HokeyReligions Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 My mother had two heart attacks earlier this year and she is fading fast---but could actually hang on for many months yet. Hubby's father has cancer and dementia and could go at any time---or hang on for a few months yet. We've been to see his dad several times over the last couple of months and his dad has had a few glimmers of recognition. It's been three weeks since we've seen him and hubby's step-mom just called and said that his dad is getting worse. She had hospice over to evaluate him again today he is down to 100 lbs and used to weigh 180 -- he was a big guy) and he doesn't know anyone at all anymore. Patsy (hubby step-mom) doesn't want to put her husband in a hospital or nursing home, but he doesn't know anyone anymore. She said there is no point in us going over to see him anymore -- he won't know us at all. I don't think he will last much longer and my money is on him to go before my mother does. This is not going to be a very happy next few months. Hubby and his dad were not close and there is a huge history of abuse and ignorance there, but this IS his father. Some years ago they stopped speaking at all because of a dumb fight (both are almost as stubborn as me ) and with his dad's dementia, hubby has not been able to have any real closure or healing. I want to be there totally for my husband when his father goes. I know him and I know that this is going to hit him harder than he can imagine. But I want him to be there for me when my mom goes, because I will be so devastated. My mom and I are very close and even with the frustrations and problems, I have absolutely loved having her live with us these last five and a half years. I will miss her dreadfully. It seems like it should get easier to lose people since I've already lost so many, and after my son died I swore I would never be afraid of anything again and didn't think I could possibly hurt again because I was inconsolable for so long and I have changed so dramatically over the last five years. My daugher died a few months after my mom moved in with us, and my son a few years after that. I should be okay with losing my mother -- parents are supposed to go first! But I'm having a hard time already. Maybe its also because she did move in right before my daughter died and with her gone I am facing living in the house with just my husband and our five K-9 kids. I need to focus on my husband's grief now though -- it seems to be much worse on him to lose a parent. Not that he didn't love the kids, but he never wanted kids in the first place. I mean, he cried and grieved too -- but seemed to be able to move on pretty quickly. He had such a great relationship with the kids -- they adored him and he adored them and very seldom was he angry with them, and never abusive. With his dad that whole history is in the way. It's so weird -- I've been watching re-runs the TV show Crossing Jordan, and there is a character who works at the ME's office and does grief counseling. I've been looking into getting certification for that myself. I wanted to be a funeral director and/or motician, but I'm not able to do the schooling for that -- it's too demanding, but I already have some of the credits needed to pursue a liscense/certification as a grief counselor. Maybe because I know what to expect from myself and my husband I am obsessing on this stuff today instead of making a concerted effort to redirect my focus. As my beloved late sister-in-law, Linda, used to say: Life Sucks and Then You Die. And she was right! [said in a Ron "Tater Salad" White voice] Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I don't think it's possible to get 'used' to loss. I think every loss diminishes us a little. For me, that people are around who remember people now gone is a comfort. As the people with the memories leave the planet, that will also make me sadder. Your mom knew and loved your kids so when she's gone, one more memory of them will be gone. I'm sorry you're facing yet more loss, Hoke. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Damn, I just looked at the title of the thread and thought it was a fun thread... HokeyReligions, you always leave me with a nagging feeling that I´m sissy. You´ve experienced so much and I really wonder where you get so much strength to deal with all these problems. I wish you good luck and hope you´ll also find the strength again to deal with this grief. My admiration is yours Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Oh goodness, I don't even know what to say, except I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I think grief is somewhat poorly understood, and people don't realize how devastating it can be. I know I've learned a lot about grief in the last few years. I didn't know both of your children have died. It's hard for me to even imagine how hard that must be. As much as I've grieved over my son's condition, I still can't imagine how hard it would be if one of my kids died. Life is hard, isn't it? Please take care Hokey, I don't know you are holding up with all the stress you have in your life right now. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I should be okay with losing my mother -- parents are supposed to go first! But I'm having a hard time already it's harder losing someone you've bonded with ... and even though you and your mom had some pretty rough things to have bonded over, it's made you closer. And I think it's harder when it's your own blood relative that you're about to lose. my mom and my husband's mom died six months apart, and I think I grieved less for my MiL than I did my own mom. Not because she was horrible or anything, but because she was so completely different than my mom that I never really bonded with her. I know Sybil loved her kids and was proud of them, but she never really did anything to reach out to them, which struck me as odd because even MY mom would call my husband up just to talk to him or to make sure he was okay if she was worried about him. I feel a bit guilty about this, but I figure my role is to be supportive of my husband as he grieves, and if I can do that, then in my own way, I'm doing something for his mom. when that time comes, Hoke, you'll be able to be his support system as your husband needs you because love gives you the strength to do that even as you grieve for reasons of your own. grief counseling: that'd be a really good avenue for you to pursue, as you have that gift of connecting with people. One of the girls I went to high school with ended up as an elementary school counselor after teaching for many years, and from what I heard, her main focus is grief counseling, both personal and group (as when something traumatic affects the campus population). [color=red]TATER SALAD ROCKS!!!![/color] have you seen his last video, "They Call Me Tater Salad"? some of the language is salty, but the show is really pretty funny, especially with his closing act about how his dog is a breeding sire and the vetinary hospital told old Tater that he could collect the "stuff" at home instead of coming in to harvest dog semen! I laughed so hard I thought I had peed my pants there's also a "backstage" segment that tells how he got his start, pretty damned funny because he's relaxed but hilarious Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted October 4, 2004 Author Share Posted October 4, 2004 Yeah, I have seen the Tater Salad video! He's a hoot! The stuff about his dog and his dog's lack of thumbs..... Talked to my step-mother-in-law (SMIL) over the weekend. Hubby's dad is worse. He doesn't recognize anyone anymore and is in so much pain and on so much pain meds that he can't even get around the house. SMIL is taking care of him along with hospice. Hubby had decided that he does not want to go back out to see him. SMIL said that the next time she calls it will be to tell us that he's gone. We already have the funeral information. My mom is doing about the same and she has a doctor appointment on day after tomorrow. I have to go back to the doctor as soon as I can because I've developed an infection I think. The area around the incision is just horrible looking and red and painful, and I'm having problems with my left eye -- it's totally bloodshot all the time, plus I just feel like crap from the medications. It's weird, the meds I was on for a while had me gaining weight like crazy -- the air had too many calories! I went up three sizes! Now, I'm losing weight and feeling worse and my oncologist said that was not a good sign so they want to do more tests and maybe more surgery, or (ick) move on to the next step and start chemo. Man! I can't afford to not work and I just got a raise and a promotion and an extension on my contract -- but no benefits! Oh well, at least all of this got me out of jury duty last week! http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/?OVRAW=Breast%20Cancer&OVKEY=breast%20cancer&OVMTC=standard [color=indigo] October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month --- Everyone: Get a mammorgram/tested today. Bring your sisters, mothers, daughters, girl friends and any other woman in your life and get tested. [/color] Every 12 minutes a woman in America dies of breast cancer. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Originally posted by kooky HokeyReligions, you always leave me with a nagging feeling that I´m sissy. I wish you good luck and hope you´ll also find the strength again to deal with this grief. My admiration is yours Ditto you Hokey. Link to post Share on other sites
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