MissMisery Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Hi everyone, I usually don't post about concerns like this on the internet, but I'm confused here. I'm not very experienced in the dating scene and all that so I thought I'd search for some advice. Here's the background of my situation: a little over 4 years ago I began taking music lessons at a local music store. 2 years in my teacher moved away and I got a new teacher. Right from the beginning I had a crush on this teacher, but it was just a simple crush. I get crushes on lots of ppl and never act on them. Besides at one of his gigs I went to back then I saw him with a girlfriend. It didn't even bother me or make me jealous, so I knew that it was just a simple crush and maybe it wasn't even a crush at all (?). But anyway, maybe it's because we're the same age (26) and have a lot in common. About a year ago we starting chatting online. We exchanged email and messenger names. It was good because we got to talk about music or if I had a quick question about a lesson I didn't have to wait a week until I saw him again. And we basically chatted about that stuff. A couple months ago we went to a movie together - more like I met up with him and he drove me home because I needed a ride home. Nothing happened. It was just him being generous. So this year the crush has come back and I realize yes indeed it is a crush...but I've been backing off because one 1) he may or may not have a gf (I know he talked to me once about an "ex" but I don't know if it's the girl I saw that time), 2) he is my teacher and who knows, there could be a policy no dating between teachers and students lol, and 3) he has never given me any signals that he may have a crush back... ...until recently: He has been rather chatty online with me, talking about more than what we used to. He admitted to me that he's protective of me in regards to the bands I join (doesn't want me wasting time with a bad band). And last week something in a conversation confused me. When I said something about it nice getting out of the house (when I go to band practice) he went on off topic and said something like "I could give you some rides but i have to watch the teacher/student relationship :p" (note the ). I don't know what he meant by that, he only gave me a ride once and I never asked him to take me anywhere. And at lessons he's been giving me these looks (happy looks? lol) and when talking, it's like he starts to say something and there's an awkward pause. It's like he wants to tell me something. So lately HE's the one that's been giving ME signals. But I'm confused, maybe they're not signals at all. But in any case it's just increasing my crush on him and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I feel I should just get up the guts and tell him that I have a little crush and see how he feels about me...but I'm afraid of being hurt (I've just been hurt too many times by having crushes on ppl and them not liking me back, I've learned just to back away from crushes). And there's also the case of the lessons, like what if he DOESN't have a crush on me and lessons become awkward? What if it's not allowed? What if we do end up dating and break up? What happends to the lessons? These lessons are important to me. I've been at that place since before him, it's like a second home to me. I don't want that ruined, but this is all driving me nuts lol. I think I"m going to experiment and stop backing away, smile more at him, be chatty back with him and stuff. See what happens. Sorry for the rambling. What do you all think I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
fiatflux Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 think I"m going to experiment and stop backing away, smile more at him, be chatty back with him and stuff. See what happens. that's exactly what I was going to advise! encourage him! give him friendly touches! go 4 it! Your fear of the student/teacher thing being against the rules seems absolutely ludicrous to me ... I mean, it's laughable. How could a MUSIC STORE have rules against that?!?!? LoL! I think he was just being facetious. fer shur! Good luck, girl ... Link to post Share on other sites
re3rocks Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 dude ask him out. guys luv it when u girls do. lets us know **** fo shure. we hate mysterys just be like "whats up and talk for a while then link the conv. to a movie. and be like "wana see shaun of the dead together?" Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Originally posted by fiatflux Your fear of the student/teacher thing being against the rules seems absolutely ludicrous to me ... I mean, it's laughable. How could a MUSIC STORE have rules against that?!?!? LoL! I think he was just being facetious. fer shur! I do believe he was probably joking around with that statement I quoted, although I still am oblivious to what he meant by it lol. About the student/teacher thing: I think it's more that I fear maybe it's his own personal policy (and not the store, yeah that is silly to think that). Again, this could be all in my mind however... Thank you both for the replies. i don't want to be too forward with bringing all this up to him, but I also don't want to wait too long and miss my chance. I like to give ppl space and not be forceful with friendships or any other kind of relationship, but the wonderment (of what he is thinking, what he is feeling...if anything...) is eating at me. Link to post Share on other sites
