MissBee Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 DO know what you're in for and be honest with yourself foremost about it. Make sure you know what you want and where the MM stands and where the A is or isn't going. DON'T get caught up in wishes of how it could be, if what it is isn't that at all and there is little evidence it will change. Take it for what it's worth. DON'T allow yourself to be his on the side therapist/marriage counselor. The A is bad enough as is, why should you put yourself through listening to him complain about his spouse? You shouldn't. DON'T give him all the privileges a single boyfriend/your own spouse would have. If you aren't exclusive, then you're a free agent, and if the MM has a problem with that, tell him to get a divorce and date you in the open and exclusively if he wants your utmost faithfulness and other perks of an exclusive relationship. DO use protection/practice safe sex. Please. Please. Please do. You should be applying this rule with anyone you're not in an exclusive/monogamous relationship with and have gotten tested with. I frankly don't care if a MM says he is only sleeping with me. He is married. He is having an affair. You don't necessarily need to assume he has OOW or is sleeping with everyone, but you have some clues that perhaps you shouldn't be ready to just trust this isn't the case. Better safe than sorry, re STDs and the dramatics and drama of a pregnancy within an A. DO avoid coworkers if you must have an A. Why potentially mess with your money and reputation? If I think of others, I'll post 'em. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I sure as hell wouldn't want to screw a mm in his bed. I don't want to because that lady he lives with grosses me out. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 DON'T allow yourself to be his on the side therapist/marriage counselor. The A is bad enough as is, why should you put yourself through listening to him complain about his spouse? You shouldn't. Good one! At first, I didn't mind, but now, as my feelings have grown, I do not want to hear about her. He said something about "she". So I said "who?" Hahahaha, passive aggressive, I know. But it's best to be honest about my feelings rather than seethe with silent resent & disdain. Link to post Share on other sites
latergater Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I thought I'd like to share somethings I've learned as my R with my MM has progressed, some do's and dont's (1) Dont shower your MM with gifts, love sure, expensive gifts are a no-no (2) Dont say I love you first, even if you feel it long before he says it to you (3) Dont expect your MM to leave his wife thoughts? I have one .. DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH A MM/MW. Trust me. The aftermath is a nightmare. It's just not WORTH IT. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Nattie I don't want to t/j but what does he want? Just to continue the affair and not get caught? Or is he future faking? Just curious. no future faking, whatsoever... but sometimes I honestly think he doesn't care if he gets caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Good one! At first, I didn't mind, but now, as my feelings have grown, I do not want to hear about her. He said something about "she". So I said "who?" Hahahaha, passive aggressive, I know. But it's best to be honest about my feelings rather than seethe with silent resent & disdain. Refer to rules number one and two on my list . In addition to those: DO adjust your expectations and your own willingness to compromise as your emotions change. Simply because your feelings have changed doesn't mean his have too or that the actual situation itself will naturally change along with it. So do make sure reality and your feelings are lining up with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 Good one! At first, I didn't mind, but now, as my feelings have grown, I do not want to hear about her. He said something about "she". So I said "who?" Hahahaha, passive aggressive, I know. But it's best to be honest about my feelings rather than seethe with silent resent & disdain. LOL my MM call his wife "her and she", and i've done that before, lol to funny:laugh: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I see these 'rules' rather similar to the rungs of my cooperation's ladder. Each 'rule' you follow puts you down one rung from the top. My wife shares the top rung with access to my financial, personal, and spiritual future. I share everything with my wife. Next rung would be my personal assistant. I share passwords and she has access to my accounts and such. Next is my secretary. She has a few more rules of access. The last down is the guy that sweep the parking lot. Each one accepts a little less recognition, access and financial gain from the corporation. By not having access of ease the OW accepts the lowest of rungs in the MM's life. Some even say they like it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 LOL my MM call his wife "her and she", and i've done that before, lol to funny:laugh: LOL! There is no omniscient, almighty "she" in my house. Oh, nooooo... "She who?" Hahahaha! Only had to do that once Link to post Share on other sites
