Being the OW 101. Rules to live by as the OW

[Nattie]

That is beyond nasty, Nattie. Her behavior towards him (which is none of your business) is no excuse for you to cause her additional trauma.

 

I don't need an excuse to do anything. We both have our boundaries, and having me in his house is fine with him. End of story. I'm assuming you're a BS..??

[SweetiePie12]

Just a casual message at first but enough to send up red flags. Then I dug deeper. She to did the like, post and poke early on, but stopped once deep into the affair.

 

Fascinating.

 

Because that would bring the true nature of your "friendship" to light. Please continue to be careful about all those things.

 

For sure. Thank you.

 

Very true....but things still can be found out. My case is a perfect example.

 

Yes, ma'am!

[Nattie]

another story to add to this,

 

When my MM and I would have rendezvous in his SUV a cop once caught us, not doing anything but talking, he is MUCH older than I, the cop thought I was a prositute wow. Now we see each other during the days we go out for walks and doing errands and at night he comes to my place, I'm single so no worries there, we kinda treat my place as ours which can become common in a more developed MM/OW situation.

 

We had a very close call once... and we were not just talking. He had been trying to get me to come over for quite a while and I never wanted to, but after that, I got over it.

[LilGirlandOW]

Don't make him a priority. Date other guys.

 

For some of us OW we are faithful and monogamous weather he is or not,,,, i couldnt see myself being affectionate to more than just one man. But for others maybe thats a good idea. Who am I to judge I believe in polyamory and know loving multiple partners can be beneficial to some, for that reason sharing his love is ok, as long as I get some too I want the best for him.

 

side note: I wasnt seeking a MM and fell in love with him not his realationship status.

[underwater2010]

Beg your pardon, but it's HIS home, too.

 

That being said, my friend & I had this discussion. He agrees that it's somehow worse in his own house. I counter that it doesn't matter whose bed or a hotel bed -- it's all the same.

 

I maintain that to bring someone to a house you share with others is begging to get caught. So much risk to leave evidence. Even spending time in my house, then going to his carries risk of evidence.

I am sorry but no....it is not all the same.

 

The martial bed is just that. It is where they conceived their kids, where the kids slept with them when they where sick, where their love and anger sleeps and most of all that one place you can lay your head in peace at night.

 

It is the ultimate disrespect to the spouse by both the WS and their AP. It is a big F you. If that had ever happened the bed would be on the front lawn in flames.

 

But yes....screwing is the married household is just begging to be caught. Just remember how noisy neighbors can be.

[Nattie]

Does me being a BS make my opinion less valid?

 

Most AP's see this as an unacceptable boundary, and it causes tremendous trauma in addition to what you're already causing.

 

I just find that the BS's are much more defensive and quick to try and make us OW's feel like trash.

 

For ME, it is an unacceptable boundary. I won't even let him park in my driveway, but he wants to meet in his house, and I'm ok with that.

[LilGirlandOW]

with that being said we joke around all the time saying her and i are sister wives lol,

[SweetiePie12]

we kinda treat my place as ours which can become common in a more developed MM/OW situation.

 

I agree. He has a key, and I like to keep the things he likes in the house. And he's adding all of his music to my computer! He's got a HUGE collection

 

Another rule: Cater to him. Create an oasis where he can rest his weary head, yet make sure to keep healthy doses of reality alive so as not to exist in a vaccuum.

[underwater2010]

with that being said we joke around all the time saying her and i are sister wives lol,

Not funny...sorry. But if you were anywhere near being a sister wife, she would have to accept you into the marriage. That would mean you are in an open relationship not an OW.

[HonestNeurotic]

You have to act "normal". People get caught because they are not acting like their normal selves. My MM texts all the time because of the nature of his work. But *I* do not. So for me to start texting all the time would not be "normal". So we email. He deletes them all. I've kept them. Though we're both very savvy when it comes to IT stuff. We don't connect on ANY social network. It's whatever is NORMAL.

 

You can't start working late if you've never done that before. You can't start wanting more sex or less sex. NORMAL. You still have to fulfill all of your obligations with your family.

 

NEVER go to his house or he mine. That's HER home. I just couldn't go there. He uses his company credit card to reserve a room and then pays cash. Pays cash for everything. Never keep any receipts.

 

Never go to places where others will recognize you. He's not in my circle of friends nor I his. This is very easy in a large city. NO PDA's, though that's hard at times.

 

I am not a prude but just think it's not a good idea to have nekkid pics flying around. I do send him pics of things I see when I take walks. The baby birds in my side yard. Stuff like that.

[SweetiePie12]

Her behavior towards him (which is none of your business) is no excuse for you to cause her additional trauma.

 

I beg your pardon, but she is not responsible for the feelings of an angry wench. Not a judgement of the wench, but treatment she's observed with her very eyes, so, yes, it is her business because she cares about the guy.

[LilGirlandOW]

hey not funny to you, but we laugh alot together, and live life to the fullest together, he and i both appreciate that and the fact i'm not a jealous or naggy witch means alot to him and thats just who i am... always been happy go lucky kinda girl

 

one love:cool:

[SweetiePie12]

I don't need an excuse to do anything. We both have our boundaries, and having me in his house is fine with him. End of story. I'm assuming you're a BS..??

