She Wants to Keep Her Last Name...Dealbreaker?

[serial muse]

It just occurred to me that maybe your friend is more afraid of your judgment if he doesn't object to this than whether she's really being disrespectful.

 

This whole name-changing brouhaha seems to be largely about peer pressure: some guys being afraid of what other guys are going to say about them if they don't lay down the law. I doubt anyone actually cares too much about the actual name; it's the loss of face that is really the issue.

 

His balls are in your purse, in other words.

[RedRobin]

So now you can make assumptions about my upbringing based on my views on a single topic? Wow I hope your using that ability to make money. So now we have the disapproving feminist views I expected. Are there any men willing to be honest about what they think of this? I don't know many men who disagree with me on this, and my group of male friends includes a wide variety of cultures, races, and economic backgrounds.

 

This has nothing to do with feminist views.

 

I have (male and female) who have chosen differently than you and have marriages that have lasted far longer than the type you seem to prefer.

 

Although, I have no doubt that the people in your social circle agree with you.

[dreamingoftigers]

So now you can make assumptions about my upbringing based on my views on a single topic? Wow I hope your using that ability to make money. So now we have the disapproving feminist views I expected. Are there any men willing to be honest about what they think of this? I don't know many men who disagree with me on this, and my group of male friends includes a wide variety of cultures, races, and economic backgrounds.

 

Check the thread, not everyone is female and your view isn't the top vote.

 

Seems you've got a real "thing" about this "feminist agenda."

 

So, would he be "giving up his manhood" if he changed his last name to her's so that they could have the same one?

 

Side note: I always notice that the people who claim "I know everyone from everywhere and they mostly all think like me, except Lenny, but he's slow." Generally IMO don't strongly associate with "everyone from everywhere."

 

Maybe it's different for you. Just what I've noticed in the course of my life.

My favorite example of this was right after the Boston Marathon incident. My half-wit (and that's being generous) cousin wrote on my timeline about how everyone that was Muslim and in the 2nd and 3rd world was a terrorist and they should just obliterate the whole third world blah blah blah. (This guy isn't 14 by the way, he's closer to 30 and his mother is from PAKISTAN. But she was the daughter of Catholic missionaries. Still dark/Pakistani, but he of course doesn't count that at all.)

 

What of course this little font of wisdom didn't know is that one of my very closest circle of friends is a Somali Muslim. She was a refugee who came to the US in '92 and then emigrated to Canada. So that didn't go over well. Of course he tried to "bring democracy" to my timeline and state how every single terrorist event in US history was caused by Muslims and how no Muslims stopped them. Yuck. He's also rather poor at math, apparently. So just before being dumped off of my friends list and chewed out by a small swath of my friends (non-Muslim, many who weren't even acquainted), he says he has "lots of Muslim friends and they all agree with him.":rolleyes:

 

Yes, I am sure he has gone to many a mosque. Many, many a time. Some of the other comments he had to say were pretty blatantly not things even a second-gen Muslim in this country would befriend unless they had a whole bucket of self-hate going on.

 

I'll be honest, I was pretty protectionist about my own name. I didn't see why I should have to change mine over at all. I thought it was very rude and outdated. My husband didn't see it as a big deal. Everyone's different. Now seeing how the names worked out for us, it isn't a big thing to me at all.

 

In general I think it would be smarter for women to keep their name because relationships ARE unstable creatures and you could end up changing your name 3, 4, 5 times (if you are just that unlucky to be widowed and divorced that many times).

 

If men place such a value of their own name, why should ours be of less value? Why should there be an expectation for us to switch it?

[Treasa]

I am thinking of as gentle a way to say this, as not to risk causing damage to your fragile ego, OP, but I'm fairly sure that a woman who insists on keeping her last name is not a bag of garbage that would indeed sit out on your curb, crying because now she had no way of coping without your magnificent manliness.

 

If you would like me to put it in a more colloquial way, I'd suggest that any man who has such an issue needs to man the **** up and grow a set, because life isn't easy, and that should be the ****ing least of your concerns in this world.

Edited May 22, 2013 by Treasa

[MidwestUSA]

Married seventeen days and haven't got to the paperwork yet. I'm going to ask HIM to change HIS name to MINE!

[tman666]

Haha, well, here it goes:

 

I'm getting married in about 5 months. I've been engaged to my girl for a little over a year now.

