xOM Won't Cease Contact

[ThatJustHappened]

We haven't done MC since H "seeks no man's counsel."

 

Last night I fessed up to H. Needless to say he was PO'd that a)did not file the RO b)haven't told him xOM has been contacting me for the past 2 years.

 

After talking we concluded that it is best to let him continue contacting me and just delete the messages and not forward anything to the W. He mentioned that I did somewhat warn her before sending the cease and desist letter but she chose to marry him anyway. And that emailing her would cause marital problems for him/them and further involve this "low-life" in our own R. He was angry that we're now associated with this type of person and blamed it on me for bringing him into our life, someone H otherwise would never know.

 

The part that hurt the most was that H was convinced I was still having an A for the past 2 years. When I text H today he wasn't his usual playful self. I should've kept it shut and just continued ignoring OM.

 

Why should he be playful with you after he just found out you've been lying to him and disrespecting him for 2 years? He deserved to know, and he likely would have found out anyway. It's better that you came clean instead of letting him find out on his own.

[whichwayisup]

The part that hurt the most was that H was convinced I was still having an A for the past 2 years. When I text H today he wasn't his usual playful self. I should've kept it shut and just continued ignoring OM.

 

Do you blame him? I mean, you've lied/omitted some truth from him and yes, it's made him feel doubtful of you, rightfully so. He cannot take you at your word. He thought you filed the RO, you didn't. You were in contact with exMM and did not tell him, so of course he is going to question your motives and wonder if there's actually more going on. This has set him back when it comes to him trusting you. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and I'm sure you'll understand why he isn't flirty and playful with you at the moment.

 

IGNORE the exMM from now. If you don't, your marriage IS at risk because your H will continually wonder if you are cheating (EA) on him again.

[weedsandposies]

No, I blame myself. Wish I never said anything. H said OM is protecting his wife and playing with me.

[2sunny]

What did he say when you met with him?

 

Be specific! What was SO urgent?

 

Please answer. You met with him - what was SO important that you were willing to risk your marriage to meet with this douche?

[2sunny]

No, I blame myself. Wish I never said anything. H said OM is protecting his wife and playing with me.

 

I'm sure he is - because YOU are ALLOWING him to do that to you!

 

You're only his fool by signing up for it.

 

File the RO! What are you waiting for?

[weedsandposies]

sunny, i didn't meet with him. and i didn't email his wife although i'd really like to... H said to just forget about them. If OM contacts me again i'll probably go see him. maybe he wants closure.

[2sunny]

sunny, i didn't meet with him. and i didn't email his wife although i'd really like to... H said to just forget about them. If OM contacts me again i'll probably go see him. maybe he wants closure.

 

So it would be useful for your H to know this.

 

"If/when my OM contacts again - I'm going to go meet with him".

 

WHY would you hurt your H that way?

 

That's sickening!

[weedsandposies]

i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. and we would be talking no hanky panky.

[whichwayisup]

sunny, i didn't meet with him. and i didn't email his wife although i'd really like to... H said to just forget about them. If OM contacts me again i'll probably go see him. maybe he wants closure.

 

Really? Your exMM threatens, stalks, and harasses you, follows you etc, you were going to file an RO against him, but didn't and possibly you want to meet up with him to help him get closure?

You are putting your marriage at risk again. Your H wants you to just to let it go and move on. Why can't you?

 

I am going to ask. Are you still in love with your (ex)MM? I don't understand why you are still in contact with him. And you do know by allowing him to contact you, it feeds his fire.

[weedsandposies]

he contacts me through my business. i changed all my personal info hoping he'd stop. with the exception of this last time, i have not engaged him or responded over the past 2 years. yes, he has been harrassing me almost to the point where i feared for my and H safety but i have to take partial responsibilty because of the way i treated him. like i told H last night, i really don't know what he wants. he drops his bate and i don't bite.

 

i love xOM. that will never change. he's a part of who i am. it's too bad we were never able to be friends. we were never friends. only lovers... for years.

 

i want to get to a point where i can sit across from him and know that afterwards i'd be able to walk away without falling apart. i'm not there yet.

 

if he wants to talk i can listen. i owe the man that i know loved me like his life depended on it that much atleast.

 

and my marriage isn't so weak as to be compromised. H and I are solid... not fantasy.

[whichwayisup]

he contacts me through my business. i changed all my personal info hoping he'd stop. with the exception of this last time, i have not engaged him or responded over the past 2 years. yes, he has been harrassing me almost to the point where i feared for my and H safety but i have to take partial responsibilty because of the way i treated him. like i told H last night, i really don't know what he wants. he drops his bate and i don't bite.

But you did bite a bit if you're considering seeing him and giving him closure. 2 years of NC and the guy is still bugging you. WTF.

 

i love xOM. that will never change. he's a part of who i am. it's too bad we were never able to be friends. we were never friends. only lovers... for years.

 

Is this the reason why you did not follow through on the RO?

 

i want to get to a point where i can sit across from him and know that afterwards i'd be able to walk away without falling apart. i'm not there yet.

 

No you're not. 2 years and you're still loving him way too much. How often do you think of him?

if he wants to talk i can listen. i owe the man that i know loved me like his life depended on it that much atleast.

 

No, you don't. the A is over and it's time for you both to just let go and forget one another, go full on NC forever. I'm sure your H does not want you to speak to him, let alone sit across the table from him. NC is the only way to set yourselves free forever.