PutARingOnIt Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 For some of us OW we are faithful and monogamous weather he is or not,,,, i couldnt see myself being affectionate to more than just one man. But for others maybe thats a good idea. Who am I to judge I believe in polyamory and know loving multiple partners can be beneficial to some, for that reason sharing his love is ok, as long as I get some too I want the best for him. side note: I wasnt seeking a MM and fell in love with him not his realationship status. I can't do it. While he is with his wife on holidays, holding her at night, going on vacations you are at home all alone? What about Valentine's day? He's doing it up with his wife while you sit at home alone? There is no way in hell.... If you like it.... Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Let's see, how many of these rules have I broken: I broke them all Perfectly happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 DO adjust your expectations and your own willingness to compromise as your emotions change. Simply because your feelings have changed doesn't mean his have too or that the actual situation itself will naturally change along with it. So do make sure reality and your feelings are lining up with one another. I can tell you're coming from a sincere place with that. Thanks! That being said, he said to me today he's sorry he hasn't been in touch lately, but it hasn't really been that long, bless his heart. So we're on a very good wavelength in terms of how we relate to one another Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 I can't do it. While he is with his wife on holidays, holding her at night, going on vacations you are at home all alone? What about Valentine's day? He's doing it up with his wife while you sit at home alone? There is no way in hell.... If you like it.... I have since we started our relationship spent every holiday with him at some point, including his birthday and work promotion, She's so un into him he questions her sexuality, lol, sure sure maybe he's just saying that lol, who knows, not gonna kill myself questioning him though, but enjoy our time together 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 lilgirl wrote, " I have since we started our relationship spent every holiday with him at some point, including his birthday and work promotion, She's so un into him he questions her sexuality, lol, sure sure maybe he's just saying that lol, who knows, not gonna kill myself questioning him though, but enjoy our time together" Maybe you gave your thoughts on this prior but I don't remember, Why doesn't he D for you again? Or separate? Or leave? Something? I don't get it. Could a rule for being OW be insane patience & intolerance? ** 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Sweetlesspie, a world w/out a conscience is no world at all. Your remarks, if you mean them truly, prove beyond a doubt that your lack of compassion & empathy for other women in REAL Life, debilitating , heart-wrenching pain, that there is an integral piece of soul broken w/in you. The RULES of being a successful OW?!?! There are None other than Do into others affected by your part/role as you'd want done to you. I write this in tears when I think of how cruel the two (WS & OW/OM) are to the victims of the A. I Know A's are Cruel to Everyone most times and the carnage it leaves in it's wake that often times ends up being the exOW. What would the rule be for OW's to follow when they too are heartbroken, betrayed & angry.? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Why doesn't he D for you again? Or separate? Or leave? Something? They've been together for, like, 7 months and besides that, that's not the only way to demonstrate love. Could a rule for being OW be insane patience & intolerance? ** I don't think so, but I can tell you it's not about being a nag or pressuring anyone into anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Comments below in bold:- 1) Dont shower your MM with gifts, love sure, expensive gifts are a no-no Of course not, why should I ? The guy should pay, even the woman here could be richer than the guy, just pls let the guy (MM) pay and honestly the guy (MM) will feel good about it - this is the truth. Where is the question even coming from? (2) Dont say I love you first, even if you feel it long before he says it to you No comment. (3) Dont expect your MM to leave his wife Expectation from OW can be flexible, but if the MM insists to leave his wife, I don't care, and I am not stopping the MM to leave wife for me. I thought I'd like to share somethings I've learned as my R with my MM has progressed, some do's and dont's (1) Dont shower your MM with gifts, love sure, expensive gifts are a no-no (2) Dont say I love you first, even if you feel it long before he says it to you (3) Dont expect your MM to leave his wife thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 his reasons, given to me for not divorcing yet, and trust me i've never asked him to; but he brings it up from time to time and not to leave her for me, but for his own sanity and the kids sake so they dont have to see their bickering and loveless marraige as an example of what true love is... ok here goes, (a) financial - He would need a place to rent and on top of that heavy child support, right now he has a roomate (wife) to split costs with and (b) seeing his children - her family has a history of "tainting" children to hold ill-will towards their fathers, as well he would only see them every other weekend, he, not her was the one who wanted children when they started