 

Before we got engaged, she and I had talked a bit about this topic. Her view is that she is proud of her last name and family (and why shouldn't she be?), and wouldn't mind keeping her name, or doing the hyphenated thing.

 

Even though I wanted to be "ok" with this notion as someone who strives to be logical yet progressive-thinking, my gut couldn't go with it.

 

It has nothing to do with wanting her to "obey me" or for me to control her. We don't have that kind of relationship, and we never have. Still, I couldn't help but feel like this was some sort of rejection at my own family.

 

After I proposed, however, she did a 180 and said that she was excited to take my last name, haha. So go figure. I don't think it was anything I said or expressed to her; it seems that she came to this conclusion on her own.

 

I don't have any strong views either way about what is "right or wrong" here. I know that the prospect of her not taking my last name put sort of a sour taste in my mouth, but I can only speak for myself here. It's not like I, as a guy, view couples who choose to do things differently as any less, or guys who choose to take the last names of their wives as automatically being cuckolded.

[dreamingoftigers]

So this whole thing, which is really a question about keeping a last name or not, has been set up to just incite a gender back and forth, reinforcing those evil, feminazi-type responses.

 

It doesn't seem like you are looking for opinions based on the topic. It looks like you are trying to spark something malicious based on gender lines. To reinforce your own views on "how women will behave towards men to usurp their respect and power."

 

Most successful relationships are not based on power and respect battles. Going into a relationship with a woman from that angle is almost entirely doomed to fail.

 

Pretty sure how this is going to go down, but it could be fun anyway. Despite the flaming I'm sure I'll get, If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb. Just seems to be another way women want us to "be the man", but want to take away his ability to be the head of his household. Marry a woman like that, and you will never see a day of respect. If a man asked 100 other men, if they would marry a woman that wanted to keep her last name, I'd bet 95 of them would say no way in hell. Might as well keep your balls in her purse. Flame on!

 

And out come the claws. lol And I immediately lose the ability to earn respect because I wouldn't marry a woman who wants to keep her last name? What you mean is, I have to agree with YOU, and do what YOU want, or there's no way to get respect.

 

And interpret twist a poster's personal opinion as being a Feminist pusher of male submission and disrespect. That's a reach, at best.

 

No I'm saying she is being disrespectful.

^^^^That would be an opinion about the topic raised. Bravo.

 

So now we have the disapproving feminist views I expected. I don't know many men who disagree with me on this, and my group of male friends includes a wide variety of cultures, races, and economic backgrounds.

 

Nobody quoted feminism or a feminist cause to keeping a last name. And you wrap up by saying, essentially your foregone conclusion of: "Women don't respect, here's the feminists, and the men who I am acutely aware of from all swaths of life resist that. Go men.

 

The fate of the genders decided. Plenty of the posts regarding the topic ignored. Your own personal views on gender relations vaguely reinforced (in your head) and the rest of us will pretty much discuss the actual ramifications of keeping (or not) a last name post-marriage.

 

Interesting. I should do this more often in threads.

[CryForNoOne]

Pretty sure how this is going to go down, but it could be fun anyway. A friend of mine moved to Seattle from Atlanta about 3 years ago. He's been seeing the same woman exclusively for about a year. He called me last night, and said he was thinking about proposing, but she had said in passing that she wanted to keep her last name if she ever got married. He's 43, and she's 38, and it's not her fathers last name. It's her ex husband's, and her 1 child is grown and moved out. Despite the flaming I'm sure I'll get, If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb. Just seems to be another way women want us to "be the man", but want to take away his ability to be the head of his household. Marry a woman like that, and you will never see a day of respect. If a man asked 100 other men, if they would marry a woman that wanted to keep her last name, I'd bet 95 of them would say no way in hell. I can see it with celebrities, where maybe she built her success on that name, but otherwise no way. Might as well keep your balls in her purse. Flame on!

 

Seriously - who the f**k cares. I'd kick anybody to the curb who creates this thread. There are 999999999 things more important in a partnership...

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously - who the f**k cares. I'd kick anybody to the curb who creates this thread. There are 999999999 things more important in a partnership...

 

I'm guessing you aren't one of his great swath of male friends who speak in a unison chorus about how someone born with a different set of genitals cannot choose for themselves what to call themselves after being married, lest they disrespect the "leader of the household?":laugh:

[Keenly]

I don't know, call me old fashioned, but I would like her to want my last time. To be a part of my family, especially because I'm the only person in my family with my fathers last name / lineage.

 

 

It would just hurt my feelings if she said she would rather not take my name. It would feel like she is only halfway into the idea of getting married, or does not plan on it being permanent, or she wants to hide the fact that she is married to me in the future. I don't know, I just want her to want me, and my name.

 

I don't want it to be her and me. I want it to be us.

[RogerWallace111]

I used to say I didn't want to change my name because of my son. Now that he's older, I dont have a problem with it, especially since its not my maiden name. I see it as disrespectful for a woman to keep her exes name when she remarries. Its like a slap in the face to the new husband.

 

Its quite odd that she wants to keep her ex husbands name with her son grown and out of the house. Her maiden name, I would say let her have it. Her ex husbands name - nope.

 

She's strangely attached to something that is not hers. Is she crazy? LOL

 

Mhmm I agree. If the name in question was her maiden name, I'd be "flamin'" the OP too.

[CryForNoOne]

I'm guessing you aren't one of his great swath of male friends who speak in a unison chorus about how someone born with a different set of genitals cannot choose for themselves what to call themselves after being married, lest they disrespect the "leader of the household?":laugh:

 

I guess much of this depends on how you were raised. If you grew up in "middle America" where everybody around you places great significance on such things, then i guess it is important. Because if you are the one guy who caves, all your male friends look at you like "WTF is wrong with you? Pussy whipped?" Also many of the women know the significance so they are winning some sort of power struggle. Thankfully in LA, most people don't care as we have no tradition and more than half the couples I know are international or interracial.

[CryForNoOne]

I don't know, call me old fashioned, but I would like her to want my last time. To be a part of my family, especially because I'm the only person in my family with my fathers last name / lineage.

 

 

It would just hurt my feelings if she said she would rather not take my name. It would feel like she is only halfway into the idea of getting married, or does not plan on it being permanent, or she wants to hide the fact that she is married to me in the future. I don't know, I just want her to want me, and my name.

 

I don't want it to be her and me. I want it to be us.

 

My point is that taking that position is more about YOU or tradition than US. You keep you family lineage through the children. Your wife's last name is only about if you have an ego that can be bruised...

[Xinreeki]

And out come the claws. lol And I immediately lose the ability to earn respect because I wouldn't marry a woman who wants to keep her last name? What you mean is, I have to agree with YOU, and do what YOU want, or there's no way to get respect. LOL yeah OK...

 

And out comes the masculinazi grumbles designed to stereotype and pigeonhole all women as evil, disrespectful ogresses...

 

*Sighs*

 

Seriously?!? Do you really think a woman is nothing but an over-demanding bitch, who should be "kicked to the curb" (as you so eloquently put it), just because she prefers to keep her own name?

 

At the end of the day names don't really matter. All that really matters is whether you share a mutual loving and respectful relationship with your partner. And if you truly have that, you would never "kick your partner to the curb", purely because they didn't want to change their name!

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know, call me old fashioned, but I would like her to want my last time. To be a part of my family, especially because I'm the only person in my family with my fathers last name / lineage.

 

 

It would just hurt my feelings if she said she would rather not take my name. It would feel like she is only halfway into the idea of getting married, or does not plan on it being permanent, or she wants to hide the fact that she is married to me in the future. I don't know, I just want her to want me, and my name.

 

I don't want it to be her and me. I want it to be us.

 

And that is a totally valid and cool opinion to have.

 

I, as well, was bothered by my family's name disappearing for quite awhile. I am the only non-autistic child in my family. Both of my siblings are not high functioning enough to ever marry or have children. My brother is severely brain-injured on top of it all in fact.

 

Although my childhood was a mess, I wore my last name with a sense of pride because I looked at it as a reminder of the history I had overcome, and that I could pass on a new meaning of it with my own children if I had a mate open-minded enough to hyphenate with me. He did. And even though we've had other issues, and we have since changed our last name, I'll never forget that he did it and was willing to go halfway with me on it. I cherish that.

 

He dealt with years of being called Mr. R (my father's name) and now I deal with being called Mrs. H (his mother's name - it gives me chills). But it's okay, it's ours. We dealt with our files getting lost or moved. Horrid butchery of pronunciation and spelling (and both of our last names were simple!) Having to explain it over and over to some people who just couldn't get what a hyphen was. Oh jeez. So strange. Checks not being cashed because they would be written to one or the other last name. Ugh. Plus, honestly, I think it cursed us. Year after year of miserable luck. Two unlucky families and then we put the names together! We're lucky a vortex didn't open and swallow our house.