 

and my marriage isn't so weak as to be compromised. H and I are solid... not fantasy.

 

I understand that, but you are going to hurt your husband if you don't let this go and get the exMM out of your mind and heart.

[Praying4Peace]

he contacts me through my business. i changed all my personal info hoping he'd stop. with the exception of this last time, i have not engaged him or responded over the past 2 years. yes, he has been harrassing me almost to the point where i feared for my and H safety but i have to take partial responsibilty because of the way i treated him. like i told H last night, i really don't know what he wants. he drops his bate and i don't bite.

 

i love xOM. that will never change. he's a part of who i am. it's too bad we were never able to be friends. we were never friends. only lovers... for years.

 

i want to get to a point where i can sit across from him and know that afterwards i'd be able to walk away without falling apart. i'm not there yet.

 

if he wants to talk i can listen. i owe the man that i know loved me like his life depended on it that much atleast.

 

and my marriage isn't so weak as to be compromised. H and I are solid... not fantasy.

 

Hey WeedsandPosies,

 

I don't want you to ask you more than you care to disclose, but how did it end? Everyone here is really helpful, even the ones who say things you do NOT want to hear are oftentimes the ones you agree with if you really think about it. But its hard if you don't know the history. You said you were never friends, just lovers- do you mean that in a 'just sex' way or that it was always an emotional/physical thing and he expects that you two can just be friends?

 

I don't think I could ever file a RO against someone I cared about. I would go NC but that's it. If you shared a little more history it would be helpful. How did it end, that you feel so guilty?

 

Hope you aren't too stressed out at home, I know it took a lot to tell your H this stuff but he'll get over it and it shows your heart is in the right place that you told.

[Praying4Peace]

I'm sorry, but didn't she say she has been keeping this a secret for an additional two years? Two years her H thought they were working things out and that there was honesty in their relationship now?

 

He'll get over it? Way to trivialize his feelings.

 

When she arrived here she didn't even realize this was an issue. A day later she told him. And I'm not trivializing- he got over her having sex with him- deciding on the best time for a RO is nothing in comparison, no? Or am I missing something here?

[2sunny]

he contacts me through my business. i changed all my personal info hoping he'd stop. with the exception of this last time, i have not engaged him or responded over the past 2 years. yes, he has been harrassing me almost to the point where i feared for my and H safety but i have to take partial responsibilty because of the way i treated him. like i told H last night, i really don't know what he wants. he drops his bate and i don't bite.

 

i love xOM. that will never change. he's a part of who i am. it's too bad we were never able to be friends. we were never friends. only lovers... for years.

 

i want to get to a point where i can sit across from him and know that afterwards i'd be able to walk away without falling apart. i'm not there yet.

 

if he wants to talk i can listen. i owe the man that i know loved me like his life depended on it that much atleast.

 

and my marriage isn't so weak as to be compromised. H and I are solid... not fantasy.

 

Solid or not - you're disrespecting your H by even entertaining the thought/fantasy of meeting the OM. You know you'd want to have sex with him = you still love him!

 

Why is that even remotely fair to your H? It's totally disregarding him!

 

You've lead your H to believe you're all into the M - but you're not because you wouldn't consider this if you respected and honored your marriage.

 

Your H needs to grow some balls and find a healthy boundary.

[weedsandposies]

But you did bite a bit if you're considering seeing him and giving him closure. 2 years of NC and the guy is still bugging you. WTF.

 

Actually you're right. WTF am I thinking lol... this won't happen I'm done.

 

Is this the reason why you did not follow through on the RO?

 

Yes. I didn't want to hurt him or his job. I just wanted the A to end. In retrospect this was a big mistake.

 

No you're not. 2 years and you're still loving him way too much. How often do you think of him?

 

 

No, you don't. the A is over and it's time for you both to just let go and forget one another, go full on NC forever. I'm sure your H does not want you to speak to him, let alone sit across the table from him. NC is the only way to set yourselves free forever.

 

 

 

I understand that, but you are going to hurt your husband if you don't let this go and get the exMM out of your mind and heart.

 

I don't think of him. I'll have triggers but the thoughts just go through my mind. When he contacts me, it's a big setback. The reason I want NC from him.

 

Answers in bold

[weedsandposies]

Hey WeedsandPosies,

 

I don't want you to ask you more than you care to disclose, but how did it end? Everyone here is really helpful, even the ones who say things you do NOT want to hear are oftentimes the ones you agree with if you really think about it. But its hard if you don't know the history. You said you were never friends, just lovers- do you mean that in a 'just sex' way or that it was always an emotional/physical thing and he expects that you two can just be friends?

 

I don't think I could ever file a RO against someone I cared about. I would go NC but that's it. If you shared a little more history it would be helpful. How did it end, that you feel so guilty?

 

Hope you aren't too stressed out at home, I know it took a lot to tell your H this stuff but he'll get over it and it shows your heart is in the right place that you told.

 

He asked me to leave my husband. Then it was over.

 

Thank you. Most of the stress is from OM breaking NC. I want it to stop.

[2sunny]

Answers in bold

 

If you feel this way - then why were you willing to meet him? That is risking your M for him.

 

Your words don't match your intended actions.

 

Which is it? Are you really connected intensely to your H or just pretending to be?

[Tinie]

He asked me to leave my husband. Then it was over.

 

Thank you. Most of the stress is from OM breaking NC. I want it to stop.

 

If you are indeed in love with your xOM, why didn't you leave your husband? Sorry I don't mean it as a rude question.