having them. © Ailing mother on her death bed who he doesnt want to stress out with news of a pending divorce. These are his reasons, I respect them and will continue to support him through his journeys. At the core we really have become best friends not just lovers Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 regarding holidays, yes, i have seen him on all holidays, birthdays and such... I'm not saying the whole day but he always makes time for me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 lilgirl, Thanks. I appreciate your honest answers. It's refreshing I was wondering if I could play "devil's advocate" w/you for a moment? I am going to wait for a yes/no answer before I actually do out of respect and gratefulness from the way in which you kindly answered my question* CIH* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) I thought I'd like to share somethings I've learned as my R with my MM has progressed, some do's and dont's (1) Dont shower your MM with gifts, love sure, expensive gifts are a no-no (2) Dont say I love you first, even if you feel it long before he says it to you (3) Dont expect your MM to leave his wife thoughts? Tough way to live; that's why I got out. Not that I ran around showering him with expensive gifts...that would have been silly. I'm not a fool and won't try to buy someone's love. I save the expensive gifts for a person who is fully present and loves me and wants to be in my life. And who enjoys showering me with the same in return. I don't want to live by a rule book that prevents me from truly being with someone I love. I don't like to share the person I love in that way...ha! In my love life, I will be plan A and not plan B from here on out. Edited May 23, 2013 by spice4life 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I hope this isn't considered a t/j but I do want to comment on the whole going to the MM house thing... I am not judging anyone else but only stating how I felt during my A. As hard as it is for me to admit this, I only lasted so long in the A because for so long on I tried not to think about his wife and minimized their relationship because when I did it humanized her and it also was apparent that he could very easily end up treating me the way he did her which was hard for my head/heart to reconcile of a man I loved. I couldn't imagine him inviting me into their home and seeing the life they had spent almost 20 years building. Seeing their wedding pictures, their pets, the books they read, their coffee pot, the bed that at least at some point they shared and very likely still did (despite what he told me). Once we met and as usual he hugged me tight. During that embrace, I saw a hair of hers on his dark shirt (she has/had long blonde hair and I am brunette) and that completely threw me. I never said anything to him as this was towards the end of our A but it felt like a stab in the heart with a simultaneous kick in the gut. I can't even imagine how I could've functioned in her (and their) home with her (and their) things if I had ever gone there. Ultimately, being in their home would have reminded me of several things: 1. He was not truly "mine" but hers (despite what he told me). (and please know I don't mean this in a possessive kind of way, like a pair of shoes but in an emotional/committed way) 2. He constantly made choices to have a open, publicly-accepted relationship with her, while keeping me hidden... me: someone he professed to love. 3. And she was a person, with feelings and I was doing something that I would never want done to me. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
loredo21 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 i was never in exMM house/...just couldn't go there. as he woud never be welcome in my home. It seems so hypocritcal to say that the reason is that her "her" space and mine is "H's" space. i felt very little guilt during the A, but I imagine had I gone to his home and ended up in his bed and after the romp cuddled with him, I would surely look around and feel sick knowing what I had done. I didn't want to see their life. In the A fog to me she wasn't even a real person. I now understand that she was a real woman, with an idea of her life that was completely untrue. Unfortunately the car situations didn't mean that much to me at the time. And I ashamed to say we did do it in her car and I actually drove her car to the store for him to grab condoms. We had a horrible quicky in the back of her SUV. I wonder if she knew or ever sensed it? I hope she took it to a remote area and burnt the hell out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 i've skimmed over this thread and find some of the attitudes disturbing. sleeping with someone's husband is bad enough. yet i understand that if it's on neutral ground you can push the thought of BS out of your head... it would take a callous, cold-hearted person to be there, in BS's home, bed, and not feel guilt over it. surely SOME boundaries can still exist in the A 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 lilgirl, Thanks. I appreciate your honest answers. It's refreshing I was wondering if I could play "devil's advocate" w/you for a moment? I am going to wait for a yes/no answer before I actually do out of respect and gratefulness from the way in which you kindly answered my question* CIH* absolutly! shoot 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts