Wouldn't you rather take the pain?

[Praying4Peace]

I know it sounds absurd...but this pain I'm going through...I oftentimes compare it to what the BW is going through.

 

For me:

Alone (my H and I got divorced)

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken

In NC, so no 'talking it out'

 

 

For her:

She has him back

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken.

Can talk about it everyday and get the answers she needs and wants to hear (MM is very clear about saying what she needs to hear)

 

Her history with him is much deeper- so that's more hurtful- but she has contact with him to work it out and at least listen to what he says (whether she chooses to believe is another story)

 

I have a shorter history with him- but the NC and abruptness is so hurtful that I can't get answers or ever know the answers to questions, which will haunt me forever.

 

That said- lately I've had a 'who cares about nasty cake eating MM' type of attitude and if one of us were going to be in pain (me or BW) I feel like I deserve it more. I really, really dislike the BW and know her personally but I still don't want her to hurt. Anyways, I don't know the point of this thread but her hurt has a forseeable end...just time and believing in him. I can't believe in anyone or anything anymore- I feel like I don't believe in love anymore.

[findingnemo]

You're hurting. Yes, it hurts real bad. But I know that it is not better for the BW. The pain resulting from betrayal doesn't just fade away. When a BW decides to stay, whether for love or for the kids or lifestyle, the pain remains. Even when she leaves, the pain of betrayal makes her at best cautious and at worst bitter. For many, their lives are forever changed.

 

For a OW, she will hurt yes. But she has the chance to move on to a real love that's hers. It is untainted from the A she had before. So when you compare the xOW's and BW's chances of recovery, it is pretty clear the odds are in favour of the xOW. There are some rare cases where the A was really true love and the pain resulting from the end will likely persist for a very long time for those involved.

 

You shouldn't give up on love. Lord knows how complicated and painful it can be for any body. But it also promises a world of happiness when it's real and reciprocated.

[Praying4Peace]

You're hurting. Yes, it hurts real bad. But I know that it is not better for the BW. The pain resulting from betrayal doesn't just fade away. When a BW decides to stay, whether for love or for the kids or lifestyle, the pain remains. Even when she leaves, the pain of betrayal makes her at best cautious and at worst bitter. For many, their lives are forever changed.

 

For a OW, she will hurt yes. But she has the chance to move on to a real love that's hers. It is untainted from the A she had before. So when you compare the xOW's and BW's chances of recovery, it is pretty clear the odds are in favour of the xOW. There are some rare cases where the A was really true love and the pain resulting from the end will likely persist for a very long time for those involved.

 

You shouldn't give up on love. Lord knows how complicated and painful it can be for any body. But it also promises a world of happiness when it's real and reciprocated.

 

Thanks for your reply. It means a lot. I was a MOW, by the way. I'm D now so there's the shock of that. I have several young children so I need to focus on them.

[MissBee]

I know it sounds absurd...but this pain I'm going through...I oftentimes compare it to what the BW is going through.

 

For me:

Alone (my H and I got divorced)

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken

In NC, so no 'talking it out'

 

 

For her:

She has him back

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken.

Can talk about it everyday and get the answers she needs and wants to hear (MM is very clear about saying what she needs to hear)

 

Her history with him is much deeper- so that's more hurtful- but she has contact with him to work it out and at least listen to what he says (whether she chooses to believe is another story)

 

I have a shorter history with him- but the NC and abruptness is so hurtful that I can't get answers or ever know the answers to questions, which will haunt me forever.

 

That said- lately I've had a 'who cares about nasty cake eating MM' type of attitude and if one of us were going to be in pain (me or BW) I feel like I deserve it more. I really, really dislike the BW and know her personally but I still don't want her to hurt. Anyways, I don't know the point of this thread but her hurt has a forseeable end...just time and believing in him. I can't believe in anyone or anything anymore- I feel like I don't believe in love anymore.

 

Hey P4P,

 

I don't think it's helpful trying to compare pain and hurt. You have no idea how much pain/hurt she feels, how she's coping and for how long it will go on. She may feel exactly as you do and feel like she can't believe in love/anyone anymore.

 

The good news is: you'll eventually come to not feel this way anymore. I can't imagine 10 years from now and you're still feeling like this. It is all new right now so understandable how you feel this way, but one day it will not be this way, promise. (((hugs)))

[Praying4Peace]

Hey P4P,

 

I don't think it's helpful trying to compare pain and hurt. You have no idea how much pain/hurt she feels, how she's coping and for how long it will go on. She may feel exactly as you do and feel like she can't believe in love/anyone anymore.

 

The good news is: you'll eventually come to not feel this way anymore. I can't imagine 10 years from now and you're still feeling like this. It is all new right now so understandable how you feel this way, but one day it will not be this way, promise. (((hugs)))

 

Thanks. I know I'm the wrongdoer, that's why I know I deserve the pain more. I know she must hurt like hell. She knows how many Ddays, she knows the ILY's and she knows things that happened on certain unforgiveable days and how many times we slept together. But she blames herself bc she was emotionally unavailable so at least she can forge ahead with that knowledge that he's not all bad (though he's pretty damn bad). Wow, this hurts for everyone.

 

I know I'll be better with each passing month. Its just hard. He makes it a point I think to put a reminder of him in my face, acc to my therapist. Which is just cruel.

[stevie_23]

Hmm...this is quite interesting.

 

I'd never even really thought to compare the pain of an ex-OW to the pain of a BS...

