She Wants to Keep Her Last Name...Dealbreaker?

[runningfar]

I am surprised since her child is grown. I totally get it with young children. Unless there's more information you aren't sharing - ie, her professional career is inexorably tied to the name and she will suffer professional and financial repurcussions.

 

Regardless of my surprise, I don't think it's any but the couple's business.

[RachR]

 

We took each other's last name and put the two together, hyphenated.

 

Now that is love & and equal partnership.

 

 

That actually made me go "awww." I've never heard of both people doing that before.

[runningfar]

That actually made me go "awww." I've never heard of both people doing that before.

 

I always wonder how that ends up after a few generations.

 

Finally, we're married! I'm Mrs. Sara Jonston-Newell-Powell-Smith-Grey-MacElroy!

Or do each offend one parent to pick one of their names for the new last name in the new hyphenation?

Plus it's just long and unwieldy.

 

I took my ex husband's name. I would do it again. I kept using my maiden name professionally and probably always will - word of mouth can get confused through all that - but not legally and personally.

I think it's a good tradition.

[Pompeii]

Wait - she wants to keep the name of another dude she married before?

 

That's strange as hell - I can understand being annoyed at that.

 

Are you seriously going to listen to these people dude, who try to bring up logic of all things and dash it all in the face of "ego and insecurity"? Really? It's STILL an ex-husband's last name, no matter which way you want to twist it.

[SuperGeek]

If there was a valid reason to keep the last name (such as it being public and well known -- i.e. a doctor, lawyer, celebrity) then it wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't want to change my name either as it would be very confusing to the business or to the public. Most people aren't in this situation though.

 

What would bother me is if the girl has no VALID reason to keep the ex husband's last name and it seems she's holding on to it for sentimental value. The guy marrying her should probably gauge this by looking at body language, talking about it, and just getting an overall feeling for WHY the ex name must be kept.

[USMCHokie]

As long as it isn't that hyphenated nonsense...what a disservice to the child...

[Star Gazer]

As long as it isn't that hyphenated nonsense...what a disservice to the child...

 

Ours would sound like some sort of demented personality assessment.

[USMCHokie]

Ours would sound like some sort of demented personality assessment.

 

:laugh:

 

::golf clap::

[coltsfan1]

OP- everyone's opinion is just that. Their opinion!!! If she won't change her name and that doesn't work for you, then that is your choice. I don't see it any different that if she wanted to do drugs and you didn't or vice averse. If that is a deal breaker for you DO NOT be scared to state your feeling. Also be strong enough to hear her side as well.

 

THEN make a decision that best fits your morale code and standards. How everyone else feels is just that, how they feel. NO bearing on your life!!

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have been married twice, and neither time was the man even remotely fearful and threatened like you guys are about me keeping the name I came with.

 

I think they're more manly than guys who cry about a name. Or who use terms like "kick her to the curb" in reference to a person who is important enough to him that he wishes to spend his whole life with her.

 

Y'all sound wimpy.

[fortyninethousand322]

I have been married twice, and neither time was the man even remotely fearful and threatened like you guys are about me keeping the name I came with.

 

I think they're more manly than guys who cry about a name. Or who use terms like "kick her to the curb" in reference to a person who is important enough to him that he wishes to spend his whole life with her.

 

Y'all sound wimpy.

 

Well, my attitude is I have a hard enough time getting dates as it is, I'm not going to break up with someone over something like this. Depending on the situation, I might not be happy about it, but I don't have the luxury of indulging in all my personal preferences...

[carhill]

He called me last night, and said he was thinking about proposing, but she had said in passing that she wanted to keep her last name if she ever got married. He's 43, and she's 38, and it's not her fathers last name. It's her ex husband's, and her 1 child is grown and moved out

 

She apparently didn't and doesn't wish to go through the processes of legal name changes after taking a past spouse's surname.

 

Whether a woman does or does not adopt her husband's surname has practically nothing to do with the health of a modern day marriage, IMO.

 

If he decides to not propose because of this issue, OK. That's how life goes sometimes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

and if a woman has no doubts about the relationship she will take the name. If she doesn't take the name then there are issues she isn't bringing up and is settling.

 

That is not true. Voice of experience here.

[Pompeii]

I've never seen more than a single hyphenation. This infinitely long name thing is preposterous. The last name of the kids is up to the parents and any decent parents can work something reasonable out.

 

What about my friends who have been married 25 years? Happiest family I know. Two kids and the parents are as in love as if they just met. Guess what? SHE KEPT HER LAST NAME.

 

Was she married before?

[Pompeii]

Family pride definition: insignificant things which unnecessarily cause big fights and arguments and destroy marriages and families daily.

 

I want to know what dictionary you get your definition out of because it is entirely incorrect.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Isn't it funny any time a man has a personal preference about women his masculinity is challenged?

 

Saying a friend should "kick to the curb" a woman he wants to marry is not expressing a personal preference. The OP wasn't speaking for himself.

 

I think that a person who has such a frail ego that this would be a deal breaker is weak. I'd feel the same way about a woman if she came here proclaiming she'd kick a man to the curb if HE didn't want to change his name to suit HER.

