a way I was being pressured, however I'm not going to use that excuse because in fact, I could have just said no. I didn't enjoy anything that happened last night. I'm still a virgin so we didn't go that far of course, and I wouldn't for fear of contracting anything that I could possibly give my boyfriend in the future. All the time that I was with this guy I wanted it to end. I seriously considered at the moment that maybe I was being raped but then I ignored that knowing that I have the power to stop anything that I don't want to do. That is why I'm so confused about why I did it. Yes, the guy is nice and funny but I'm not even attracted to him. Since I wanted it to end, I did things that I thought would make it go faster so it could stop and I felt dirty the whole time. I woke up this morning I washed all my bed sheets and just lied down on my bed crying.

So these past few weeks I had been questioning how I would be able to keep my relationship through college but now I want to kill the girl that ever thought like that. Screw "having fun" during college. I don't see the point now if all that one gets is temporary and meaningless and incomparable to the relationship that I have and will keep having with my boyfriend. I hate to think that what happened last night, is what made me realize that I only want to be with my boyfriend. I don't even want to have guy friends anymore. My boyfriend doesn't deserve what I did to him. I can't even get mad at this guy for knowing that I have a boyfriend and doing what he did because I will NOT believe that I was raped if there was no physical force used.

If the right thing to do is tell my boyfriend, then I will tell him. However, I'd rather not, not because I fear what will happen, but because I would rather live with my own conscience punishing me for what I did than to hurt someone that deserves better. I can't take back what happened but I know that it won't happen again and that I no longer question the strength of our relationship. I want to be with him now forever. I don't know what to do. I need some sort of couseling and I don't know where to seek it. I'm a student with hardly any money but I will do anything to get some therapy. While it would be a relief to be told reasons for why I seek male attention even while I have this great relationship, I will always believe that I have responsibility over my actions regardless of my childhood, my past, etc.

Please give me some counsel. I want to keep my relationship. I know that my boyfriend will forgive me, I know it for a fact. That's why I'm not afraid to tell him. However, I canNOT hurt him. He has so many good things going for him right now at school, his sport, his career aspirations, what he believes is his "great" girlfriend, etc. I don't want to ruin it for him. But if it is the RIGHT thing to tell him because he is entitled to know then I will.

This hurts so much. I am sorry for the lack of coherence in what I just wrote. Thank you for bearing with me and for listening.

[Haunani]

music........it sounds like your totally confused, I think I am too In one part you said you didn't go that far you're still a virgin, and in the next breath, you said you woke up and changed the sheets and began crying. Did you or did you not have sex - consented sex?

 

Sounds to me and this is just my opinion, that you've always had some kind of male attention in your life, you thrive on this, you didn't know any other way. It doesn't sound like your truly committed to what a *relationship* is about, you know only that of jumping from one to another, and nothing was really ever too *serious* too long.

 

Oh girl, you just started college, your only 18, go have some fun. Before you get tied down and you'll wish you had played the field. There will be plenty guys, and if you still *love* this man, and him you, he will wait. But life's too short, you need to learn to be independent and know that you can take care of yourself, and not need anyone to do that for you.

[Mary3]

Well that was a very long letter but from it I gather that you are not ready for a long term committed relationship and thats Okay ! I did just what you did jumping from one to the next and never knowing what it was like being alone because being alone feels strange to those of us who always have relationships...

 

Since you are 18 you can forgive yourself for being confused about what you want in your life. I recommend you DO NOT confess anything to your bf. ( yet ) The best way is work it through yourself and then do the right thing.

That might mean ending this relationship

 

Were you raped ? I am going to ask you if you consented to this man doing what he did to you ? There was no intercourse ? If there was sexual touching sans intercourse it can still be sexual assault ...

 

Did he rape you or do you feel guilty about what happened and wonder if you really consented to it ?

[Splatty]

I'm not sure how your college works but most colleges have a counselling service that is included in your tuition fee.

 

Check out what your campus offers if that is what you mean by therapy.

[Merin]

Music, to me it sounds like you've got overwhelming guilt about cheating on your boyfriend, and right now you're unsure what to do with it...

 

IF you didn't tell this other guy NO or STOP at any time... even if you had thoughts in your head that you didn't want to be messing around with him, then it isn't rape or sexual assault. You (as you said in your post) had the power to STOP what was happening at any time, and you choose to allow it to continue and said nothing.

 

I do think it would be a good idea to get some counseling to find out why you feel you need this kind of attention from guys...

 

Guilt is driving you right now... and eventually if you don't find some resolution it's going to eat you up...

 

Talk to your boyfriend and express your concerns about the two of you being so young right now... and being in college... get some input from him, it may help to ease fears or concerns for both of you.

