She Wants to Keep Her Last Name...Dealbreaker?

[Xinreeki]

If it was me, I'd kick her to the curb.

 

How about... for a moment... just out of interest... you try reversing this scenario in your head...

 

Suppose a woman was giving YOU an ultimatum. Telling you-

 

"Either you change your name to mine or we're through!! Either you change your name to mine or I'll kick you to the curb!"

 

You'd walk right?

 

It would be a sign of a VERY controlling, demanding and petty individual, and not someone you would even want to consider marrying anymore.

 

Well, flip that... And that is how any mentally healthy (non-codependent) woman is going to see things.

[Treasa]

I guess what burns me is the fact that some women want marriage..push for it...and then don't want his name. Why bother getting married? cake eaters.

 

I personally don't want to get married. That being said, I know a lot of women who do, or who are married, and their husbands aren't up in arms over this. That's probably how they managed to snag such awesome chicks.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have a bigger set myself than pretty much any guy I know. Income, drive, ambition, talent, strength, integrity, and wisdom are not gender-specific.

 

If I ever have to depend on a guy to provide for me, then I'll consider doing something as a gesture for him. But honestly, I'd rather work three fast food jobs than live off someone else.

 

It's from an earlier portion of the thread, where he mentions carrying the balls in one's purse.

 

I have had periods in my life where I have lived off of others. I was a panhandling traveler. Honestly. And it was the most physically draining/tiring/sweaty/gross/uncomfortable experience. But I got to see a lot, and learn a lot about people. Nowadays I am generous as much as I can be.

 

I've never sat around and used a singular person sucking the life off of them though. Whereas I do not glorify that life and have let it go, I find that using one person's time, effort and energy seriously impairs their own ability to build their life. It's disgustingly unfair and I have had it happen to me a few times. Granted, I didn't have the boundaries or wherewithal to stand up to it at the time. Sometimes I have been drained right dry, and people will still ask me for money. Even when they fully know my circumstance. Even when I was a bum, I would refuse pregnant women and people with small kids, people who obviously, obviously were scraping by. Not one person ever took my refusal, no matter how adamant. Even when I was happy to point out that I could be working if I got my head on straight, whereas they were working for their money. Some people were definitely better then me.

 

I don't ascribe to living off of others and do what I can when I can. I am currently taking a government training program. I believe that this is the most responsible choice for everyone involved. It is best for me as an individual. It is best to provide opportunities for my daughter. It is also best for the government to get the taxation back off of me when I am employed, and I also believe that I will be an asset to the research field I wish to enter into. The program does require my full attention, I am granted a small living allowance and daycare. My tuition at this point is covered.

 

I could make the money to enter into the program, but by the time I would be able to, my daughter's childhood would be largely over, and we would be living very low income for no apparent good reason in comparison. I realize that some people may have judgments about my decision to take the training, viewing it as no better than welfare or leeching. I see it as being very different. I am not trying to force anyone to support myself or my daughter. I am taking the quickest path to contributing more to my community. In both tax dollars, time, and progression in my field. I think it was and is responsible.

 

But yes, I will cover my own butt first. Aside from my time on the road, I have always worked. Always. Very hard. Past the point of being labelled "workaholic." My father always accused me of laziness. So I worked triple of what anyone I knew did. At one point I had four jobs and was going to college. I rarely slept. I burned out. That's when I hit the road. Since being back from that, I have worked more than full-time hours right up until the training program. Plus I make money on the side. (It's allowed as long as you aren't "self-employed.")

 

Unfortunately, I think that working myself raw and always having a paycheck float in from one place or another has attracted the wrong kind of folk. Better at screening now anyhow. I can't see myself ever in a position of a "kept woman." So I can't say I've "never lived off of anyone." I collected change at stop signs all around two countries. I doubt I've done any harm to anyone or that anyone gave me anything that they missed. Most people that give don't give all that much. It's not a complaint. It's realistic, it doesn't make sense to give someone you don't know a lot of cash, especially when you are working and they aren't. But I've never mooched off of one person or family or sat around in a relationship entitled to do nothing, just having them support me or not pulling my weight. My $0.02

[Treasa]

Oh hon, I know what you were referring to. I was just piggybacking onto your reference to balls. And then I went off tangentially from there.

[dreamingoftigers]

My mom and I have the same middle name. If I ever have a daughter, she's going to have the same middle name. That's why my maiden name will never become a middle name. Also, it would sound horrible as a middle name.

 

My daughter and I have the same middle name too. I was actually allowed to add a name into my baby sister's name when I was 12. I chose the same name. It's a neat legacy.

[Xinreeki]

I personally don't want to get married. That being said, I know a lot of women who do, or who are married, and their husbands aren't up in arms over this. That's probably how they managed to snag such awesome chicks.

 

Yeah probably!

 

To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever want to get married either. But if my "potential husband" got THIS upset over something as trivial as me wanting to keep my own name, that certainly wouldn't encourage me to say yes..