 

Bingo............

[SweetiePie12]

Sure it's his home, too, but that doesn't negate the absolute disrespect of bringing one's affair partner into a space that someone else shares.

 

It's his house, not yours, so your judgement is inappropriate and irrelevant. He's fine with it. As she said: end of story.

[SweetiePie12]

We had a very close call once... and we were not just talking. He had been trying to get me to come over for quite a while and I never wanted to, but after that, I got over it.

 

Good idea! LOL! Whew!

[SweetiePie12]

i couldnt see myself being affectionate to more than just one man.

 

Me, either! This dispels the myth that OWs are promiscuous.

 

side note: I wasnt seeking a MM and fell in love with him not his realationship status.

 

Very good point.

[SweetiePie12]

Just remember how noisy neighbors can be.

 

Yep. Very nosy. My neighbors have seen him come and go. One time, I walked out to meet him in one outfit, and walked him out in another, LOL! I didn't notice the obviousness of that until days later, haha.

 

Most people, especially guys, mind their own business and don't want to get involved or gossip.

[SweetiePie12]

I won't even let him park in my driveway, but he wants to meet in his house, and I'm ok with that.

 

Exactly. Everyone has boundaries. My friend refuses to park on the street at my place, only in my parking space behind the structure.

[Praying4Peace]

Look, if you want to have an affair, go at it. I find it horrendous, but whatever.

 

Doing it in her home is just...well, there's no excuse.

 

Even dogs don't Sh$t where they sleep.

 

Bringontherain- see that's just it. He didn't think of it as '****'. I know its foggy thinking and future faking...I get it...but its REAL when you feel it. To him, everything his was mine. He spent money and all his time on me. He never refused me anything that I needed. To him, his house was like my house bc he wanted me there. It was TOTALLY disrespectful to his BW. I GET that. But I was thinking of him...if he wants me there that's fine. I welcomed him into my home with open arms too. Cooked for him, hung out with him, loved him.

 

Unless you just are in the affair for the sex of it (did I just make up a phrase?) you don't see these boundaries bc they don't register in your head. Think of it this way- the BIGGEST boundary is having sex outside the marriage, spending all waking and free time with your AP, telling your AP you love her...in comparison the home is just an addition.

 

The REASON BS's find it SO repulsive compared to the other things listed above is that its harder to explain away. It takes thought and premeditation. You can excuse sex (I couldn't help it, she threw herself on me and I'm a guy), you can excuse ILY (I just said it in the moment and I didn't mean it really), you can excuse talking/hanging out (She called ME and I liked the ego stroke)...but the home? You planned it, you could have gone elsewhere- you knew you knew YOU KNEW that its a slap in the face.

 

Trust me, im not saying this in a 'contest' way. Both BW and OW lose in that sphere and the MM is the selfish prick. Im just saying.

 

One rule for me to add: Break up with your MM before he breaks up with you.

[SweetiePie12]

with that being said we joke around all the time saying her and i are sister wives lol,

 

Interesting!

 

It's not my business, but BSs might do well to be more open minded about such matters, lest they risk living in a straw house. One sneeze, and your whole reality can be blown apart!

[Nattie]

 

 

One rule for me to add: Break up with your MM before he breaks up with you.

 

I have told myself this a million times. It's SO much easier said than done... unfortunately.

[Nattie]

I get the foggy thinking mentality, I do.

 

But here's the thing: BW already has zero input in this so to have it brought into her home? Ugh.

 

My husband had OW in our car...it had to be sold because every single time I got in it, it was a huge trigger and I would just sob.

 

I can't imagine not being able to be in MY space, MY safe place, MY comfort zone without having mind movies of some chick in my home. I'm already fragile enough because of the affair, so that might just have done me in.

 

 

Bringontherain, I get this, I honestly do. I would probably feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed. I know it's wrong, and about as low as one can get, but something keeps me going back. I guess being with him is worth it in my mind.

[Praying4Peace]

I have told myself this a million times. It's SO much easier said than done... unfortunately.

 

Nattie I don't want to t/j but what does he want? Just to continue the affair and not get caught? Or is he future faking? Just curious.

[Goodbye]

Look, if you want to have an affair, go at it. I find it horrendous, but whatever.

 

Doing it in her home is just...well, there's no excuse.

 

Even dogs don't Sh$t where they sleep.

 

 

My exMM really wanted me to come to his home while his wife was out of town. I was the one who firmly said NO WAY to that. He really wasn't creeped out by it and wasn't all that concerned about how HIS wife would feel. I suspect that many married men are that way. So really, be pissed at the men who are inviting their OW's into their marital home.

[Praying4Peace]

I'm a FOW and I find this repulsive. I sure as hell wouldn't want to screw a mm in his bed. It's beyond disgusting and really shows a lack of self respect. Why would I want to have sex in a bed that he likely just hours before screwed his wife in. Nasty and just plain yuck. of course, that's just me, I'm sure (as has been proven here) others could care less where they do it, as long as they do it.

 

I know. I totally agree. He wasn't doing anything with his W during that phase of our relationship. I know that for a fact. But obviously they must have done it there at some point. Its just being completely oblivious to anyone but ourselves. We usually didn't go in the MBR.