 

Good Luck

[GirlDown]

not to be the cynic, but these things happen all the time...in other words, your boyfriend could be doing the same thing right now.

 

i know, i know, you trust him, he loves you more than anything, would never do this to you, the whole nine yards...but he probably feels the same way about you, and look what you did...

 

my question is this...if you're too weak-spirited to say no to someone you're supposedly "not attracted to" , what will you do when someone that you are attracted to gives you the same attention after you've gotten over this particular situation? given your own self-admitted past history regarding males and your attention-seeking patterns with them, i think the answer is pretty clear.

 

the right thing to do is tell him what you did, that you need a break to think about things because you are obviously not mature enough to handle a serious relationship, and see what happens. even if you don't tell him what you did, at least show him some respect by not playing him like a violin.

even if you told him and he does forgive you, it seems to me that you would take that as a "get out of jail free" card everytime your eye strays to someone else. and forgiveness does not by any means justify cheating.

 

i also think you need counseling, but maybe focus on yourself as a whole. things can't get better or worse unless you make them that way.

 

good luck.

[guest]

To begin, Id like to say that im really freaked out. Alot of the information you presented makes me think of my girlfriend and though there are some differences, it still scares me...

 

So i guess my advice to you could be counted somewhat as what your boyfriend will think, because he sounds alot like me.

 

First off, you broke his trust in you. Weather its a lond distance or regular relationship you need to be able to trust the other person involved, especially in the case of a long distance relationship. If i was him, i would probably be upset about what you did, but if he read what you just posted here im more than certain he would be inclined to forgive you. But dont get your ideas wrong, you will have to earn his trust back.

 

Second, you have to tell him what you did, for your sake and his. Your sake because it will eat you inside as long as you are with him and your relationship will suffer as a consequence. His because, if he is the kind of person you portray, he will notice something is wrong, and since you wont want to tell him what's wrong you will just drive him away. Not to mention he will be heartbroken that the woman he loves wont let him help her. He may even start to misinterpret your guilt into you no longer loving him, depending of course on how well you hide your guilt.

 

What you have to do is simple in theory, but I cant hide that it will be difficult for you to do. You need to accept your mistakes and you will have to come clean and face the concequences. Maybe he will break up with you, maybe he will forgive you. If hes anything like me hes quick to trust and forgives easely. It will be up to you to rebuild trusts between the two of you if thats the case, dont "willingly" accept his forgiveness. If you do, it might escape your mind but it will always nag at him. So make up for it.

 

He will be shocked, He probably will be disgusted, and its possible he will break up with you. But one thing is for sure, he will lose hair and he wont be happy if he sees something is eating you up. Answer his questions, he WILL have some, and you avoiding them will only aggravate him more. I know you might not want to answer some of them, but dont say "I dont wanna tell you that" outright. Maybe answer by "Are you sure that is something you want to know?", because if i was him, i'd ask what those "disgusting things you did" were.

 

Its VERY probable he will require time, with or aparty from you, give it to him. Pressuring never helps. Just make sure to be attentive to him, and if he does want to get in contact with you make sure your available for him. Dont have him send you emails you will only read 5 hours later.

 

This is my opinion though, this is what I would want my girlfriend to do in such a situation. And like I said im kinda freaked by all this since it feel so similar. Ill leave some initials, that arent my real ones, but that you should recognise if your my girl heh. At least if its me you will know im already sitting with my seatbelt fastened.

 

Best of luck,

I. E.

[insecure]

Originally posted by Haunani

Oh girl, you just started college, your only 18, go have some fun. Before you get tied down and you'll wish you had played the field. There will be plenty guys, and if you still *love* this man, and him you, he will wait. But life's too short, you need to learn to be independent and know that you can take care of yourself, and not need anyone to do that for you.

 

So if im getting this correctly your saying that because she's 18 its ok for her to cheat? Fine she doesnt HAVE to marry this man, but that doesnt imply its ok for someone to cheat.

 

Shes played the field, havent you read? 6 years of nonestop relationships, jumping from one guy to the next. I'd say she played the field and she found a guy who started treating her right so she wants to settle with him.

 

As for being independant well, I agree that she has to take care of herself. And the fact that she is trying to keep a relationship with her boyfriend who goes to a different school is a good step.

 

She seems really driven by guilt and I dont think she'll be doing that again. Just remember this, next time a situation like that happens and you know something intimate is about to happen think of your boyfriend. Keep a picture of him in your room, in plain sight, so if at any moment your "urges" with other men start acting up again you can look at his picture and think really hard about what your about to do, how its going to hurt him. Like you said he doesnt deserve that.