 

That kind of attitude would be kind of scary to me I think... *Hides* And I'd rather remain unmarried and alone my whole life than put up with ultimatums like that!

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't buy it. This woman has no kids at home and wants to keep the EX's name? Sounds like she isn't over him.

 

I do have options, thanks.

I've seen this go down before, and the woman usually ditches the ex's last name and takes her maiden name. A short convo with the kids to explain how she is taking back her dad's name, just like they have their dad's name, seemed to worked pretty good.

New guy wasn't disrespected with having a wife with her ex's name. Wife returned to her real name, and the kids understood they'd keep their fathers name.

 

win-win-win

 

Except that it isn't win-win for her.

 

My husband grew up in a house where there were three last names. It quite the pain apparently.

 

It sounds more like the OP isn't over the ex. And he's not even this woman's boyfriend. It isn't her ex's last name, it's her child's. You know, that person she gave birth to?

 

I don't think I'd switch names if I remarried. Because even if I had other children, that would leave my daughter as the lone outlier with the different last name.

[Treasa]

I can't think of a single reason for ME to ever get married. I honestly can't think of a single benefit.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess what burns me is the fact that some women want marriage..push for it...and then don't want his name. Why bother getting married? cake eaters.

 

Seems the man's the one looking to propose in this situation.

 

In my case, my husband pushed for the marriage. I don't even think I was ready when it all happened. I loved him anyway. No regrets, except I wish that we waited a little longer and examine and worked on our histories before settling down.

[serial muse]

True, she may not see it that way but I certainly would. I would assume the worst about someone I want to marry because I know that human beings are flawed.

 

...which might actually be a dealbreaker to her. It would be to me. Huge giant ominous waving red flag.

Edited May 22, 2013 by serial muse

[dreamingoftigers]

I can't think of a single reason for ME to ever get married. I honestly can't think of a single benefit.

 

A lot of guys (on here) make it sound like we just retire and make babies and somehow magically all of our struggles disappear. Then we become more embittered, sex denying, selfish toads who run off with the pool boy and take the kids and house while the husband is breaking his back doing everything under the Sun to romance his wife, give her dewdrops and pleasure always, without expectation except maybe, maybe to have sex every now and then.

 

Oh yeah, but she better not get fat. Regardless of what he does.

 

Well to that.

I've always worked more, made more, he's cleaned more overall but recently (in the last two years) I have. He's great Dad. I didn't run off with the pool boy. He's run around quite a bit until he hit rock bottom on that too. And I always want more sex than he does.

 

However, we could start a very lucrative Carbon Capture Program in our house if he keeps eating Taco Bell and farting like he does.

[pcplod]

Well, we could all be given a slave number at birth, have it tattooed on our arses and have a microchip tracker slipped deep into our butt-cheek, so we don't feel it when we are sitting down at our various slave devices. That way, no matter how unhappy we might be at the prospect, there wouldn't need to be ad hoc and pointless arguments any more over that or the price of strawberries.

[pcplod]

I can't think of a single reason for ME to ever get married. I honestly can't think of a single benefit.

Think of the fun you could have inflicting whimsical cruelty on a helpless and trapped animal.

[Treasa]

Think of the fun you could have inflicting whimsical cruelty on a helpless and trapped animal.

 

Hey now, animals are my soft spot. Not to derail, but I spent 15 minutes this morning absolutely sobbing while watching a video of a blind doggie who lived in a trash pile who was then rescued, had part of her vision restored, and was adopted.

 

****. Tearing up again. *sigh*

[dreamingoftigers]

Think of the fun you could have inflicting whimsical cruelty on a helpless and trapped animal.

 

Married men "helpless and trapped animal."

 

Please. There's nothing more powerful that a couple who has each other's back.

 

Well, maybe a sociopath with a rocket launcher...

 

A married sociopathic couple that have each other's back and possess a rocket launcher?

 

Married men often have freedom in big ways, guaranteed sex and tons of stuff done for them until kids come along. Then they pitch in more. I can get feeling "trapped" with kids, but not trapped by marriage unless the situation is toxic.

 

Usually toxic situations happen when one or two controlling people end up in a relationship together. *Hmm, why does this seem so familiar?*

 

*cough* this thread *cough* *cough*

[Xinreeki]

 

I would assume the worst about someone I want to marry because I know that human beings are flawed.

 

 

...which might actually be a dealbreaker to her. It would be to me. Huge giant ominous waving red flag.

 

Yes, for me too. A scary mindset to be sure. *Hides*

[Treasa]

Child support and/or alimony.

 

I don't have kids, and with the amount of money I make, I'd be the one paying the alimony. No thanks.

[Woggle]

We decided not to change names and I don't really care but I must admit I meant a lot to me that she willing to do it. Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way but it did signal to me that she was more committed and willing to make the marriage work. Don't flame because it probably has nothing to do with commitment but her considering did make me feel better even if on a subconscious level.

