Moving on, but feeling the loss

[firstandlast]

After seven excruciating months of working for the same company as my xMOW -- and directly across the OOM who replaced me -- I'm starting a new job on Monday. It's a huge relief. Though I've been in strict NC (miraculous, considering we're technically on the same team), it's been tough seeing her name on the system, hearing her voice in conference calls, having to remain friendly with her new OM. I've dreaded coming in every morning and couldn't wait to leave every day. My new job is better in almost every way, too -- a nice change that most of my current coworkers would probably envy.

 

And yet, I feel like I'm losing something as I leave. That last wispy thread of connection completely, finally severed. I don't know whether it's fear or melancholy or nostalgia or what. I feel a vague sense of sadness, like I'm closing the door forever.

 

Yes, I know that she's already gone, and I wouldn't pursue her again even if my marriage crumbled and she were suddenly single. And my reconciliation is going better than I would have expected six months ago.

 

I can't explain it. Is this normal? I feel like it's a setback in my recovery.

[underwater2010]

Could it be fear that if you do talk with her again it will be because of wanting to and not needing to? Maybe fear of the new job not being as secure as the old?

 

I know that I fear change....even small ones.

 

It is not a set back....it is a step forward for both you and your wife.

[DelusionalOne]

After seven excruciating months of working for the same company as my xMOW -- and directly across the OOM who replaced me -- I'm starting a new job on Monday. It's a huge relief. Though I've been in strict NC (miraculous, considering we're technically on the same team), it's been tough seeing her name on the system, hearing her voice in conference calls, having to remain friendly with her new OM. I've dreaded coming in every morning and couldn't wait to leave every day. My new job is better in almost every way, too -- a nice change that most of my current coworkers would probably envy.

 

And yet, I feel like I'm losing something as I leave. That last wispy thread of connection completely, finally severed. I don't know whether it's fear or melancholy or nostalgia or what. I feel a vague sense of sadness, like I'm closing the door forever.

 

Yes, I know that she's already gone, and I wouldn't pursue her again even if my marriage crumbled and she were suddenly single. And my reconciliation is going better than I would have expected six months ago.

 

I can't explain it. Is this normal? I feel like it's a setback in my recovery.

 

I totally understand what you are saying, with all of it. But remember, your feelings right now are all wrapped up in the job change too. Change doesn't happen in a vacuum and we can't compartmentalize it. You are closing the door forever, on a lot of things. But that's a good thing. I think you are going to put all of this behind you now so much quicker. I am on vacation this week... and I am amazed how much better I feel. I deal with all the same stuff you did, name in the system, conference calls, names on the email... dreading coming in in the morning...because it's like it's always in your face.

 

This is a good thing. It's hard to say goodbye to the past sometimes, but the minute you walk out that door, you are going to feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders and you can breathe easily once more!

[firstandlast]

Could it be fear that if you do talk with her again it will be because of wanting to and not needing to? Maybe fear of the new job not being as secure as the old?

 

I know that I fear change....even small ones.

 

It is not a set back....it is a step forward for both you and your wife.

 

I don't think so -- I've had plenty of opportunities and good excuses to talk to her over the last seven months, but we haven't exchanged a word. We're on the same team, so it's actually a little odd that no one in management has noticed (they're all in another part of the state). She was the one who always broke NC. Actually , I think NC is pretty easy once you've really decided it's over. I don't mean easy as in not painful, but easy as in you're not tempted to reach out anymore.

 

The new job is actually more secure; I'm a contractor now. But it is something different, so maybe I'm worried I won't be any good at it.

 

Or maybe I'm just afraid of fading into her past and being forgotten. But then again, that probably happened pretty quickly after she found a new OM.

 

Or maybe this is the emotional death rattle of an unambiguous end.

[underwater2010]

You will be fine. And you are very normal for feeling this way.

[skywriter]

firstandlast,

 

I hope that you will come back in three months and tell us how you are feeling then. Congratulations on starting a new job!

 

I realise it's a bittersweet relief for you, but, it's time to severe the ties, and move forward.

[Praying4Peace]

I don't think so -- I've had plenty of opportunities and good excuses to talk to her over the last seven months, but we haven't exchanged a word. We're on the same team, so it's actually a little odd that no one in management has noticed (they're all in another part of the state). She was the one who always broke NC. Actually , I think NC is pretty easy once you've really decided it's over. I don't mean easy as in not painful, but easy as in you're not tempted to reach out anymore.

 

The new job is actually more secure; I'm a contractor now. But it is something different, so maybe I'm worried I won't be any good at it.

 

Or maybe I'm just afraid of fading into her past and being forgotten. But then again, that probably happened pretty quickly after she found a new OM.

 

Or maybe this is the emotional death rattle of an unambiguous end.

 

The final stages are worse in a way. It's like letting go of something forever, even if it doesn't exist right now. While the end of the A is first felt in panic and knots in your stomach and a lump in your throat...the ending months out (especially when there's an event like this to solidify it) causes this sadness that's deep in your bones and blood. It's like a more gentle mourning than the other kind. But it still hurts.

 

I'm so happy your reconciliation is going well. Maybe this change of jobs will make that even better. I'm sure it will accelerate your healing. Don't take the sadness as a sign of weakness...its just a sign that you feel deeply and she doesn't, what with her several new AP's.

 

I felt this way when I left my job and when I cut off all mail contact too. Like if I let go, it didn't happen.

[psm04]

After seven excruciating months of working for the same company as my xMOW -- and directly across the OOM who replaced me -- I'm starting a new job on Monday. It's a huge relief. Though I've been in strict NC (miraculous, considering we're technically on the same team), it's been tough seeing her name on the system, hearing her voice in conference calls, having to remain friendly with her new OM. I've dreaded coming in every morning and couldn't wait to leave every day. My new job is better in almost every way, too -- a nice change that most of my current coworkers would probably envy.

 

And yet, I feel like I'm losing something as I leave. That last wispy thread of connection completely, finally severed. I don't know whether it's fear or melancholy or nostalgia or what. I feel a vague sense of sadness, like I'm closing the door forever.

 

Yes, I know that she's already gone, and I wouldn't pursue her again even if my marriage crumbled and she were suddenly single. And my reconciliation is going better than I would have expected six months ago.

 

I can't explain it. Is this normal? I feel like it's a setback in my recovery.

 

Congratulations on your new job, and on maintaining NC! I think that what you are feeling is normal, and you are strong for continuing on with it. Regardless of the situation, she was still a part of your life in some way or another, and just like with any change, it feels different. This is not a setback. If anything, the sadness is probably a good thing because it is confirmation that it is over. I'd think that if you thought that you will get back in touch with her somehow, you wouldn't feel this way.

[RickFox]

Im happy that you're moving on, at least you don't have to see her anymore... let the past be the past (advice I need to take).

[firstandlast]

My wife, after assuring me I could use LS as a private space for dealing with things, read this thread and took it as a sign I'm not really committed to reconciliation. So much for self-expression.

Edited May 23, 2013 by firstandlast
Typo