ashbee94 Posted October 2, 2004 Share Posted October 2, 2004 Yeah, honestly, the whole teacher/student thing is nothing to be taken seriously. If anything does happen, you could switch to a different teacher within the shop or just have him teach you outside of the music shop. I don't know, but it shouldn't be a major worry. The comment he made about not wanting to encroach upon that relationship was a gauge to see how you'd react. It sounds like he does like you, but is a little uneasy about how to proceed. Ask him out to lunch or dinner or coffee sometime. You really have free reigns here since you've known each other for so long. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 Originally posted by ashbee94 Yeah, honestly, the whole teacher/student thing is nothing to be taken seriously. If anything does happen, you could switch to a different teacher within the shop or just have him teach you outside of the music shop. I don't know, but it shouldn't be a major worry. The comment he made about not wanting to encroach upon that relationship was a gauge to see how you'd react. Thank you for the reply. The reaction to the comment he made was just a "LOL". Long story, but b/c of an online friend of mine I equivalate the word "ride" with something sexual in nature. So my dirty mind thought that for a slight second and I just laughed back, and later on I was like to myself: "uhhhh...er...oops" heh. I should have asked what he meant by that, but oh well. Anyway, I went to see his new band play last night. When there set was done and he got off stage I was the first person he walked up to to say hi. That made me happy. And I could tell I made him happy by going to the gig. And we watched a bit of the next band together. And when I had to leave (since it was noisy in there of course), to get his attention I lightly touched his hand and said bye. Now normally I guy who wouldn't like me in that way would get all defensive and make a deal about a light touch (unfortunately - ? - I am a touchy feely person, I can't help it lol, but later on we were chatting online and he mentioned nothing (I was waiting for him to say something like "oh that touch was uncalled for" or "it made me feel uneasy". So I guess it wasn't a big deal.) Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Well, I haven't brought up this situation to him yet. Part of me is nervous. Part of me is scared. Part of me doesn't know the right time to do so. I don't want to talk about it at lessons. I was thinking waiting some night when he comes online and messages me. *shrugs* And I've come to realize that the teacher/student thing isn't my (biggest) fear, it's whether he has a gf or not. But oh well, I guess it happens. You can't know if you don't find out right? It would just make an awkward situation if he did. One of these nights I will get up the nerve to talk to him about this because I know what I would like to say. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 From what you wrote, I would say he´s interested I´d give it a try! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Play him like a violin, and you'll make sweet music together. omg that was corny. Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 Hehe Papillon, that was actually cute, not corny. I think I'm at a place now wondering "is it going to happen, isn't it going to happen?". I haven't gotten up the nerve yet to ask him yet, but I have to ask him soon before I drive myself crazy. It's like I'm waiting for assurance that I'm getting my signals right. I went to see his band play again tonight. We chatted for awhile (just normal chit chat, it's hard to talk over loud music). Later on when another band was on I was standing in the crowd and saw him coming over towards me. I let out a litle wave and he kind of held my hand for a second (wah??). That was weird. 'Course he had a beer in his hand all night (he wasn't drunk though). But yeah, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it was a weird - albeit happy - moment. I wish we could have talked more afterwards but he had to get gear packed away. I've come to realize - and this is getting a little philosophical - there is no "right moment" to ask someone out. It's like the zen saying: why all this searching when there is nothing to be found? Guess I'll have to flow with my feelings and my heart will push me when to speak up. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpkin Posted October 12, 2004 Share Posted October 12, 2004 I think you are doing the right thing...with big risks comes big rewards! I agree to not say anything at lessons but do say something online or in person. Good luck and tell us how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 16, 2004 Share Posted October 16, 2004 Well I told him how I was feeling, although not in the manner I wanted to. He had been avoiding me for a week online and I don't know why. I had a lesson the other day and things were perfectly fine. We were laughing and smiling and he picked out this duet for us to learn together. And yet when I get online...nothing. I figure he's busy so I don't bother him. But my mind was racing and I just had to tell him because I couldn't spend another restless night like this (I feel things have already changed. I can't go back to how I was. That sort of thing), yet he wasn't on last night. I had to email him about a band rehearsal so I decided to send a nice e-card (no, not a mushy one or anything) and in it I explained what I've been thinking about and I thought maybe we could do something sometime outside of lessons and for him to let me know what he's thinking, etc. I got one of those notifications today saying the e-card has been read, but I didn't get a reply from him. I'm feeling a little upset, although I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I kinda feel from this that he's not interested, maybe that I've even made him uneasy about the whole situation (and I hope not angry!). Maybe I've made things even more awkward now. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted October 16, 2004 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2004 You may have given him some thinking to do. Don't give up hope until he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't feel that way for you. I very much doubt that you've made things awkward for him. If he likes you as much as it seems he does, then at the least he's likely quite flattered by the attention. Don't make a big deal of it when you see him again. Just follow his lead. You've made a great step in giving him the opening. Sometimes approaches are really difficult in a situation like you are in, especially if he had feelings for you. You've lowered the barrier that might have stood in the way of you both getting together. Now, if he meets you in the middle of it all, you might have started something great. If not, at least you'll not regret having let him know how you feel. Afterall, that would be a real brain bender. Imagine going all through your life never knowing if this guy (who is obviously special to you) had feelings like your own. It's not like you're in highschool and he's your band teacher or something. I assume you're both adults. Good luck... and don't worry. Be confident knowing you did what your heart told you do. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Thanks Curt. And I was right - I was jumping to conclusions. I had a brief conversation with him earlier this evening (how unfortunate it was only for like a minute). No anger or awkwardness here. And that's the happy part, that's the relieved part. However, I think he misinterpreted what I said in the ecard lol. And I guess I really should have straight out said we should go out - as in go out on a date. But he said that we can hang out outside of lessons. I have a feeling deep down that he knew what I meant by going out (he seemed a little hesitant from when he said hello to saying we can hang out, I think he was waiting for me to speak first), but if he brings the subject up I'm probably going to say "I kinda meant out on a date". All in all, it seems like I'm "in", so to speak. So we'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpkin Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 I think it's sounds like you are heading in the right direction. My opinion is that if he wasn't interested he wouldn't of brought it up. He probably would of tried to avoid you and the whole topic when you were around. So it seems to me that he is looking at the whole picture. Now I'm just curious as to how it is going to play out. Good luck to you!! And let us know okay! Link to post Share on other sites
MissMisery Posted October 21, 2004 Share Posted October 21, 2004 I want to thank everyone for all their replies in this thread. After a million butterflies in my stomach and resltess nights, some of which included crying in the lonely hours of the night I went ahead and told him exactly what I meant. Unfortunately with that he told me he was "involved". Although he said it's not serious, it wouldn't be right of us to go out. Well, at that moment, I literally had to be sick (I mean I was having a panic attack before talking to him , maybe that was a sign that I shouldn't have told him I dunno). We had a pretty long convo about relationships. He's not looking to become "attached" at the moment. I mean, I can't fight that. And I had to make sure this didn't create any awkwardness between us. He said no and I hope I can believe him. After the long convo we had I didn't feel exactly awkward either. Of course I'll see at my next lesson. I can't lie and say I'm ok. It's a big blow. But it's something I had to do. It's going to be hard to move on. It's not like I'm going to quit lessons now or anything or stop going to see his band, but I have to find a way to get away from these feelings. I was just so happy before talking to him. I thought I was finally going to get in a relationship (yes, I'm 26 years old and have never been in a relationship...I guess I'm a little slow...). I need to be strong and not have the hurt show. He doesn't need that because he's a good person. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts