magneet Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Hi all I posted on this forum extensively a year ago, now that my ex-gf and I have been broken up for nearly 18 months. To make a loooong story short. Dated for 3 years - we wanted to break up for quite a while but didn't, I moved overseas, came back a year later and we had contact pretty much non stop. The times that I tried to break it off she didn't let me. and pursued me furiously. She always said the passion was lacking [intimacy] but everything else is there. She wants me to be the biggest role in her life but not dating [ie, surrogate boyfriend]. My ex [R] is a type A personality, driven, hard working and not sweet - more cold, and only wants to shoot up the career ladder. I am not that extreme career wise [had my own issues to work through] and am caring, loving and pretty much sweet - with her at least. Oh, i forgot, im 28, she is 27. Anyway, I started seeing another girl in germany - than R started freaking out as she might loose me. Back home [south Africa] we started having contact again, "she couldn't live without me" and when I initiated something she pulled away. So I was researchin Love addiction and the bad cycle - what was said is that party 1, the love addict [me] craves the other addict [R]. When I am "unavailable" she is attracted to me, then as time goes on I open up me emotions to her, let her back in, and then she withdraws, at that stage I get "needy" in her eyes as I want her back and find it hurtful that she stops contact for a week or so [whereas other times she phones me everyday, texts me 10 times a day and declares her love to me]. Then she says I am needy, withdraws and I am stuck in the middle, hurt, and confused. then a week or so later when I am more "harsh" she initiates contact and makes as if nothing happenend. and so the cycle starts over again. to note: she wants a guy who is more hardworking than her, 5 years older and and and... she met the perfect guy on paper while I was overseas but nothing came from it, and she pursued me and I let her bugger up the thing which I had with the other girl. One realisation that I had today is that she is exactly like the one person she hates, her dad. "strong", type a, successful and a very very bad family man [not cheating, but a horrible husband and father with no love whereas the mom is sweet]. While we were dating it felt as if our relationship was like their parents without love and "just" companions - which sucked. Bottom line, the whole time she says she loves me, that I am the most important person to her but I feel like a brother or father to her, yet she doesnt want to let go of me. I don't want or can fill only the "friend" role. When we do see each other we sleep together, but she is not enjoying it [other partners can't keep their hands of me so thats not the case incase you were wondering]. She want to fly on vacation with me in december and I would, if we were dating, but not as friends. She wants me to move up to where she is living to give it "a shot" [that mindset stays for a few weeks, and then the next few weeks she is anti it again and only wants to be friends] I am really confused, this chick is influencing my happiness - not hearing from her or her being rude really really buggers with me, yet I am scared of letting her go. [i should have mentioned that I don't have a family here in SA, only a stepdad who abused me ,sexually, verbally and empotionally until the late teens. hence she feels like the only family I have got in the world - I know that plays a major factor in her having that "power" over me.] So my question is, how do I break the cycle? What can I do to maybe give it a try? Last resort will obviously be to move on... [which when i do she comes running after me]... I love this girl from the bottom of my heart, even proposed to her before but alas, everything is a no... yet she stays... Please help on how to fix this love addiction cycle... [more info, the girl I had in germany was sweet, nurturing and caring - the main aspects that R does not have, yet she has others, being intelectual, good company and mutual views about life - hence a better partner so to speak.. except the things that are lacking obviously]. Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Hi all Pretty much my question is - how does one get out of / or fix the bad cycle that we are stuck in... She really has got a big impact on me, whereas when I am in contact with other girls I can take it or leave it - but not with her... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Are your parents divorced, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Mom passed away when I was 10, grew up with my step dad, as mentioned endured all kinds of abuse until out of the house. My blood family was overseas but didn't have contact with them - occasionally more when I got older. seeing my therapist I did realise a lot, issues with mom, issues with abuse, loneliness. Holding on to love and being able to care for someone ,as I struggle to look out for myself etc. I think I have identified all the factors over the last couple of years - and seeing my therapist on a regular basis - but how does one devise a plan of action to get things sorted? Hope I asnwered your question. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I think I have identified all the factors over the last couple of years - and seeing my therapist on a regular basis - but how does one devise a plan of action to get things sorted? Hope I asnwered your question. Apologies if my question was intrusive. I was trying to work out why you have codependent tendencies and you gave me the answer. What has your therapist told you about this? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 This is ridiculous. Your biggest problem is that you respond. You keep putting the disruption of your life, onto her shoulders. That's just a huge cop-out. You control your mind, your actions and your thoughts. Be responsible. Own your actions. If you get therapy, and quit being so responsive, pretty soon,all she will have to talk to, is thin air. Get help for yourself, and quit feeding her mania. Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 let me guess - say bye and keep no contact, right? :| 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 let me guess - say bye and keep no contact, right? :| That's correct. The term is 'detach' Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 let me guess - say bye and keep no contact, right? :| That's right.... Think of her trying to play ping-pong on her own...... How practical do you think that would be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Hi Emilia, it wasnt intrusive - i mean we are all on this forum for a reason, thanks for replying. We only started the topic of her and the dependancy issues within the last few days as the other things took priority. Anyway, the only thing that he made note of was for how long the cycle has been going on - which is a looooong time already, starting over and over. The main thing that he did say was do I want to "change" myself for her, or to what extend do I want to change myself for her. As she expects a certain something, never somebody to show emotions [like her dad], or is more hardworking than she [workaholic and very hard business woman], and not sweet... So the therapist said, to what extend do I want to cut off my emotional side, or sweet side in order to fit the picture of the person that she wants to be with. How much am I willing to give up of myself in order to be with her. Will I be able to sustain a relationship where sweetness, or somekind of nurturing is only given occasionally - nevermind the aspect of no intimacy or if it takes place bad intimacy. Taramaiden, I should agree with you that I respond - or am too available in that case. Funny, when we do spend time together and she is sweet for an evening or a day - that provides me with hope and energy, and lust for more... which i dont get for a quite a while until she feels loving again. as i type it i realise how sad this is. especially that I have been through this before with her, but gave in to her constant crying and reaching out to me. I am not sure I understand with when you said "you keep on putting the disruption of your life onto her shoulders". If you are referring to my own problems of unloading on her, that is not the case as I don't partake her in that. If you mean that I place higher value in her - or hold on to her as she is the person I love or have emotions for, hence automatically giving her power over me - than yes, spot on. I am holding onto her, the "security or stability" that she somehow provides to me. Not good, I know... I like when you said "get help for yourself and quit feeding her mania"... Thanks to both of you. I had a chat with a lady friend [neighbour], and we spoke about a few things. She is in a 12 step AA meeting and doing wonders to her. but thats not the point, I mentioned to her that I saw R [ex] this weekend, and as a 2nd birthday present I would buy her a plane ticket to fly down to the coast this weekend, as I miss her. She said no, its too soon, she wants to miss me more. I said ok, come next weekend then, 2 weeks is a good time. On to what she responded NO, she is going to a Ball or something with a girlfirend of hers [who bought her the ticket for her bday]... She said in 3 weeks would be a good time [she also needs to send me a certain number so that I can discount on the plane prices which she hasnt done, hence I know the prices will go up as the time gets closer, then I will say no as its too expensive, but then I "would" buy it evantually as the time gets closer] - if I dont cut her out before that. ANyway, after telling that to my lady friend that I ahd lunch with she was - M, seriously, jsut from hearing this it proves that you are not her number 1 in her life... Let her go. Cut her lose and tell her you love her, but that you cant see the relationship going anywhere, nor does her in- or unintentional emotional abuse or blackmail help with my happines... Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 quite like the ping-pong phrase. Its like an addiction to her, geez. As i mentioned before its not the first time I am trying to cut loose, but its tough - all over again. I really had so much hope this time of getting back together, of getting everything stable with us and back on track. I think that is the dissapointing part of it. I will note your responses, safe them in my mind and seriously put thought to action. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 So the therapist said, to what extend do I want to cut off my emotional side, or sweet side in order to fit the picture of the person that she wants to be with. How much am I willing to give up of myself in order to be with her. Will I be able to sustain a relationship where sweetness, or somekind of nurturing is only given occasionally - nevermind the aspect of no intimacy or if it takes place bad intimacy. Your therapist was trying to explain to you what codependency is. Are you familiar with the term? Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 yup, I have been doing a lot of reading [ since last year when i tried to figure out why she affects my happiness to such an extend, i mean she flew up to europe to come visit me, as friends, and the most physical contact that i got was cuddling at night]. So yes, I have done thorough research about co-dependancy, love addiction, and that sorts. I also know the reasons why due to my therapy for the last 6 months. so that is good. the only thing i still need to acquire is a plan. and unfortunately its most of the times the same answer in all the readings - focus on yourself and / or let the other one go. which makes me think, i cant have her in my life and focus on myself - as she overwhelms my emotions. and i automatically give in to her... which leaves me with one simple answer - cut her out. which then scares me, of not being able to go on vacation with her or seeing her over weekends now and then. silly me :| Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 which leaves me with one simple answer - cut her out. which then scares me, of not being able to go on vacation with her or seeing her over weekends now and then. silly me :| Of course it scares you but that's the issue with addiction isn't it. Take it from someone who knows: it WILL fade very fast. There will be a day soon when you will not want to go back from that detached state. This is your first step. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author magneet Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 looking forward to the outcome - thanks for the wise words, and i will reread this thread Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 .....Taramaiden, I should agree with you that I respond - or am too available in that case...... . I am not sure I understand with when you said "you keep on putting the disruption of your life onto her shoulders". I like when you said "get help for yourself and quit feeding her mania"... This is what I mean.... ..... I am really confused, this chick is influencing my happiness - yup, I have been doing a lot of reading [ since last year when i tried to figure out why she affects my happiness to such an extend.... she overwhelms my emotions. and i automatically give in to her... You are diverting full responsibility from how you are affected, to how she makes you feel. The bottom line is that, you are permitting her to affect you. It isn't her affecting you - it's you giving her permission to do so.... As Eleanor Roosevelt once said (on a mildly different matter): "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's the same with her affecting your happiness. She wouldn't be able to - without your consent. Own that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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