Ninja'sHusband Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Just wanted to hear from guys who thought their WW really did an about face and did the work to make the marriage work and are reconciled or reconciling. Link to post Share on other sites
96nole Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Just wanted to hear from guys who thought their WW really did an about face and did the work to make the marriage work and are reconciled or reconciling. Well in that case, I won't reply. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted May 22, 2013 Author Share Posted May 22, 2013 I compare the responses of this thread to FrozenSpout's thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/395312-some-good-thoughts hard not to draw conclusions. I can think of 2 members on this site who might respond here. Only one of them is active at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
leonine Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 I believe that my husband would say that I have, but he doesn't post here. So, whatever that's worth...(not much?) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Ninja, I'm a fWW who has reconciled. Do you have a specific question maybe I could help you with? I did a lot of work on me and our marriage after d-day, and still do...I have no desire to be complacent or take anything for granted. And a happy thing that has happened for us recently is our infant son. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 That's at least something to hear from fWWs who have reconciled. I know you do exist. I was very impressed with some fWWs who frequent another site actually. It would mean more to hear from the BHs though. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Just wanted to hear from guys who thought their WW really did an about face and did the work to make the marriage work and are reconciled or reconciling. My WW did the following on her own while I was still in the dark: 1 - Ended affair 2 - Soon after A the OM left job, and they never contacted each other again 3 - 8 years later after rug-sweeping the A, she started IC 4 - Soon after starting IC she confessed her A to me From D-day on she was willing to face this head-on We spent 3 years going to IC and MC (off again/on again) It took time, but she (we) got to a place where we identified the original issues that caused her to have an affair She was willing to answer my questions She was able to endure my extreme emotional rollercoaster She has been very good about boundaries (prior to D-day and post) She is much better at self-awareness and articulating her thoughts and feelings to me She showed me genuine remorse, shame, and self-loathing. There were things that she could've handled better, but overall she has done everything that I could hope for given our situation. D-day was 5 years ago. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NewSouth Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 (edited) Lord, I wish I could help here, but I can't. My WW stonewalled, no remorse, no details, and I let her do it. However, I will pose a question that would affect who responds and how he/she may respond to this thread. What does reconciliation mean? And what must be included? I know a lot of marriages, including mine, that appear reconciled to the outside world, but fall short when examined, and perhaps might not even fit a realistic concept of what is a genuine marriage? Sorry, just my bad habit of answering a question with a question. Edited May 24, 2013 by NewSouth poor grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 (edited) My WW did the following on her own while I was still in the dark: 1 - Ended affair 2 - Soon after A the OM left job, and they never contacted each other again 3 - 8 years later after rug-sweeping the A, she started IC 4 - Soon after starting IC she confessed her A to me From D-day on she was willing to face this head-on We spent 3 years going to IC and MC (off again/on again) It took time, but she (we) got to a place where we identified the original issues that caused her to have an affair She was willing to answer my questions She was able to endure my extreme emotional rollercoaster She has been very good about boundaries (prior to D-day and post) She is much better at self-awareness and articulating her thoughts and feelings to me She showed me genuine remorse, shame, and self-loathing. There were things that she could've handled better, but overall she has done everything that I could hope for given our situation. D-day was 5 years ago. Good story, thanks for that. @NewSouth I think that's why I didn't just say, "reconciled or reconciling", I wanted BH's who felt their WW did the work. In your case it seems you don't think she fits that bill even though you've "reconciled". @PaperAngel. I'm not drawing conclusions. If I were it would be bad... I said that it's hard not to, that doesn't mean that I am. This thread is a plea for people to tear down the destructive thoughts in my head. Betrayed and Stayed's post is the best thing so far Edited May 24, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband Link to post Share on other sites
leonine Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 NH, I'm sorry that your wife let you down so badly. Not just once by having an affair, but twice by making such a half-assed attempt at reconciliation. You certainly deserved better. I think part of the reason why there's a difference between this post and the other one you sited is a gender difference. Not so much that women can't "do" reconciliation, but more that women discuss their relationships more than men. Unless there's a problem, I don't think men talk aboit the state of their marriages much. Right after dday, my BH discussed our situation with a number of people. Obviously, the fact that I had an affair is still a problem for him, but the way I've dealt with it, he really doesn't have any complaints, so he doesn't talk about it much with people other than me (and even that is becoming more infrequent). I think BHs who come on here and get what they want or need from their fWW tend not to stick around as much as BWs who are perhaps more inclined to just talk about how things are going even absent a crisis. Just my thoughts anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 There have been things she did, but most of what has occurred so far is at my instance or leading her to therapy (we are on second therapist now). Leading a horse to water can be a challenge, making it drink is a whole other level. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 What does reconciliation mean? And what must be included? I know a lot of marriages, including mine, that appear reconciled to the outside world, but fall short when examined, and perhaps might not even fit a realistic concept of what is a genuine marriage? Thats a good point. Is any marriage ever better after EA/PA or is it something different. Also how many marriage even with no affairs, are "genuine", intimate, sexually satisfying, or honest and passionate? How about just simply practically functional on a day to day basis? Ya - I get you here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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