 

IMHO, you have to tell your boyfriend. He has the right to know that your having trouble. Look at it this way, its better that you fix this issue right now, if he dumps you then at least you will learn something important, and better now then when your married and have two kids and you start doing stuff to the neighbour that your husband would not like.

[Haunani]

Originally posted by insecure

So if im getting this correctly your saying that because she's 18 its ok for her to cheat? Fine she doesnt HAVE to marry this man, but that doesnt imply its ok for someone to cheat.

 

Shes played the field, havent you read? 6 years of nonestop relationships, jumping from one guy to the next. I'd say she played the field and she found a guy who started treating her right so she wants to settle with him.

 

I'm sorry....I don't think I mentioned anything about it's *Okay to cheat*, where in my post did I say that? Playing the field and Cheating are 2 different things. At least that's how I view it. Maybe you should read that again.

 

Originally posted by musicgeek18

My boyfriend knows that I get along with the opposite sex better and has no problem with it because he trusts me. However, not only do I make these friendships with guys, I also seek their attention in other ways. I'll flirt to make them like me and to see how far it will go. I always am confident that it will just stop once it gets close to anything wrong.

I also started feeling jealous of people around me because they were single. I realized that most relationships don't work when they are brought from high school to college and I see everyone here so happy when they are experiencing new crushes. I am jealous but at the same time I feel guilty because how the hell can I find guys attractive and why will I flirt with them while I'm with someone else. I kept telling myself that I wish I could have met my current boyfriend in the future because all I wanted now during college is "have fun" and then settle with my perfect boyfriend later on in life.

 

And yes, I read that she had played the field for 6 years - and so what? She's obviously not *committed* into this relationship as she *wants* to be - she's obviously flirting and looking for attention in the opposite sex. If she truly loved her boyfriend, she would not even be in that room to begin with. So yeah, I would say, she's not READY to commit to a long term relationship. She loves the *idea* of having one, but doesn't know how to go about staying in one.

 

Originally posted by musicgeek18

My boyfriend knows that I get along with the opposite sex better and has no problem with it because he trusts me. However, not only do I make these friendships with guys, I also seek their attention in other ways. I'll flirt to make them like me and to see how far it will go. I always am confident that it will just stop once it gets close to anything wrong.

I also started feeling jealous of people around me because they were single. I realized that most relationships don't work when they are brought from high school to college and I see everyone here so happy when they are experiencing new crushes. I am jealous but at the same time I feel guilty because how the hell can I find guys attractive and why will I flirt with them while I'm with someone else. I kept telling myself that I wish I could have met my current boyfriend in the future because all I wanted now during college is "have fun" and then settle with my perfect boyfriend later on in life.

 

She's being a typical college 18 year old student who's been involved with a wonderful man that treats her good and if she was totally serious about him as he is about her, and their future together, she would trust herself to be with other guys - cause she's *one of them*., but she doesn't trust her own instinct, she has not yet figured out what a real relationship is based on. She's not ready.

 

Originally posted by insecure

As for being independant well, I agree that she has to take care of herself. And the fact that she is trying to keep a relationship with her boyfriend who goes to a different school is a good step.

 

A good step? She's in college, it's a new beginning, a new life. She said she had mostly *guy* friends and her boyfriend sees *no problem* with that because he *trust* her, and she loves him totally, unfortunately, not enough to stay away from the dangers of other mens attention.

 

Originally posted by insecure Just remember this, next time a situation like that happens and you know something intimate is about to happen think of your boyfriend. Keep a picture of him in your room, in plain sight, so if at any moment your "urges" with other men start acting up again you can look at his picture and think really hard about what your about to do, how its going to hurt him. Like you said he doesnt deserve that.

 

Your kidding again right? First off, if she's TOTALLY in love with this guy and wants to make it work, she should not ever put herself in that predicament again. Okay, so there's other guys around, so too there shall be other girls as well, and when they leave, so she will too. What is the point of having his picture in her room in case those *urges* come.........do you think she's going to be able to *stop* in the midst of a *heated* act? Will she be in the middle of it and see his picture, and oops 2nd time, guilty as charged, oh what the heck, turn the picture over.

 

What I was saying to this gal is that she simply isn't ready for a committment - not a long term one. That she just started college, it's her *fun* years, there will be plenty of time in her life to find that right one and *settle* down. Get an education, be independent, enjoy her freedom at an adult level.

 

If she truly honestly LOVES this guy, then she will not place herself to be so vulnerable. Since she isn't committed as she believes or wishes, go have some fun while your young.

 

Insecure........that tells me all.

 

You only get one chance at it.........make it the best.

 

I know that if my 18 yo son went to college and this happened, I would say, Son, that's part of life.........enjoy it.