Friend , sex addict hubby

[SadGuest]

I've had a friend for about 20 years. We're both in our mid-20s and have known each other since we were in grade school. We've been best friends forever, though we now live in different states. We email back and forth every single day, so it feels as if we still "see" each other every day.

 

A few weeks ago she went through some major trauma. She found out that her husband has been stealing money from their joint account to pay for pornography, and that he is a sexual addict. Throughout the years, he has done various things like this that she overlooked (phone sex, previous internet porn watching, cheating)...but this time he owned up to an addiction. She found out he's had this problem for over 10 years and has masturbated and viewed pornography daily, all while hiding it from her. They have a slew of other issues, such as his jealousy and controlling her, limiting her friends, keeping finances hidden, his severe immaturity, her supporting him, his daily marijuana usage, lack of communication, etc. She moved out. Since she moved out, he's also visited a strip club and kept that hidden from her. But he recently came clean about that as well and swears he's on the road to redemption and that this time he's totally sober and serious and God is on his side.

 

I'm not sure how to be her friend right now, b/c I do strongly feel this guy has been bad from the get go..and now THIS too. At first she enjoyed us bashing him together and she was super strong and happy to have time to "focus on her". But now she's turned to sadness and is "trying to work it out with him" (despite his constant lies, etc). And it seems her focus is almost entirely on him and she's lost that zest for herself (which was so great to see). It's hard for me to be supportive. She asks for my advice, but then gets upset when I give it. Now she gets mad if I say negative things about him, but then when I say I'll stop giving advice...she reassures me that she wants it. In some ways, I feel that she's allowing ME to feel her anger against him so she doesnt have to feel it. This seems to be a pattern for us over the past few years, when she tells me really negative things about him but then allows me to be the one pissed off while she forgets about it.

 

But I guess another problem is that I'm almost 100% sure that now she's lying too, but to me. We've always had a good, honest relationship, but I'm pretty sure that now she's lying to me and telling me that she's only talking to him on the phone...when in reality she's seeing him in person. I just have a very strong hunch, and my intuition is rarely wrong. And something feels "off" between us and between the way that she presents things to me and then the actions that she takes with him. She's admitted lying to me about some things, but I think there's more.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Trust is a key thing for me. I want honesty and nothing less. I feel really sad that she's dealing with it, that I don't know how to respond to it, and that he's created a liar out of her too.

 

What do I do? How do you be supportive of the partner of a sex addict? I know it's harder to deal with something when you're IN it, then when you're out of it. It's hard for me because I know that she's setting herself up to be hurt again by him...that his 6 year track record with her has been atrocious and something that I dont think 99% of people would put up with. As a feminist, I just feel like screaming that he's an oppressor and that she should get out. But I also know that it's her choice and that she needs support and love more than anything. And I'm really the only friend she's got.

 

What do I do? How do I be supportive? The past couple of days I've just talked about it less and pretended that it doesnt exist. We just talk about the stuff we talked about before this happen. She has a therapist and a couple's therapist and is trying to go to support groups, so I guess I feel good that she has support. But I dont want it to ruin or dominate our friendship. And I really fear it is.

[Merin]

Well your friend isn't really seeking your advice... unless it's what she wants to hear.

 

There isn't any way you can support the relationship, because clearly it isn't healthy... but you can support her person.

 

I know how hard this is... my sister has been with the same guy since they were 16 years old, and believe it or not they got divorced only for her to remarry him again no one in our family or her circle of friends could believe it.

 

Just like your friends hubby, my sisters is also an addict... but he is a drug addict. He has stole from her, cheated on her, taken her things to pawn shops for money, lied to her... the whole deal. Of course when he was doing these things she would come to us for support... we would sit and tell her what a jackass he was, how she needed to get rid of him ect. she would agree, say this was the last time she wasn't going to take him back ever... even going so far as to have my dad or a friend go and change the locks on her house... only to take him back again.

 

Once they were together again, she would tell us all how he was sorry, he had found God blah blah... and she couldn't understand why we all couldn't just get over what he had done.

 

It is because you love and care for that person... that it eats you up to see them being mistreated and it's out of your control to stop it from happening. You wouldn't really be a friend if you saw them ready to fall off a cliff and didn't tell them to stop...

 

My sister is an amazing person. She is very giving, beatiful and clever... but who she chooses to "Love" isn't within my control. So when she and her hubby are having another crisis and she calls me, I refuse to comiserate with her on that level of what a jackass he is. I just listen (because really thats what they want, for someone to listen) I tell her I understand how much this must hurt her, and then I tell her I love her a lot, I'm here for her always... she's an amazing person and the only person she can change is herself.

 

Good Luck to You both.

[oldandie1950]

SadGuest,

Welcome here, I would reinforce what Merin2 said. Be this persons ear and safe place to vent. Most of us never realise the value of being, just there, for a friend until we are in that situation ourselves and someone does it for us.

Every relationship has it's own culture and we on the outside will never really understand it's dynamics.

So! be that patient friend until this Hurricane is no more in your friend's life.

[whichwayisup]

Just be supportive and let her vent. Sometime us women only want to talk it out, it makes us feel better. We don't always want a solution everytime, or someone to 'fix' it for us.

 

Your heart is in the right place. Tell her you care so much about her and if you were there, you'd be giving her a huge hug and a shoulder to cry on.

 

Hold in those nasty thoughts of her hubby. He is not well and needs therapy to help him with these issues. The fact that he is stealing $$ is BAAAAD...She knows that already so you telling her won't help.

 

A little suggestion is do some research on addictive personalities, and if you find some good info, just email it to her, no pressure, but say, here are some things for you to read.

 

Hope this helps abit.