 

I don't really think you CAN compare them. They're just...different.

 

All I can do is try to put myself in the place of...me, being in love with my ex-MM...still with him...then we get together properly...we live together for many, many years, totally in love...all is well...and then. BAM! I find out he's in love with someone else. My whole world...shatters.

 

Yeah. I think THAT would be worse than even how horribly bad I felt when he left me. And that was BAD.

[stevie_23]

But she blames herself bc she was emotionally unavailable so at least she can forge ahead with that knowledge that he's not all bad (though he's pretty damn bad). Wow, this hurts for everyone.

.

 

That too is interesting, that you say at least she can forge ahead with the knowledge that he isn't all bad...

 

But...if she blames herself, that's TERRIBLE! It's also INACCURATE. If she was emotionally unavailable, ok, that's unfortunate and ideally she shouldn't have been, but that's no excuse for him to have an affair. No way. There is NEVER an excuse. There can be contributing reasons and factors, but none of them are ever the BS's fault.

 

So...she blames herself. And now they're trying to reconcile their marriage? With her blaming herself? Wow. How's THAT gonna work? Good luck to them.

 

I think at the end of the pain train, right at the end...the best anyone can hope for is...

 

- The ex-OW believes the feelings within the A were genuine and real. They see that maybe in other circumstances, the A could've turned into an exclusive relationship and succeeded. It's sad to let go and move on due to the circumstances, but often you simply must. You tried...it had to end...now move on...

 

- The BS either can reconcile with the WS and their marriage can go on to be happy in the future...but often, this just doesn't work that well, either immediately or down the track. So if it DOESN'T work, they can at least believe the marriage was genuine and real to an extent and for a while...and that they tried and it just didn't work. Feelings change. Situations change.

 

It's ALL sad really. But we survive...

 

Ugh.

[Got it]

I know it sounds absurd...but this pain I'm going through...I oftentimes compare it to what the BW is going through.

 

For me:

Alone (my H and I got divorced)

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken

In NC, so no 'talking it out'

 

 

For her:

She has him back

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken.

Can talk about it everyday and get the answers she needs and wants to hear (MM is very clear about saying what she needs to hear)

 

Her history with him is much deeper- so that's more hurtful- but she has contact with him to work it out and at least listen to what he says (whether she chooses to believe is another story)

 

I have a shorter history with him- but the NC and abruptness is so hurtful that I can't get answers or ever know the answers to questions, which will haunt me forever.

 

That said- lately I've had a 'who cares about nasty cake eating MM' type of attitude and if one of us were going to be in pain (me or BW) I feel like I deserve it more. I really, really dislike the BW and know her personally but I still don't want her to hurt. Anyways, I don't know the point of this thread but her hurt has a forseeable end...just time and believing in him. I can't believe in anyone or anything anymore- I feel like I don't believe in love anymore.

 

Why are you comparing pain? Pain is subjective and individual, even an OW to OW ratio would not mean that they are parable.

 

Your pain is your pain, focus on mending it, healing it, and moving forward. (((((P4P)))))))

[Sarabi]

I know it sounds absurd...but this pain I'm going through...I oftentimes compare it to what the BW is going through.

 

For me:

Alone (my H and I got divorced)

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken

In NC, so no 'talking it out'

 

 

For her:

She has him back

Suffering from memories

Heartbroken.

Can talk about it everyday and get the answers she needs and wants to hear (MM is very clear about saying what she needs to hear)

 

Her history with him is much deeper- so that's more hurtful- but she has contact with him to work it out and at least listen to what he says (whether she chooses to believe is another story)

 

I have a shorter history with him- but the NC and abruptness is so hurtful that I can't get answers or ever know the answers to questions, which will haunt me forever.

 

That said- lately I've had a 'who cares about nasty cake eating MM' type of attitude and if one of us were going to be in pain (me or BW) I feel like I deserve it more. I really, really dislike the BW and know her personally but I still don't want her to hurt. Anyways, I don't know the point of this thread but her hurt has a forseeable end...just time and believing in him. I can't believe in anyone or anything anymore- I feel like I don't believe in love anymore.

 

Yeah...I feel like I don't believe in or deserve love either. Let it elude me for the rest of my life because if it will be as painful as this in future, I don't ever want to experience such a thing again

I know what you mean about being alone...I feel as if in some way these MM are lucky because they have their relationships to fall back on and someone to support them. Even though its a tough and painful time...they still have someone there. "Nasty cake eating MM" still deserves more love than someone like me.

I am not sure...just because the BS is around the WS all the time does it mean they always get the answers they want? They might not want to talk about it all the time(either party). They might not even find out everything they want to know...

Anyway. Hugs to you madam. Hopefully with the help of our fellow loveshackers we will get there eventually.

[waterwoman]

I am not sure...just because the BS is around the WS all the time does it mean they always get the answers they want? They might not want to talk about it all the time(either party). They might not even find out everything they want to know...

 

Too true sarabi. I'm with my h every night, most evenings and every weekend. In theory I could ask him anything, everything and I am sure he'd be honest. Thing is though, we have to nurture a relationship for the future. He isn't a database I can interrogate relentlessly, he's a human being who has emotional filters in place, who doesn't want to hurt me further, who is to a normal human extent a moral coward. I have to accept that the 'truth' will evade me. I have to accept the truth h gives me. It's not easy or comfortable. Affairs tend to do that though .