 

The week I switched my name (legally, so even the birth certificate gets replaced) things started looking up. Then he did his, and it was much better too. I'm glad that we are a unit again without a bunch of hassle on top of it. I even changed my first name because I was sick of it.

 

Funnily enough, my father never even appreciated the passing on of his last name. He was even offended that his son-in-law had it for awhile (my father hates everyone, except for my daughter, that'll change when she's older. He's really miserable. I am NOT kidding.) He resented that I even hyphenated. And then after, he resented even worse that I changed it at all. HE told me it was disrespectful of me to change my last name to my HUSBAND's. And that there was "nothing wrong with the name he gave me and it showed a lack of loyalty to the family." This was just when I had assumed the last name, not even taken it legally. When it was brought to his attention that my mother had changed her name to his that "was different." Nothing would have made him happy anyhow. No regrets there.

[Pompeii]

I would feel slighted if she didn't want to take my name. I would feel as if she is rejecting my family and who I am. I realize that there are feminists who feel as if a man's last name is a relic of old times of "ownership", but to me, this isn't even a patriarchal thing. It's just something that you do when you get married. I have no problem with what other people want to do with their marriage, but if I am investing time and energy into this thing, it is only fair that we do it the traditional way, especially if we divorce I will be the one who will be coming out with the most damage.

[dreamingoftigers]

especially if we divorce I will be the one who will be coming out with the most damage.

 

That is highly subjective and debatable. Varies from circumstance to circumstance widely. I would have been much more affected by a divorce than my husband. On paper and otherwise.

[Treasa]

My family is extremely important to me. I belong very much to them, and they to me. So my future husband would have to get the **** over it and realize he can keep his last name and I can keep mine, thus it being equal (I have no qualms about kids taking their father's last name, though, because it gives me greater bargaining power in their first names, mwahahahaha), or we BOTH hyphenate our last names together.

 

I'm not marrying into another guy's family. If anything, he's marrying into mine. Am I biased? Of course. I have the best family ever. To ME.

[MidwestUSA]

You could use your last name as children's middle name.

Or her husband's last name as their middles name(s)!

[happydate]

So now you can make assumptions about my upbringing based on my views on a single topic? Wow I hope your using that ability to make money. So now we have the disapproving feminist views I expected. Are there any men willing to be honest about what they think of this? I don't know many men who disagree with me on this, and my group of male friends includes a wide variety of cultures, races, and economic backgrounds.

 

It is what society and our higher education system teach us -- conform and obey. And what you are proposing is that people with different views than you is to attack and villify them with name calling so you can make them conform and obey to your ideology. Is this an accurate description of you since you've dealt your card?

 

Cheers..

[Shepp]

I think its less to do with wanting to 'be the man' but more to do with family connections! her name connects her to her family - like I would never give up my name cause it means to much to me, its who I am, where I come form so I can understand why a girl might feel like that.

 

But more so if it connects her to her kids - it can be complicated to have a different name, especially from school aged kids, cause forms and things don't match.

[StanMusial]

I'm a traditional guy so I would expect my wife to change her last name to mine. Its hard to say whether it would be a dealbreaker because I seriously doubt I would ever consider marriage with the type who would balk at this tradition.

 

Just based on the few women I've met who have mentioned they wouldn't change their name I can see why one might consider them ballbusters.

[BluEyeL]

Not all cultures change the wife's name to the husband's.

 

It's really an outdated tradition. Like I said, I changed my last name because "everone did it" when I got married, so didn't think much of it, didn't mind it either way, but now I have legitimate reasons not to change it (published author). I think men should adapt to our times, women have other roles in the society and they are no longer marrying "into a family". Nobody's marrying into anybody else's family.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I dont see why this would be a deal breaker. Thats a little silly.

[CarrieT]

Oh, Geeez....

 

I am in a BDSM relationship where I am the slavegirl to a loving and protective Master who asked me to marry him. He is the most traditional kinda guy you could think of (likes me at home to cook breakfast and dinner for him and his kids, etc.). His children have his name and I will not be producing children for him (we are in our 50s).

 

But - because I am a published author and artist with work in galleries around the country, he is okay with me keeping my last name after we marry because I will be his regardless of our names.