Is he being a good friend or something more?

[ccounin]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and haven't had any problems until recently. His ex-girlfriend came back into his life. I don't care about his other ex's, but this one is different. We were friends before we dated, so I saw that relationship and how he was when it ended, which I hate. He was sure that they were soulmates and that he wouldn't be happier with anyone else. They seriously planned on getting married. The only reason he is with me is because he couldn't handle being with her. They were together for a couple years. She had really bad anxiety and after a while decided that he "wasn't strong enough to deal with it, even though he really wanted to" (his words). She is the only girl that he's ever cried over. He said things to her that he's never said to me. She matched up better with him (she was very cuddly/touchy, like him, I'm not and he wishes I were). If he wrote down everything that he needed and looked for in someone, she would be a perfect match.

 

When they broke up they didn't really talk much. She moved away, but now she's back and they have mutual friends. She hasn't had a relationship since they broke up because apparently she can't find someone who wants to be with her. (Considering her personal life, I'm not that surprised). Now my husband feels bad and sometimes will talk to me about it. He thinks he messed her up more and that it's his fault that she is unhappy and lonely.

 

We all went out the other night to eat and later decided to go to a bar/lounge. But it was Couple's Night, which we didn't know before hand, and you could only get in if you were with someone. She was the only person that was alone and when we got there she couldn't get in. She said she'd just go home, teared up and walked away. Then my husband had a lousy night and didn't even sleep.

 

He said that she is the type of person that really likes/needs to be with someone (so is he). She is a very touchy and cuddly person, so not having that is hard. He said "all she wants is someone to want her and be with her." He said that he wants to see her be happy like he is.

 

He set her up with a friend of his who is also single. That friend went on a few dates with her, then decided he wasn't interested because of her personal issues. Then my husband felt like crap and then spent 6 hours with her at her place "consoling her". Now he checks up on her daily.

 

Is he just being a friend or is this turning into something more?

[TaraMaiden]

I can see boundaries definitely getting blurred here.

 

The fact that she has issues is not his problem, and it's not his problem to fix.

His care, concern and obvious feeling for her, is encroaching on your emotional boundaries.

You must say something, and you must state it calmly, logically and rationally.

 

Tell him how it makes YOU feel.

Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.

Tell him you have been thinking about this for a little while, to get a grip on how you felt, because you didn't want to sound unreasonable or possessive.

 

But you - not she - are his wife.

He chose you.

And you want to know that you are his complete and unconditional priority.

 

Don't get emotional, raise your voice, or pour recriminations on her head.

But you have to nip this in the bud, or else his first question will be "if you've always felt like this, why didn't you say so earlier?"

[ccounin]

He knows how I feel. He says she's just a friend and he'd want to do it for any friend. But I don't think that's true. He would be there for another friend, but not this much and he wouldn't be so upset about it.

 

When we are all out he won't kiss me and doesn't usually hold my hand because he says it makes her upset. He won't act like a couple at all, if she's around.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, you're going to have to give him an ultimatum:

 

Either come to counselling with you to discuss this because it's a really serious issue for you - or you're leaving.

 

I hate to say it, but those ARE your choices right now.

Apart from the choice of putting up with it, that is.

 

However, remember this:

An ultimatum is not the final word before resorting to concession.

An ultimatum carries a threat.

 

How prepared are you, practically AND emotionally, to consider this ultimatum?

Or what alternative can you think of that might work better?

[Try]

He knows how I feel. He says she's just a friend and he'd want to do it for any friend. But I don't think that's true. He would be there for another friend, but not this much and he wouldn't be so upset about it.

They were lovers. They can never be just friends. They will always be more. That is why the vast majority of married couples do not allow their partners to be friends with ex-lover. He is in an emotinal affair (EA) with her right now and you know it. You are within your rights as a normal and reasonable spouse to demand that he cut all contact with his ex-lover and current EA partner. Your position is getting weaker with your husband and her positions is getting stronger with every day that passes, so do not delay. You need to be willing to end the marriage to have a chance at saving it long term. Tell him that if he does not cut off all contact with her that you will file for divorce and mean it. If he calls you on this and is willing to let you divorce him, then divorce was coming anyways, just sooner rather than later. Again, time is not on your side. You odds only get worse with every day.

 

When we are all out he won't kiss me and doesn't usually hold my hand because he says it makes her upset. He won't act like a couple at all, if she's around.

This proves that she is not just a friend. You need not doubt this at all.

[chelsea2011]

Your husband is treating you like crap! You shouldn't have to be worrying about him feeling the need to console someone else outside of your marriage...in this way! He has a lack of emotional boundaries. He is totally disrespecting you and I would tell him to knock it off or he is going to be consoling himself in divorce court! Stand up for yourself sweetie! You don't have to tolerate this from your husband. He's acting like he is high school. He is also having an emotional affair with this woman. Tell him to grow up or get out.

[salparadise]

It's hard to know precisely what his feelings are. You only know what he says and he's not about to admit to you, maybe not to himself, anything other than innocence. Their connection was romantic/sexual and it's not possible for that history to have been erased. At the very least, he enjoys her being dependent on him. White knight syndrome, maybe more.

 

Regardless, the lack of appropriate boundaries is harming your marriage and it needs to stop. They're both getting their needs met in this renewed relationship and it's directly at the expense of your marriage. You need to put an end to it immediately. How to do that is the million dollar question.

 

I'd start by telling him you need to have a serious discussion, sit him down and be firm and matter of fact. Don't try and convince him that it's wrong, don't negotiate a compromise. Say this is what it is, and I won't allow it.

 

Hopefully that will get traction, but if not then you're going to have to play hardball. The problem with threats and ultimatums is that you paint yourself into a corner. If you issue one and don't get the result you want, then you have no choice but to make good on the threat, or watch all of your power instantly vaporize. So I would actually recommend not making the threat, which still gives you the option of taking whatever action, but without the obligation to do so.

 

Leaving is a bad idea, imho. It may bring them together instantly, sexually, and it's could be grounds for him to divorce you. You want to deescalate the situation not turn it into all out nuclear war. You can turn up the heat without leaving. Counseling is necessary too, I believe.

[Treasa]

 

He set her up with a friend of his who is also single. That friend went on a few dates with her, then decided he wasn't interested because of her personal issues. Then my husband felt like crap and then spent 6 hours with her at her place "consoling her". Now he checks up on her daily.

 

Um, I was straddling on the fence until this paragraph. I would be out of there and finding someone who was a lot like me. Actually, I would have done that before marrying someone. If the two of you aren't much alike and want/need different things...

[Treasa]

When we are all out he won't kiss me and doesn't usually hold my hand because he says it makes her upset. He won't act like a couple at all, if she's around.

 

I honestly don't know why you married him.

[venusianx13]

I hate to say this, but I must be honest; alarms went off as soon as I read the part where he spent 6 hours with her, alone. Unless there is a well established platonic friendship (which, in all honesty, is somewhat rare at any rate), this is an absolute breach of boundaries. Absolute. I would never stand for this, ever. The rest is the icing on the cake... he won't be affectionate with his WIFE in front of her, because it will upset her? I really don't enjoy saying this, but this is NOT a platonic friendship. I truly hope you can come to see it for what it is and produce an ultimatum.

[Chi townD]

Ummmm....you know what? I'm still on the fence as to what he's doing. yeah, I think that spending a significant time with her alone is wrong and shouldn't have happened, but I also think that he feels guilty about their break up so long ago. He probably thinks that even though they're broken up, she's still a good person and doesn't want to see anyone in pain.

 

I don't believe anything is going on, physically. He's been trying to hook her up with his single friends. So, if something was going on physically, then why would he want to hook up his friends with his "side action"? Plus, there's a reason why our Ex's are our Ex's. He knows that she has a lot of baggage and that's probably baggage that he doesn't want to revisit especially if he's got a good thing at home. But, this is where I have to tell you a little secret and here it is. Guy's are stupid. He probably knows that he has a good thing at home and he feels that, on that front, things are good. So, he's spending time trying to fix a different problem; thus, neglecting what he has at home. Because, guys are stupid, and he thinks everything is fine. However, this is bothering you...so, things are not fine. Hopefully, some of that made sense to you.

 

So, you need to talk to him. Let him know your concerns. That this is bothering you and that you need him to fix the problems that are occurring between the two of you. Tell him that you are unhappy with the amount of time that he spends with her and she a big girl and needs to start taking care of herself.

 

Sorry, for some reason, my spidey senses aren't kicking off like they should for this one. I just get the feeling that you have a good guy that's acting stupid at the moment.

[Treasa]

He knows how I feel. He says she's just a friend and he'd want to do it for any friend. But I don't think that's true. He would be there for another friend, but not this much and he wouldn't be so upset about it.

 

When we are all out he won't kiss me and doesn't usually hold my hand because he says it makes her upset. He won't act like a couple at all, if she's around.

 

Yeah, none of this would be even remotely ok with me.

[MidwestUSA]

"The only reason he is with me is because he couldn't handle being with her". The ONLY reason?! Wow. No other reason he is with you? And now he's back with her, 6 hours at a time, which will repeat, repeat, repeat. Start the divorce paperwork now. Why would you ever agree to being seconds?

[AMusing]

The only reason he is with me is because he couldn't handle being with her (...) She matched up better with him (she was very cuddly/touchy, like him, I'm not and he wishes I were). If he wrote down everything that he needed and looked for in someone, she would be a perfect match.

 

I'm assuming this is your insecurity talking, not something he's actually admitted.... Right?!? Because if my assumption is wrong, there are far bigger issues here than what I'm addressing.

 

Sal's advice was very good; reread his post. Your husband is crossing very major boundaries. You say he knows how you feel, but is he aware how serious this is for you? As your husband, he cannot keep pushing your feelings aside for the sake of this ex. It's simply not acceptable. If a serious talk doesn't help get his head straight, therapy might be in order.

[BetrayedH]

Get the book, Not Just Friends. Have him read it.

 

I'm also with Tara on the ultimatum piece. She is not a friend of your marriage and thus, shouldn't be a friend of his at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Wow. He still has a thing for her, no question. He's putting her needs and wishes ahead of yours. (ex. not holding your hand when she's around - BOO HOO) He spends hours "consoling" her...and where were you? Does he care how that made his wife feel? Obviously not. He can't sleep because she got teary one night? W.T.F.

 

Why does his ex call the shots in your marriage like that?

[Tinie]

Wow sounds like you were the rebound girl he married because he was trying to divert his attention from his apparent "soul mate" who he shouldn't have dumped then if he's so "desperately in love" with her.

 

You deserve better. Ditch the loser.