Did it get caught in time, or too much damage done?

[Tellen]

Hi guys, this is part advice asking & part just venting.

 

I've been with the same girl for the last several years and currently live together. A few months ago I got her a ring and I've been sitting on giving it to her because I didn't feel it was the perfect time to propose. She had been really stressed over work and depressed so I decided I'd wait to ask her and plan to do it on an up-swing. Planning a wedding and a future when you are wondering if you will be employed wasn't something I wanted to drop on her.

 

So I waited, pushed her to find a new job, kept checking her mood with questions, and had a few private conversations with friends and family over things I didn't want her to find out about (like the engagement). She took all of these clues and convinced herself that I was going to dump her and was just waiting for her to have a more stable job so I could kick her out. She took my concern about dealing with stress as an ultimatum that I needed her mood to change.

 

I started to notice that she had begun chatting with a mutual friend who lives across the country on Facebook more and more over the last few weeks. She had confided in him her fears I was going to ditch her as soon as she finds a new job and they started up an internet romance. I got suspicious and read a chat window while she was out of the room and found out about all of it.

 

I confronted her and she said it started up a few days before I found out and that now I had the excuse I needed to dump her without feeling guilty. I instead laid out the proposal plans and she was floored. She wants me back 100% but refuses to break off talking with him (he's also apologized to us for pouncing on her). She does not want to lose the close friendship she just obtained and that is making me nervous.

 

So, I checked her chat window again yesterday (all harmless) but she caught me and said she doesn't want to feel like a prisoner. She also said they were never really serious and said I need to get over it and move on if I wanted "us to work". Part of me is saying I caught the cheating in time (meaning it was short, they never made any real-life plans) and this was a fantasy two people made up because they each were in a relationship they felt was doomed. Part of me even blames myself for not being what she needed so she ended up looking elsewhere.

 

I want it to work out, but I'm still haunted by the little things they said to each other. We even tried sex, but I couldn't get everything out of my head enough to finish. I love her dearly and I want it to work... it's just rough. Can it work out or does this sort of thing eventually kill the relationship?

[TaraMaiden]

Trust is shot to pieces.

 

The bottom line is that she has to prove herself absolutely 100% in this relationship.

And that means dumping "good friend" and going no Contact, to give you and she a chance to re-build.

 

You may need counselling, because Trust is one of the three lynch-pins which support the relationship, like a tripod.

 

The other two 'legs' are Effective Communication, and Respect.

 

Somewhere, all three are to be found wanting.

Unless you can get these back and upright - this isn't going to work.

you have to get beyond this, and both put in the effort.

 

The responsibility for the health of the relationship is equal.

Down the middle.

50-50.

 

The fault, is hers.

The repair - is up to you both.

[Tellen]

Thank you both for feedback.

 

I think she is justifying her behavior. Nobody wants to think of themselves as "the bad guy" and clearly she did some mental gymnastics to do what she did. She told me that she was trying to get them back to a "friend-zone" and was going to stop it eventually. She also told me that she was planning on telling me about it... but had I proposed to her before then she would have taken it to her grave.

 

Right now we are working on honesty and openness, which has in a way made us closer. Maybe it is the "almost lost you" endorphins that is keeping us together at this point? Each day we make some new promises, but clearly there is still some resentment around on my part. She is genuinely upset I checked her account again, but she does understand why I did it. She also said she would cut him off as a friend if I demanded it, but because I know the friendship means something to her I don't want to take it away from her.

 

I believe she's sorry. I think one reason she is keeping him as a friend is because she wants to prove to herself that she can repair things.

[TaraMaiden]

Trust.

That's some big schytt....

 

Trust is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette;

Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece...

 

Trust is exactly like that.

Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.

[TaraMaiden]

I believe she's sorry. I think one reason she is keeping him as a friend is because she wants to prove to herself that she can repair things.

 

Hmmmmm.... Right.......