[Treasa]

We decided not to change names and I don't really care but I must admit I meant a lot to me that she willing to do it. Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way but it did signal to me that she was more committed and willing to make the marriage work. Don't flame because it probably has nothing to do with commitment but her considering did make me feel better even if on a subconscious level.

 

The less pushy and demanding a guy was about it, the more likely I'd be to consider it.

 

If he was amazing in every single way, and this was the only thing he wanted, I would change my name.

[Woggle]

The less pushy and demanding a guy was about it, the more likely I'd be to consider it.

 

If he was amazing in every single way, and this was the only thing he wanted, I would change my name.

 

I didn't demand it or even bring it up at first. She was the one who offered it but in the end we decided it would just be better if we kept our names since we don't want kids. I admit it did sort of mean something to me that she was willing.

[Treasa]

I didn't demand it or even bring it up at first. She was the one who offered it but in the end we decided it would just be better if we kept our names since we don't want kids. I admit it did sort of mean something to me that she was willing.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I agree with you. I'm more likely to do something if someone isn't demanding it of me and if it's not something I feel strongly about.

 

If I know it would make him happy, but he made it clear that it was my choice and he wouldn't give me **** about it, I'd be a ton more likely to change my name to make him happy.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't have kids, and with the amount of money I make, I'd be the one paying the alimony. No thanks.

 

That's typically the position I'm in too.

 

Plus he'd be so wrecked financially because he's still unskilled it would be like chasing the devil for daycare fees. I'd let it go.

 

He couldn't pay anything towards her while we were separated. I knew what was happening with him and his judgment was terrible. Last time, due to addiction.

 

I wouldn't expect much more next time. But that would be due to losing his family etc. I know he'd try, but it would take a bit for him to get on his feet.

 

He's in the government training program too. Even they don't make him pay child support, she's designated under my primary custody. Her care comes out of an extra living-allowance.

 

So many guys out here just neglect their child support, it's sickening. Chronically, I mean, not a month or two of hard times or starting a new job. The government even started a task force to crack down on the guys making money under the table and not paying up. There are advertisements on the radio about "support your kids."

 

I say "guys" because that's the majority out here. Primary custody goes mother-sole in 87% of cases here, by default. Unless the father is willing to stand up for it. The ones that do, do well by custody. But most don't bother. Honestly, that's been my anecdotal evidence as well as statistical.

 

Even my neighbour bitched wild about losing his kids. But he didn't lose them. The mother didn't even want them. He could've taken a bus across town. Packed up their bags and brought them home to live. He wasn't even paying support. Still doesn't. But bitches about her wrecking his life and taking the kids. Jeez. Go file. Spend more than twice a month with them. Get a job, stop selling weed with your loser brother. Come on. It isn't a far from typical story here.

[Treasa]

 

Even my neighbour bitched wild about losing his kids. But he didn't lose them. The mother didn't even want them.

 

This is the part that stands out and breaks my heart.

[Xinreeki]

We decided not to change names and I don't really care but I must admit I meant a lot to me that she willing to do it. Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way but it did signal to me that she was more committed and willing to make the marriage work. Don't flame because it probably has nothing to do with commitment but her considering did make me feel better even if on a subconscious level.

 

But what if a woman felt that her potential husband was more committed to the marriage because he was willing to change his last name to her's?

 

I know its traditional for the wife to adopt the husband's name, and I wouldn't necessarily be against it personally, but in today's modern world that "reassuring feeling" you describe being a consequence of her willingness to adopt your name, could easily be reversed.

 

The less pushy and demanding a guy was about it, the more likely I'd be to consider it.

 

If he was amazing in every single way, and this was the only thing he wanted, I would change my name.

 

 

And yes I agree with Treasa. The more willing a guy was to sit down and calmly have a discussion about it, without demanding anything or setting ultimatums the more likely I'd be to consider it / go along with it.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is the part that stands out and breaks my heart.

 

It's sad. The girl is already totally manipulative. Just like her mother. Very much so. And I they used to just leave the boy strapped in his high chair in front of Treehouse TV. ALL DAY. Regularly.

 

Plus the mother left the husband for his brother, then the brother for one of his friends, then the friend and her lived together for six months and he dumped her and threw her out. She stayed at mine for four months. Got together with the best friend of the friend and the kids started living here too. No TV though so she just didn't watch them. Sat in her room and drank all day playing Guitar Hero, and youtube videos. Yelling at the kids every now and then. Twice they wandered out the front door. They finally moved out. They were here four months. I've been here for three years. They left more filth than I had ever left anywhere in my life. And I am not anal. At all. I tried to move the dining room table to sweep the floor. It was stuck!

 

I honestly don't think there's anything anyone can do for the kids. Her mother has been reviewed by the Social Services system at least a dozen times, so she knows exactly what things to say and buttons to press.