 

I find it ridiculous.

 

As I said in my earlier post, I do understand that feelings and concern over breaking with tradition might result from this (for some people) but after all is said and done - it's HER name. Regardless of where it originated. She should be free to choose; it is wrong for this to be used as an attempt to control. And if real love and potential for a lifetime together are in place, there would be no kicking to any curbs because a woman decides to make her own choice about HER name.

 

Honestly, I think that if somebody gets "kicked to the curb" over this, they ultimately will thank God that they were.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You must not know what family pride is, because if you did, you would know there's more to a last name than it just being a "last name".

 

So … is this "family pride" only available to men?

[Pompeii]

Saying a friend should "kick to the curb" a woman he wants to marry is not expressing a personal preference. The OP wasn't speaking for himself.

 

I think that a person who has such a frail ego that this would be a deal breaker is weak. I'd feel the same way about a woman if she came here proclaiming she'd kick a man to the curb if HE didn't want to change his name to suit HER.

 

I find it ridiculous.

 

As I said in my earlier post, I do understand that feelings and concern over breaking with tradition might result from this (for some people) but after all is said and done - it's HER name. Regardless of where it originated. She should be free to choose; it is wrong for this to be used as an attempt to control. And if real love and potential for a lifetime together are in place, there would be no kicking to any curbs because a woman decides to make her own choice about HER name.

 

Honestly, I think that if somebody gets "kicked to the curb" over this, they ultimately will thank God that they were.

 

Of course we should all be free to choose, but one should realize that there are always consequences for our choices.

[Pompeii]

No she wasn't. Doesn't matter though.

 

Yes it does... as it has been stated quite a bit in this thread. This wouldn't be as big an issue if this was her first marriage.

 

Family pride is usually mentioned by aggressive, controlling guys.

 

In my case, it is mentioned because I know that my family are the only people that will ever have my back.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Pompeii

[Mme. Chaucer]

Of course we should all be free to choose, but one should realize that there are always consequences for our choices.

 

Have you ever had a mutually respectful, deep and mature relationship? Within such a relationship, one does not try to control the other. And the relationship is not used as a weapon in order to get a person to do what you want them to do.

 

Clearly, if a woman who believes she should be able to choose her own name finds herself involved with a man who disputes this and who wants to treat her like garbage over it, they are severely mismatched. She ought to kick him to the curb and find an evolved man.

[Treasa]

Yeah, like a woman agreeing to change her last name ensures a lasting relationship.

 

If anything, that would be my first huge red flag. I mean, if a guy was insistent upon it. Hell, I'd be the one telling him that we wouldn't be getting married, although, as I said previously, a guy like that most likely has other incompatibility issues that I would have identified prior to that point.

[William]

As numerous posters apparently responded to a now banned member, some content was lost. I cleaned up the last couple pages, about 80 posts or so. Carry on.

[serial muse]

My response wasn't "rude", it was adequate to your readymade, predictable, take-it-off-the-shelf response. Just because you know of the dark side of human nature doesn't make you "uncommitted". I have a friend that I've known for 14 years. I know he could easily betray me at a moment's notice. Does being aware of that fact make a bad person? I don't think so.

 

I really just find this sad. Do you honestly think you have more experience of the dark side of human nature than others on this board? You aren't talking from experience, but fear. That's the fact, Jack.

 

And if the issue with name-changing is about doubting whether she's all in, but you're saying that you're perfectly a-OK with not being all in yourself - because that IS what assuming the worst of another really is all about - then you're being hypocritical about this entire issue, and your responses basically make no sense.

 

Dude, think about your choices, is all I'm saying. You think my response is ready-made, predictable, blah blah blah rudecakes? Trust me, you're not offering up anything revolutionary or even all that interesting...just the same sad-sack stuff people post every day when they're basically unhappy and lonely. How is that helping you? You've got work to do, whether you want to believe it or not.

[Nicomis]

Isn't it funny any time a man has a personal preference about women his masculinity is challenged?

 

Next she'll be glove slapping us and demanding satisfaction.

 

That's pretty much the standard "go to" answer. It's a serious inferiority complex. She was the first one making personal attacks after the original post. For a man to be "evolved" he must first abandon everything that makes him a man.

[Almond_Joy]

The way I see it, the last name is supposed to represent the continuation of a family line. If you're uniting two families why wouldn't both families be represented in the new last name?

 

To me it would feel like a representation of my family being erased from my name, and my children's names correspondingly. I wouldn't want to reject my husband's name, but I wouldn't want to forsake mine either. Solution: hyphenated name.

 

I don't even get how a woman wanting to keep her last name is seen as a rejection. The woman should have the option of keeping her last name too, as her family is a part of the union's as much as the man's.

 

Nowadays though, the welfare of a person isn't so dependent on their lineage, so people can take it or leave it. All the same, I'd be really hurt if someone proposed to me and vehemently fought me keeping my name. That's my choice to make.

 

I would definitely see it as a control thing and a red flag. I could see if I was saying I wouldn't take his name at all.....but if I'm just asking for equal representation and getting shot down....it's indicative of a bad dynamic. It would really make me second guess the marriage proposal.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Almond_Joy