Being the OW 101. Rules to live by as the OW

[MissBee]

I hope this isn't considered a t/j but I do want to comment on the whole going to the MM house thing... I am not judging anyone else but only stating how I felt during my A.

 

As hard as it is for me to admit this, I only lasted so long in the A because for so long on I tried not to think about his wife and minimized their relationship because when I did it humanized her and it also was apparent that he could very easily end up treating me the way he did her which was hard for my head/heart to reconcile of a man I loved.

 

I couldn't imagine him inviting me into their home and seeing the life they had spent almost 20 years building. Seeing their wedding pictures, their pets, the books they read, their coffee pot, the bed that at least at some point they shared and very likely still did (despite what he told me).

 

Once we met and as usual he hugged me tight. During that embrace, I saw a hair of hers on his dark shirt (she has/had long blonde hair and I am brunette) and that completely threw me. I never said anything to him as this was towards the end of our A but it felt like a stab in the heart with a simultaneous kick in the gut. I can't even imagine how I could've functioned in her (and their) home with her (and their) things if I had ever gone there.

 

Ultimately, being in their home would have reminded me of several things:

1. He was not truly "mine" but hers (despite what he told me). (and please know I don't mean this in a possessive kind of way, like a pair of shoes but in an emotional/committed way)

2. He constantly made choices to have a open, publicly-accepted relationship with her, while keeping me hidden... me: someone he professed to love.

3. And she was a person, with feelings and I was doing something that I would never want done to me.

 

I could have written this post myself...every word of it.

[stevie_23]

My rule is there ARE no rules cause every situation is different, and even if you DO attempt to put rules in place, you will most likely break every single one of them at some point. Love is hard to contain.

[Got it]

Luckily I didn't know about "The Rules" so in all seriously I wanted it and expected it to be like with anyone else and while I conceded a few points - going to his house and the fact that he was in fact married - I conceded very little.

 

The limitations were his issue not mine and I was not going to accept less just because he was married, he was apparently just going to have jump through some additional hoops. His issue, not mine.

 

So we bought gifts, we went on trips, we talked whenever, we say each other whenever, we had overnights, we met family, we met friends, I expected him to divorce, I expected a lot of things, yada yada yada.

 

If he wanted to be with me then he would do what was necessary, any struggles with it was his baby to rock. Why would I expect less just because his situation was "complicated"?

[ComingInHot]

lilgirl, thanks!*

reasons, given to me for not divorcing yet, and trust me i've never asked him to; but he brings it up from time to time and not to leave her for me, but for his own sanity and the kids sake so they dont have to see their bickering and loveless marraige as an example of what true love is... ok here goes,

 

(a) financial - He would need a place to rent and on top of that heavy child support, right now he has a roomate (wife) to split costs with and

 

(b) seeing his children - her family has a history of "tainting" children to hold ill-will towards their fathers, as well he would only see them every other weekend, he, not her was the one who wanted children when they started having them.

 

© Ailing mother on her death bed who he doesnt want to stress out with news of a pending divorce.

 

These are his reasons, I respect them and will continue to support him through his journeys. At the core we really have become best friends not just lovers

 

Okay, now remember, this is as devils advocate not what sweetie would call "another comment by a bitter ole' BW"*

What if the roles were reversed?

The reasons that MM gives you for staying. Are they reasons You would stay in a M then justify an A? Do You feel that, regardless of your children's ages and knowing that if they find out their parent deceived and betrayed them And their dad, that it is better to stay and take that risk of causing So much pain and damage because of money and angst?

If "yes", then why? If "no" then why do you enable something You, yourself would not do?

I ask because your comments read that you could be (in real life) a strong, confident, better woman who may feel, Deep down, that this whole A doesn't feel... right.

How do the/your rules apply to something you would be hesitant to do should the roles be reversed?

Thank you in advance for your insight and answers*

[William]

A tip from moderation:

 

When I review threads like this, I read the starting post, then go to the last page of comments (40 comments per page). I read the comments and compare to the starting post. Are the posts topical? Are they civil and respectful? In the case of this thread, I just deleted 14 of 34 posts which either didn't address the topic or were disresepectful to other members. The worst of them are infracted. Then I post a statement like this, advising members to remain topical and post in a civil and respectful manner.

 

What happens next is up to you. Carry on.

[LilGirlandOW]

If the roles were reversed;

 

You are abolsutly right, I would never be married and have an affair, no I couldnt

 

Although, thats just me, I couldnt have two men touch me, and share my intimate love, why can he do it and not I that I dont know... I seperate his love and devotion for his children and his lack of "being in love" (yes he loves her) and his lack of devotion to his wife because its two totally different things in my opinion. Its a hard rock for me to roll regarding why he cant just up and leave and run away with me, I'm not asking him to do that and maybe someday we will be together full time, maybe we wont. All I know is that we all like to be in love, its human nature and have somebody by their side who truely cares about you.... it makes us feel better, do better and live better and love the others we love in life better. I know when i was unhappily married I held alot of aingst in my heart and my actions and love for my family and extended family paid a toll a small toll mind you but a they paid a price because my heart had a void, so as i know hes always been an amazing father to his children, maybe just maybe me filling a void in his heart and giving him the love and support he's missing unselfishly benefits them too in a way that hes a happier person all round. I know for a fact at work he's a happier person, I still am in close contact with alot of my ex co-workers where we both worked and they cant explain his new found happiness, but I think I can,,, I think in that I play a role. As does he in mine, my parents, siblings and friends see a difference in me too.

 

Then again..... maybe I'm wrong because I dont know everything I only can explain how I feel and the difference I and other see in him and myself recently since we've been in a relationship.

 

Cheers CIH, I hope this explains your question, I'm really not a bad person, and would never seek to destroy a happy relationship, thats why I value, respect and try to enrich his relationships with his children and family, the wife is a big girl and as she may be nourishing most of her garden (her house, kids, car, job, etc) she left out a very special part... him.

[TheOW]

I didnt go into the A with "rules" as such, the A happened rapidly and was never thought out in such a way.

 

However as time progressed I came to realise I did actually have some rules which were:

 

He pays for hotels or we dont go, end off, full stop.

He doesnt lie to me, I didnt care if he lied to his wife I am not her, he doesnt lie to me (he's a crap liar anyway and I could always see through his little fibs so he stopped them altogether even if it the truth did hurt my feelings)

[NPP10]

The one rule I told him, which I stood by, was that when he was home after work, he was not going to hear from me. If he wants to text/call me--that is fine. After work, it is his time with his kids. I stood by that during the entire A.

[LilGirlandOW]

A tip from moderation:

 

When I review threads like this, I read the starting post, then go to the last page of comments (40 comments per page). I read the comments and compare to the starting post. Are the posts topical? Are they civil and respectful? In the case of this thread, I just deleted 14 of 34 posts which either didn't address the topic or were disresepectful to other members. The worst of them are infracted. Then I post a statement like this, advising members to remain topical and post in a civil and respectful manner.

 

What happens next is up to you. Carry on.

 

Total CRAP! discussion lead in many directions and there are people here who truely need love strength and support, ok so delete the posts that are considered bullying, but not brutual honesty cause sometimes thats what people need to open their eyes! And as I've followed this thread its gone in many directions and back home to main subject, we are human not computer programmed robots! I have moderated very active forums in the past and to delete a post because its slightly off topic or heated discussion is CRAP!

 

I'm not looking for fellow posters to stroke my ego, as i could get that anywhere I came here for honest discussion!