Husband said he wants a divorce. Should I file first?

[tinam]

For those who don't know the story. Almost 2 weeks ago. He came home and said he hasn't been happy for some time. I was complete blindsited .we were very very happy in my mind. Also comes to find out he's been in an emotional relationship i guess with a co co worker. He won't say for how long. He been having a physical affair for i don't know how long. He won't tell me that either. Going back on my messages the past 3 weeks I've gothen 5 "im gonna be later" up until the night before he left. So i think that's when that started either. Now he's moving in with her. I asked if he wants a divorce he said yes. I said then your paying for it. I was pissed. He said won't be anytime soon. Everyone is telling me i need to file before him so he can't pull anything and so i know my rights and what i have coming child support/ alimony wise. I don't think he'd pull anything but i didn't think he'd do any of this. We don't own any property assets anything. I just want to make sure he pays what he has to for these kids. I don't make enough to pay all bills alone. No where near! Rents coming up. No way i can pay it. Don't know if he Will. I can't afford a lawyer. Is there a benefit in me filing first? What a mess. I don't want to think of legal cap! I guess i need to start.

[TaraMaiden]

Most certainly you should....

But bear this in mind:

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and he are extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about him, to interfere with what you must Practically do.

 

You must safeguard your interests and those of the children.

If that means pulling a fast one and showing him what you're made of - go for it.

[Simpleoldschool]

If i could say something, i think its part of the option in divorce you want to weigh.

 

First, where are you emotionally at? im not asking you to tell me but to tell yourself.

 

Second, this is a time where you have been hurt.

 

Never do anything out of emotion. First you need to worry about becoming emotionally healthy because of how toxic this person has treated you.

 

Reclaim you self-worth. your own person. The fact you did not do a single thing to someone that forced them to make a choice like him. even if you did do something wrong, two wrongs never make a right and his choice to have an affair wasnt created or generated out of anything but his choice to do so. Period.

 

Now i want you to realize something. Divorce will not resolve any emotions you have. It will not get him back for what hes done and it will not win you a golden trophy. when people divorce its for these reasons.

 

A.selfishness

b. anger/resentment

c.an affair

 

now any of these reasons, alone by themselves cause the person on the opposite end to be emotionally distraught. they attack self-worth and they attack trust. but dont engage yourself to the trickly effect and run around wildly in a state of emotional hurt and make decisions.

 

First. smile as deeply as you can right now. you were a wife and you are a mother. be proud of what you did. dont attribute what you did for him, if he didnt realize it and appreiciate it. you did that for yourself anf for the children. also understand love is not deserving of itself, so you shouldnt have done anything to earn something in return.

 

If you are truly READY for divorce, then and only then file. but dont do it on the backdrop of emotion or it wont be the right decision.

 

i disagree with the tenants of the post be tara-maiden. to think purely objectively right now even though you think you are able, emotion will corner itself through and will still be backing the decision. you are not a robot but you need to be emotionally stable enough to make this decision.

 

these series of question you need to take on.

 

1. do you love him - if so why.

 

2. are you truely ready for divorce if you do love him - refer to question one and apply the why

 

3. are you ready to let go of all the angry feelings aswell as the loving feelings. all the memories and understand you can make more with him or without him.

 

4. can you forgive him - why would you even do so though now unless he made a 360 degree spin. i think everyone should always forgive someone but only when they are both ready and when one person is truly sorry. forgiveness cannot be given without a sorry. thats where forgiveness can be a powerfull tool. you forgive and then you forgive yourself.

 

 

make sure you are ready or you will have emotionally unresolved baggage you will carry over into your next relationship or you wil simply deprive yourself from having one expecting the same from anyone you meet and wind up in all the same situations.

 

im a man, i dont cheat never have. there are men like this out there.

 

you really need to come to a place of peace in your heart. you need to sit back, relax and know it will be ok. that you are important and this women isnt better than you and doesnt mean more than you and doesnt deserve more than you do, from this man in question. he somehow is living in a fantasy world where he doesnt have to talk about bills kids etc. he is having a full-blown fantasy relationship and i guarentee you it wont last. the statistics dont support it and she isnt a good person if she knows hes married. this affair will crumble and then you can choose to forgive him or divorce. but you need MONEY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE IS STILL LEGGALY LIABLE FOR YOUR CARE AND WELLFARE.dont let him get away with that. make him feel where his decision gets him and see if he learns his lesson or if he will do this again.

 

sometimes we participate in our own forms of fantasy. sometimes healthy sometimes unhealthy like him.

 

im just saying you need to resolve alot emotionally before you take it to court or everything about the legal situation you will dive into you will dive into it emotionally and that and legal dont mix. you could get yourself in trouble, get your kids taken away etc etc etc. remember when you get other people involved they make their own choices about what direction your life is going and those involved with you.

 

take time to think about this.take time to ask questions of yourself you arent thinking about now. you dont want to re-hash this with questions after a divorce or you in your heart will still be married and carry the same emotions until you become very bitter or very emotionally hurt.

 

take out a pen and write down how you are a great person. something you can look at. something you can read about yourself. spend time with your kids and focus on their emotional stability so it doesnt feel like the gravity of this situation topples them.

 

look for lawyers on the web who are "pro-bono". just take your time with this or you will hurt yourself the very most.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[coaches24]

Is there a benefit to filing first? I haven't found anything that says there is. As the PP said don't do it unless its what YOU want. Don't do it as an emotional reaction to him. Unless there is some advantage for you to file first I say let him make that move if that's what he's going to do.

 

Absolutely research divorce in your state or country and see what is involved and prepare yourself for what is likely to come but unless you have decided you want the divorce and want to get it going now I don't see why you would need to file before he does. Let him do the dirty work and be ready to fight for your rights.

[dreamingoftigers]

This guy has:

 

1. A freshly minted affair

2. He blindsided you with it

3. Hidden his "unhappiness" for a "long time."

4. All of a sudden moving in with an OW

5. Pushed to have the kids meet her

6. Threatened to fight for full custody if they didn't go

7. Says he wants a divorce.

8. you can't pay the bills

9. You don't know if he will, at all.

 

Tinam. I know you're getting kick after kick to the head. Meditate in between and try to catch your breath.

 

But WAKE UP AND LISTEN.

 

You have no clue what this asshat is doing next and he doesn't have you or your kids interests at heart. At all.

 

My WS turned into a phukking monster. Abandoned all responsibility and just went weird. Your husband is spinning. He's gonna look out for Número UNO first. Mistress Second. And you DEAD LAST. Unless his image depends on it.

 

This is going to be an emotionally hard concept to wrap your head around, bit since there's no reconciliation going on. He's the ENEMY. if you don't file and get his financial things in order for the kids, you're screwed. DON'T BE SCREWED. He will screw up your financial and emotional life harder than he's screwing OW right now. He won't even blink. He feels justified right now doing this to you and the kids. You haven't worked in awhile and he'll feel justified to "teach you a lesson" or "have you beg."

 

And honest to God, if you do want this WS back (because it's really fun torturing yourself after a broken heart, trust me I know) the only thing that reaches these morons (WS like yours) is scorched Earth.

 

The ONLY thing.

 

Put on your combat boots and read BryanP's thread. Get as hard, fast and decisive as him.

 

 

 

For those who don't know the story. Almost 2 weeks ago. He came home and said he hasn't been happy for some time. I was complete blindsited .we were very very happy in my mind. Also comes to find out he's been in an emotional relationship i guess with a co co worker. He won't say for how long. He been having a physical affair for i don't know how long. He won't tell me that either. Going back on my messages the past 3 weeks I've gothen 5 "im gonna be later" up until the night before he left. So i think that's when that started either. Now he's moving in with her. I asked if he wants a divorce he said yes. I said then your paying for it. I was pissed. He said won't be anytime soon. Everyone is telling me i need to file before him so he can't pull anything and so i know my rights and what i have coming child support/ alimony wise. I don't think he'd pull anything but i didn't think he'd do any of this. We don't own any property assets anything. I just want to make sure he pays what he has to for these kids. I don't make enough to pay all bills alone. No where near! Rents coming up. No way i can pay it. Don't know if he Will. I can't afford a lawyer. Is there a benefit in me filing first? What a mess. I don't want to think of legal cap! I guess i need to start.

[dreamingoftigers]

Is there a benefit to filing first? I haven't found anything that says there is. As the PP said don't do it unless its what YOU want. Don't do it as an emotional reaction to him. Unless there is some advantage for you to file first I say let him make that move if that's what he's going to do.

 

Absolutely research divorce in your state or country and see what is involved and prepare yourself for what is likely to come but unless you have decided you want the divorce and want to get it going now I don't see why you would need to file before he does. Let him do the dirty work and be ready to fight for your rights.

 

Right now it would be as a protectionary measure.

 

At the VERY VERY least to go to an attorney.

 

VERY VERY LEAST.

[Simpleoldschool]

i just find it laughable thats hes moving in with her. i beilieve this situation he will find himself quite possible without a wife and then his new girlfriend even though he cant have one, will kick him out.

 

moving in so quick when you are married. wtf. he is cornering his fate. i think you should tell him that.

 

just remember in revenge dig two graves. the grave wants you to pay forward the reason you opened it.

 

be carefull and protect your kids. and never, never seek revenge no matter the feelings of your want, because revenge doesnt play favorites. it exists because it is created and it begets all the same from receipient to who started it all.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude, I doubt it's revenge.

 

Seriously. She's not even the type.

Shes the devastated, every single step of the way shocked at every hit he delivers. And she freezes in shock and hurt.

 

If she was the type she wouldn't be asking "so, um, ate you wanting a divorce then?" She would have sent "his car" which would be a joint asset to the junkyard. Making everything frustrating. Venting on him. Cutting him off. Telling the kids nasty things etc etc etc.

 

It's called self-preservation because he's leading this whole process and using her shock and hurt to try to weasel himself into an ideal position.

 

If he waits and she starts working, he could seriously make up a series of BS and put in a bid for FULL custody and child support.

 

Or she could end up punted off of his health insurance or god knows what state to state.

 

She needs to be protecting herself and get her foundation in place while he's still spinning around in fantasy land. Because he's going to rip her down for everything he can. Because la la land tells him the wife and kid's feelings don't matter. He matters. Because he "deserves it.":sick:

 

i just find it laughable thats hes moving in with her. i beilieve this situation he will find himself quite possible without a wife and then his new girlfriend even though he cant have one, will kick him out.

 

moving in so quick when you are married. wtf. he is cornering his fate. i think you should tell him that.

 

just remember in revenge dig two graves. the grave wants you to pay forward the reason you opened it.

 

be carefull and protect your kids. and never, never seek revenge no matter the feelings of your want, because revenge doesnt play favorites. it exists because it is created and it begets all the same from receipient to who started it all.

[dreamingoftigers]

I personally don't think she should warn him either.

 

She's not his mother. He's not 12.

 

If we go down that vein, she would also have to let him know that "affairs aren't nice."

 

I think he's hedging his bets that he's gonna be that "lucky" 1.75%.

[Simpleoldschool]

haha please dont miscontrue it was made out of suggestion in the realm of possibility. i have read from tinam before and she seems very, very nice.

 

i just dont want her to get hurt. BECAUSE COOL PEOPLE SHOULD LAUGH.

 

and pleeeassseee dont call me duuuude >.<''''''''' EEEEEEEEEE T_T.....

 

 

and i know shes not his mother, but a wife doesnt tell herself she is even when someones a jerk.

 

the test of a nice person is still being nice to a jerk. but not letting that jerk hurt you.

 

i know all about self-preservation and she needs him to PAY MONIES!

 

and everyone thinks they are that low percent. i was simply offering advice taken or not. free of decision.

[Simpleoldschool]

to be honest tinam you should tell him its not your responsibility to make him happy. nor is it any others women as a man he should make his own in HIS HOUSE and his wifes house with his wife and his children. when did men stop becoming men?

[Simpleoldschool]

Tinam im going to ask you to do some things and you need to know if you are comfortable.

 

Locate a court nearest you and file an injuction. talk with the judge and tell him you want your husband to pay (monitarily for the choices he made.)

 

i want you to prepare for a day in court not a divorce, right now. if you do what i say i think you might be well of if you choose to file for divorce later ( you will have more evidence to substantiate your claims)and what you claim but dont go taking the mans pants off of him.

 

an injunction is such -A judicial order that restrains a person from effecting legal action, or orders redress to an injured party.

 

since you are an injured party by way of affair you need to prove that an affair exists. this would be easier if you had a lawyer but i doubt you can afford one. atleast let people in the legal atmosphere know whats going on.

 

you simply want to collect anything and everything that can prove your case for this lawsuit and have him pay you while hes off doing what hes doing. that will really make him think about it. or atleast feel it and pay you.

 

if you have an evidence, ie take pictures of him moving out. anything. pictures of this women anything let me know. i will prepare you for what you will say and how those pictures have been obtained but the situation has to provide accurracy to the claims.

 

actually file for seperation have a lawyer prepare it. the seperation agreement will contain that hes moving to pursue an affair as a legally married individual and that he must pay x amount of dollars in alimony since you are use to relying on him for support and income and you are use to a way of living. his obligation as a married person is to take care of you. i would have this injunction and seperation agreement filed toghether. the judges docket will have a case number for your case and a date. PREPARE IN ADVANCE OF THAT DATE TO PROVE WHATS HAPPENING.

 

you will get a court date! the court will take into consideration prima facie or at first glance the preponderence of evidence being suggested, this is where you offer ANY SUPPLEMENTARY EVIDENCE YOU HAVE TO SUPPORT YOUR CLAIMS. if he has a lawyer the lawyer will object and claim heresay, you simply say your honor everything on this case is based on heresay, however i do have evidence to substaintiate my claims if it would please the court i would like to now present this before the court so the court can take this into consideration, your honor.

 

also if he signed the sep agreement containing all these elements hes an idiot. he most likely wont so him moving out he still has to provide for you anyway. if you can prove the affair is happening and does exist then you can wham bam him. i would say get a PI but again the funds might not be availible. have all court costs and everything deferred to him but you HAVE TO WIN. i want you to give me more information.

 

have you seen him with this women. etc etc. go buy a take recorder. get a binder. record dates behaviours and everything by way of him.

 

if i was dark enough i would get the kids to say that they have another mommy that daddy spends time with.

 

anything you can do to football kick this thing into a field goal.

 

when you use the tape recorder though it has to be with his knowledge. dont sound like the crazy person. let him yell and do everything. you can file a verbal abuse deal later along with the sep agreement and the supplementary evidence will be your recording. invest in if you have the funds a camera system. put on the outside of the door that your home, the inside is under surveilance and anyone who enters assumes surveilance upon entering the property. he will lost his rights if he enters. then get him to spill all the beans. anything he does will be recorded.

 

you have to look up laws particular to your state. if you tell me which state your in i can look them up for you.

 

you really need to get started and this will keep you busy. but he needs to start paying those monies. and the court is your best avenue. you can go down to the local court house and ask someone there to tell you what steps need to be taken.

 

but at the very least an injunction will serve well and if you beilieve you have suffered other things you can prove. make that money by sueing him.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Simpleoldschool]

so i was typing such and such and then the window dissappeared. WTF?

 

Don't do anything illegal

Don't do anything you can't explain to a judge with a straight face

steps

 

 

i resourced most of this in this post from google. some things to consider.

1. Remember that anything you do to gather evidence can be used against you to dilute the impact of your evidence. If you break the law to get the evidence you could go to jail. Be prepared to explain your actions to a judge.
   

1. Hire a private investigator. This will require some cash and you need to make sure your spouse isn't able detect the expense and get wind of what you are doing.
   
2. Check emails. Be very careful about hacking into accounts. If you have access already then you aren't doing anything wrong. You can also purchase software that will legally help you determine if your spouse is cheating.
   
3. 
   Intercept texts. There are devices that will allow you to intercept text messages on a phone that you have a legal right to. If your spouse shares your plan then you may be legally entitled to these texts.
   
4. 
   Check texts on their phone. Be careful, this often causes confrontations if you are caught. if their phone has a password you automatically know something is wrong. If you see incriminating texts you can often photocopy the screen. If not take pictures with your phone.
   
5. 
   Keep an eye on facebook. It is amazing how many people will reconnect with old flames on facebook. Be careful about hacking accounts.
   
6. 
   Watch their spending. Unexplained cash withdrawals or credit card expenses in strange places can indicate cheating. You'll need to keep the bills.
   
7. Pull cell phone records and look for patterns of calls. If you can find the number for their new partner you can show a pattern.
   

Record confrontations. If you are going to confront your spouse or if you think that their infidelity might come out record the conversation. This nails down their admission and may keep you out of trouble if they later claim that you said or did something inappropriate.

 

Also one of the greatest things to consider is what is considered marital property in your state. you are entitled to all property in the same residence depending on your state because it all may be viewed as mutual property. if thats the case you can state that any property you are entitled to the use of and woops you stumbled upon XYZ

[Simpleoldschool]

also if he has a lawyer and the lawyer says something dumb.

 

you can usually object and say " lacking foundation" -cite why it is.

 

also anything he objects to claim that anything you say is material to the court in way of his honors scrutinity and anything immaterial we be decided by his honor.

 

if the lawyer trys to get you to say anything self-incriminating or such object and claim priveledge. this is where i say wouldnt because you dont have a lawyer and it would make you seem guilty. maybe.

 

anyways.

 

object like crazy if he has a lawyer. when its his turn to talk.

 

simply object on grounds that it does not apply to the case in question.that you have evidence to the contrary best evidence rule. etc is not pertinent. etc etc etc object and state laws in accordance with state statues. act like you know what your talking about.

 

id have a field day.

 

here are some lists of objections.

 

Argumentative: the question makes an argument rather than asking a question. if you are supposed to be asked a question say this. or if hes acting like something is a fact. you object and say argumentative and offer a counter to the claim hes suggesting as a fact, then support what you said with any evidence.

 

follow up,

 

Assumeing facts not in evidence: the question assumes something as true for which no evidence has been shown, then again show yours. address to the court you have evidence to the contrary of any of his claims.

 

Incompetent: the witness is not qualified to answer the question.

if anyones incompetant to answer the questions. if he brings a witness, cite that the person was not there on such and such a date or state that it would be in the best interests of the court to proceed in a manner that the source can be validated as competant and suggest the court would require evidence to that effect. if not ask his honor to disregard politely on the entire reason you object, which is incompetant or incompetance.

 

Privilege: the witness may be protected by law from answering the question claim this is they try to get you to say something only you should know.

 

Lack of foundation: the evidence lacks testimony as to its authenticity or source

 

Fruit of the poisonous tree: the evidence was obtained illegally, or the investigative methods leading to its discovery were illegal.

 

also if he objects to your heresay say this

 

Best evidence rule or hearsay evidence: requires that the original source of evidence is required, if available( this is where you can make him look dumb, also if he has no evidence). However, some documents are self-authenticating under Rule 902, such as (1) domestic public documents under seal, (2) domestic public documents not under seal, but bearing a signature of a public officer, (3) foreign public documents, (4) certified copies of public records, (5) official publications, (6) newspapers and periodicals, (7) trade inscriptions and the like, (8) acknowledged documents (i.e. by a notary public), (9) commercial paper and related documents, (10) presumptions under Acts of Congress, (11) certified domestic records of regularly conducted activity, (12) certified foreign records of regularly conducted activity.

 

try to get 11 and 12 to apply here.

 

be ready to provide such evidence.

 

More prejudicial than probative: Under Federal Rule of Evidence 403, a judge has the discretion to exclude evidence if "its probative value is substantially outweighed by the danger of unfair prejudice, confusion of the issues, or is misleading. if you feel anything is prejudiced against you and the case object and say this.

 

• Narrative: the witness is relating a story in response to a question that does not call for one.
  
• Non-responsive: the witness's response constitutes an answer to a question other than the one that was asked, or no answer at all
  
• Nothing pending: the witness continues to speak on matters irrelevant to the question.
  

Example: “Did your mother call?” “Yeah. She called at 3:00." Opposing counsel can object to the latter part of this statement, since it answers a question that was not asked. With some concern for annoying the court, counsel will selectively use this to prevent a witness from getting into self-serving answers

 

im not entirely sure about all of this but this is something you can do homework on.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Mr. Lucky]

She needs to be protecting herself and get her foundation in place while he's still spinning around in fantasy land. Because he's going to rip her down for everything he can. Because la la land tells him the wife and kid's feelings don't matter. He matters. Because he "deserves it.":sick:

Couldn't agree more. When disaster strikes, triage is the first order of business:

 

tri·age : the sorting of and allocation of treatment to patients and disaster victims according to a system of priorities designed to maximize the number of survivors

 

And if your priorities are keeping your house, protecting your kids and providing for your family's financial security, you should do what you think is necessary. If that includes filing, so be it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry, maybe my delivery wasn't ideal.

 

1. I call so many people dude. It started in Junior High and stuck. Yes, part of my vocabulary is stuck in Jumior High.

2. I agree about peoplebeing nice even when someone else is being a jerk. Make no mistake, I am not suggesting that she cut him down, shame him or be rude to him in any way. What I do hope is that she realizes that sometimes being nice means respecting the person's choices instead of using yourself as a human shield against their incoming consequences.

 

He made choices. He's a grown man. At this point the last thing this guy is going to listen to is his wife's view if his choices, no matter how legitimate. I tried educating my husband for YEARS about what was happening with us, me, our daughter and what he was risking. He only resented it. He STILL resents it. It creates animosity and rebellion, "no it won't, I'll show you otherwise!"

 

My husband for instance only learned the emotional and physical consequences for his actions when I stopped shielding him from them. I decided to respect his choices of subverting our marriage in favor of his addiction. All if my concern and warning, tears and gentleness served no purpose until he SAW and EXPERIENCED and flat fall on his face. It hit him fast and in

more areas than he ever expected. I didn't do it to hurt him or gain his favor. I pulled back and refocused to fight for my daughter.

 

I stopped pouring my energy into trying to save a bond with someone who kept cutting away at it and himself. As soon as the cord reached it's snapping point, I let go. All of a sudden he was in his own free fall having to find his own direction and where he wanted to be. He didn't have my support to tether him anymore. Nothing to resist either. Once I got out of his way, he couldn't blame me either.

 

Plus the scorched Earth approach made some of the other consequences that much more real. And on a timeline. He couldn't string me along anymore. The dealing had passed.

 

Anyhow that's why I advise what I advise to Tinam.

 

haha please dont miscontrue it was made out of suggestion in the realm of possibility. i have read from tinam before and she seems very, very nice.

 

i just dont want her to get hurt. BECAUSE COOL PEOPLE SHOULD LAUGH.

 

and pleeeassseee dont call me duuuude >.<''''''''' EEEEEEEEEE T_T.....

 

 

and i know shes not his mother, but a wife doesnt tell herself she is even when someones a jerk.

 

the test of a nice person is still being nice to a jerk. but not letting that jerk hurt you.

 

i know all about self-preservation and she needs him to PAY MONIES!

 

and everyone thinks they are that low percent. i was simply offering advice taken or not. free of decision.

[Shocked Suzie]

Sorry, maybe my delivery wasn't ideal.

 

1. I call so many people dude. It started in Junior High and stuck. Yes, part of my vocabulary is stuck in Jumior High.

2. I agree about peoplebeing nice even when someone else is being a jerk. Make no mistake, I am not suggesting that she cut him down, shame him or be rude to him in any way. What I do hope is that she realizes that sometimes being nice means respecting the person's choices instead of using yourself as a human shield against their incoming consequences.

 

He made choices. He's a grown man. At this point the last thing this guy is going to listen to is his wife's view if his choices, no matter how legitimate. I tried educating my husband for YEARS about what was happening with us, me, our daughter and what he was risking. He only resented it. He STILL resents it. It creates animosity and rebellion, "no it won't, I'll show you otherwise!"

 

My husband for instance only learned the emotional and physical consequences for his actions when I stopped shielding him from them. I decided to respect his choices of subverting our marriage in favor of his addiction. All if my concern and warning, tears and gentleness served no purpose until he SAW and EXPERIENCED and flat fall on his face. It hit him fast and in

more areas than he ever expected. I didn't do it to hurt him or gain his favor. I pulled back and refocused to fight for my daughter.

I stopped pouring my energy into trying to save a bond with someone who kept cutting away at it and himself. As soon as the cord reached it's snapping point, I let go. All of a sudden he was in his own free fall having to find his own direction and where he wanted to be. He didn't have my support to tether him anymore. Nothing to resist either. Once I got out of his way, he couldn't blame me either.

 

Plus the scorched Earth approach made some of the other consequences that much more real. And on a timeline. He couldn't string me along anymore. The dealing had passed.

 

Anyhow that's why I advise what I advise to Tinam.

 

 

This feels so liberating too when this is happens, it's so great when you get to this stage....the letting go and excepting the situation for what it is and being able to finally walk away....Moving forward for you and your children

[tinam]

Dude, I doubt it's revenge.

 

Seriously. She's not even the type.

Shes the devastated, every single step of the way shocked at every hit he delivers. And she freezes in shock and hurt.

 

If she was the type she wouldn't be asking "so, um, ate you wanting a divorce then?" She would have sent "his car" which would be a joint asset to the junkyard. Making everything frustrating. Venting on him. Cutting him off. Telling the kids nasty things etc etc etc.

 

It's called self-preservation because he's leading this whole process and using her shock and hurt to try to weasel himself into an ideal position.

 

If he waits and she starts working, he could seriously make up a series of BS and put in a bid for FULL custody and child support.

 

Or she could end up punted off of his health insurance or god knows what state to state.

 

She needs to be protecting herself and get her foundation in place while he's still spinning around in fantasy land. Because he's going to rip her down for everything he can. Because la la land tells him the wife and kid's feelings don't matter. He matters. Because he "deserves it.":sick:

 

Exactly. Revenge hasn't even crossed my mind. Im still what is happening? I have a friend that went through it and she's like how have you not went to his work confronted the wrecking whore? Or followed him to their new little love shack to see where they live? Its yo painful to think of. I want to heal because i know i have to. It just don't seem possible at times. I am working just very part time. Trying to find more work. Hrs couldn't really try for full custody could he? After what he's done? My kids know about the affair. HE told them. Don't they have a say?

[tinam]

also if he has a lawyer and the lawyer says something dumb.

 

you can usually object and say " lacking foundation" -cite why it is.

 

also anything he objects to claim that anything you say is material to the court in way of his honors scrutinity and anything immaterial we be decided by his honor.

 

if the lawyer trys to get you to say anything self-incriminating or such object and claim priveledge. this is where i say wouldnt because you dont have a lawyer and it would make you seem guilty. maybe.

 

anyways.

 

object like crazy if he has a lawyer. when its his turn to talk.

 

simply object on grounds that it does not apply to the case in question.that you have evidence to the contrary best evidence rule. etc is not pertinent. etc etc etc object and state laws in accordance with state statues. act like you know what your talking about.

 

id have a field day.

 

here are some lists of objections.

 

Argumentative: the question makes an argument rather than asking a question. if you are supposed to be asked a question say this. or if hes acting like something is a fact. you object and say argumentative and offer a counter to the claim hes suggesting as a fact, then support what you said with any evidence.

 

follow up,

 

Assumeing facts not in evidence: the question assumes something as true for which no evidence has been shown, then again show yours. address to the court you have evidence to the contrary of any of his claims.

 

Incompetent: the witness is not qualified to answer the question.

if anyones incompetant to answer the questions. if he brings a witness, cite that the person was not there on such and such a date or state that it would be in the best interests of the court to proceed in a manner that the source can be validated as competant and suggest the court would require evidence to that effect. if not ask his honor to disregard politely on the entire reason you object, which is incompetant or incompetance.

 

Privilege: the witness may be protected by law from answering the question claim this is they try to get you to say something only you should know.

 

Lack of foundation: the evidence lacks testimony as to its authenticity or source

 

Fruit of the poisonous tree: the evidence was obtained illegally, or the investigative methods leading to its discovery were illegal.

 

also if he objects to your heresay say this

 

Best evidence rule or hearsay evidence: requires that the original source of evidence is required, if available( this is where you can make him look dumb, also if he has no evidence). However, some documents are self-authenticating under Rule 902, such as (1) domestic public documents under seal, (2) domestic public documents not under seal, but bearing a signature of a public officer, (3) foreign public documents, (4) certified copies of public records, (5) official publications, (6) newspapers and periodicals, (7) trade inscriptions and the like, (8) acknowledged documents (i.e. by a notary public), (9) commercial paper and related documents, (10) presumptions under Acts of Congress, (11) certified domestic records of regularly conducted activity, (12) certified foreign records of regularly conducted activity.

 

try to get 11 and 12 to apply here.

 

be ready to provide such evidence.

 

More prejudicial than probative: Under Federal Rule of Evidence 403, a judge has the discretion to exclude evidence if "its probative value is substantially outweighed by the danger of unfair prejudice, confusion of the issues, or is misleading. if you feel anything is prejudiced against you and the case object and say this.

 

• Narrative: the witness is relating a story in response to a question that does not call for one.
  
• Non-responsive: the witness's response constitutes an answer to a question other than the one that was asked, or no answer at all
  
• Nothing pending: the witness continues to speak on matters irrelevant to the question.
  

Example: “Did your mother call?” “Yeah. She called at 3:00." Opposing counsel can object to the latter part of this statement, since it answers a question that was not asked. With some concern for annoying the court, counsel will selectively use this to prevent a witness from getting into self-serving answers

 

im not entirely sure about all of this but this is something you can do homework on.

 

Wow. Thanks so much for taking the time to post so much info. That is so much to take in. My head is spinning. I don't have any evidence of this woman other than him telling me about her. He told the kids about her. Already asked them if they wanted to meet her. So he's not hiding anything. 2 of my 3 kids do not want to meet her and are angry with him. The other don't know how to feel and im not pushing him. I live in Florida to answer your questions about that. I really don't want things to get nasty. This is so painful. I just want to make sure im able to take care of my family.I don't want to deal with lawyers and courts and all that mess. Does it always come to that. Ugh.

[Simpleoldschool]

im going to send you alot of information, quickly and you need to do this for your benefit.

 

you need to file and injunction and heres how, in your state of florida.

 

again an injunction is such.

 

"An injunction is a court order requiring another party to cease a course of action or to undertake a certain course of action. Temporary restraining orders and preliminary injunctions are types of temporary injunctions. To file an injunction in Florida, you will need follow the Florida rules of civil procedure."

 

 

Instructions

 

1. 
   
   • 1 Call your local court and locate the closest public law library. If there is no local public law library, contact the department of court records at your court house.
     

1. 
   
   • 
      
     

2 Go to your local law library and obtain a form for a petition for injunction. the type of injunction you require, there will be different forms.
 
 

Fill out all of the routine information necessary for the petition including the names of the parties, the case caption number, your address and any other information requested by the court.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Draft the body of the petition for injunction by stating some brief background history, why the injunction must be granted and exactly what type of relief you want the court to order. You need to present a convincing argument that if the injunction is not granted you will face some type of irreparable harm.

 

 

Draft an order of court requesting the specific relief you want and attach it to your petition for injunction.

 

 

File your petition for injunction at your local department of court records and pay the filing fee associated with the petition. Fees will vary depending on your location

 

 

 

first write him a letter of complaint. (this is where you will begin keeping information sent and not received. file it with your case. have the letter sent and signed for. if you get her to sign for it wham bam evidence. if you know her name have her sign for it but have it adressed to him.

 

Type of Complaint : Marital

YOUR NAME

123, SOMEWHERE LANE

LOCATION, Florida, 12345-56

Phone: (12) 377-7777

Fax: (1) 237-7777

Email: [email protected]

 

 

HIS NAME

LOC, LOC

LOC, Florida, 12345-56

Attn: adress him

[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

Complaint details:

describe the reason for you complaint and what you are complaining about.

this is the complaint detail section.

 

Dear Sir/Madam:

Please give my concerns in this complaint letter your immediate attention.

 

Remedy:

(Describe the remedy you want)

describe the remedy you require that the complaint should be put to rest and you are afforded your entitlement he be required according to his marital responsibility and obligation.

 

May 23, 2013

 

 

*Provide notice that you will take legal action if the recipient does not comply with this letter*

 

*Enclose records or receipts in complaint letter ( your option)*

 

if he disregards, write him a letter of demand.

Type of demand letter: Action Required under penalty of law ( if thre is which im sure you can be awarded alimony after you file all of this with a sep agreement)

 

YOUR NAME

YOUR ADRESS

NO OTHER ADRESS AVAILIBLE

Phone number: ( 30) 362-6261

E-mail: YOUR EMAIL

Fax number: ( 2) 345-5668

 

Recipient's Information

type of person: individual

number of receipients: 1 copy provided to judge ( make three copies)

 

HIS INFO ( name)

HIS ADDRESS

OTHER ADDRESS (ADD HERS)

his gender

 

Demand Information

Description of action to be performed:

 

Documentation

 

you will have a seperation agreement done at this point i hope.

 

sign the letter.

 

May 23rd, 2013

[Simpleoldschool]

SEPARATION AGREEMENT

THIS SEPARATION AGREEMENT dated this 23rd of May, 2013

 

BETWEEN:

__________ __________ __________

of __________,

__________ County

in the State of

("Husband")

-and-

__________ __________ __________

of __________,

__________ County

in the State of

("Wife")

• 
  BACKGROUND:
  
• The Husband and Wife were lawfully married on May 23rd, 2013, in __________, County of __________, . Due to certain differences that have developed between the Husband and the Wife, they agree to live separate and apart from each other, subject to the terms and conditions in this Agreement.
  
• The Husband and Wife have made complete, fair and accurate disclosure to each other on all financial matters reflected in this Agreement.
  
• The terms of this Agreement are intended to settle the matters addressed, but it will not be incorporated into a final decree of divorce. The Husband and Wife agree that a subsequent Separation Agreement will have to be made and duly incorporated into a final decree of divorce.
  
• The Husband and Wife have each consulted an attorney with regards to his or her legal rights arising out of the marital relationship and the terms of this agreement.
  
• The Husband and Wife have each voluntarily entered into this Agreement and have not been forced by anyone to sign this Agreement, and both the Husband and the Wife confirm that they are in sound mental health.
  
  
  IN CONSIDERATION OF the mutual promises and covenants contained in this Agreement, and other valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which consideration is hereby acknowledged, the parties agree as follows:

  
  

• LIVING SEPARATE AND APART
  
• The Husband and Wife will, from the date of execution of this Agreement, live separate and apart from each other. Neither party will attend the other's living space or work without invitation or approval.
  
• CHILDREN
  
• There are no children of the marriage. Furthermore, the Wife is not now pregnant and the parties have not adopted any children.
  
• SPOUSAL MAINTENANCE
  
• Neither party claims entitlement to spousal maintenance at this time. Both parties waive any claim to spousal maintenance during the separation, regardless of the length of the period of separation.
  
• ASSETS
  
• The parties acknowledge that they have agreed upon a division of all assets, owned or possessed by them as marital property or separate property. The parties are in possession of all of those assets to which he or she is respectively entitled. Accordingly, neither makes any claim to any assets in the possession of the other.
  
• DEBTS
  
• The parties agree that any indebtedness secured against, or attributable to, any item of property that either party is receiving under this Agreement will be the sole responsibility of the party receiving the particular property.
  
• Neither party will incur any further debt or liability on the other party's credit. Any debt
  accumulated as of the date of this Agreement is the debt of the individual party,
  regardless if the debt was incurred as a result of joint credit.
  
• GENERAL PROVISIONS
  
• The Husband and Wife will promptly sign and give to the other all documents necessary to give effect to the terms of this Agreement.
  
• This Agreement contains the entire agreement between the Husband and Wife about their relationship with each other. It replaces any earlier written or oral agreement between the parties.
  
• Should any portion of this Agreement be held by a court of law to be invalid, unenforceable, or void, such holding will not have the effect of invalidating or voiding the remainder of this Agreement, and the parties agree that the portion so held to be invalid, unenforceable, or void, will be deemed amended, reduced in scope, or otherwise stricken only to the extent required for purposes of validity and enforcement in the jurisdiction of such holding.
  
• The Husband and Wife may only amend this Agreement in writing after both parties have obtained legal advice on the changes.
  
• In the event that a dispute arises regarding this Agreement, the parties will try to resolve the matter through negotiation or mediation, prior to initiating a court action.
  
• Notwithstanding that the parties acknowledge and agree that their circumstances at the execution of this Agreement may change for any reason, including but without limiting the generality of the foregoing, the passage of years, it is nonetheless their intention to be bound strictly by the terms of this Agreement at all times.
  
• This Agreement creates a fiduciary relationship between the parties in which each party agrees to act with the utmost of good faith and fair dealing toward the other in all aspects of this Agreement.
  
• The parties agree to provide and execute such further documentation as may be reasonably required to give full force and effect to each terms of this Agreement.
  
• The headings of this Agreement form no part of it, and will be deemed to have been inserted for convenience only.
  
• This Agreement will be binding upon and will enure to the benefit of the parties, their respective heirs, executors, administrators, and assigns.
  
• If the Husband and Wife reconcile, the terms of this Agreement will remain in effect unless the parties revoke it in writing.
  
• This Agreement may only be terminated or amended by the parties in writing signed by both of them.
  
• The law of the State of Florida will govern the interpretation of this agreement, and the status, ownership, and division of property between the parties wherever either or both of them may from time to time reside.
  

WITNESS OUR HANDS, ON THE DATES INDICATED.

_____________________________

__________ __________ __________

Date: ________________________

_____________________________

__________ __________ __________

Date: ________________________

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

I, a Notary Public, within and for the County and State aforesaid, do certify that on this day came before me, _________________________ and _________________________, personally known to me, whose names are signed to the foregoing agreement and so acknowledged their signatures on said agreement and that said _________________________ and _________________________ entered into said agreement on their own free wills and volition without force or duress by any party.

Given my hand and seal this ___ day of ____________________, ________.

 

 

_____________________________

Notary Public

 

 

My Commission Expires:

 

 

___________________________

(S E A L)

[Simpleoldschool]

make adjustments to the seperation agreement as you see fit and acording to what you beilieve it should contain. bring it into a lawyer and see if he gives it the ok according to what you want.

 

usually, you can get a free consultation .

 

however understand there are two types of seperation agreements.

 

1 trial. meaning temporary

 

and

 

2. being permanent even after divorce. however the temporary will be changed if you get a divorce.

[Simpleoldschool]

keep copies of everything you send him and all responses he makes and all copies of any type of digital signitures and verification.

 

this is called keeping a paper trail and will help you.

 

first the letter of complaint, demand, and then any and all replies hes made and then go to the court house file an injunction and wait for your day in court. if hes dumb you'll have him cornered. also know this if the lawyer talks to you if he has one to settle outside of court or whatever say no and then walk away. you dont know what the lawyer has up his sleeves to turn it around and place it ontop of your head.

[Simpleoldschool]

also in these letters do not sound spitefull, hatefull, arrogant rude or mean. do not sound like you wish to use them and use them to make the situation inflamatory.

 

sound respectfull polite, to the point and formal.

 

if you do the opposite of that the judge will hit you a couple times on the head with his gavel lol.

 

just be coooollllll.

[Simpleoldschool]

thinking about it more clearly after you win the injunction i think it would be best actually nescesarry to keep the court order tightly secured.

 

then get a temporary seperation order which he will have to sign now because you have a court order locking him in to certain responsibilities and because of such you will have more proof.

 

also because you now have a temp sep order signed, you can always adjust it later if he pulls more crap and have the court order from the injunction backing changes and demands.

 

this sounds like a pretty good idea to me. hope it serves its purpouse.

 

go kick tush.