 

 

And remember, if this DOESN'T work out for you both - at least she has the back-up plan.

 

No.

She has to drop this contact completely.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you both for feedback.

 

I think she is justifying her behavior. Nobody wants to think of themselves as "the bad guy" and clearly she did some mental gymnastics to do what she did. She told me that she was trying to get them back to a "friend-zone" and was going to stop it eventually. She also told me that she was planning on telling me about it... but had I proposed to her before then she would have taken it to her grave.

 

Right now we are working on honesty and openness, which has in a way made us closer. Maybe it is the "almost lost you" endorphins that is keeping us together at this point? Each day we make some new promises, but clearly there is still some resentment around on my part. She is genuinely upset I checked her account again, but she does understand why I did it. She also said she would cut him off as a friend if I demanded it, but because I know the friendship means something to her I don't want to take it away from her.

 

I believe she's sorry. I think one reason she is keeping him as a friend is because she wants to prove to herself that she can repair things.

 

 

she has to leave that internet friend in the past to work on your future together...he is the "fall out guy" and while he is around she is not concentrating on yours and her relationship....he pounced and will do again as soon as there are any problems.....whether or not it was fantasy....there is an emotional connection that needs to be severed....and your emotional connection to her strengthened...or you guys just wont make it....simple as that....it wotn work unless she is 100 per cent committed to you.....she isnt....tough love...but needed...... you need to make it clear.......if she is committed to you ....she will leave that friendship behind...there is no getting back to friend zone..........deb

[road]

I caught the cheating

 

Dating is the job interview for marriage. She failed the interview. Dump her.

 

There is no justification for what she did yet she still tries to justify her cheating. She is having an EA. Emotional Affair.

 

This will lead to a PA, physical affair in time. Bad sign is that she will not give up her OM. As you can she she is continuing the affair.

 

Pack up and move out now.

[Try]

She is genuinely upset I checked her account again, but she does understand why I did it.

Of course she understands why you checked. You had every right to check. She cheated on you and has no right to be upset that you are checking. 100% of all cheaters try to make you checking up on them the issue to blame shift you from focusing on the cheating where it belongs. Stop buying into this right now. Tell her that not only are you not sorry that you looked, but go forward you will demand complete transparency including all passwords. Tell her that you will agree to the same, because those that have nothing to hide are not afraid of transparency with their mate. If she cannot agree to this, you should not marry her.

 

She also said she would cut him off as a friend if I demanded it, but because I know the friendship means something to her I don't want to take it away from her.

 

I believe she's sorry. I think one reason she is keeping him as a friend is because she wants to prove to herself that she can repair things.

Once you they both crossed the line into an emotinal affair (EA) they can never go back to being just friends. It will always be hanging around to bite you later when the two of you have normal relationship issues. This friend has proven that he is willing to sneak around behind your back and be your enemy. He is not a friend of your relationship. He is now an ex-boyfriend and should be treated as such. As for her "keeping him as a friend is because she wants to prove to herself that she can repair things", I call bull. This is standard cheaters logic, right out of the EA handbook. Cheaters in EA almost always say this to try to keep their EA partner. Tell her to go full no contact right now and forever with this guy, as he has already proven that he is willing to cheat with her behind your back. Do not worry about her needing him as a friend because she already proved that she cannot be trusted with him. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Read the book "Not Just Friends" and you will see that her dumping her EA partner is a must.

Edited May 23, 2013 by Try

[Chi townD]

Dude, don't listen to the "friend zone" bullsh*t she's trying to feed you. The fact is she got concerned and she started an online affair with the possibility of taking everything further. She developed the "I'm gonna screw you over before you get the chance to screw me over" mindset. IS this the type of person you want to marry? Someone that she feels that she can't talk to or communicate her concerns with you? Her answer was to start an online affair as the answer? That's not a good way to start out a marriage.

 

Now, she won't give the guy up and tells you to get over it. That's bullsh*t! She carried on very intimate conversations with another guy. The kind of talk that should be exclusive to boyfriend and girlfriend or man and wife. And now she wants to continue her relationship with this guy REGARDLESS of your feelings on the matter. That tells me that she values her relationship with this other guy more than your feelings.

 

You need to tell her that it's either him or you. She needs to chose. If she chooses you, then I highly recommend that you two seek couples counseling and don't even think about entering in a marriage until these issuses are resolved.

[therhythm]

Man... she is playing you in the most dirty way you can be played...

She cheated on you with this internet guy, you catch her and now she tells you if you love her you need to accept her keeping him as a friend and she dares to be angry at you because you feel the need to check if indeed they are behaving in a loyal way towards you.

Re read my post and she how nuts it is!

You dodged a bullet by not being married to her already, just dump that rat ass women you have for girlfriend and look for someone who has some respect for you.

[Tellen]

Thanks you guys. I confronted him and explained he needed to back off. He broke down and cried and gave me a story about the mess his current relationship was in and he is going to step away and work on his own life. He say he instigated it, and he said he was sorry. I told him that it wont get past us three.

 

She agreed to leave all her messages open and undeleted, and will take a step back from him. She offered to unfriend him, but I didn't want anything to appear odd to our common circle of friends.

 

The only thing she asked was for me to not check on her behind her back, if I wanted to read her phone, messages, or emails, that she be there for it. Everything on the table.

 

That is about all I can do. She feels awful, and she wants to make it work. I let her know that this is both her second, and her last chance. Even though she cheated, our relationship had other issues that we never really tackled because they were difficult. We talked and decided we might as well address them now.

 

If it all works, we may come out of this stronger. And, it it doesn't, we gave it an honest try.

[TaraMaiden]

Get professional counselling:

In order to cultivate and nurture a healthy relationship, it pays to establish beforehand, the three lynch pins are strong and built to last.

 

Research the best methods of effective Communication.

Above all (and this is very important) Respect one another.

Put each other first, and show consideration.

 

But effective communication, you may need assistance and instruction.

Stupid as it sounds, you guys do talk... 'Effective Communication' takes 'talking' to a better level. It sounds silly to say you may have to learn how to talk - but please trust me, I know.... it's a learnt skill.

[Darren Steez]

Thank you both for feedback.

 

I think she is justifying her behavior. Nobody wants to think of themselves as "the bad guy" and clearly she did some mental gymnastics to do what she did. She told me that she was trying to get them back to a "friend-zone" and was going to stop it eventually. She also told me that she was planning on telling me about it... but had I proposed to her before then she would have taken it to her grave.

 

Right now we are working on honesty and openness, which has in a way made us closer. Maybe it is the "almost lost you" endorphins that is keeping us together at this point? Each day we make some new promises, but clearly there is still some resentment around on my part. She is genuinely upset I checked her account again, but she does understand why I did it. She also said she would cut him off as a friend if I demanded it, but because I know the friendship means something to her I don't want to take it away from her.

 

I believe she's sorry. I think one reason she is keeping him as a friend is because she wants to prove to herself that she can repair things.

 

No no no no, the way she can repair things is not to talk to someone she had an emotional affair with.

What you are doing is justifying her reason not to give him up even though it irks you.

They had an internet romance, they keep in contact it will soon eventually become a real world romance.

[2sunny]

IF she was willing to work on repairing the damage she caused - she'd be willing to offer that you see that she's stopped all communication.

 

But she hasn't. She's STILL sneaky, justifying and that makes her still the liar.

 

She likes the attention and connection. Not with you - with him!

 

I'd cut her loose - let her have the priority she says she needs.

 

 

She's not earned your trust - the relationship has no foundation without that.

[MrRightNow]

Her refusal to stop talking to this guy shows how little respect she has for you and the relationship. She cannot be trusted. I'd dump her like yesterday's newspaper if I were you.