jdubbish Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I have finally asked my wife for a divorce from our marriage that has lasted just under 3 years. We started having complications when she had an emotional affair with a coworker after the first year of marriage. I subsequently cheated as a reaction to her affair, and then we reconciled for almost a full year, bought a house, and then she started her affair again (about 3 months ago). All of our finances are in both of our names, and I have offered to take care of our debts (house payment, $35K in personal loans, $5k credit cards, and two cars) on my own except for her car (one of the two previously mentioned). That means I would get the house that we bought last August which currently has less than $5K in equity. She is refusing to leave our house (I can understand this part, and am willing to work with her through the divorce process), and also unwilling to accept my offer. She is determined to find an attorney and fight me on it. What I'm not clear on is what can she fight me for? The best case she would get through a complicated set of hearings is half of our debts and a large attorney bill. Am I correct in thinking she has no rights to the house since she can't afford it (she recently quit her good-paying job to work as a nanny for her sister's kids, under the table nonetheless). I know most people will say to seek legal advice from an attorney, but I am trying to avoid accruing more debt than necessary during the divorce process. I can file all the legal paperwork myself, but if she's stuck on fighting me what advice can you offer me? Thanks for your opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I can file all the legal paperwork myself, but if she's stuck on fighting me what advice can you offer me? Thanks for your opinions. You could have her whacked !!! Seriously, if you couldn't work with her during marriage, I don't like your chances of influencing her actions during divorce. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. At least a free consultation with an attorney seems like a smart first step... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 If you are in a 'community property' state, and with no children: I would assume because of the short term of your marriage she would have to reimburse you for your interest in the house, and take over the payments - in order to continue living there. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Many would say it's in your best interest to get an attorney if she refuses to settle and fights you. But I think (in a community property state), things are pretty much set - and the judge would make the decision accordingly. Dividing assets/debts and with no spousal support. Should she get an attorney, once you receive their paperwork - then financially it would be best to get a consultation w an attorney. Many give initial consultations w no charge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubbish Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 Once other fact to note: I have been responsible for managing our finances throughout our relationship, and that is part of why I am offering to take on all of the debt. She has also worked a full time job throughout our relationship (she just quit her job to become a nanny in April). I've always made more than her and have always managed our money, but it's not like I supported both of us 100% (she usually bought groceries with her money, did the laundry, etc.) Based on my position as the "head of household" (so to speak), she still won't have any rights to alimony/spousal support, right? Link to post Share on other sites
PoopHappens Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I doubt it's about the money. It's about making you pay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jdubbish Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 It's definitely about "making me pay" and not about money. I get that. This sort of crazy attitude of hers is one of the reasons I have considered divorce as a real option. It's just so sad to see things go down like this (from her end). I just can't wait to be done with it so I can start a new routine in my home life. Patience is key. Thanks for all the input. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I doubt it's about the money. It's about making you pay. I wouldn't be so sure. When someone says "it's not the money, it's the principle", that usually means it's about the money. This may simply be a negotiating tactic on her part to extract a better deal... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Spend tonight gathering all documents relevant to the divorce process and copying them and putting the copies in a safe place. If she's an authorized signer on any of your separate credit cards, kill that first thing in the morning. Then empty joint bank accounts. File tomorrow; have her served at work by the sheriff. Get the relevant motions in front of the court and put her on the defensive by forcing her to file a response in the alloted time (30 days here in Cali). Cease discussing anything unless in front of a mediator. That's the brief version. My lawyer worked out a far more complex strategy which fortunately my exW never forced me to use. We both agreed, mediated, and settled out. Doesn't sound like that's the case for you. Scorched earth. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 (edited) Once other fact to note: I have been responsible for managing our finances throughout our relationship, and that is part of why I am offering to take on all of the debt. She has also worked a full time job throughout our relationship (she just quit her job to become a nanny in April). I've always made more than her and have always managed our money, but it's not like I supported both of us 100% (she usually bought groceries with her money, did the laundry, etc.) Based on my position as the "head of household" (so to speak), she still won't have any rights to alimony/spousal support, right? In the state I live in, 3 years marriage doesn't constitute alimony/spousal support. I would think if you're willing to share half of residuals/home equity made during the M, that would be fair. I agree with Carhill regarding canceling the credit cards and closing joint bank accounts (with documentation of ending balances). Edited May 23, 2013 by UpwardForward 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Then empty joint bank accounts. Are you sure about this? Surely it can't be legal? A joint bank account means it's her money too. Even with separate bank accounts, being married, any of that money would belong to both of them, right? I don't think you can go about hiding money and restricting her access to it. Stuff like this is why you need a lawyer, OP. I'm trying to see this from your wife's perspective, and I think I can see where she's coming from. She's probably thinking, "He gets to keep the house and everything else. And I'll get to...keep my own car and nothing else? Hm. No, I think I'll get a lawyer so I don't get screwed somehow." Seems reasonable for her to protect herself. Because, really, OP, what about the deal you offered is all that appealing? Why would anyone take that offer? The only upside for your wife would be that you'll take over all the debts. And that's great, but having debt and a place to live is much preferable to being debt free but also possibly destitute. Can she afford to live on her own right now? Have you asked her what it would take for her to amicably resolve this? Does she even want a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Get a consult from a lawyer it can't hurt and start communicating with her through register mail if talking is not productive. You only have 3yrs invested in this you have nothing really to lose based off what you have posted about your M. You can always replace possessions car, house etc... money comes and goes. But piece of mind is everything right now your both focusing on these things instead of the most important one. Your life without the drama of living with someone that has priorities other the eachother. Do what will bring you piece of mind because in the end thats all that will truly matter. Link to post Share on other sites
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